Tuesday, April 12, 2005

American Idol Recap 04/12/05 - They're Cute...When They're Little

They're Cute...When They're Little

Did you catch the Fox Tonight ad right before the show? You know the ones where they have the new Fox stars stand in front of a wind machine and look all serious and threatening. "You frickin’ better watch my show GD!!!!" They had the kidlets promo their own show. All eight of them were there. ‘Tine got the best use of the wind machine. He was like something out of a Revlon commercial. I’m totally seduced, throw me a pack of camels.

Just as ominous are the CGIdols that start the show. I love these faceless boys and girls. They both walk so prissy. I really don’t think it’s their fault. I think that they don’t pay the graphics company enough to animate them correctly, there is just something not right about the opening as it hasn’t changed much since the first season; just like the show itself! The CGIdol does stop on the Fantasia floor this year (it was under construction last season) so that should be enough change for us this time around, but it isn’t.

Also still the same, Seacrest’s stinking intro. Look! He’s on stage and now all of a sudden he’s behind the video screen. I’m annoyed lately with the Madlibs style of the show. Albeit sometimes they get it right and add a really strange adjective or adverb, but mostly it’s: ___________(noun) is ________-ing (verb) "__________"(song name) tonight because it was the first ___________(noun) they heard and will show their ____________(noun). "It was ____________(adjective) for me. It started a little _________(adjective), but you did your __________(noun slang)." But it’s the (slang) that I tune in for each week…and to see what Pig Boy will wear!

Seacrest reminds us that Nikko is back in St. Louis living under the shadow of the Arch (and his dad apparently), according to his teleprompter, it was a shocking result. Honestly ‘Crest, I didn’t even remember. "Are you outraged?" The House of Yes says Yes!!! "Was it a disaster?" More like the House of Hell Yes!!! Man, if everyone in the audience tonight had voted last week…best not to think about that. Hey! The Judges. They made it back this week. Paula looks like a shiny rainbow colored bumble bee! Simon is throwing some color our way. I like the way he sticks with the solids, he simply must shop at Express. Same boring Randy. Dawg’s gotta get some new specs. With the exception of Paula, do these people make any money to spend on nasty clothes? When you’re a judge on A.I. you gotta look nasty!

Where be my Theme?! Who got my Theme?! Flashback to the fake Coke room as we all know it has been dismantled to make way for "Life on a Stick" sets. Kidlets just chillin’ in the Diet Lemon loveliness of it all. Hey, where’s Nikko? Seacrest holds large white papers like a timid school girl and Anwar wants a peek! First clue is a picture of a hideous baby. Oh, it’s Constantine at age two. Another baby, the real Vonzell baby "V" Solomon. Someone say’s "Nursery Rhymes!" but are shot down quickly. Noooooo, not nursery rhymes. But how awesome would that have been? Come on! Can’t you hear Pig Boy singing "Georgie Porgy, Pudding and Pie" and "Mary Mary Quite Contrary" by Anwar Robinson. Who wouldn’t want to see Constantine go off the beaten path with "Wee Willie Winkie" and I’m sure BoBice! could put the rock in "Rock-a-bye Baby." It’s genius. I’m sure that’s why the Producers instead decide to go with "Songs From The Year You Were Born." They’re idiots. But this also could be righteous as it has the Eighties written all over it!

Nadia Turner goes first tonight (R.I.P. Nadia) singing "When I Dream" by Mac Davis. You’ve got to be kidding me Nadia. A song from the guy who starred in "Dukes of Hazzard: Hazzard in Hollywood"? Yep, the same one. He also hosted the 8th Annual American Music Awards in 1981. That’s how long ago it has been since he was famous. I am not sure this will do wonders for him either. She sounds impeccable of course and really knows how to work the camera. She gives us all the "S’s" that she can throw our way: Smoky, Sultry, Sexy, Sassy, Slinky…Skinny? I am perplexed by the outfit, red is her color for sure and I think she was going for a negligee look but all I can think about is Little Orphan Annie. Look at that short red dress with that mass of hair! "I want to see those floors shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!" We love you Miss Hannigan! I am sure that the fishing lure earrings work on some level but again, I am bouncing between realms of understanding on the whole thing. Either way, she could pull off burlap if she wanted to. Randy oblivious to ever working with Mac Davis knows nothing of the song but is bold enough to say that he didn’t like the song. Okaaay. Paula fakes her way around comments by telling Little Orphan Nadia that she loves watching just to see what she will be wearing. I’d say the same about you too Pauler. Pauler is not crazy about the song either. Was no one here a fan of Eighties new country? Crystal Gayle…Juice Newton anyone?! Simon calls Nadia’s performance musical wallpaper, no one ever notices or remembers the wallpaper. Excuse me, but to twist a quote from Simon, in a world of wall paper, Nadia is exposed brick! And peeps remember exposed brick because it is so cool! Simon is appalled by the song choice. And we all know that it is about the familiarity of the song and not the performance right? If Clay had used that mentality two seasons ago, we wouldn’t have "Solitaire." Still, another falls to the curse of performing first. Hopefully not Nads farewell song but I’m not sure that I would have chosen Mac Davis knowing past trends with this predictable show.

