Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Summer's here, grab the Shi'ice!

Hey! It's the first day of summer!! Nothing to celebrate really unless you awake with to the sound of roosters and keep the Farmer's Almanac on your nightstand. June 21st means nothing to the rest of us living in Central Easy Bake Oven as it has been summer-like for the past few weeks. No, unless you are like the hippie next door and grow your own "crops" it's all very pagan. I mean, why is it I have to actually lose an hour of sleep once a year? So we can fool the plants? It is already hard enough to manage my life without taking away an hour desperately needed for forwarding chain letters. The internet really is for porn you know. I know this for a fact because I read it in a blog somewhere. Porn and summer go together nicely. And there you have my segue into my topic of conversation this first day of Summer Solstice: Hydration...or something like that. It really is important for everyone to stay hydrated out there especially since I am convinced that the sun is actually getting closer to us every freakin' day! So it is with great disheartening that I flip on the local news and see this story on contaminated ice in fast food locations. Yeah, I said ICE. You know, that stuff floating in your drink. I crave it! I am a connoisseur of ice. My favorite is Sonic's because they have chipped ice; the kind that looks like little pellets and is so soft that it chews instead of crunches. Awww, y'all know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the last thing you think about when you think of E. Coli is the ice keeping your drink cool but yet there it is, an expose on this new concern complete with reported incidents of illness and everything. Fecal matter has now been found in the ice they serve at Fast Food joints. Shitty ice...nice. Let's just call it shi'ice. On the upside, you can get a BM at BK. I'm so afraid to order ice with my drink now! People will swear I'm British. Sigh...this is why I never watch the local news. It did to ice what the Macarena has done to weddings.

Speaking of leaky bottoms, I just saw a disturbing commercial for this new monstrosity from Taco Bell called the Crunchwrap Supreme. Mmmmmm.
What the hell is it...exactly? ...
I have so many questions. First of all, I don't darken Taco Bell's doorstep much for the simple fact that when I was a kid and I had mono (yes, from kissing many many girls) and during that time, I was really into cheap ass mexican puke food and since then...well, you know how it goes. But really, I have never been able to figure out the menu at this place, it's like taking a math test - but not as hard as ordering at Tropigrill. Once you make it through the maze set up in front of the store, it all just looks the same to me. "Let's see, give me something with beans, cheese, unidentifiable meat, rice...tortilla....God! That's everything! Great, now I have to start all over again. Okay, give me something runny....Gaaah! Drat!"
Also, I'm a fascist and I really don't patronize an establishment that serves Pepsi products. I take it one step further because even at places that do serve Coke, I drink water. Ha! I'm an ass! One last thing about the Crunchwrap Supreme, am I to believe that the near perfect symmetry of the "coin purse" fold in that tortilla is the craftmanship of some Taco Bell artisan? My friends, I get the feeling this thing comes straight from a wrapper, that came in a box, that came on a truck, that came from a warehouse, that came from Kentucky, that came from Jesus.
I'm sorry, I'm so grossed out by the picture of the sandwich "tearing" open that they have posted on their website. It appears to resemble a vagina or a slightly toasted Pac Man with bad teeth, or both (pardon my analogy). I'm just not manly enough to find that appetizing. Sorry.
Still speaking of leaky boats, I came across this little blast from the past while spell checking the word Diarrhea. Isn't that a funny word? Diarrhea. I hope you enjoy this little skip across the mental playground of my Kindergarten years. The last three lines are new. I found them on the internet as well. The internet is good for porn and diarrhea lyrics!
When you're climbing up the ladder And you hear something splatter - Diarrhea!
When you're walking down the hall And you feel something fall - Diarrhea!
When you're sliding into first and you feel your stomach burst - Diarrhea!
When you're pants are full of foam and you're heading into home - Diarrhea!
When something feels amiss, and your ass begins to piss - Diarrhea!
When you're watching I Love Lucy and your shorts feel kinda juicy - Diarrhea!
When you're playing hide-and-go-seek, and liquid shit explodes in a joyous cone-shaped spray from your unwilling sphincter - Diarrhea!
Hideous Idea Alert! The perplexing world of fast food. So many choices. Like all things American we've totally made it plastic and ultra easy to get. Classic example is the corporate monopoly Yum! Brand foods has on five of the US of A's most beloved franchises. As if it wasn't easy enough to bump into one of these already, now you can have TWO in ONE! Though, it's a crap shoot which of the big Yum! Brands restaurants you will find near your cellblock. Roll the dice and you could get lucky enough to find a Long John Silvers and an A&W together. Nothing like fish and onion rings! For that, Yum! Brands are geniuses. For the smell of tacos and pizza together however, I'll need a Breathe Right and a couple of Biore strips. What is up with their store planning team? How on earth do they decide which city gets KFC and LJS and which city gets Pizza Hut and A&W? Is there a vote? Draw names out of a frosty mug? What!

Yum! Brands Foods slogan is (and I kid you not): Alone were delicious...together we're yum! EEEEEK!!!!! Very gestalt but not quite doin' it for me. It's like saying alone we're socially disfunctional but together we're Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen!

Oooooh! May I help y'all? It's a Baja Blast, you'll love it...or die!

