Welcome to the show that would end another dream! That’s a line I would be proud to have come up with, but credit for that nugget of truth comes from our pal Seacrest or one of his various groomer/writer/waiters. But it is not all bad news, we get to hear Fantasia sing live in a few.
Last night was Show Tunes theme night for those of you that missed it or tuned out completely. Whoa is the Idol who falls under the axe tonight as this was the night that no one looked forward to. Of all the themes, this one is the worst to lose it on. All last night we heard how hard it is to portray these songs and how the kids feel that it really isn’t "their thing." Don’t forget half of the contestants have never ventured anywhere near the local playhouse to see a matinee of Pippin. Personally I feel that Show Tunes night is one of my favorites. The reason I was bored to tears with last night’s performance wasn’t the genre itself, it was the selection and the delivery. Most treated it like a death sentence this year. Where was last year’s "Summertime" or why couldn’t someone have done something from "Rent" or "Beauty and the Beast" everyone looooves to sing Disney! For the kids to just throw their hands up and say "whatever!" is just plain lazy. But then again, kids is kids.
I must point out two signs in the House of Yes that say "Mama loves Simon" and "If Idols were flowers, I’d pick Carrie." What if Carrie were a rare and endangered wild flower protected by the state? Did you ever think about that? Oklahoma has laws about that you know. Why don’t you go pick some rag weed like Constantine.
Seacrest looks nice tonight, seafoam and gray are good colors for him. We the viewing audience have outdone ourselves this year. Last night was the highest non finale vote ever with 32.8 million people tying up Singular and frustrating thousands trying to order pizza last night. An even more outrageous number of (people?) were online jamming up the message boards apparently as the show was in real time. By the time I got there to survey the damage, they were 60 journal entries into the "Constantine is the new Greek God" thread. Sickos I tell ‘ya.
Did you all vote for your favorite Red Cross Relief song? You had forgotten all about that didn’t you? Well, it doesn’t matter because they went ahead and picked a song. The CD single will be "When You Tell Me That You Love Me." Does anyone remember this one? I must have been in a foggy haze when this was dished out. Lest you think this wasn’t totally a marketing ploy, the other two songs will also be released (everyone) "Big Surprise!" So simply everybody wins!!!!! <--- (excitement additive)
Go fetch this beauty April 19th! Oh, and hear it again next week.
For your enjoyment 19 Entertainment revs up the PR machine for us and out comes Fantasia! (do an open-handed swipe across your face when you say "Fantasia!", it gives it drama). Coke gets their money’s worth from the all seeing video eye as it parts like the red sea for last year’s A.I. winner. Half of the screen reads "Fant" and the other side reads "Asia," which I find funny the further the two sides move from each other. I can hardly tell it is her due to the light directly in the view of the camera. All I see are two legs and an enormous white light, which is also kind of funny. Fantasia is singing something from her new album. I don’t catch the name but that is okay. Really. Seacrest tells us that Fantasia has sold over one million copies of her album. That’s Platinum, I looked it up!
Whoooo Boy, where do I start. First of all, I am thinking that the crane they hired to help hoist her into those pants is free to rent. Secondly, once you win American Idol, you can either write a song with incomplete lyrics or better yet, just let the backup singers finish said lyrics if you don’t feel like doing so yourself. One thing you have to give Fantasia credit for is fulfilling contractual obligations. I know that she had better things to do than to show up tonight and give the sound mixers cause to drink, but there she was none the less. Watching Miss Barrino (if your nasty) made me feel nostalgic for the way she was able to dramatize all of her songs last year. Did you see the range tonight? There was mad face Fantasia and angry face Fantasia. There was even out of breath Fantasia. Girl was all over the place. I give her an A+ for energy and excitement. In fact, she was so excited to be singing in her old stomping ground (and I do mean stomping) it almost seemed as though she was screaming at me. When is this chick going to get voted off?
As is the tradition on American Idol, the cool senior is back to dispense wisdom to the freshman class. Hold on to your hats for this one folks. Fantasia tells the kids not to worry. If this isn’t their night or even competition it is okay, everyone from her season got record deal. Everyone? Even Matt Rogers? What frat house can I visit to listen to his stuff? The best advice though came twice so I hoped they listened. "Come out here and act ugly y’all." Um, thanks Fantasia. Seacrest mistakenly places his trust in Fantasia’s adlib skills as he allows her to outro into the commercial. "We’ll be back after this commercial…after the next break…and all that other good stuff." When is this chick getting voted off?
