The Skinny Tie Report

Coachella the 7th

2011-02-21T19:21:00.002-05:00

So year seven for me? Seven times in a row, you say? I have my ticket and all the other reservations have been made so I suppose this is going to really happen!

Like a Phoenix Rising

2010-03-28T14:50:00.002-04:00

The transformation of the house continues (by the way....we have a new house!) with the yard.

Soon this barren wasteland will be populated with plants circa 1952 and make the vintage green pop with color by contrast. Currently however, it reminds me of Dune, or at the very least that scene from Beetlejuice; you know, the one with the sand worms.

Coachella 2010 - Revenge of the Sixth

2010-03-23T17:55:00.002-04:00

Some people return to the scene of the crime, while others eventually return to the place of their birth. For me, Coachella might just prove how those in their golden years pick their final destinations.

This is my sixth year of sun, music and great laughs with friends. I completely understand the flaw in picking the Mojave as one of my favorite places on earth; the heat is killer and all the streets are named after dead presidents. Still, it is the time I share with those closest to me that make this a truly magical experience. While it may give insight as a place to live out my final years, it also proves that here (even after six consecutive times), you truly can go home.

More to come after I return from the festival!

Open Letter To The Gloved One

2009-06-28T19:18:00.020-04:00

Dear Michael,
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I don't like writing letters of this nature to people who share my same name...especially you, especially under these circumstances. After all, it was because of you that I was teased in Middle School. It is hard to get caught up in the fashion movements of the time (fashions that you started might I add) when your body frame is nothing more than a coat hanger adorned with braces. I was awkward enough to begin with, and because I was "not like other boys" at the time, the parallels between us were obvious. Sure, everyone on the school yard would give the moonwalk a try, but when it came my turn, all the kids would start singing the lyrics to Timex Social Club's Rumors...you know, the one about "Michael" that insinuated that you might be gay? Since I too wasn't the jockiest of kids and more than a little strange, I too was subject to the aforementioned rumor. At least they tried to argue, but I swear I couldn't move that way.
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Still, to a boy in the 1980's, you were on the Mount Rushmore of pop culture. I remember how crisp and clear the sound came out of my Sony headphones as I listened to Thriller in my darkened bedroom. My parents never let me watch the video to Thriller back then, mainly due to the fact that my parents were school teachers and had screened it at the High School Prom, but with your lyrics and the visuals that my mind created, it was nothing short of horrific. Actually, watching Thriller back then was a difficult task as we didn't have MTV, and VHS was a sluggish monolith. I finally got to see what caused my mom to run circles around the High School gymnasium when I was in the 6th grade. By this time I had already developed an unnatural fear of zombies which, as you can imagine, was only compounded by the slick choreography of your video. Slow, lumbering zombies are one terrible thing...breakdancing, shoulder-shrugging zombies are quite another level of torture.
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By the time the rest of the country was donning multi-layered polos and collecting Swatch watches, I had just purchased my knock-off red zipper jacket with the angular sleeves. To this I added a very cheap pair of parachute pants that were most likely bought at JcPenney, who I have discovered know nothing about "trends." I was all set to go forth on my quest to get my ass kicked. This was all still during your Thriller and Victory Tour phase. I am inclined to point out that your life is relegated to "phases" in my psyche. There was your canary yellow polo phase in which you wore white slacks and held a kitten, then came your Thriller phase (mesh shirt, zipper jacket, penny loafers and glove), and then your Bad phase in which much of the same was true from your previous phases but....well, I just couldn't get past the hair.
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This brings me to chapter two of our relationship: Ignoring the white elephant in the room. Undeniably you ruled the radio and MTV well beyond what most people called your glory days. Before I became what my friends call a "music snob," I would still get crazy over your next release whether it was the mind-bending Black and White or Smooth Criminal. This was an amazing feat without the advantage of the internet. How was I supposed to peep your newest album without listening to it all the way through first? What was your next single going to be? For all of these things, I had to rely on my trustworthy local radio station. I think it was because of this that we didn't have as close of a relationship as might have been warrented. I certainly know that you wanted to be as good of friends with me as I was willing to allow you to be with me. Unfortunately, this was not to be as I discovered college, free-thinking, and grunge.
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One could question the many idiosyncrasies that you developed seemingly overnight as a reason that we parted ways. Honestly though, you have always been and will continue to be our American Royalty. As such, you are required by etherial law to bay at the moon and have at least one skeleton in the closet. To the latter, I am so sorry the Elephant Man thing didn't work out. I will say that watching someone gradually transition to a transluscent version of your very own sister LaToya was something that defied logic, even for you. I was well out of college when I stumbled on a tabloid rag (rememeber those?) that depicted a photo of you with a dirth of facial hair that looked like someone had been playing with a Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop. If there was one thing I learned from you back on that playground, it was that the clothes don't necessarily make the man, and that facial hair doesn't nescessarily do so either.
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I think the saddest thing though is that despite the changing trends in music or the waning adoration you may have felt from your public, that the music itself stopped. Watching someone that was once great become just another Howard Hughes is more tragic than the many allegations lodged against you over the years. I mean, it took something so malicious as a court case to bring you into the spotlight again. There are starving children in the Sudan but right here in America, there are children who don't know Billie Jean or Dirty Diana.
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Finally, I want to write and say that the news of your passing was more shocking than anything I could have anticipated. I don't know why though. This day would eventually have to come sometime and I suppose it is better that you left this world well before you were relegated to playing a stage in Branson, Missouri. Even those that had swiftly cleared you off of their iTunes library over the past decade (well, aside from P.Y.T. anyway) were abuzz with shock and awe. Was it painkillers? A bad heart? Cruel attempt to cash in on your insurance policy and pay off your mounting debt? Is this all a slick trick, better than the one you attempted to pull over on us at Super Bowl XXVII? I would love to think that something mortal did not befall you here on Earth, but that something poetic...like a broken heart was your undoing. Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, I just hope you are well. I hope that there are lighted sidewalks in Heaven. I pray that your wings fit well, your skin matches your robe and that you are finally at peace with yourself.
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How I Spent My Mother's Day - By Olive

2009-05-10T14:36:00.006-04:00

"Oh how sweet. Wait....now, boys you know I don't have my foundation on and my hair is a sight worse than Susan Boyle's. Put that camera away!"
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"Oh, how lovely. I can't believe how sweet you are being. Why is it that a girl has to wait a whole year before you decided to whip out the brush like this? A brush that I purchased, I might add!"
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"I just love spending time ignoring my boy in the P-A-R-K. But secretly I know where he is at all times. A mother just never rests."
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"This is the best Mother's Day treat ever!"
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"Mother Goose! Okay, well, it's really a swan, but it fits the Mother's Day theme nicely and who's gonna contradict a sassy Boston Terrier like myself?"
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"What a treat! I rarely get to have sparkling water out of a dish on a dirty, tourist-infested street. Thank you boys!"
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"Now this is more like it. Give me the remote so I can watch 'my stories' and leave me the hell alone!"

"Love ya!"

My Grandma Bea Arthur

2009-04-25T17:02:00.015-04:00

"...California, California your such a wonder that I think I'll stay in bed. Big time rollers, part time models so much to plunder that I think I'll sleep instead...I don't know this sea of neon thousand surfers, whiffs of freon and my new grandma Bea Arthur..." - Rufus Wainwright
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I have been struggling to find the words to describe how I am feeling. I absolutely HATE having to refer to Bea in the past tense now. I lived my life up to now surrounding myself with an image of a woman that I have never met (yet have stalked outside of her home....scary I know). ! Sitting now on my "Golden Girls" couch eating a cheesecake in her honor (even though she hated them) makes it feel like one spectacular last hurrah.
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I was just in Los Angeles no more than four days ago, now she is gone. This same phenomenon happened in 2006 when I also returned from Los Angeles and soon found out that Glenn Ford had passed (my other hero). Somehow I feel connected in a strange way to both. I also feel that Bea Arthur has been here ever since I have and I have taken her for granted. Actually, everyone who knows me, knows that this isn't the truth. I lived, ate, drank, quoted...and if society wasn't so ill, would allow me to dress like her. Cowl neck sweaters and scrunch boots would be back IN!!! Truly though, I guess what I mean is that you never realize what you have until it is gone. Today's news of her passing was far more shocking and it hit me harder than poor Estelle Getty less than a year ago. This time it wasn't just a TV icon from my all time favorite show, it was one of my personal idols.
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My obsession began at a very vulnerable time in my life in 2004. I was at home thinking that my world was crashing all around me but by chance it was salvaged by the sharp wit of Dorothy Zbornak. Johnny and I went to see her one woman show shortly thereafter (fittingly in Florida of all places!) and it seemed that our eyes locked. I saw the actual Golden Girls couch locked away in storage in Burbank and each year a "holiday" card would be lovingly signed and sent to Bea's address in Brentwood, California - an address that I might add, that I have on occassion walked past hoping for a the chance to hear a familiar baritone say "Get the FUCK off my lawn!"
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The opening strains of Golden Girls will now sound a bit more meloncholy and the greatest comfort I have is that mother and daughter are together again in TV Land competing as Sonny and Cher in a talent contest at Shady Pines. If there is one good thing that comes out of this, it will hopefully be the return of cowl neck sweaters and scrunch boots! !

!Here's a cheesecake just for you Bea!

Coachella 2009

2009-04-23T19:24:00.007-04:00

Coachella 2009 is officially over. What an amazing experience to be in such a beautiful place with your friends listening to great music. This was not my favorite year at Coachella from an artist standpoint, but I will say that seeing The Presets and Ghostland Observatory filled a long-gestating concert void in my life.
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What made this Coachella so special was the unexpected moments and the ability to just "not really care" much about the world around me. This was worth the price of plane, hotel and concert alone. Life has been trying lately and I think that no one is exempt from this feeling. For the Coachie crew this year, it was a great way to keep our date with the polo field and push away any of the worldly cares. Not once did I check work email or turn on the television to find out what dismal news was infiltrating the nation.
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Coachella this year was not as much about the music as it was pure escape. Our group was small this time and we truly missed their presence. To be able to recap all of the events that happened during our trip would keep me way past my bedtime and I certainly want to be timely with this update. The story can easily be told through my Flickr sets which can be accessed by clicking the title of this post above.
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Olive Had A Ball!

2009-02-14T18:12:00.003-05:00

The 15th annual Paws in the Park was a huge success. Johnny, Olive, Stephanie, Tilly and I enjoyed the spring-like weather this Valentines's Day and had a lot of fun letting the "girls" socialize. ! We are so proud of all of the pets who donated their time to the SPCA. Not to sound like too proud of a poppa, but Miss Olive was the top fundraiser for the DAK Pack this year! We would like to thank everyone for their contributions to her event. She lives for this each year, and we love to see her so happy!!! Hopefully the money raised will help those less fortunate in these uncertain times. !

I Coachose Wisely

2009-02-03T21:32:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I know it looks like a lot....but I honestly had a hard time picking out bands to see this April at Coachella. The best thing about Coachella is discovering new bands and making happy discoveries...and yes, there were a few that I was curious about but didn't lock in.
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The Coachooser is infamous for being highly un-helpful but I thought that I would give it a go anyway (this year they promise to download your Coachooser set into the set times when they are posted...we'll see). So if you happen to be going to the Mojave this year, you might just find me there!
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The Waiting is Over!

2009-01-30T08:14:00.002-05:00

It might be raining here, but there is a bright spot emanating from the desert. The 2009 Coachella lineup has finally arrived! More than it just being about the music, Coachella represents a spiritual and necessary journey for me.
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Heck, I am too happy right now to even start picking apart the lineup. So wherever you are, whoever you are, you can unclench and know that all is right with the world.
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Coachella Jitters

2009-01-28T00:11:00.002-05:00

Why, oh why does this blasted tension hold so much over me!

