Wednesday, March 30, 2005

American Idol Recap 03/30/05 - Ten Kids, One Night, Lots of Flannel!

Ten Kids, One Night and Lots of Flannel!

6 guys, 4 girls. This is what it has come down to after all that fancy mathematical footwork in the beginning so that there could be a balanced playing field. Right now the boys are massacring the girls number-wise, although I personally think that the girls are much better than the boys. By the way, Ryan’s outfit is hideous. There! I was trying to fit that in somewhere.

No cool camera shot from the back of the video wall tonight, so there is at the very least a reason to keep watching, as it might happen again! Sign from the audience (which will be referred to as the House of Yes for the rest of this email to please my whims) which says "Grandma wants a date with Bo" For real? Grandma loves her Wookies!

Seacrest reveals tonight’s Theme du jour in a post dated video most likely filmed after Mikalah’s tearful departure (hugs Miks!) in the Coke room. It is rumored that the Coke room actually smells like Coke! Seacrud tickles the kids’ gray matter by asking noodlers like "It was the decade that Donna Summer got her star on the walk of fame" huh?! "Geri Halliwell left the Spice Girls" Well, since the Spice Girls lasted for exactly one year, I can only speculate that it’s the 90’s!!!!!!!!


Well, at least the kids seem excited since this is about the only decade that most of them remember. Power Rangers! Ace of Base! Vanilla Ice! Rico Suave! It’s crap-tastic!! We choose this over an 80’s theme night huh? I know that this is probably blasphemy to most people but I cannot stand the 90’s. Culturally and musically this was an awkward time in the world. I look back on it as modern rock’s "pimple" stage, which has fully blossomed into a strapping young buck by the way…or voluptuous babe depending on your camp. With hilarity and no sense of decade, Seacrest harkens us back to when we were wearing parachute pants…huh? No, that would be the ever so stylish 80’s! (yes, I am aware much of the 80’s sucked too, thank you). Also, I made up that rumor about the Coke scented room because it would be just too cool.

Up first is a man who knows the 90’s first-hand. BoBice! Who will be singing "Remedy" by the Black Crowes. Whoa! Constantine says those are fighting words! Bo says he can’t remember the 90’s because he was touring with his band and sleeping on guitar cases. And not taking baths I would assume. He is glad he can look back and not remember it. I do the same thing without benefit of touring with my band. Do you see the giant belt buckle video screen? It has the backing band playing on it larger than life. It is so much more than pastel swirls and raging fire! Bo is wearing an entire cow on his head. A pretty good rendition of the Crowes. Almost sounds like Chris Robinson too but not half as ugly. Bo jumps up on the judges table, Paula gets the cow hat. Randy says that he loves the outfit, likes the performance. Bo makes a really poor attempt at a cow joke by saying that he is "mooooved" by Randy’s comments. NEXT!!! Paula is fixated on the hat still. I will go great with all of her other cow themed outfits from her MC Scat Cat days. Paula says he is on the right track. Simon doesn't’t like the song and says that he really does like Bo but that it was rather like a wedding performance. Okay, excuse me, but there is a kid behind Simon wearing a neon green sign. The kid is actually the sign! Too bad you can’t read it. It probably says shoot me.

Back from a commercial break. Seacrest makes fun of Simon’s standard black shirt. Simon retorts and all Seacrest can say to Simon in rebuttal is "nice flattop." I love Seacrest unscripted! Jessica Sierra is here to confuse us by talking all about her first concert in the 90’s. It was a Dixie Chicks concert and it was so cool and everything. So of course she sings a Leann Rhymes song. [editor’s note: This week the producers of American Idol see fit to not include the artist and song during the video bio making it very hard to dredge up some of this 90’s muck, thank Mario for Google] Jessica’s family and Friends are in the House of Yes holding a Jessica sign upside down! Way to go Plant City! Randy says that she is consistent in her performance but is less than enthused in his tone. Paula thinks it didn't’t showcase her talent very well. Simon gives her a complex by saying that she doesn't’t have a likeability factor like the other girls and that she will become forgettable. You think? Simon confirms that it was a Leann Rhymes song. Thank you Simon.