Ruben Studdard and Kimberly Caldwell are in the House of Yes!!! I’m thinking Ruben ate her because there is no visual affirmation that Kim is even there. They are also gracing us for cross promotional possibilities (we call it Synergy, no?) as they will be on that great new Fox show that all the cool kids are talking about. Have you heard about this one yet? It is called Life on a Stick!!! <--- (diet excitement additive)
This week of American Idol is a flat out letdown and my writing shows for it I know. To make matters worse, the Fauxmmercial is actually good. As good as a Ford (product placement) commercial can be I guess. Back on the streets of Idoltown, someone drops Nadia off at the Club that she owns, manages and sometimes makes appearances in (they give me only so much…I make up the rest alright?). We view a close up of the beautiful Nadia and then suddenly…BOOM! Anwar’s America-melting Muppet face is where Nadia’s used to be. The producers are having fun with their cut-aways and editing in this one. Anwar is on his way to the farmer’s market to buy and possibly sample some delicious fruit; perhaps a mango, most likely a passion fruit. Cut away to Antony Federov who is obviously going nowhere. Next is Vonzel "baby" Solomon. Vonzell just finished shopping and sure is happy about the Capris that she just purchased. They were on sale two for one! Honest! We next fade into Constantine Maroulis who slinks towards us one shoulder in front of the other. Constantine just knocked over a 7-Eleven and wants to share his Big Gulp and Camels with you. Deep inside this outcast there is a heart of gold. We leave "that section" of town and find Carrie moving briskly down the busy sidewalks of Idolville to her job as Editor in Chief of "Country Angels" magazine. Such a career affords her time to do charity work like teaching the homeless of Idolville to finger paint. She also sits on the Board of Directors for the Oklahoma Department of ‘Taters. Oh my God it’s puppet BoBice! No, it’s the real BoBice! riding around in (product placement) on his way to Nadia’s club where he has a gig. We next see Pig Boy. Pig Boy is a mime in Idolville. Not a very good one either as he actually sings and wears garish b-boy clothes. No one really pays attention to mimes much in Idolville anyway. Pig Boy fades into Nikko Smith who is on his way to the bus terminal (just a hunch). Before we know it, the commercial ends. A very short fake commercial sung to "Everybody Got Their Something" which I have never heard before. I don’t get out of Idolville much.
We are ready to do some cutting. This is certainly a black tie optional affair as many of the kids are dressed down. Nikko for instance has only a t-shirt that says "king" on the front and a pair of jeans. This is the same shirt he wore under his grafitti jacket several weeks ago. Bo looks frightening in a ratty t-shirt and faded jeans, and we are not talking $150 made-to-look-this-way faded jeans either.
First up is Nikko Smith who is clearly not the best vocalist on the show but didn’t do as bad as A. Fed or Pig Boy last night. !!!!! Seacrest pulls a fast one and sends Nikko to the bottom three. Our first casualty of the evening.
Vonzell "baby" Solomon is also in the bottom three!!!!! They are not giving me hope for the much needed and anticipated Pig Boy/A. Fed combo that I was predicting today.
This is uncanny! I don’t think I have ever seen the Producers place two of the bottom three so close together before.
Up next is one of my "sure things" for the bottom three, Pig Boy Scott Savol. I find myself wondering if there were only one more spot to fill, who would I rather throw in…him or A. Fed. I’m thinking A. Fed did a worse job plus he is sitting in the bottom row, a prime elimination spot on the couch.
Zing! It’s Pig Boy! Three in a row! Wow! I really did not see that one coming. Well, I kind of saw part of that coming but in such a fast fashion? Goes to show you, Pig Boy did go first last night and so far that has been the cardinal rule on this show.
We ask Bo what he thinks of all this. Bo is seriously slacking in his day off clothes. He has been nervous the whole day thinking he would be eliminated because of his performance last night. In his words, last night was "not his gendre" (that’s not a typo).
Pointing out the white elephant in the room, Seacrest asks A. Fed if he felt bad about not being in the bottom three. He felt that his performance was hideous and not his best work but he does give props to his fans who "stuck through me" (again, not making this up. I love it when they are candid).
Randy thinks America is confused because two of the people who are up there were clearly outstanding last night. It is noted that he is not looking at Pig Boy. Paula is asked who she is most surprised is up there. Paula answers her native martian tounge. She feels that it doesn’t matter who wins, they are all deserving of a recording contract. Well, according to Fantasia! (once more with the hand everyone) that is like, the going away prize from this show anyway. Simon thinks that this is still a fair competition and disagrees with Paula. You have to win this competition.
Seacrest wants to put someone out of their misery and sends Vonzell "baby" Solomon back to the couches. Cheers from the House of Yes and glossy Kinko’s signs are waved in Vonzell’s direction.
Meanwhile, back in the center of the stage, we put Nikko on the spot by asking him what happened last night. Nikko feels that he was out of his element last night and feels blessed just to be here right now. Out of his element? Hey Nikko, you still made it sound like R&B anyway…where’s the stretch? I appreciate his sentiment but feel a little robbed that Mario wasn’t thanked for his involvement in getting him to this spot in the show.
Seacrest asks the obvious of Pig Boy. Do you expect to go home tonight? Something I didn’t expect, Pig Boy reveals to us the inscription on the dog tag necklace that Paula gave all the kidlets. Brace your imperfections because none of us will be perfect. Paula wrote that on his necklace? All my crummy Paula necklace has on it is "One step forward, two steps back." Sheesh!
The eyes of Little Debbie were shining on our good friend Scott Savol tonight as he is sent back to the couches and later, to the Coke room to film next week’s theme announcement. The journey ends however just as abruptly as it began for Nikko Smith. I always think about how they must feel singing the song that got them eliminated, especially a song that was not their particular genre of music. Those questions will probably go unanswered for me. Before we say goodbye to Nikko and hear him sing once more, we get to view his (should be) short video journey. In his video Nikko tells us he dreams of being able to give the world something they’ve never heard before. Yeah, heard that one before.