Golden Girls House

2009-01-10T15:38:00.004-05:00

If you are like me, the legend of Bigfoot, Area 51, and that mysterious Twinkie filling holds no weight against the mystery of the Golden Girls house.
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This is my very poor attempt to "fix" some of the implausible scenarios that the Golden Girls series left us with. How do the girls get to the garage through the kitchen when it is obvious that they are on opposite ends of the house? Is Rose's room in the fifth dimension? Just where was that gigantic blue bathroom anyway?
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I know that we will never have a true understanding of how the house was laid out, but if you can believe that Enrique Mas and Pepe the boxer were two different people (played by the same actor), then I suppose you could plausibly believe this as their sprawling ranch style at 6151 Richmond Street, Miami, Florida

Dear Santa: I am In Hell

2008-12-15T21:34:00.010-05:00

Dear Santa,
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I'm pissed off. Living in Florida is starting to make me feel all Grinch-like. True, the sunshine state lives up to it's moniker and provides us with a heaping helping of Vitamin D each and every blessed day, and also true that everything is pretty much raining palm trees and flamingo snatch. Now, I know that most people would give their last ounce of Metamucil to live in sunny Florida...but I am not most people.
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"Ooooooooooh, it's too cold. Brrrrrrr, I hate having to put on a shawl! Gah! My peanut brittle is...brittle!"
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Really? Let me tell you what I detest. I resent the fact that my Christmas will consist of 80 degree weather and pancake pits. A sunburn to guide your sleigh Santa? Yes, the weather forecast has us once again dreaming of a white Christmas. Unfortunately, the only white Christmas that we might achieve will resemble cocaine on some dead hookers rump. The analogy is of course that Florida is a den of sin...check into it!.
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One of my fondest childhood memories involves peering out of my parents Oldsmobile on the way to Grandma's house on Christmas eve and seeing quaint little farmhouses in the distance. Blankets of snow glistened under illuminating allure coming from the soft yellow light of their living rooms. I would press my face to the car window as we pass by; my cheek would almost vibrate against the cold glass in contrast to the warmth that the people, cozy inside of their homes, must have felt.
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There is a house across the street from me here in Orlando decorated to the hilt in honor of our dear Savior's birth (Jesus loves dancing lights!) but alas...as I once again press my face to the glass, dipping into that bit of nostalgia, I scorch my forehead as I am reminded that a Florida winter exists only in snow globes.
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A Little Soft Shoe In Our Stockings!

2008-12-12T23:00:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays! You're the Bee's Knees!
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From BetaMike, JBA and Olive Louise Jenkins Smith

You're A Genius Charlie Brown!

2008-12-08T20:23:00.014-05:00

Could there be any other Christmas special more endearing, timeless and heart-warming than "A Charlie Brown Christmas?" I can't bring myself to make one snarky or disparaging remark about this classic Christmas special. Not even about the choppy. broken. halting. dialogue that must have come from hours of coercing those child actors with Necco Wafers and the promise of polyester jumpers. Okay, so maybe one snarky comment.
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Just seeing the little forest of angular brightly colored trees and the watercolor soaked joy of those backgrounds makes me melt away as if I had been dipped in some magic inkwell. There is, however, one very special moment in this film (twice to be precise), that is my favorite of all.
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The Christmas play rehearsal. I think you know where I am going with this. Eight totally cool kids dancing without abandon to the funky beat of their own drummer. There's the girl who continually looks at her right hand, then her left hand, then her right hand (WTF!). The boy in green doing the "Sleep Walk," and of course the happy bobsie twins! My favorite though is the little guy in the orange shirt. Best. Dancer. Ever. Charlie. Brown.
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It's hard to imagine just what kind of environment those United Features Syndicate animators were working in back then, or what they were thinking exactly; but for 43 years, they have kept the Christmas spirit alive for millions of little kids across the globe...and for yours truly, a stocking stuffed with slick dance moves.
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Rankin Bass Bigotry

2008-12-03T22:22:00.008-05:00

So I guess I forgot that today was December the "somethingth" and almost freaked out when I saw that "A Christmas Story" was on television (not yet in its 24 hour marathon form) as well as that good ol' harbinger of the holidays "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer."
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I had a very hard time deciding which of these two classics would be elected to distract me from my Yuletide domestic errands around the house. The timeless-because-its-intentionally-dated "Christmas Story" or the dated-because-it's-dated "Rudolph?"
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I figured that I would have a better chance of actually getting a Red Ryder BB Gun than missing an opportunity to see Ralphie, the Bumpus dogs and Scott Farkis sometime in the near future, so I instead stayed transfixed on the felt wonderland that is Rudolph.
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I can still remember the night that this special would always come on. It would be the exact day that we were rummaging through our waxed boxes of ornaments. For me tonight, seeing Rudolph again was more about the phantom smells and sounds around my subconscious 7 year old self than it was the spectacle of seeing stop-motion animation. Immediately I could imagine mom making dinner in the kitchen and the aroma of Christmas candles giving up their sweet stale aroma after their year long nap in the attic.
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But this trip down memory lane was a regressive therapy session in yet another way. I soon remembered how much I secretly despised this show and how it somehow shaped the world view that I currently hold. Before we all get off on our soap boxes, I will state that I honestly do love this television special for the message of acceptance that it ultimately gives....at the end....after scaring the bejeezes out of me.
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I'm not sure where I first noticed it. It could have been when Hermey the Misfit elf was practically ostrasized for being "different" (cue Bronski Beat's "Smalltown Boy") or it could have been the way Rudolph was treated while playing reindeer games. From the get-go I always cringed at the way these creatures were treated. Partly because I guess I always knew that I was "different" too and that I would someday have to put up with stupid bullies the way that these two did.
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Was I going to find solace by knowing that there was a near-Siberian island full of people just like me? Hell no! Even I would have no business cavorting around with a train with square wheels dammit! No, I sort of understood all of the reindeers and elves giving Hermey and Rudolph the cold shoulder because, heck, that is just the environment in which they were raised.
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It was the scene in which Santa himself comes by and tells Donner (how gets selected as Rudolph's father, I'll never know) that he is ashamed of Rudolph's deformity and goes as far as giving Rudolph a tongue lashing himself. Is this the leadership that they need up at the North pole? Of course Santa eats a little crow at the end of the film but mostly because poor indentured Rudolph bails his ass out during the snow storm to help save Christmas. If it weren't for freaks like Rudolph, Hermey and Bumble, I am not sure that could sit here in my house and stay transfixed on the screen wondering how those felt eyelids actually would feel if I pressed my fingers against them.
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Obama Promised A Puppy!

2008-11-05T21:10:00.003-05:00

Please let it be a Boston!

Yes We Did!!!!

2008-11-04T23:40:00.002-05:00

Two Reasons To Smile This Year

2008-11-04T23:37:00.003-05:00

Keep Thee Quiet!!!

Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

2008-10-19T17:20:00.003-04:00

It's almost Halloween and I thought I would share the two most frightening things (besides Sarah Palin) that haunt me in my sleep. If this was played to the tune of Subway's $5 footlong sub song, my nightmare would be complete.

Winter of the Witch

2008-10-19T08:35:00.003-04:00

Last night was the great Coachie Pumpkin carving event at Kreepy Kelis' house. I carved mine to make a permanent carousel face of course.
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Later, we feasted on roasted pumpkin seeds that the gourds willfully gave up, Frankenberry treats, Milky Way cake, cupcakes and candy corn soda...all before settling in to watch the horribly fabulous Paul Lynde Halloween Special and something from Kelis' grade school years called "The Winter of the Witch." The latter is supplied here in its entirety for you to marvel at.

Betty White: McCain's Speech Writer

2008-10-10T19:54:00.002-04:00

Technology Is Cheap...And So Is Graffiti

2008-10-01T22:13:00.006-04:00

I mean no ill will to those who grew up plastering their notebooks with stickers and writing their name in "dot letters," but there's a time a place for such cutesy dribble...Flickr and the social media world is not one of them.
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Just when I feel like the love affair is back on for social networking and blogging sites (after a particularly ugly divorce from my ex-wife MySpace), along comes drivel like this popping up like a zit on my Flickr account .

While I respect your savvy use of copy and paste, please do not EVER comment on my photos with something as horrid as this. Las Vegas is 2,400 miles from here, keep the glitz on the strip please.
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(Okay, the little bee is pretty damn cute)
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The Blog That Ate Orlando <3

2008-09-27T10:23:00.022-04:00

blogorlando3
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Just when you thought Orlando couldn't get any more backwards, along comes the third blogorlando. Okay, before you spin this the wrong way, I mean it in a positive manner. I spent the entire day with eager, like-minded individuals exploring the vastly expanding universe of social networking, blogging and entrepreneurialism.
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As much as I like to think of myself "at ease" with the world of blogging, I quickly found that there is more to learn....much, much, more to learn. Below are a few of my observations. Set comments to "SNARKY"
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Photojournalism
This class was basically about Editorial vs. Commercial photography in blogging. Many questions were asked and it appears there is a particular interest in finding out if something can come back to bite you after you post a picture online. I am thinking that the majority of the people in here post Pr0n. Let's be honest, how do you shoot up-skirt and make it legit?
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Based on the many nervously asked questions, we should see structure and legitimacy around BloggingHotties.com before long.
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WOM and Social Media
This is one of those classes where much of the session sounded complex but then you later realized how profoundly amazing the rhetoric sounds. In defense of the facilitator Spike Jones (no, not that one), he is pretty dynamic! I learned that 92% of word of mouth (WOM) comes from around the water cooler and only 8% comes from social networking, as hard as we all try to reverse that.
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He also talked about how companies are trying to become more transparent. Think well-placed viral videos that make it appear that the brand has been hacked and set free "by the people." But really, it should be less about transparency and more about transference. The analogy here is: If your building has transparent windows, it will still kill a bird when it flies into it. Wouldn't you rather get rid of the walls all together and achieve true transference, or sharing of brand, culture and information from client, to company, to serve a higher purpose? I agree completely.
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Let me also just say something else. Almost EVERY tech geek (and there are m.a.n.y) have wedding bands on. The percentages are mind-boggling. I'm thinking there's either money in the bank or extra RAM under the hood. Just saying.
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Towers and Tarmacs
Benet Wilson was the best thing at the blogorlando unconference. Picture if Frangela had a third sister and you would essentially have Benet. Her story was inspiring. Somone like me who began personal blogging about 4 years ago and is now speaking at conferences about leveraging social networks....well, except that I am not speaking anywhere near a conference. Nor do I have as much sass and class. Amen.
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Benet is a hoot and a lot of fun to listen to. It gives me great hope to realize that someone can embrace technology and not talk down or above everyone. Not only that, but I noticed that she was Tweeting on Twitter and I'm betting those are some sassy Tweets!
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Interestingly, Benet's role in blogging for Aviation Daily pertains to one of the oldest media sources out there (1939 in fact) to embrace technology. I am now scanning the room for people from the "oldest profession" trying to hone their blogging skills.
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Internal Training
Honestly, the entire session could have been in Klingon. There was some joke about Kryptonian Law that exactly five people pissed their britches over and the rest was Wah Wah Wah Wah. I felt as though I was in a Peanuts cartoon.
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There are Tweets going off like crazy in the room. I think the lady next to me is Tweeting her grocery list to her husband while she is in here.
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Flickr!
Finally! A class that I can sit comfortably in and not have that waking late-for-class-in-my-undies dream. Actually, I could clep out of this bitch, but I would really like to sit and listen to what Josh Hallett has to say. Plus, I am having a real meta moment logging onto his Flickr page as he is broadcasting it on the screen. I feel leaving a little smiley note on one of his pics to see if it shows up on the projector.
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Overall, the blogorlando3 unconference (I think I am supposed to keep calling it an unconference) was a lot of fun, and I did learn quite a bit.
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If I had to sum up the afternoon in just a few words:
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There are some really hawt tech geeks, albeit married, roaming the blogosphere.
The ratio of PC to Mac for "those in the know" is surprisingly light on the Justin Long side.
College was never this cool.

Hammy Birthday JohnnyBerry™!!

2008-09-21T19:35:00.005-04:00

If 40 is the new 20, then Ham is the new mid-life crisis! This year marks the 40th anniversary of JohnnyBerry™ and for a true Southern gentlemen such as himself, nothing would have worked but an old fashioned church supper of ham, ham, and more ham!!!
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Behind his back, and with the support and help of his friends, we cooked up a Hamtastic idea to make this event a pot luck where everyone who was invited would make their very own ham creation.
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There was ham and cheese ala Kelis, Sashook's sassy bacon mushroom caps, Flipflop's D-town ham wheel, Crit's creamy ham pinwheels, and Gashapon's ultra tasty Bacon Maple cupcakes! Too good!
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To the piece-de-resistance was a cake from Sprinkles Custom Cakes made in the shape of an actual ham complete with cross-hatching, cloves, pineapple ring, and cherry on top!!!
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For more of the festivities, go over to my Flickr page!
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LL Cool J + Sears = 1 Day Til The Rapture!

2008-09-14T09:33:00.004-04:00

Ladies Love Cool J, but will the yout of Amurica? Cultural relevance puts this idea right up there with Jacqueline Smith.