Commercial break. Didn’t notice a lot of the commercials tonight but the Olive Garden commercial stood out. It features their cook Mary preparing some new Garlic Chicken dish I can’t remember the name of. It works like this: Pasta, breast of chicken on top, then maybe some shrimp thrown in. Cover in some pink cheese sauce and top it off with yet another artery clogging white-colored garlic liquid. Abbondanza! The next commercial is for Fructis. Using Fructis makes your hair really strong, like, Teflon strong. I like the commercial mostly for the "Woo Woo" song that I can’t get out of my head.

We are subjected tonight to constant noodlers like matching the baby with the performer. Can you guess the next baby who will be performing tonight? Well there are two and one is male and African American, I’m guessing Anwar. The other I have no clue but tell my close relative that it is a cute baby. I’m told that it is BoBice! I feel regrets. Bo tells us that his grandma thought he looked like Humphrey Bogart when he was born. Ever since she would call him Bogart, but he shortened it to Bo. Tonight, Bo will be singing "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd…Oh my freakin’ God!!!! He isn’t!!!! Noooo!!!!! They have managed somehow to put freakin’ "Free Bird" into American Idol. Okay, signs of the Apocolypse. Let’s review:
1. The McGriddle
2. Those Scrubbing Bubbles brand Fresh Brush Toilet Brushes (how lazy are you?!)
3. Dukes of Hazzard movie
4. William Hung album (and website! www.williamhung.net )
5. "Free Bird" on American Idol

The performance continues without a hint of irony, and might I remind you, not a lighter blazin’ in the entire House of Yes. No one yelling "Free Bird" as far as I can tell. I’m still disturbed by this. I mean, it has to be one of the most legendary songs (don’t know why) to sing at a concert. I hear it screamed at every show I go to from Bright Eyes (where you should know better) to Nine Inch Nails (where you should really know better), but never in my wildest dreams American Idol. What did you expect from Bo anyway. If I hear "Stairway to Heaven" next week, I’m outtie. He is his usual self vocally, can’t tell if that is good or bad this week. I can tell you that this song does not rock, or at least tonight it does not rock. You think you could really do something with it you know? Bo is outfitted in layers tonight. Black jeans with a black shirt unbuttoned so far with a Crème colored duster of sorts. Bo’s family and friends are a strange lot: a marine and the guy from "Just Shoot Me" who played the nerdy janitor. Randy gives this decrepit old rock gem a dusting off by telling Bo that he could make it a hit again. Pauler is hilarious. She says "See you at the finals Bo, see you at the finals." I’m telling you, she cracks me up. Simon in his true blue says that half of the audience at home watching tonight will go what the hell was that! If you run across the stage with a mic stand (oh, I forgot to tell you he did a lot of that) and sing a sacred song like that you won’t get many votes. Simon cracks me. There is a lady with ham arms holding two simple glittery signs that say "B" and "O." The lady with ham arms cracks me up too. I can’t help but noticing Bo’s missing tooth.

Up next is Muppet faced Anwar Robinson with "I’ll Never Love This Way Again" by Dione Warwick (thank you Susan for my education on Dione!) Will Anwar’s female impersonation tonight gain him accolades? Only a psychic friend can tell! Anwar tells us in his video that he was super shy as a child but once he joined the chorus he just couldn’t shut up. Anwar makes me giggle. He starts out like Kermit singing "It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Green" all alone on a stool in the center of the stage. Very moody. He has a very moody deep purple (or brown) velvet jacket to match. Underneath are more layers. Layers…Ah! Tonight’s first running theme! His paisley shirt is also unbuttoned thusly to expose much of his chest. I am not sure paisley is back in, I will have to check. He finishes his performance safely without any human casualties. Randy observes that he is technically the best singer in the competition. Again my close relative and I again dispute the meaning of "technically." Pauler just loves the openness of his voice, just great! Simon safely Madlibs that it is one of his _better_(adjective) performances. The music rises but in Academy Award style, Simon isn’t finished talking so the music backs down and Simon pulls out one of his famous quips. Anwar, you are the equivalent of a blanket, comforting and safe. I have always thought of Anwar as a blanket, all Downy fresh! Seacrest gets cozy with Anwar over by the stools but quickly backs away. The power of Anwar’s chest in a sight to behold and Seacrest must therefore comment about Anwar and visiting a gym. Seacrest quickly realized the dangers of adlibbing (a form of Madlibbing the Producers hate) and turns red in the face.