Everyone’s favorite Muppet Anwar Robinson is next with (hold on a second while I look this up) "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly. Yes, I have heard of the song, I just keep thinking of Bugs Bunny when I hear it. Anwar reflects on the time that he was going to sing for President Clinton but his float broke down. I had to laugh, sorry. We find Miss Thing where he is most comfortable, on the catwalk. Anwar starts sitting on the edge of the catwalk in what will become a popular trend tonight. I call it Bo Flex. Matt Rogers makes it into the camera shot somehow. It starts a little rocky but keeps building until he gets a glory note in there and holds it. Randy tells him that he has a problem with his lower register but the end saved him. Paula takes Randy down memory lane as they recount how long they have known each other in one of those conversations that you know isn’t going to turn out good. SLAM! Randy is wrong!!! Stealth move Paula, no one saw it coming. Simon thinks Paula is one jazz hands move shy of a 90’s revival tour. He agrees with Randy.

Lovely Nadia Turner. Nadia is wise and world weary. She has seen many things and has had many, many, manymanymany different hairstyles. We are privy to the latest in what is sure to be only a passing affair. She will be singing Melissa Etheridge’s "I’m the Only One." She rocks it Tina style, making it a very bearable performance to a song I don’t care for particularly. One of her earrings is caught up in her latest "do." Something is missing. In a song that talks about walking through fire and such, the producers didn't’t put up the A.I. flames on the giant video belt buckle. Man, they put those things up there every chance they get! Randy says that she is not the best singer in the competition…what? Even if that’s the case, that’s a pretty bold move dawg. Paula says it is miles better than last week. Simon says basically the same thing except he uses the word "horror" to describe it. Okay, I ask you, was it that bad? I know I have rose colored glasses when it comes to Nadia but come on now! Nadia gets to talk to Seacrest a bit and I notice for the first time that she has like a gold sequent bra on the outside of her shirt. Not a Mohawk but I’ll take it!

Next up is Constantine Maroulissss. Constantine says that the 90’s were a great time for him. You couldn’t tell Constantine, you couldn’t tell. Surprisingly, given the chance to sing a Black Crowes period piece or at the very least grunge, he instead decides to sing…Bonnie Raitt! "I Can’t Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt that is. ‘tine starts out Bo Flexing and does a pretty good job making the song his own. You almost forget for a moment that it is a chick song…almost. The stage lights are a nice touch. They make him all purple and greasy. Of course the stage lights can’t take all of the credit I guess. Randy says it his best vocal performance by far. Paula also says it is the best by far. Does no one refer to his performance last week with the word "horror"? Simon invokes the great Bo vs. Constantine battle by saying that this round goes to ‘tine! Simon says that what he has done is smart, he has appealed to his target audience. Which appears to be young tarts who like smokers? ‘tine gives the camera one of those "lick you" looks. We are about to go to commercial. How can you tell, you ask? Why, thanks for asking, the bright orange lighter that Simon is waving around in his hand during ‘tine’s critique. It’s time for a smoke and a Coke!

Back from commercial. We are faced with Nikko Smith. Nikko mentions his dad, famed St. Louis Cardinals baseball player Ozzie Smith. Growing up near St. Louis I used to worship Ozzie and his cool back flips and such. I even had his rookie card. Tonight, Nikko reveals to me that during a 90’s farewell ceremony, his dad cried! The Oz cried man! He is singing I have no idea what…but I looked it up for ‘ya! It appears to be "Can We Talk" by Tevin Campbell. Besides the shaky voice and unfamiliarity with the song, I am amused with Nikko’s karate kick that starts off the song. Also, his outfit is interesting in a way. It is almost the photo negative of what Seacrest is wearing tonight. Nikko does a neat dance move from the 90’s called the "run and slip and make a "whoa" shape with your mouth." Randy is getting into it. He is pumped by the performance. Paula is all cheerleader mom again and is proud of Nikko. Simon says that it was a breath of fresh air but a copy of the original. I have no knowledge of it being either. Seacrest comes over and pats Nikko on the back. To Seacrest’s surprise, the airbrushing wasn’t dry yet.

Anthony Federov is next. In his video clip he talks about being four years old in the 90’s…four!!! Also, is it just me or is the Ukranian accent finally coming out in his voice? A Fed is Bo Flexing it as well on the side of the stage wearing a shirt so green Kermit throws him a gang sign. It appears that A Fed now has a stylist because the glasses are gone and his hair is a little more stylistically messy. Also, A Fed is wearing makeup. LOTS of makeup. Eye shadow and rouge people!!! But he does look so pretty. He also has the vertical rip going on with the jeans tonight…which in and of itself is a mini theme this evening. Many of the kids are sporting the ripped jeans. Dress up for Miks sake!!!! I’m not the brightest bangle in the bunch but I looked up "The Way You Look Tonight," which is what he was singing, and all I could find was Frank Sinatra. I also looked on iTunes and unless it was Richard "Cookie" Thomas, I must have missed old Blue Eyes heyday in the 90’s. Anyway, I wasn’t impressed with the overall song and I’m getting a little worried about this guy. He did manage to pull off a Clay note at the end but without the reaction that Clay used to get. Randy isn’t too enthusiastic and gets jeers from the House of Yes. Paula can see that her boy is hungry and feeds him what he is looking for…acceptance! Simon plays bad cop and says that it was excruciating. I’m saying less makeup than Tammy Faye but more than say, Gwenneth Paltrow. Sound about right?