Cold War Baby! Cold War!

2008-09-12T23:45:00.002-04:00

Picture It...

2008-07-22T22:38:00.003-04:00

...Orlando, sometime in the late 90's. A nugget of wisdom preferenced by any other intro would not be as wise. Arguably there is "Back in Saint Olaf..." but then again, we are talking wise here. For some reason I started watching Golden Girls like I was hooked on meth around 1998 and just couldn't....haven't....stopped since. Something about the parqueted floors and bleached wood of that ranch style house did it for me.
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Estelle Getty left us today, and with her passing, she left behind a legacy that was something truly special. I could recite any tribute page about her humanitarianism, depth of character and advocacy, but I selfishly will tell you instead how she will always be remembered by me.
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It may come to surprise you that I actually never liked Sophia...well, not the way I admired Dorothy's wit, or dim-witted Rose, and since every Golden Girls personality test I took came back Blanche-positive, I've always sympathized with "the slut." But it was only recently that I realized how important Estelle was beyond her small frame.
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Estelle was a master at the "no talk." The moments where the finesse of not saying a word, was more powerful than delivering a zinger. I loved how, given the chance, Sophia's character was always close to breaking the 4th wall of disbelief for viewers. Yes, she was snarky, snappy, and sometimes downright mean, but those aren't the things that endeared her to me. In fact, I always pictured myself living there, like Blanche's horrible nephew, and having Sophia be the one who ruined my one-on-one time with dry, witty Dorothy.
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Oh the fun Dorothy and I would have had going to the library, shopping for groceries at the A&P, checking out bald men as we peered out over the top of our copy of Crime and Punishment. But there would be Sophia, horning in on our quiet time. Soon I too would be the butt of many foul-mouthed tirade by dear old "maw."
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But sadly, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. For years, I felt sad for poor Estelle who had battled severe dementia which robbed her of her most precious personal memories, and even her time on this beloved show.
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Yes, If it weren't for the counter balance of her small frame to Bea Arthur's unbelievable height, it just wouldn't have worked. If she would have played victim instead of tormentor, it just wouldn't have worked. If she had stayed a walk on character (as originally intended) and not a permanent member of 6151 Richmond Street....it just wouldn't have worked.
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For all the reasons that I never liked Sophia Petrillo, I would give anything to have that counter balance available to us right now.
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Estelle Getty
July 25, 1923 - July 22, 2008
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They Might Be Etsy

2008-06-04T20:34:00.002-04:00

The reprehensibly hilarious John Flansburgh from They Might Be Giants has done all of your Father's Day shopping for you. And being the cool dad that he is...he does all of his shopping at Etsy! Surprised? Angered? You decide!
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They Might Be Etsy

Fond Memories of The Past

2008-05-31T09:34:00.014-04:00

I got to thinking of the past this week. And in thinking of the past, I am actually thinking of the future, or the current day, or the...ummmmmm, actual past.
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Each time I begin thinking on this topic, it usually centers around one central theme: Silver Dollar City. For those in the know, I have spent a formidable amount of my life visiting the Ozark hills, even working there for a time. That place is probably what most would call a "guilty pleasure" and if you know me, you probably would think it would be the farthest thing that I would identify with. I wouldn't even go as far as calling it a guilty pleasure because I talk about it all the time. A guilty pleasure is something that you are supposed to keep hidden deep down from everyone, right? Like the fact that I think the T.V. show "Reba" is one of the best shows ever written and I can't get enough of it.
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Well, Silver Dollar City and the Ozark Mountains that are nestled around it, have been calling me lately. For some strange reason I got an email over at my Flickr page from someone who had seen some of my SDC photos on a chat forum. Wha-whaaaaa?!
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Turns out that many of my photos had been featured there (to which I was pretty flattered) and a lot of great discussion was going on about old attractions, shows and a general meeting of minds that shared the same country bumpkin kitsch addiction that I "secretly" harbor. I got to thinking more and more about the days when I worked in the City and realized what a great honor that was. If nothing more to be one of the few that these fans considered "lucky" to have fulfilled part of their lifelong dream of being a citizen of Silver Dollar City.
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As I look to the future, I keep seeing that the path that led me here to my current job and location, could be the very same path that leads me back to a new, greater calling. In efforts to re-connect with my roots, I have started a photo sharing and discussion group over at Flickr that will hopefully allow me to connect with those who also are ready to come out of the country closet. I hope you come and check it out and even join up. If you don't, no worries....no biggie. That's the way we look at things back up in the hills. I just hope I left bread crumbs so that I can follow them back to Missouri.
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The Silver Dollar City Photo Group on Flickr
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Totem Figures

2008-05-25T20:09:00.011-04:00

This past week I was in and out of the Orlando Fringe Festival sadly seeing only four shows. Not that remarkable. What is remarkable is the fact that I saw one of these shows twice...twice!
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Seeing a Fringe show twice in one week is a bit akin to reading an instructional manual twice over... albeit an entertaining instructional manual. The show that I saw twice, "Totem Figures" by TJ Dawe, was very much like that instructional manual: You knew it was going to take 90 minutes to get through it and you certainly didn't have high expectations of enjoying it. But somehow, possibly as if by divine intervention, you learned something from it. And it enlightened you. And you couldn't wait to tell your friends about it.
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This is where the second viewing comes in. I felt that Johnny and my friend Kelly needed to hear what TJ had to say so much so, that I queued right up for a second time, just to watch their expectations raise to an enlightened level. And I was right. Instruction manual put to good use, object built, knowledge dispersed.
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Totem Figures is all about the concept of identifying the items in your life that shape you, make you who you are today, and finding that system of patterns in the non-random choosing of your life's heroes...or totems. Totems can be people, places, things. But they all have one thing in common: They are pre-ordained to make you the person you are today and help create your own Totem Myth about yourself.
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Maybe this is why for years I have been going by the name BetaMike. This is my Totem Myth. I am no more or less a composite of all the things that have shaped me in the past. It is music that I have listened to, films that I have gravitated toward, and people that I have looked up to. TJ explains that all of us have a "Mt. Rushmore" and the faces that we carve onto that mythological structure are our totem figures.
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I have over the years found power in the number nine. How this number came into my life as a central figure I can't remember, but it has taken center stage for a while. My family moved when I was in the 9th grade, I was born in '72 (7 +2 + 9), this year I will be 36 (3 + 6 = 9). I do a lot of things based around the number nine and when I see this totem figure in my life, I tend to pay attention to it.
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This is of course just one example of how my life is shaped by the Totem Figures on my "Mt. Rushmore" but there are many others, some of which I have talked about here on the Skinny Tie Report. Who are yours? Why?
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Thank you to TJ Dawe and his brilliant 90 minute dialogue on this concept.
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Coachella - The "Got My Struttin' Dress On" Report

2008-04-29T18:13:00.019-04:00

Another Coachella has since come and gone. I arrived back home from the desert this morning still wearing the same clothes put on almost 24 hours before, which caused a bit of a freak out once I awoke and could barely remember checking out of our lodging the day before.
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Sleep deprivation be damned, there are many reasons one puts up with scorching 100 degree heat, dust so potent that it should be a narcotic, squishing into skinny black jeans despite said 100 degree heat...oh, and braving curry bowls despite all of the above.
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Your choices are as follows:
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A) The Music - Going to see Prince anytime soon? Featuring Sheila E.? Yeah, didn't think so.
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B) The People - Guy with screen printed penis speedo? Check!
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C) The Sights - See above, ACTUAL purple mountains (no pun intended), real life re-enactment of "The Hills" episodes
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D) The Smells - Arid desert air, burning flesh, cookie pie, several grades of pot, did I mention curry?
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If you selected any of the above, you would be correct! If you placed them in any hierarchical order, then you may have a problem. Deciding to go to Coachella this year was a no-brainer but in it's ninth year of existence, it was by all accounts on the verge of being musically underwhelming. Oh! Music snob you say?...hell yes, I founded the damn club. The promise of Jack Johnson getting top billing over Hot Chip (who packed as many people inside their tent as J.J. did on the main stage) and some seemingly self-centered choices made by Paul Tollett, made me scratch my head and wonder if this too was like a bastardized American version of a great Britcom like AbFab or Kath & Kim - everything to everyone and way over-produced.
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But the greatest thing about Coachella 2008 (as it is every year) is the A-game that each of these acts bring to this festival. Smirk or not, Coachella is still a benchmark in tastemaking for the year to come. Discovering gems like Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, or the booty twerking spectacle of Kid Sister could make even those with the most severe sweat wedgie grin from ear to ear. This year, stand out performances also came in the form of Mark Ronson's genius guest listing of Ricky Wilson, Tim Burgess, Kenna, Sam Sparrow and...Kelly Osbourne? performing songs off his ever-evolving album "Versions," or the spectacular face melting stylings of Chromeo. You just can't get this eclectic kind of of sampling anywhere else. At least not first, or with such a spectacular backdrop.
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Another reason that makes Coachella so great is the fact that so many people come from all over with the same intention of having a great time. I find this to be the opposite of seeing a show in, say, your home town where boredom breeds idiotic behavior, and anyone with two bits and the ability to call sick the next day can, and usually will, crowd the floor with the intention of spoiling an otherwise great show by acting out in ways that would make baby Jesus cry.
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Yes, I feel a bit like a poseur for playa-hating this year's initial line-up, but given the chance to redeem myself, I would like to just say it is cathartic to air out my lack of foresight and now have the ability to just be happy to have celebrated music and art and cookie pies. Isn't that after all what a blog is for?
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This year's biggest regret of course is missing Battles (who will no doubt be packing an even bigger tent at next year's festival), and the show stopping spectacle of Roger Waters performing Dark Side of the Moon in what I have been told was the hand-down biggest stunt that Coachella has ever pulled since placing two French robots atop a giant LED pyramid (which I luckily did have the foresight to witness). But alas, that is yet another reason that this festival is so great. You are allowed to make choices and live with them and make peace with that. Reflected especially well in this election year, it is something that I think I will be carrying forward. Of course, to those that have ever dropped in on this blog before, I couldn't help but point out two amazing things: First is that the promoters behind Coachella impressed me thoroughly by being able to present almost every artist on the Ed Banger label in one festival. Something that was not lost on me as I was able to make all but two of their sets. Secondly - this was the year that saw Hot Chip become voted "Most Popular" at the festival and (not to give myself much credit), three years ago I began campaigning on the Coachella message boards for this to happen. Luckily, either fate, record sales, sanity, common sense, or timing prevailed. I would love to think that it was my blatant whisper campaign that got the boys from London to play to an overflowing crowd, and made the almost unbearable conditions inside the Sahara seem like heavenly caramel.
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To my Coachie friends, thank you again for an amazing year and for really making this about more than the music. Grandpa Kelley loves 'ya!
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Coachella: Take 4

2008-04-14T13:01:00.015-04:00

It is hard to believe that four years ago I began posting here for the sole purpose of documenting my very first Coachella experience. It was around this same time that I rekindled connections with some dear old friends, and was about to cement foundations with new ones.
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Of course over the years the Skinny Tie Report has seen everything pop culture related from the idiotic, to the sublime, to the sublimely idiotic. Then came the three year itch. That time when life sort of becomes escapist enough that blogging about it becomes somewhat ironic. I've since had a passing love/hate relationship with becoming committed to posting here once again.
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Looking upon the upcoming Coachella Music and Arts Festival this year (2008 for those of you who may stumble upon this years from now), has given me at least enough resolve to become chatty once again.
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In this age of informative gossip rags, music hosting blogs, and family photo albums, I can't promise much anymore. In fact, I have found that posting sets of my photos over at Flickr...complete with captions... suffice much better than trying to Sylvia Plath my way through any explanation I can muster here.
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However, since I am if nothing else a traditionalist, watch for a complete recap of what is sure to be an amazing musical and pop culture experience, shared with those who appreciate it most, and who (ironically) this whole kit an kaboodle is dedicated to.
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Objectify My Love

2008-04-07T18:13:00.006-04:00

I own a lot of t-shirts. Some are ironic and some just graphically pleasing (to me anyway), then there are the ones I wear to advertise my undying allegiance to my favorite bands. I love the idea of being able to show off your cool with that very rare Lollapalooza '92 shirt or keeping Fresh Young Minds alive way past their prime.
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Imagine my surprise when I ran across a series of shirts from bands I would proudly support, celebrating one of the things I find completely commercial...if not slightly distasteful. Hot Chip, Daft Punk, Iggy Pop and others are celebrating the Hef by designing shirts to be sold through the Playboy website. Don't get me wrong, I find Playboy to be as American as apple pie and their bunny logo to be as graphically iconic as the golden arches, but I'm used to seeing it mostly tattooed on the thighs of bottle blondes at the county fair.
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I would feel a little strange wearing a symbol of exploitation such as this, but then again...I'd be hard pressed to pass up a gold foil robot Guy Manuel/Thomas Bangalter bunny shirt.
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Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll!