I love LJS. I shouldn't for so many reasons, especially if you have just read all of the above. It is fast, greasy and really really not good for you. Not even the healthy salads they serve. Those are just an attempt to keep the nutrition police at bay. No, LJS is simply crack served with coleslaw and hushpuppies. Which in turn are OxyContin dipped in batter. I LOVE IT!!! I would eat there every day if I could but typically you can't find one and if you do, the beauty of it all is cheapened by the Taco Bell or Pizza Hut or whatever is sharing the counter. I remember the days when you would up to their plank walkway, grab the giant sword door handle and then breathe in the cool greasy air as you make your way down the long hallway (what was up with that) before you got to the queue. You could peer through the slats into the dining room at all the other lucky kids who already had their meal and "toy" from the treasure chest. I loved the treasure chest but haven't seen one in years although the name lives on in the guise of their Treasure Chest Family Meals. Check out this bounty!
TREASURE CHEST FAMILY MEALS→ 8 Batter-dipped Fish→ 10 Batter-dipped Shrimp→ 2 family sides OR → 8 Batter-dipped Fish and 2 family sides→ 10 Batter-dipped Chicken Planks and 2 family sides→ 4 Batter-dipped Fish and 5 Batter-dipped Chicken Planks and 2 family sides→ 12 Batter-dipped Fish and 2 family sides→ 15 Batter-dipped Chicken and 2 family sides→ 6 Batter-dipped Fish and 7 Batter-dipped Chicken and 2 family sides YES!

My favorite food substance in the world comes from Long John Silvers. It is the strange crunchy riff raff that you find hidden under your fish and chicken. Not on the menu but frequently called "crumbs" by all who worship them. Being an art student in college I had no money to spare and these things became one of the four basic food groups to me. Little known fact is that they are essentially free of charge. Nothing but fried greasy batter, I think the fact that they don't change the grease tanks makes a better vintage.
Put down the chicken Blanche!
One of the last Yum! Brands locations to talk about is KFC. Poor Kentucy Fried Chicken has had such an identity crisis over the years. First the Colonel dies, then they shorten their name to KFC because it is oh-so hip. Then, thinking that they are just in touch with today's youth, decide to resurrect the Colonel from the dead, animate him...and make him rap! Fuck yes!

Sadly the Colonel dies twice as they ditch the rappin' Colonel and fire the poor bloke who came up with the idea (he is now writing Fanta commercials). I have a deep love for the deliciousness of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Processed or not, I love their creamy potatoes and gravy. I think their napkins are way to flimsy and small but that is where the lemony hand wipes come in. It was always such a treat to go to Kentucy Fried Chicken with the family on an outing. Now KFC faces its latest embattlement: That of the Supreme Bea's calling to boycott the KFC for the treatment of chickens. Ethical treatment of chickens? "You may have heard of KFC’s ‘secret recipe,’ but you probably have no idea what it involves. The main ingredient is cruelty." Bea says in the new PETA ad campaign. Ouch! Make up your own minds. On one hand I love the delicious extra crispiness of it all and on the other, well....if I really thought about the treatment of anything that I buy from one of these places, I'd starve. There is no way that I support the searing off of chicken's beaks or dipping them in scalding water while they're alive or whatever they are doing over there. I'm not a follower or anything but I'll do whatever Beatrice tells me to. But I wouldn't hate you if you slipped me a gizzard.
Behold the nectar of the Gods! (with sausage)

Sorry that this has turned into a post about food trash culture, it really didn't start out that way but as such, no post would be complete with out the clown with the red fright wig representin'! McDonald's McGriddle with sausage (there are no others in my eyes) is the BEST breakfast...no make that anytime sandwich ever!!! Trust me I was a hater when I first saw it. Syrup soaked pancakes serving as the ass cheeks for all the shit in the middle. Come on! But I grew to love it as I tried one on a dare. Just as frightening looking and sounding as the Crunwrap Supreme but so over the top gross that it is good. The folks over at X-Entertainment have a nail-on-the-head article on the McGriddle here. Indulgent yes, a too-lazy way to eat breakfast yes, what makes America great...hell yes!
Sorry about the vagina comment earlier. Vaginas are great.


crit said...

Laughing my ass off right this minute!!!

GreenLitLindy said...


Uhm...BetaMike, listen...if you are going to do a post 'bout all the things that Lindy hates, then please, please give me a 'greenlight' to pass it up...or skip to the crumb'y parts of this delicious post.

Too good...as good as the good Col would have you eat!


betamike said...

Seeking approval. denied. granted! Lindy, surely you loves you some LJS. Thank you :)

TripAway2Day said...

I prefer my OxyContin crushed and snorted...not batter-fried.

That being said, I've had the CrunchMelt or whatever it's called at TB, and it t'ain't that bad.

But, the "Why I Love Life" Award goes to the McGriddle...WITH BACON!

It's like "Lucerne" without the "c." said...

(skipped over here via Mr. Lindberg...)

Love your blog -- and have realized that my Taco Bell obsession is a guilty pleasure that is only shared by a brave few. You can see me ducking furtively through the drive-through every so often.

I have to give props to the McDonald's McGriddle and the BK Chicken sandwich. Yeah, the one that doesn't really taste like chicken and is made of something unidentifiable and fried.

Sometimes you just crave good ol' American cooking like that. You can make it up in tabbouleh later.

So, stranger, just wanted to leave a random comment here. Cheers!

betamike said...

Thanks for the comments/feedback. I have always assumed I am just about the only one running away from the border. Alas if I can love a freakin' McGriddle, I imagine I can choke down a Crunchwrap. I agree that you can eat all you want of good ol' greasy Americana if you later purge your body with a little curry (I'M LOVIN' IT LATELY!) or possibly some hummus...hmmm, I can feel another food post coming on!

crit said...

For the record... I love me some Arby's (and Chick-fil-a, of course)!