Sign in the House of Yes: Little boy holding a sign that says "Scotty the Body" I have to get me one of those!

Carrie Underwood greets us after commercial break. I like when that happens. Ohmigosh! She is so excited to tell us about the time her dad was cleaning his guns and scared off her boyfriend. Yeah. She is singing "Independence Day" by Martina McBride which apparently was a big hit back in 1994. On the country charts. I have no clue. She is back to her country roots this week and sounding mighty nice! The judges are into it, the House of Yes is into it, heck I’m into it! The has a very nice outfit on. She is wearing a green sequent scarf and black suit, the long chain by her side is questionable. Carrie brings it, style-wise to A.I.4! Randy says it is great to the sixth power. Paula cheerleads. Simon says that she has the "it" factor and again basically says that she is going to win it. If this chick doesn’t burn down the barn on country night, I’ll be hog tied and hen pecked!

Pig Boy Scott Savol tells us that he held many jobs on the road to success in the 90’s, mostly food related. Of course he doesn’t mention what song is going to sing so I gotta go look up what I think is the title. It appears to be "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight. The producers have chosen a nice water effect in the background. I would guess because of the mention of tears in the song. It’s a little pitchy at first. Then it gets quite a bit more pitchy. I still say that I really like his voice. He just needs to do something more creative with it. A lot of his choices are safe choices I think. Some interesting things going on with Pig Boy tonight. He is sporting the vertical stripes, good thing. They are silk however. I have never noticed until tonight but he is developing a little John Water’s mustache which has to be hard to maintain along with the symmetrical design he has going on under the chin. He also has pajama bottoms on. Randy says that it was pitchy (thank you) but ended well. Paula cheerleads that she didn’t hear pitchy at all. Paula, can you hear your fading career? Simon says that it is very karaoke and Simon has seen a lot of bad karaoke. This wouldn’t even fly in, let’s say, Branson! Pig Boy’s Family and Friends have a sign that says "Thank you Scott. We love you Mom and Dad" Also there is a sign obscured but from what I make out it mentions "ScHOT Dogs"

By the way, I feel bad about that Paula comment. She does have a career and a very good one. As a matter of fact, she has a comeback album planned. I went to Paula’s website to check it out for you (no thanks necessary). This is what I found out:

Paula plans comeback album"According to an article at ContactMusic , Paula has decided to make a musical comeback with a new album of dance tracks. She wants to sing again - and she's enlisting the help of fellow Idol judge Randy Jackson, who will produce the project. He says, "We're working on some new music as we speak. It's gonna be hot. A little different, still kinda like a funky dance record. "We were sitting there one day and... we decided to try and do something. I think it's gonna be hot."

After a heaping helping of steamy ScHOT dogs, we make our way to Vonzell Solomon who will be bewitching us with her version of Whitney Houston’s "I Have Nothing," which I already knew! First Alert!!! This is the first time this season during the finals that we have heard a Whitney song. Just thought you would like to know. Vonzell tells us that she took karate in the 90’s. Okay? Okay. It pretty much sounds like you put in a Whitney CD. What can I say? It is certainly not a bad thing but also it just seems like it is easy to pull off…not that I have ever been able to pull off Whitney mind you. So my mind wonders a little. I first think that she has some nice hair going this evening. I then notice the earrings. Is it my imagination or have the earrings just been out of control all night! Anthony Federov included! What is the deal?! But they are very nice and they go. Vonzell’s Family and Friends still have the Vote Vonzell "Baby" Solomon signs. Vonzell has the nicest signs I have decided. Randy likes it. Paula says that she sang higher than Whitney does and almost said that she had the best performance of the evening until she catches Carrie’s death glare from side stage. Simon likes it too and tells her that she has come a long way. Kind of the reverse of a Jessica What’s-her-name.

The show ends, the numbers all seem to have been typed in to your TV screen correctly. Hope you called! The stage is lit this very bright white, almost like they are in heaven. How nice. Just how I remember the 90’s

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