Geeksta 4 Life

2008-04-06T21:53:00.008-04:00

Get ready to cash in fanboys...Geekdom is finally getting it's due. A new film entitled "Nerdcore Rising" which documents the current culture of "Geeksta Rap," premiered at the 2008 SXSW Music & Film Festival and will hopefully make inroads to your local coffeehouse, record shop, or independent film festival (should your town have one)...although the library or your neighborhood comic book store would be more accurate.
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"Nerdcore Rising follows MC Frontalot the "Godfather of Nerdcore" on his first national tour to reveal the roots of the genre, the dorky complexities of its artists, and one MC's fight for nerd stardom. Featuring Weird Al Yankovic, Prince Paul, Jello Biafra, Tycho & Gabe, Brian Posehn, ... and a slew of other nerdcore artists and commentators."
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This is a must see, if just for the supporting Cast! Far be it for me to criticize what has, up until now, been my own private Idaho, but my only fear is that this too shall become du rigeur for rich kids with a bank roll and a sense or irony. Then again, "a sense of irony" is the slogan printed on the back of the 12-sided dice we nerds use as currency.
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Go West

2008-04-04T17:31:00.001-04:00

Worst idea ever?

Kanye West Travel Company

Sav-A-Lot Surprises

2008-03-17T19:45:00.006-04:00

Shopping at Sav-A-Lot may not be something that everyone does. I'm not sure why everyone wouldn't want to. Low prices, friendly staff, plenty of choices. It is almost like opening a portal into Narnia. Then there's this...the Sav-A-Lot branded line of items that defy logic and leave you with a sense of dread and joy. Pinching a penny has never been so unintentionally funny.
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Care for some Mountain Holler? Mr. Sun is here, mouth half-cocked as if to say "Jigga whaaa...I gots some radical citrus flava heuah"
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There's no better way to blow out your colon and have a tasty snack at the same time. Popcorn with Olestra. Butter Blowout - better grab a bag...and a towel!
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Just one dollar? When you care enough to make sure planning a family is accurate, grab a U_Check. Our friendly emoticon will tell you if you should apply for WIC or party again like it's the day after!
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More found Sav-A-Lot surprises here at my Flickr page.
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Hot Chip Makes Me Glow

2008-03-11T12:04:00.003-04:00

As if loving Hot Chip (going on 4 years now...even before the buzz) wasn't enough in itself, the lads from London have partnered with Threadless.com to promote a shirt design contest with the theme, naturally....of Made In The Dark "Innovative Use of Glow Ink"
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So if you've got a great idea, support Threadless, Hot Chip, and shaking booties everywhere!
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José González

2008-03-02T23:35:00.020-05:00

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I first stumbled upon José González somewhere in my subconscious when I saw a Flickr photo set by someone who was on location when they shot that cute Sony Bravia commercial in San Francisco. You know the one...with all the neat multi-colored bouncing balls. ! Anyway, the song "Heartbeats" captured my attention but soon after hearing it, my existence turned to the cold, calculated world of electronic music. Not to say that I have never really jonesed for the soothing sounds of that coffee house bard stuff, I just really have to be in the mood to not move to my music.
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Then something strange happened. While lost in the jungle of my new found affection for the cathode ray-cool of the likes of Ladytron, Kavinsky, and MSTRKRFT, I heard something eerily familiar while listening to group from Sweden called The Knife. It was a little darker and a bit more up-tempo, but there was "Heartbeats" again. Except instead of conjuring up images of brightly colored bouncy orbs, the only thing I could think of was how terrifying Karin Andersson would look singing this love song with her face in black light (you just have to know The Knife to appreciate that).
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Around this time the 2007 Coachella Arts & Music Festival came and I was hellbent on getting up close for Teddybears, yet another group from Sweden. To accomplish this, I had to get there early and see the two acts before them, forcing my way to the front of the tent where the crowd had gathered to see...José González!
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I only managed to hear the last two songs of his set, but I was completely sold, practically forgetting why I came to the stage in the first place. José was up there effortlessly pouring his heart out with just a guitar and a vast empty stage, and the tent was dead silent. The only two songs I managed to hear were covers of Massive Attack's "Teardrop" and Bronski Beat's "Smalltown Boy." At this point, I nearly cried. It could have also been because of the vast amount of happy smoke being puffed at the side of the stage that I was on.
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Needless to say, I couldn't wait to invest more time and energy into listening to what José González was trying to sell me. I bought both of his albums and poured over material relating to the singer. I am a covers junkie and even though José writes a lot of his own material, some of his best stuff comes from making (dare I say) others songs better...or at least different. From Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart," to Massive Attack's "Teardrop," there is a craft in how he finds the perfect song to cover. I was surprised to re-discover Zero 7's album The Garden which was made exponentially terrific by their use of José on the track "Crosses" and "Futures." If those songs do not haunt you after hearing them, then you have no soul. I also discovered along the way that despite the Latin roots of his name, José González is actually from Gothenburg, Sweden...the same exact town that The Knife is from! I love when life is like a palindrome in that way. No wonder I fell in love with the dark nature of José González's music.
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I promised myself that if José ever came within a two state radius (I do live in Florida after all...two is my limit), that I would be there. You cannot imagine the Tiger Beat glee I felt when I learned that he would be playing The Social, mere blocks from my house.
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The show was amazing...and sold out. I was shocked. Well, not shocked, but I was pleasantly surprised that half of Orlando recognized quality when they saw it. Sadly, the show sold out before my best concert pal Stephanie was able to grab a ticket but she was kind enough to stand outside with me until the doors opened. Love her!
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Supplied with just a guitar and a piece of wood to tap his foot on, José González took the stage with almost a hero's welcome and again, the venue fell silent. There comes a time when the imperfections of live make the texture of the experience that much better, and José González is a textbook example of this. Somehow, the vibrato and tone of his voice on songs such as "Crosses" and "Killing For Love" seem to double and almost become an instrument as obvious as his guitar. Quiet and humbled by the attention that follows him, he did manage to impishly smile and request that we clap along...but only if you knew the song.
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The set and performance was incredible with nearly every song from Veneer being covered as well as a large amount of songs from In Our Nature. One of the highlights was again, his masterful selection of a cover...this time Kylie Minogue's "Hand on Your Heart" which brought even the chattiest kids at The Social to a halt.
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If José wasn't already near perfect in my book, I learned that this entire tour is completely green by partnering with Reverb, a non-profit organization designed to educate and engage music fans and promote environmental sustainability. José requests biodegradable catering products and a reduction of plastic water bottles; González and Reverb will calculate the CO2 footprint of the tour and neutralize emissions from venue energy use, ground transportation, flights and hotel accommodations by supporting clean renewable energy projects. In fact, the back of my José González sticker explained how part of the purchase of my ticket will go to off-set the carbon footprint left by the tour.
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See below for more information on José González and to see photos from my Flickr set.
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Skinny Tie Flickr Set
José González official site
José González Wiki
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Lounging In Florida

2008-02-27T09:29:00.005-05:00

Just off the beaten path in Ormond Beach (and dangerously close to Daytona), this little slice of Polynesia has weathered over 50 years and made it through the adversity of hippies, bikers, 80's flourescence, condos of the 90's and is still able to maintain a non-ironic vibe that sweeps you off your feet from the moment you see it, to the very second you step through it's big wooden doors.

If you want a "pretty" decent meal, like to people watch (Blanche, Rose, Sophia and Dorothy would fit right inside here), this is the place for you!!!!

I first came here about 8 years ago and was blown away, I couldn't tell you at all what the food was like then as I was too mesmerized by the sheer existence of this place. To add to the ambiance, they used to have a Filipino couple doing lounge versions of Patsy Cline hits (seriously, ALL of Patsy's songs) by the bar.

Some of the essence has changed over the years, but if you like kitsch...and really, you wouldn't be here if you didn't...you will not be disappointed.

To see Julian's in all of its Tiki Terror, jump on over to my Flickr Page.

IKEA Orlando Sneak Peek!

2007-11-10T21:53:00.001-05:00

IKEA 001
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Nothing like poppin' the new Orlando IKEA's ligonberry cherry. More photos here.

Stomp Once For Britney

2007-11-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

Whether it's on Yo Gabba Gabba or doing her own thing on her own page, I am loving Leslie & the Ly's. "Scissor kicks and Lady Flips y'all...I'm scrapbooking everything we do!"
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Word on her website (cryptically anyway) is that she's coming to Orlando! Break out the Bedazzler!
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Green Blogging

2007-10-21T21:23:00.001-04:00

Before we all get taxed for the privilege of using the internet (oh you better believe it's coming), we might as well take comfort that in the last breaths of this free trade environment, there are those that are trying to make a difference. Sure the internet is for pr0n, but the people from These Come From Trees are more for making it a little more conscious. Part grass roots campaign, part street team, the hope is that stickers like these will appear across the nation reminding everyone that essentially everything (except the internet) comes from trees. Think about it before you clean up that sticky mess with the mangled appendage from a live oak.
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I freaking love the color black. I used to despise it but then, somewhere in the hazy malaise of art school, I learned that black is the presence of all color. It tripped me out and I've loved it ever since. This was of course before emo made it cool for other reasons. While you are looking up that neat little factoid I just told you about, consider searching for it on Blackle. The principle behind Blackle is based on the fact that the display of different colors consumes different amounts of energy on computer monitors. The creators of Blackle cite the US Dept. of Energy's Energy Star information page which states that a monitor displaying white uses 74 watts, while a monitor displaying black uses 59 watts. They also cite a 2002 study from Roberson, who tested a variety of CRT and LCD monitors and found that an all black screen consumed less energy than an all white screen on all of them.

The creators of Blackle state that the idea behind the site came from a blog, which estimated that a black Google would save 750 Megawatt-hours a year. On the Blackle homepage, the creators of Blackle provide a count of the number of watt-hours that they claim the users of Blackle have collectively saved.

Of course, I lifted all of this nifty information off of Blackle's Wiki page...which coincidentally is...white.
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Going green sometimes conjures up an image of a rash-inducing crunchy cardboard future. However, the folks over at Haute Nature are inspiring us by showcasing creative ideas, art & green products for children, home and lifestyle...blending style with sustainability. Take these amazing recycled Coke can Manolo Blahniks. Form over function or just responsible dressing? You decide.
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MSTRKRFT

2007-10-17T22:05:00.001-04:00

Aluminum Anniversary

2007-10-17T22:04:00.001-04:00

Keeping It Fresh
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

10 great years!

When You Care Enough To Hit Send

2007-09-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

someecards.com

BetaMike's Birthday

2007-09-23T00:18:00.001-04:00

BetaMike's Birthday
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

It was a fantastic birthday! Turning 35 goes down a lot easier when you have a nice glass of friendship to go along with it. My actual birthday is the 23rd (along with JBA) but today I was surprised by a visit from my friends Stephanie, Kelly and Josh at Gatorland. Later on, Christy, Devan and Kelly surprised me with a birthday cake and JBA surprised me with a new bike!

The onset of a few gray hairs over the past few months and the increasing amount of laugh lines in my face faded away when I realized that this was the first time since I was eight, that I actually had a birthday "party."

It was a good day. A good day indeed.

Gatorlandia!

2007-09-22T23:27:00.001-04:00

Gatorland Map
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

For our birthday, JBA and I decided to hit yet another of Florida's great natural resources...the tourist trap! But to my surprise, sneaky JBA had arranged for some of the Coachies to meet us there. It was the best birthday ever!!!! Check out our Gatorland fun here

Heima-orage

2007-09-18T20:50:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish I were in a rock band only to be able to make a spectacular homecoming and kick ass....as in this clip.

GLIMMA of Hope

2007-09-09T19:44:00.000-04:00

Yay! (from the Ikea website)
Customers can begin lining up at IKEA Orlando at 9:00 AM on Monday morning, November 12, 2007 – in advance of our November 14 opening. We are going to be doing something special for everyone on opening morning so you do not have to be the first, second, or third customer in line* in order to share in the fun.
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Drat!
* There will be no specific prize given to just the first, second, or third customer in line.

