Orlando's Biggest Attraction - The Flat Tire

Tonight I arrive home from work at 6:45 pm, a modest twenty miles in distance. I left work at 5:00 pm.

It appears some old guy driving a Olds Cutlass had a flat tire on I-4. Traffic was backed up so far that I made it through the entire audio book for the Passion of the Christ (in Aramaic!). For those of you not familiar with the area, I-4 is the ONLY thoroughfare through the great hoary metropolis that is Orlando...unless you live in the boonies then there are at least eight different ways for you to get around. Countless Orlandoeans heave at the idea that their city is the latch key kid of the Theme Park industry and bemoan how they never go out "there" because of all the tourist and the traffic that they cause. And yet traverse some part of the outer reaches of Orlando-proper where nary a tourist is to be found and lo and behold those same self righteous anti-tourist cyclops' are stopped gawking at Aunt Fanny and her broken down Pinto, Orlando's true tourist attraction.

What's sad is that I work in the tourist industry and have less trouble getting to work than coming from it. The problem arises when you try to fight for lane space next to Britney's mom who drives an SUV larger than she needs for her one child and two La Perla bags. And what is up with the soccer sticker on vehicles...they're everywhere! So much so I am afraid that it is a cult silently taking over our streets. They will attack when we least expect it!...Where are all the racquetball stickers? Senseless lane shifts, people who have not yet learned the concept of "merging", absence of any form efficient public transportation system...Orlando has it all! Whether it's simply denial or defiance to the fact that Orlando is growing and it's not their fault, Civic leaders and town elders have staved off any hope of traffic easement to meet the overwhelming migration of most of New Jersey. Another Interstate or Freeway? Nooo, just add two lanes to the existing Hot Wheels track you already have, that should be sufficient for the next ten years! Alternate forms of transportation? Well, I guess the Light Rail concept is just too freaky for people who drive Crown Vics and still give out penny candies.

I love my career and I love Orlando (or at least the part of it downtown where I live) but in general it's grown bulbous and shaggy much like a guy deeply in need of some manscaping. You know...down there. Without proper growth and planning the headwaters are going to back up and the river will reverse upon itself and there you and I will be waiting for hours to get on the road that leads to the sidestreet that goes to the onramp that turns into the interstate that stops at the stalled Lancer on the other side of the road, six lanes away.

If you want to see the real "E" Ticket stuff folks, bypass what's going on down on "West" I-4 and check out what the real tourists can't get enough of...tow trucks, fender benders and car-b-ques!!