Dollywood!

2007-09-06T22:00:00.001-04:00

Rub A Dub Dolly
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

It was mostly work with a smidge of play, but like a bull in a china shop, a fox in the hen house...Dollywood felt the Beta touch. See my lovely lady lumps adventureshere. Rainbow hugs and butterfly kisses.

I'm In Labor!

2007-09-03T00:24:00.001-04:00

High Larry-ous
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

...Labor Day that is!

Three days of labor day fun in, around, and about O'do. More holiday pregnancy here

Weeki Wachee Springs

2007-08-25T22:24:00.001-04:00

MerBeta
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Celebrating 60 years of camp, kitsch, roadside Florida at its best, and more than just a little touch of male chauvinist mermaid exploitation. Check it out here.
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Once a mermaid, always a mermaid.
Being a mermaid is a magical job. As the mermaids sing in The Little Mermaid show:
We’re not like other women,
We don’t have to clean an oven
And we never will grow old,
We’ve got the world by the tail!
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The Brothers Chemical Get Fishy Widit

2007-08-14T20:11:00.000-04:00

Branson Here I Come!...Or Went Anyway

2007-08-13T19:21:00.001-04:00

The Country Bunkhouse
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Even though my trip back home was a little more abbreviated that I normally allow for, I did make a mad dash through the 76 Strip primarily to visit Dick's 5 & 10 (that more and more folks are discovering each time I go) and partially to see what has changes since my childhood.

For finger pickin' good fun, go here.

Silver Dollar City

2007-08-13T19:16:00.002-04:00

Outhouse
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

My travels back to the Ozarks also brought me to one of my "happy places"....Silver Dollar City in the heart of the Ozark Mountains. Pull up a rocking chair and hear the cicadas here.

There's No Place Like Home!

2007-08-13T18:48:00.001-04:00

Miss Teen Gravette
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Ambassa-Beta gets the invitation of a lifetime, to be honored in the 114th Gravette Day Parade! You can see more from my visit to Northwest Arkansas Righ'chere!

5 Years Old Already?!

2007-08-05T20:47:00.001-04:00

5 Years Old Already?!
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

It's been less than four years since Olive came into our lives but today she turned a "big girl" 5 years old.
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Olive had a Boston "T" party with her pals Polly and Franklin Reynolds at Orlando's Fleet Peeples Park. More dog-gone fun here

They Mean Meat!

2007-08-04T21:35:00.001-04:00

They Mean Meat!
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Found on Orange Blossom Trail (shivers)

Little, Yellow, Different?

2007-07-29T19:26:00.001-04:00

I wish the word hypocrite was actually spelled "hip"-o-crit so I would at least feel a little bit better about being one. You might recall in the infancy of my little blog that I threw virtual stones at everyone who was caught up in the yellow rubber band craze (and for as worthy of a purpose as it is, let's face it...it's a craze). Now it seems that the bandwagon that I so detest, I have fallen face first into. D'oh!

Me-ish

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If you have not by this point been assaulted by the PR machine that is the Simpson's Movie, then Smack! Pop! Wheeeeee! The Simpsonizer has gotten so much play that there has even been a Flickr group devoted to it. Clunky, noisy and utterly unflattering (who woulda thunk it), my first attempt at creating a jaundiced version of myself didn't give me the "hey look at me!" creeps that I thought it would but more or less left me wondering if I truly look like everyone else as the results that were coughed up suggest.
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Simpsonize me!
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JBA & Beta creating puddles in the Kwik-E lot

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I do feel that the site has potential but unless you are "normal" height, weight or don't have a distinguishing facial feature, you might as well just be happy that the thing takes your photo at all...again, if you're lucky enough for that to even happen. After some trial and error, I was finally able to get a picture of mine to upload and the results were less than...ummm, flattering. I am a pretty skinny guy and well, unless I wanted Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, I found myself somewhere between normal and normal-ish in weight.
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me with Chuck's and a Mr. Pibb

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Thank God for the creation of Photoshop. In about half the time it took to upload a "correct" photo and browse through a hundred variations of the same guy, I was able to customize my Simpson self to better reflect what I might look like if I were to really join the bandwagon.

Beta's Brevard Bust

2007-07-29T11:15:00.001-04:00

Lorikeet Attack
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Beta and JBA visit the Brevard Zoo, the little zoo that could. See more on my Flickr site

Whaaaaat!?

2007-07-28T23:44:00.001-04:00

Dr Pepper Creme Cake 002
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Wii Are Nuts

2007-07-17T17:58:00.000-04:00

To celebrate the arrival of Esquire in town and I don't know, the invention of air conditioning (it doesn't take a lot for us to want to get together), some of the Coachies loosened up our mortar and pestles, dug our hands deep into Gashapon and Sashook's Wii sack, and let our balls fly!

Does My Ass Make This Car Look Big?

2007-07-15T20:00:00.001-04:00

Now that the Ambassa-bug has been paid off and the VW GTI is steadily climbing upwards in price, I have begun to look elsewhere for a modus getaroundus. I'd like something environmentally friendly, great on mileage and looks like it jumped out of the wet dream of a Japanese graphic designer. Behold!
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aMUSEment Park

2007-07-14T19:27:00.000-04:00

You may or may not know what a freak I am about the fanciful artwork of one-time Walt Disney Imagineer and illustrator Mary Blair. If you are in the "ummm, no I did'unh" school, then consider this your non-threatening smack on the ass. For those of you already clued into the awesomeness, you already know how influential her work is. Her work can be found everywhere from Golden Books to 1950's advertising to just about every great thing that was produced by the Walt Disney Company.
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Anyway, I eat her work up like curry chocolate. It's Post Modern Skittles for the eyes...you know, taste the rainbow and kitsch.
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Picture now my delight when Muse released a video to their song "Invincible" that imagines a Blair-esque attraction ala' "it's a small world" except with ravenous teddy bears and explosions. Ummm...please remain seated at all times Mr. Bellamy until the boat has come to a complete stop.

Kwik-E-Mart Consumes Orlando

2007-07-04T19:39:00.000-04:00

Please to be getting your gas at Kwik-E-Mart. Florida heat is incredibly intense, our completely natural roof is made from 100% mozzarella cheese and licorice. But please, pay before pumping.

Our shop sells the finest wares. Do not be fooled by the appearance of the no parking in this photo as we have ample spaces at both the hotel, church of heathen gods and premium ditch locations available for when it rains...doubles as a car wash!

Thank you for loitering. Please come again. Also, we are fond of saying that we will begrudgingly refund your money on any items that are not half eaten.
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Delicious Krusty O's are more than a way to start your day, you may also end it abruptly.
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Buzz Cola will get you buzzing. Please do not buzz around our clean restrooms. Your mother does not work here for the love of Ganesh.
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We only sell the finest Squishee flavors, mostly tan, green and chunky.
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24 hour security at most stores. As long as the shelves are stocked with our fine baked products.
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Oh. Time to order more Krusty O's. In the meantime, please imagine a fully stocked shelf of Frosted Krusty O's, All Bran Krusty Nuts and Magical Cran Board Dusty Rings.
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Please do not eat any food items while in Kwik-E-Mart. Please to be thanking you very much.
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Please advise what the sign says. Our premium products are worth an investment of your time and colon.
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Geek Squirt!

2007-07-02T23:38:00.001-04:00

Somehow, I don't know...because I've been really good lately or let some old lady out in front of me during rush hour, I was privileged to get a ticket to see Transformers tonight. Two whole days before it officially rolls out to theaters everywhere.
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Why here? Why in the shitty Fiesta Bay maze-o-plex? Why do the movie versions of my beloved Transformers suddenly make me have a severe case of Belonephobia? How freaking cool was this shit! All of these questions still unanswered save the last one....very!
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Maybe it's nigh 20 years of pent up daydreaming (gasp! what if my Transformers were Reeeeal!) or maybe it's simply the fact that what could have been the final nail on the coffin of my youth, which I have wrapped in nostalgia and preserved like a pharaohs organs, turned out to be quite pleasant.
Of course there were the over-the-top Michael Bay eccentricities that one would assume would come with a Michael Bay film but the mere touch of Steven Spielberg somehow reeled it all back from the abyss, like Starscream foiling another of Megatron's plans, if you will.
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If I weren't already almost 35 years old and without kids, I might have balked a little on the frequent loss of life, use of the middle finger and open talk of...masterbation, but come on. Over half of the fan boys in the place knew exactly what that parent to son conversation was all about. Am I right boys? Boys?
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Yes, yes...there are far too few actual Autobots and Decepticons for my personal gratification and the ones they did choose (Ironhide??) had a few things left to be desired, primarily the fact that Bumblebee isn't a (say it with me) VW Bug. But a few digs here and there, riffs off of the old cartoon thrown in for good measure and a huge dose of powerhouse voices such as original Transformer actors Peter Cullen, Charles Adler and some surprising "new" ones (Hugo Weaving!!) gave this film just enough gravitas to make my heart sing and appreciate every little pot hole I dodged on my way home in my little (say it with me) VW Bug.
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Dutch Baby...What's My Name Bitch!

2007-07-01T20:04:00.003-04:00

In my recent travels to South Carolina, I had the pleasure to visit an institution called the "Original Pancake House" (as opposed to Pancake House Beta, no relation). Inside was a visual kaleidescope of mint green booths set against bright red painted walls. If you're a student of color study, you may recall that this is not a great move in regards to motivating appetites but then again, you are at a place called The Original Pancake House, you know what your getting yourself into. The complex menu required me to feyly ask the waitress to give me a few more minutes before I finally settled on something that sounded both terrifying and...terrifying at the same time. The Dutch Baby.
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Given the fact that I was in the equivalent of a pancake Ellis Island where I could have had a doughy concoction of any nationality, I gravitated toward the Dutch Baby mostly because it didn't have a photo, it was prominently featured in bold and I had somewhat of a death wish this week. I hate syrupy sweet things in general and I was assured that this was out of the ordinary when it comes to traditional pancakes. Basically I was told "If 'ya like eggs, you'll love it..."
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"Whaaa...?" I said, as my waitress wheeled off to attend to the booth of red hat ladies behind me. When this monstrosity was placed before me, it resembled a grade school drawing of a snowy canker sore and took up half of the table. A few minutes later, I was brought a caddy with butter, fresh cut lemon and powdered sugar. I was given a five second pep talk regarding how to use these elements on my "Dutch Baby" before my waitress again disappeared to flap some jacks or pop some poor child's balloon as I had the distinct feeling she was expertly deft at doing. Left to my own devices, I timidly skated the pat of whipped butter around the inside of the "baby" which made me feel a little like I was on the other side of the kitchen cutting block from Chris Hanson, then to really fuck things up (what the hell, right?) I squeezed the lemon over the center of the doughy abyss followed by a dusting of powdered sugar which turned into a veritable mud bath.
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Inexplicably what happened next was akin to discovering a tucked away little country store, wood paneling and linoleum floors still intact, selling fully stocked treasures of my youth at Reagan-era prices. In short, I blog about this only in hopes to let the world know how great this eggy treat is but fear for its inevitable gentrification and sampling by Kanye West. Despite being named after some anonymous dead baby with wooden shoes (I assume), this shit is the bomb!
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Transitioning now to something that has always bothered me. US Weekly. Is it us as in "we" or is it only for people in these United States of Amurica? Is there a UK Weekly? I have always wondered just how to pronounce the title of this crappy little Super Cuts staple and ever since it's inception, anytime I flip through Entertainment Weekly (its more citified cousin) and see them refer to themselves as EW, I can't help but wonder if they mean "Ewww."
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Beta Spin

2007-06-29T20:27:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, I got the most unusual email nestled in between the chain letters that my mom forwards me and those pesky chain letters that John Kerry forwards me (it's over John!). It was from a nice man at Spin magazine asking if he could use one of the pictures that I took at Coachella this year in Spin Magazine.
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ErrrrRRRrrrrr?
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True to his word, this week saw my first ever photo published in a magazine with a larger subscription base than say, Cat Fancy. Thanks Spin for making me happy about the Teddybears all over again. Does this count towards me getting a press pass for next year?
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The money shot.

I had never been front row for a show in my life until Teddybears. Pick up the June 26th issue of Spin and look for me on page 24!

Best Commercial Ever?

2007-06-28T20:07:00.000-04:00

Ironically while watching Ghost Hunters (just to see the sexual tension between Jason and Grant...it's there), I saw a commercial that blindsided me and has since become the stuff of nightmares for days on end. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you....
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The Berries and Cream lad.
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Obviously a move by Starburst to sell more product and "speak" to the MySpace generation, or Dutch mama's boys, all I can think of is the unholy trio of the Burger King, zombie-like Quaker Oats man and this guy forming a veritable legion of doom and reigning over the dark days that will surely ensue if the Pepsi Generation ever takes over the world.
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Seen At Hilton Head Part 2.

2007-06-25T20:19:00.000-04:00

Christie Is The Shizzile
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Seen at Hilton Head Part 1.

2007-06-24T20:21:00.001-04:00

Black Love Oil
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

Cheddar Beer Flavored Kettle Chips

2007-06-19T19:08:00.000-04:00

What?!
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Frat boys and NASCAR fans everywhere have spoken and beer has officially joined the ranks of America's favorite snack. Actually, next to pot brownies, I couldn't think of a more obvious evolution for someone who has the "munchies."
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Normally I wouldn't have given these a second look. I mean, just take a gander at the bag. Old timey font, and, oooooh, what a lovely brown color...make that two shades of brown. Mmmmm, Rusetty! Wait...what's that? Cheddar Beer?
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If I didn't absolutely love the crisp greasy taste of a kettle cooked chip, I would have needed a playtex wipe to clean up the oily discharge in the aisle brought on by my laughter at such hootenanny. Instead, I grabbed the bastards and headed for the check out. This will either be the best thing ever or quite honestly the most revolting concept since Clamato juice.

See, it's right there on the packaging. A match made in HEAVEN. The thick paper bag was tightly sealed and took a good 3 minutes to open before I managed to finally rip it open, which gave it the authentic experience of trying to open a beer bottle without a bottle opener. The whiff of potatoey mustiness that escaped the bag combined with the heady scent of what smelled like sour cheddar made me rethink my constitution towards finding these even remotely delicious.

!Upon first taste, I couldn't detect any discernible "beer" flavor. Or if there was, possibly it wasn't a brand of beer that I was accustomed to. But right there on the back of the bag was "natural beer flavor" including "beer solids" such as barley malt, hops and yeast. After this, I convinced myself that I could definitely taste "something" but my mind was mostly thinking it was something sour and yeasty and totally reminded my why I detest beer outright, mostly for knowing how it's made. A tour of the Budweiser factory in St. Louis made sure I was scarred for life.
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All in all, unless you like "eating" your beer, I'd pass on these or wait until they come out with something a little more exciting and fun like in a lollipop or ice cream.
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Papercut!

2007-06-16T15:37:00.000-04:00

I'm not an advocate of supporting bigotry nor do I pretend to try to stifle others freedom of speech or thought, but a recent discovery at Publix by my good friend Gashapon got me wondering, "can shit like this really still exist in this day and age?!"
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I of course speak in regards to the recent discovery of the below Hallmark card: Let's dissect shall we?
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(front)

Just look at the beauty of this still life! You know, as a kid I used to get off on thumbing through my mom's Betty Crocker Cooking books. They served up a cornucopia of similarly washed-out food phantasmagoria. Plus 5 points! On the flip side, having studied typography and design for a little while, I am a little put off by the horrible font that Hallmark has decided to use here. It's the same one you typically find on their line of 3rd Grade graduation cards or those that feature that annoying old lady in curlers who always has a cup of coffee dangerously close to her sagging boobs who's always screeching bon motts like "If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays"...HA! Minus 2 points. Adding to the annoya is their need to add random color to the empty space in all of the "closed" letters - it's like every first year designer's crutch. I've used it a million times!
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Now for the obviously creepy. It appears that this boy has invited his dad to a nice picnic of delicate fruits, champagne and crusty bread. We're playing right into their hands!

(inside)

Too queer? Maybe this card was lost in Hallmark's warehouse for decades since like, the Fifties, and is only now seeing the light of day. It could be that the term queer is a euphemism for "strange" or "of questionable nature." Upon first glance I was surprisingly pleased and elated to see something so shocking come out of a Hallmark card, I actually giggled. Then I imagined the the artist's cubicle where this piece of crap was designed festooned with NRA propaganda and every "W in '04" sticker that wouldn't fit on his (or her) breeder mobile.
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Sadly, I can imagine a million dad's actually getting a kick out of this card, for the wrong reasons. I can also imagine the instant karma brought on by the these same dad's one moment regaling in their proud homophobia, soon turning to doing anything but stopping short of trying to seduce their own son to see if he himself has homosexual tendencies for buying the card in the first place. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

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Sticks and stones and all that jazz but the fact that a card, no matter how aimless or unintentionally hurtful was green lit by the sentinels of smarm at the house of Snoopy and cheap-ass Christmas ornaments is just plain wrong, especially in this day and age of unapologetic Isiah Washington's and Super Bowl Snickers commercials . Even if you find this card ironically funny as I do, it really is a dangerous thing to have exist on shelves next to tampons and white bread. Of course I should tell you that Hallmark has recanted their decision to release the card and has stopped printing it but not (mind you) going as far as pulling it from stores. I bought all four copies that were left under the same impulses that fueled my youthful craving for Garbage Pail Kids and my grandma's kitschy Aunt Jemima plastic ware.
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Sigh...what's a boy to do? How about buying dad a gift certificate to Abercrombie & Fitch. There's nothing queer about that.

Olive Celebrates Betamike's Decade at Disney

2007-06-13T19:58:00.001-04:00

10 Year 003
Originally uploaded by skinnytie

That'll teach you to take my daddy away from me for more than 8 hours a day!

I Ain't Sayin' I'm A Fence Sitta...

2007-06-07T19:20:00.000-04:00

Major carousel face time! Actually, I'm not sure if I can muster the strength to get off the fence to either pick up my sword in rage or don my furry teddy bear mascot costume in support of this, but Kanye West (self proclaimed heir apparent to Christ Almighty himself) has, I suppose, felt the need to step away from sampling the music that I suckled the teat of in my youth...ala' The Police, Chaka Khan and Annie (of little orphan fame) to mounting his sucktacular rap like the Black Lion from Voltron onto the bombastic pillars of more modern giants such as Daft Punk.
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Yeah, you heard me...Daft Punk.
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Kanye West has just recorded a song over a slowed down version of Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster Stronger" called appropriately "Stronger." The complicated process of deciphering the inherent good and evil of this is almost as layered as some complicated multi-layered thing that escapes my mind right now because I'm freakin' blown away at the cojones on this guy!!! Call me uncultured but the success of most every rap song that has made the top 40 in the past five years has done so on the bruised heels of a breathy Spandau Ballet "True" or the back beat of Phil Collins. Why the hell are these songs so popular? Is it their misogynistic lyrics or their undeniable juicy soft core 80's pop hook? To now feast on the robotic corpse of those that aren't even dead yet has me scratching my head.
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Just as I feared, the interenet is abuzz with comments like: "The song is alright but I'd love to hear it without the rapping...where can I find the original!" and "I wish I could hear the song without the guy rapping over it..."
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!!!!!
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Exactly!!! Is this how the youth of today is going to discover one of my favorite songs from one of my all time favorite artists? Or worse, is this how Kanye West will conquer another fan base by sticking is words in an already terrific song like a wild boar in the Lord of the Flies?
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On the other side of the fence, isn't this what I've been waiting for? To have the masses finally sway over to the electronic side and realize the genius of Guy Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter? Shouldn't I, as a peace loving, flag waving, music sharing fan of the robots welcome anyone who thinks their music genius enough to sample? Finally, isn't it already ironic how Daft's "Harder Better Faster Stronger" is already a better song thanks to their sampling of Edwin Birdsong's "Cola Bottle Baby"? If so, then who is at fault here? Daft Punk for discovering this little gem first or Kanye for not knowing he is a two timing sampling God? Either way, Kanye is way overrated but I can't help liking this crap in the same way I like poking my gums with the blunt end of a toothpick.
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Hear For Yourself: Courtesy of Zshare

!To be fair, a Guide To Daft's Own Sampling:Courtesy of Palms Out Sounds!

For your giggling pleasure:

Kanye's lyrics:
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n- n- now th- that don't kill me
can only make me stronger
i need you to hurry up now
cause i can't wait much longer
i know i got to be right now
cause i cant get much wronger
man i've been waitin' all night now
that's how long i've been on ya
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i need you right now
i need you right now
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lets get lost tonight
you could be my black kate moss tonight
play secretary i'm the boss tonight
and you don't give a f*** what they all say right?
awesome, the christian and and kristen dior
damn they don't make 'em like this anymore
i ask, cause i'm not sure
do anybody make real shit anymore?
bow in the presence of greatness
cause right now thou has forsaken us
you should be honored by my lateness
that i would even show up to this fake sh*t
so go ahead go nuts go ape sh*t
specially on my best stand on my bape sh*t
act like you can't tell who made this
new gospel homey take six, and take this, haters
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n- n- now th- that don't kill me
can only make me stronger
i need you to hurry up now
cause i can't wait much longer
i know i got to be right now
cause i cant get much wronger
man i've been waitin' all night now
that's how long i've been on ya
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i need you right now
i need you right now
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me likey
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i don't know if you got a man or not,
if you made plans or not
god put me in the plans or not
i'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lot
but i know that god put you in front of me
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so how the hell could you front on me
there's a thousand you's there's only one of me
i'm trippin' i'm caught up in the moment right?
this is louis vuitton dime night
so we gon' do everything that kan like
heard they'd do anything for a klondike
well i'd do anything for a blonde-dike
and she'll do anything for the limelight
and we'll do anything when the time's right
ugh, baby you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)
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Visualeria

2007-06-03T16:58:00.000-04:00

How the mind wanders overseas....

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Pretty-er
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Get the camera out of my face Mr. Hanson! I was just here for the gellato I promise!
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At the Barcelona Airport
Just wrong...
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Even wrong-er
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Feeling Minnesota
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Climb aboard my Chocotube and go for a ride!
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Mickey Thongs...only in France

Hey there, Hi There, Ho there
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I heart Reba
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Paris - The B&W Tour

2007-05-31T20:33:00.001-04:00

Barthalona Day 3 - Heavy on the "th" sound

2007-05-31T18:22:00.000-04:00

First off before I get going, two things: #1, You may be wondering...did I fall of the face of the Earth? Well, no. Okay, kinda. Of all the places in Europe that I had troubles receiving a wireless connection, it turns out it was at Disney Resort. Now, I'm not knocking my good pals at Disneyland Paris but let's just say that I would take reading Google and Blogger in Spanish all over again versus trying to rig a connection out of shoe laces and aluminium foil like I had to at my Disneyland Paris Resort hotel.
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#2: This post is officially my 365th post on the Skinny Tie Report!!! One for every day of the year! And since the STR just turned two years old, that's like one whole year absent of posts. Pathetic!
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Okay, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, Betamike was gettin' holy in gothic cathedrals, obsessing over the whacked genius of Gaudi and smacking my lips over the gastronomic acrobatics of anchovie and hazelnut chocolates. Yum! Sadly, today was my last day in Barcelona and I can honestly say that I'm truly going to miss it. I would love to have explored this amazing city more, the Olympic Village, Parc Guell, Pueblo Espana, but today brought a trip outside the city to the gorgeous Spanish countryside. I felt like putting on a polka dotted head scarf, dropping the top on my Mercedes convertable and waving to the locals like I was Grace Kelly but I was on a tour bus so the closest thing I could do was try to get everyone to do a Mika sing-a-long. Have I lost you yet? Good.
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I have honestly never been interested in visiting a vineyard before. Of course, who would be interested in visiting one in Florida? Get me over to one of the great vineyards of Europe and I'm game. Totally. Today I began my trek at the Codorniu vineyards in sunny Catalunya. The harvesting season had just finished so there wasn't much to look at on the vine but next year's bubbly were already starting to sprout!
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The tour was very extensive with a wonderful guide who reminded me of Audrey Tautou. I was able to view the stomping, bottling and storing of this amazing product. There was even a cool tram tour several levels below the Earth in almost complete darkness where upon several occassions I screamed like a little girl just knowing that I saw zombies lurking down some of the offshoot corridors.
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Everyone in Spain was so gracious and accommodating, just amazing! My Spanish is pretty much non-existent but it wouldn't have mattered in the North of Spain much anyway as everyone here speaks Catalan which is a language unto itself, part lispy (thus the "thhhh" sound in Barcelona) with a tad bit of Spanish, French and Portuguese thrown in. But don't worry, even if you're like me and the only foreign language you know is Pig Latin, you'll be okay. Heck, even the Spanish can't understand Catalan!
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The next stop was at a monestary on top of a huge cliff called Monserrat. It is told that explorers found a religious relic in the 14th century, a black Madonna and child. When the relic was to be moved to the small town of Monserrat below, the statue seemed to constantly gain mass and became heavier and heavier. Considering this a sign, the Madonna and child were left in the spot of the cathedral at the monestary and has become a spot of pilgrimage for many Catholics the world over. The line to get to the Madonna was over an hour and a half! Considering this a sign...I decided to get something to eat in the cafeteria. Monestaries have some of the best food ever!
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I ended my day back in Barthhhhhhelona at Contra vi nu, a 16th century farmhouse covered in purple bougainvilleas looking like something out of Paramount's Technicolor library. The food here was simply amazing and so out of the way of the touristy places frequented by annoying Americans like myself. Except for the fact that this is one of Eminem's favorite places to eat when he comes to Barcelona to...culture things up and what not.
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The evening was spent with great friends, sipping on Sangria and eating skillets full of paella. As I settled into my sleek European platform bed, thoughts of religious periphery and the pink cava I had at Codorniu fueled dreams of bull fights, conquistadors and Royal feudalism. My ancestral roots were just tingling with exthitement!
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Barcelona Day 2 - Gothic-y

2007-05-26T20:55:00.000-04:00

Today we began at Parc Montjuic at the top of the city where the view is breathtaking! This section of town reminds me a lot of Bel Aire in Los Angeles with it's winding roads and quaint hidden little parks. Situated at the top of a small mountain, we passed the site of the 1992 Olympics where we saw the Olympic torch and the men and women's high dive pavilion that was so famously featured during the games. As I was here on business especial, I did my little media thang then enjoyed the multitude of oral delights that today's agenda offered...and I had some pork.
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Next stop was La Rambla which is the place to eat, shop and loose your wallet. According to locals, this is the second most dangerous street for your back pocket in the world! Yikes! Never you mind I didn't have much money to begin with. La Rambla is filled with anything that you can imagine from the familiar like Diesel to farmer's markets and street vendors selling squirrels (wtf!) to the amazing artistry of the living statues.
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Having a free moment to break away from tapas and most of all, PORK, I ventured into the Hard Rock Cafe to get a taste of something familiar. As if a sign from above, the seating hostess sat me right next to Brian Bell from Weezer's guitar! The same one he used in the "Make Believe" video.
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La Rambla is a maze of corridors and side streets. You never know what you will find if you just take a few moments and explore. This was my absolute favorite shop....ever!! Ever since I had read the Candy Blog and heard of European chocolates that are spiced with all kinds of funky things, I have been a man on a mission and this place did not dissapoint. I found chocolate flavored with black pepper, olive oil, rose petals, gin and tonic and curry!!!!
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Being this close to the old Gothic quarter, it is my recommendation that you take time and explore the origins of Barcelona away from the hustle and bustle. You will be glad you did.
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The cathedral in the gothic quarter has more stories and history behind it than most churches around the world. This is the first stop Christopher Columbus made upon his return from America so that he could baptise the native Americans that he brought back with him. Pretty significant to think that the first true Americans ever to set foot on this continent came to this very spot. Where's my Lee Greenwood tape and a boombox!
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Of course the great thing about Barcelona is that it is a very cosmopolitain city. Gucci and Prada boutiques are like McDonald's here...they are everywhere! Strolling back from a nice pork free dinner we stumbled across the Gaudi designed Casa Batllo (owned by Chupa Chups, I shit you not) that I told you about earlier. You can tour this place for 16 Euro and see how progressive Gaudi was, he was a freakin' genius. Unfortunately, the days go by quick here. It's usually daylight when it's 9 p.m. and before you know it, it's time for supper then bed.
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The Rain In Spain Falls Mostly On The Plain

2007-05-26T19:00:00.000-04:00

So there are some things that I have learned about my time in Spain that I feel are worth passing on. These are pretty general observations of things that are pretty much commonly known but surprised the hell out of me.
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Mortgages are in the 1 Million Euro range (that's not good folks) and are at minimum 50 year mortgages in most major cities making it near impossible to get, unless you are an double jointed hotel heiress.
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The work day starts around 10 a.m., quits for two hours in the afternoon between two and four p.m. and then resumes again at 4 p.m. until 8 or 10 p.m.!!
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Lunch is the major meal here often taking the full two hours that I just mentioned. During this time, you may choose to have tapas which are very popular or go to a full service restaurant. Prepare to have up to 6 courses if tapas and 3 courses if a sit down a'la carte. Usually lunch will run you only an amazingly small 12 Euros for you to stuff your fat face sillly.
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If you are an American, you can get into pretty much any restaurant in any major metropolitain city in Spain. No, not because of our white rap or Scientologist superstars. Because we all get hungry around 7 p.m. and eat in these places when it's just you, the maitre'd and the cook. Residents don't come out until around 10 p.m. The same works for clubs but in reverse because unless you actually like dancing with yourself, then you'd better be ready to head out at 2 a.m. after you get done eating supper at midnight.
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Did I mention that pork is everywhere?
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In most of Europe, tips are not expected. If you like your service, tipping is fine but even at fine establishments 1 Euro is gracious.
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Health care is free here and tuition at most universities will run you anywhere from 900 to 1200 Euros per year!
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We Americans suck down way too much carmel colored cola beverages. Here in Spain, when you order a Coke (there is no other), it comes in something like an orange juice glass. Diet Coke is "Coke Light." ! Best of all, everything comes with lemon with out you even having to ask!
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Pork, The One You Love

2007-05-26T18:13:00.001-04:00

Michael Jackson said it best when he said "Jamon!" In Spain, ham is the "it" flavor. More than just a fad, it's a way of life. My close relative in particular is green with envy over the porcine flavored life I have become accustomed to. Ham is everywhere here in Spain, it's a national pastime that's as popular as drinking and smoking and a force that must be reckoned with. Do not take lightly the fact that you will have, at least 4 times per day, a good helping of somewhat raw, very tasty ham. It's everywhere! In kid's lunch boxes, on almost every corner like Starbucks, you must respect the hammeria!
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At the airport for you just, you know, can't live without it.
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Tap a tap a tapas!
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Main course of course
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At the most important meal of the day
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Just plain hard up at times
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Take it where you can get it, even on the go!
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Just plain ridiculous...ham sandwich?
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Total ham
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Spain Day 4 - Bienvenidos Barcelona!

2007-05-26T11:02:00.000-04:00

Today begins the second leg of my tour of Spain and so far not even the slightest sign of chocolateria! It helps when you only drink the bottled stuff I guess. How does one describe Barcelona? Hmmm, well...Barcelona is to Madrid what L.A. is to New York, what Coke is to Pepsi, what Ikea is to Target, what Posh is to Sporty. But to be fair, both cities are filled with their fair share of Spice Girls.
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Sagrada Familia. Possibly the best piece of work that Antoni Gaudi never got to finish. Filled with religious symbolism, modernist curves and just plain whacked-out freaky stuff, this church still under construction is possibly the most amazing thing that I have ever seen. There is really no way to describe the feeling that you get when you gaze up into the heavens or try to figure out the riddles of its design. Poor Gaudi was unfortunatly killed by a trolly, the San Francisco treat kind, not the Strawberry Shortcake kind, before he could finish his masterpiece. Construction has been ongoing ever since then by generations of Gaudi's followers who have carved their own nitche of weirdness over the century.
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The opposite side of the original facade has a more cubist, angular feel. Where the front of the Sagrada Familia depicts Christ's birth, the back side shows us his adult life eventually leading to his crucifiction. The Christ that you see behind me caused protest a few years back as it shows a completely nude Jesus. ... Completely. Nude. Jesus. ... Three words that I just don't like saying if it weren't for the sake of letting you know.
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This cryptogram is genius and possibly my favorite part of the the Sagrada Familia. The numbers, no matter how you add them up, equal the number 33; the age that Jesus was when he was crucified. It's just like being in the Da Vinci Code!
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Our next stop was Parc Guell where we were met by Gaudi (?) himself!
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This park was originally supposed to have plots for 60 houses or more but the land was so far away from the center of the city that it was never sold. Gaudi then bought the property and hit it with the crazy stick and I am forever grateful. Salamanders (the unofficial town symbol), dragons, baby doll parts (seriously) and every color that you can imagine finds its home here.
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Most of Gaudi's building's tell a story. Anything from the simple, like the Hansel and Grettle house as seen above to the insane Casa Batllo which tells the story of a dragon eating a town full of people and the house being made of their bones. Craaaazy partaaaay!
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After a full day of running around Gaudi land, I checked into my ultra sexy room at the Hotel Alexandra and got my party duds on because I had a date with a special event.
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We chartered a private boat and ventured out into the Meditteranean to watch the Disney Magic come in for the first time to it's new, exotic port of call. It wouldn't be a Disney event without a few fireworks, classic Disney fanfare and Mickey speaking in Spanish!
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Madrid Day 3 - Who Cazar? Alcazar!

2007-05-23T19:13:00.001-04:00

Beautiful Segovia. I had a farm in Segovia....this is the type of place that makes me want to slap on a baret and write beautiful prose about fruit and naked bodies. Founded by Celts in the waaaay back, it was renamed Segovia (meaning fortress) by the Romans who owned everything it seems. This quaint city is a mix of so many different cultures, like something right out of a fairy tale. It has the rolling green hills of Ireland, the wood and stucco facades of Bavaria, the red tile roofs of Spain, the Dickensian cobblestone streets of England and the storybook castles of France. The one thing this place is though is C to the U.T.E.!
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Alcazar (or castle) of Segovia was the home of many lines of royalty of the centuries. It's most famous residents were King Ferdinand and Queen Elizabeth of Spain. Trust me, I've seen plenty of castles...like almost every day, but this stopped me dead in my tracks. Walt Disney visted here in his travels and was so inspired by its beauty that he modeled Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland after it.
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It's not easy bein' green...Or hanging over a mossy embankment while someone takes your picture.
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This is the very spot that Christopher Columbus asked, and received permission, for funding of his trip to the new world. This is the same view that he would have had as he asked King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella for funding. If America as we know it was consumated on the shores of Virginia, then this is the high school dance where the romance began and we got to second base!
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We ate lunch at Meson de Candido, a restaurant so exclusive that unless you are a resident, you don't get in. We got special access not only to the restaurant but to it's signature dish, the roasted suckling pig which was presided over by Senor Candido himself who preceded to cut it with a plate and then smashed it against the floor. I was at a loss for words.
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The acqueduct was built by the Romans in 5 A.D. and is still used by the people of Segovia to this day.
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The adventurers at the end of their trip back through time and Spain's rich cultural history and heritage. Next stop, the modern sassy pants-ness of Barcelona!
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Madrid Day 2: Getting The Royal Bull!

2007-05-23T11:54:00.000-04:00

Day 2 of my visit to Madrid consisted of visiting the Royal Palace used by the King and Queen of Spain from 1764 to 1931. With over 2,800 rooms inside, the current King of Spain, Juan Carlos and his Queen decided that this was just a tad goshe and moved to a smaller, more intimate palace near Segovia. Madrid is quickly becoming the the land of no photos as just this week, the Royal Palace (it changes daily apparently) went photo free. Sigh....
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Our next stop was at the Royal Tapestry factory where all of the amazing tapestries that we saw inside the Royal Palace are made. The amount of painstaking attention to detail and craftsmanship that goes into just one tapestry is amazing! With only about 60 employees, this factory has seen the likes of Goya and the most elite of Spain walk through its doors to commission their very own work. Here we see AmbassAdonis and AmbassaGarnett recording their spot for the Royal Tapestry Factory recap. No photos yet of AmbassaBeta getting his interview on as I had my camera in my pocket.
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Here we come, walking down the street...we get the funniest looks...give us some Sangria!
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Toro!!!! We ended the day by taking in a bullfight. It was only 9 Euros and well, when in Spain...
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Going inside the Plaza de Toros was something like experiencing what it must have felt like to watch lions eat Christians back in the Roman times. Shoulder to shoulder with the locals, beer, wine and cigarellos being consumed like oxygen (oh Jesus what I would have given for some fresh air), being "of the people" was certainly an interesting if not educational experience.
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Misconception #1: Hot pink capes...what the hell?
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Misconception #2: This is not a pretty event. Especially for someone like me who anthromorphicizes animals quite a lot.
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Let's just say, this does not have a happy ending...every time....three or four times per match. Bugs Bunny owes me for that crap he used to feed me on Saturday mornings!
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Suffice it to say, I have it all on video and photo but I'll spare you the details and just give you Jasmine and Marika's faces. Oh well, if it weren't for my appreciation for the cultural heritage of it all, I'd write a letter to the King. Which would have been easy as he was three rows down from where we were sitting. Sadly there was no toilet paper to be found in the men's room.
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¡descubrimiento del día!
You can get Botox over the counter!

Mad about Madrid - Capítulo Uno

2007-05-23T02:12:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh, Spain. After ten hours of flying and sitting through "Music and Lyrics", I finally made it to Madrid.

Madrid is like any other city in Europe with their McDonald's, left hand driving and assortment of Cheetos products. Visually, it is a little like Germany, Italy and well, Spain combined all in one. I am staying at the beautiful Hotel Preciados in the heart of the Financial District (read: titty bars) and am just so excited to be here!
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My most excellent hotel room. Hard wood floors, clean lines, frosted closet doors, bleached wood furniture, it's like every design geek's wet dream!
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You gotta love the Europeans! Only here would they think to be green enough to tie all of the electric use in your room to this nifty little device. Electricity will flow only if you have your room key inserted in the special slot in the wall. Make sure you grab your room key before you leave for the day!
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Cafe de Oriente - Madrid was originally an Arab city (Madrid means water that flows underneath) before the Spanish made this hard core Spain. This restaurant is very, very old and upon renovating the basement, they found the ruins of an Arab settlement. We dined here the first night and had our very first tapas! Tapas is the norm here in Spain. Derived from the word tapas (duh). In the old days, to prevent flys (Spanish I would assume) from getting in your drink, local establishments placed plates (tapas) over the glass. Someone got wise to the fact that small portions of salty foods made people want to drink more thus the Spanish culture was born!
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It was an exciting first day and I can't wait to tell you all more about my adventures through Spain. As long as my connection holds up and I can translate everything from Blogger.es, I should be fine!
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¿Dónde está Betamike?

2007-05-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

Seré fuera del país en aventuras por el viaje de Disney a España del de mayo 20 al de mayo 30. Apesadumbrado para el silencio largo pero usted se utilizan probablemente a eso ahora. ¡Me pondré al día cuando consigo detrás!

- Betamike

Jelly Squirt!

2007-05-15T18:09:00.000-04:00

Let me tell 'ya a story of how one of the world's lamest Reaganomic candies did an about face this week and swayed my vote! Soda Pop Shoppe flavors! Clearly, playing bi-partisan here by calling these beverage inspired beans both "soda" and "pop" as not to offend any regional dialects is a nice play by Secretary of Deliciousness, Mr. Goelitz. Personally, jelly beans are one of the most insipid candies that I can think of save for those awful dried drops of icing on that long sheet of waxed paper that tries to pass itself off as "candy." The problem with jelly beans are that they always got lost in the cellophane grass of your Easter basket, or worse, turned into a revolting vomit-inducing nightmare when in the dim light of the room, you mistake a harmless grape bean for the most horrendous of all flavors, black licorice! The thought of it as I type this sends shivers from that little hangy-down thing in my throat to my balloon knot! Yes, it's that bad!
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I think by now you probably understand that it's isn't exactly the soda flavors that excite me here, it's the fact that this is a novelty item! Not just a novelty item, the Madonna Truth or Dare of novelty items! Freakin' Dr. Pepper people!!! How can you go wrong with that? I sometimes think that Jelly Belly goes a little overboard sometimes with their concoctions (buttered popcorn anyone?) but overall, they are responsible for some of the most genius flavors out there such as chocolate pudding, peach and cantaloupe. In the Eighties, it was so en-vogue to make your own "peanut butter and jelly sandwich" by combining the grape jelly and peanut butter flavors in between swapping Swatch watches and layering your Izod shirts. Let it be known that I am also a huge fan of anything from the "pepper" family as my friends Gashapon and Kelis know, such as Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper, and to have it come in the form of a small capsule is like 2007 A Taste Odyssey!
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(other than by contractual obligation by represented. It's bubbly and zingy and tastes a lot like the real thing which frightens me that somewhere, someday, there will most likely be a Mountain Dew or Vault flavor coming our way. It is strange to me that A&W gets their flavor in here (other than by contractual obligation by According to the folks at Jelly Belly, the actual syrup from the beverage went into the creation of the bean and by taste, I would say that it's pretty close; no hint of prune. Orange Crush has never been a favorite beverage of mine and quite honestly, I can't remember ever tasting Grape Crush mostly because anything grape flavored aside from Bubble Yum is from Satan. Seriously, in my humble opinion, grape flavored beverages usually come off tasting like hydrochloric acid. The 7-Up bean has the most zing and completes the soda "feel" of the bag since there isn't an actual cola per se other than Dr. Pepper. It is baffling to me why there are two flavors of A&W included (other than by contractual obligation by the people at Schwepps) because it is by far the most unremarkable. The root beer and cream soda flavors could be any random off brand of the same flavor and something that I've tasted before somewhere else before this although I should be grateful that they spared us a diet flavor.
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I found these gems in a nice single serving bag at a very low, low, non-committal price at 7-11. It is unclear if these are a seasonal item or not but two things of note: the Dr. Pepper and A&W flavors have apparently been so popular that they are now included in the Official 50 Flavors of Jelly Belly but sadly, it appears that their website makes no mention of the rest of the Soda Pop Shoppe flavors. R.I.P.
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Also....Eeeek!
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Impulse Buy! Sipahhh Straws Bananaaaa

2007-05-14T18:04:00.000-04:00

Holy Cow! A straw that can flavor your milk? Personally, I am not one of those people that can haphazardly temp fate by changing up what nature has designed to come in only one flavor: bland and white. Like middle America!
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In fact, I don't typically keep milk in the house. If there's ever a cause for me to say, have a Mac n' Cheese emergency then maybe I'll run out and buy a quart but I personally like to eat my cereal dry. I think because it halfway convinces me that I am getting away with eating something "grainy" and fractionally healthy even though Reese's Peanut Butter Cereal hardly counts as either healthy nor cereal. My point is this: After I eat my cereal, nothing gives me the heebie-geebies like room temperature, slightly discolored, overly sweet milk ...and I hate wasting precious milk. I usually have tons of it left over and like some kind of culinary white guilt, I imagine some poor bovine and all she went through cultivating and carrying milk in her bulging udder. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Al Gore speaks of this kind of waste hidden somewhere as an Easter Egg on the "An Inconvenient Truth" DVD. The agony!
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Maybe it's the magic of the impulse buy or maybe I just looooove bananas (or at least the thought of banana flavored items) but check out my most recent purchase Walgreen's. It looks about as useful as a Lunchable and as practical as that already-mixed jar of peanut butter & jelly. I mean, who needs this niche? Did I mention that it's freakin' banana flavored?! I guess I do! Come with me now as I document trying this magical product.
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The Packaging: What can I say, I am haunted by the poor cow merrily riding the straw like a stripper pole, staring at me, accusing me of years of spilled milk. "My udders burn with anger!"
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The balance of colors on the box is appealing to me in a wholesome milk-friendly kind of way. I immediately wonder how they got the milk to "splash" like that before addding the cow to the artwork. This product is also kind of pricey, $2 for ten straws. A gamble when you can't clearly see what kind of straw you are actually getting. Is it paper, candy, or according to the advertising ...animated? Will the milk turn a golden pee color?
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The Straw: Upon closer inspection, it appears that the straw is both an actual straw fused with some sort of savvy filtration system and something that reminds me somewhat of an enema with little yellow pellets inside, sort of like a Contac cold capsule. I hope this tastes better than a laxative cold capsule. Little, yellow, different.
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The Mechanics: Taking my fist sip, there is a slight rustle of the beads infusing the milk with banana goodness. The beads act as a flavor difuser while actually staying inside the straw. Sort of like those cosmetic pellets that are so popular with the womens. My animalistic impulses kick in as I take a continuous breath making a game of moving all the little yellow pellets up the straw. Suck! Suck! Suck!

The Taste: Sweet Jesus! The nano-technology is simply amazing! I wonder if this would work directly off the cow's teat. Overall, a surprisingly mild delicious banana flavor which reminds me of a fine banana pudding sans those nasty crumbs you usually find in a typical pudding of that sort, another pet peeve of mine. The beads dissolve just as I take my last puff. Worth the 2 shekels.
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Mama Who Bore Me

2007-05-12T21:35:00.000-04:00

Mothers
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Grandma Kelley & Kathleen
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There is no love in this world like that of a mother. It's one that envelops and does not smother; you give us promise when there is doubt, if not for your life, mine would be without.
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Happy Mother's Day
to all the women who make a difference in my life:
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Beta, Mom & Kentley share tea and a laugh
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From the mama who bore me...
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Beta & Grandma Parnham
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...to the Grandmothers' who adore me,
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Miss Olive-Louise-Jenkins-Smith & her boy
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and even those that snore with me.
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You all are so strong and I am nothing without you
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My Little Sis

2007-05-10T18:43:00.000-04:00

You've graduated from Holly Hobbie to having real hobbies, from being a pain in my ass to being world class. We've shared laughs and tears all through the years and best of all, you let me play with your Strawberry Shortcake dolls!
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Happy Birthday Sislets! I love 'ya!

Coachella 2007 - The GOOD

2007-05-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

Coachella. What an amazing experience and let me tell you, 2007 did not disappoint (Unless of course you traveled 3,000 miles and left your ticket at home). That's tough considering the hard act that it had to follow thanks to its 2006 incarnation, but each year is like a chrysalis; you never know what is going to emerge until you peep inside and see the beautiful freaky butterfly with spandex wings and laser antennae that shimmys up to the heavens...usually bigger, savvier and more adapted to its environment. That being said, this year's Coachella socked me in my art hole by unleashing one of the most well put together visual displays both eye-popping and socially conscious and gave us some of the hottest sounds to listen to as we poured melting sno cones over our tired, burnt and totally danced-out feet. But they ain't gonna go to rehab, I said "no, no, no!"
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It would be difficult to give you a play by play of what all happened this year since the half-naked Gods of Coachella, in their wizened ways, decided to make this a three day festival as apposed to the normal customary two and I'm sure that not even Jane Austen could write a tome that could capture the Dickensian spirit of the Hell Train coupled with booty shaking exposed thongs of Spank Rock. So, in true slacker form, I give you a recap in the guise of three simple sections that I feel give the best encapsulation of how I feel about this year's Coachella.
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The GOOD, The BAnD, and The WTF?
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First up, THE GOOD. All the things that I cannot describe in words but felt strongly enough at the moment to capture in photo. The people...whether it be catching some rays (you could do this in the darkest corners of your room at midnight, it was hot this year!) and stealing a smooch from your best friend as you listened to The Decemberists, or wondering through the ever-diminishing concentric circles of the [KA Labyrinth] only to find yourself in a commune of J.R.R. Tolkien enthusiasts at the center, this year's Coachella had every color of the rainbow and every flavor of the sno cone. The first day out was my "relax" day where I only had conflicts band-wise toward the evening so I was able to capture some of the inhabitants and monuments that made this year so great.
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Amid the bare midriffs and fire-breathing sculptures was the addition of a little bit of eco-awareness in the form of The Energy Factory where you could pop a bag of Ethanol powered popcorn for $1 (best meal deal hands down) or charge your cell phone via stationary bikes (in the 106 degree heat!) and since water comes at a premium in a place like the mojave, the Coachella people tested this sea of Gen Y'ers at a real live game of Legends of the Hidden Temple in an effort to stay hydrated and keep the grounds looking beautiful. For every ten empty bottles of water you brought in, you got one free! Genius! Although I am not sure how many other kids found themselves dumpster diving, I was hard up enough to stalk the Sahara Dance tent after a particularly thirsty rave flavored MSTRKRFT set to gather up as many bottles as my little stick arms could carry. I was so happy that I even had some random gypsy capture my face on my first haul.
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Victory!!! I've got 3 bars!!!
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The Coachella Music and Arts festival is both one sweaty body moving en mass, sort of like red blood cells through tiny grassy corridors. If you are lucky, you know where you are going and flow right into the crowd and land in your next artery of good music. On the other hand, there are these wonderful little pockets of beauty that you can discover when you least expect it. Vast play areas for the mind.