Look! John Mellencamp and a chimpanzee are in the audience!!! Wait, it’s really Daryl Hall and John Oates, I always get those four confused. Oates really needs his mustache back. It really is more disturbing than Tom Selleck with out one. Seacrest lets us in on a secret…we will be hearing one of their songs tonight! But first we get to hear a song they wrote. "Everytime You Go Away" by Paul Young will be sung by Anthony Federov. My close relative loves this song and was just giddy with excitement about the prospect of hearing this performed live. I was also reminded that he saw Paul Young in concert back when. I am not sure that this will be the same experience but I am all about support my friends…I’m a giver! A. Fed looks ________(adjective) in his Village People leather hat he is wearing in his video. A. Fed tells us he used to kick it back in the day hanging out by the Black Sea. Well, that is something. We see A. Fed BoFlexing it on the side of the stage. The layers are again working the room tonight, he has no less than four layers on. So far the performance is great. Here’s where I have a problem though. I know that A. Fed is a good singer but his track record isn’t. Just because you choose an easy song to sing that will make you sound great what is the big deal. Don’t mistake a good performance with a great song sung okay. Who could mess this song up really? I’m being a little too hard. My close relative tells me that it is actually comparable to the original version. I suppose other than being completely consumed by cynicism like Darth to the Dark Side, I find no real hope for A. Fed to shine tonight as he is pretty much a lost cause. But then again, maybe this is the phoenix to rise from the ashes, Nads didn’t fare so well tonight you know. Randy says he did his thing. The magic bee says he did much better than last week. Simon rehashes the position that A. Fed was in last week and says that this week he did very good. Good choice of song. Exactly.

The next baby we have to guess is Little "V" Vonzell Solomon. She makes me gasp when she says she will be singing "Let’s Hear It For The Boys" by Deniece Williams. Ooooooh, I loved this song from Footloose when I was a baby picture. I also have fond memories from when Up With People sang it during the Half Time Show at the Super Bowl in 1984…good times. Vonzell mentions again in her video that she took martial arts when she was a little girl. We get it okay?! Wax on, Wax off already! I’ll spare you most of the performance details but it really does fall short of the original to me, no more special than it could be. I will give you details on her outfit however. Vonzell is wearing a flattened disco ball with a jeans skirt (they still exist!!!). Did I mention that this jeans skirt has had someone run it through the BeDazzler? No? It’s true! Oh, she also has on gold high heels!! Righteous! I really haven’t jumped on the Vonzell bandwagon yet. I agree that she is better than that other blonde girl, Plant City, but what else has Vonzell given us besides a reason to stand next to her during an impromptu rumble in China Town? Lots of Vonzell signs tonight, too many to really read or make mention of. One does say "Vonzell America’s Choice choice choice" Really. Randy tells her that it’s another great performance. Pauler and her bionic ear detects that Vonzell sang an octave higher than Deniece…as if it makes it any better. Vonzell vacantly replies "uh huh, I did!" Weren’t most of these kids novices when they auditioned? She also mentions how Vonzell is such a bright light. In actuality, the stage hands had just lowered one of the head engulfing stage lights just behind Vonzell’s head as we are so accustomed to lately. Pauler doesn’t notice. Simon makes some ridiculous comment that the tables are turned now and he can see Vonzell staying and Nads going home. Vonzell is certainly a puppet of whoever runs the A.I. voting machine. I mean, she has had her share of appearances in the bottom three but now the Puppet Master is trying to jerk her up on a pedestal. I’m not seeing it and the puppet is showing signs weakness too. Vonzell appears all nervous and jittery as she pleads to the House of Yes and the rest of us to "Please vote for me!" Ohmigosh…I don’t think so, and if you do I’ll kill ‘ya! Baby "V" cannot be my American Idol!

Hilarity ensues next as the Producers again mess with our heads and start playing Pig Boy Scott Savol’s video but realize Seacrest is still talking and stop and replay it making Pig Boy sound as if he is stupid and likes to repeat things. Which is funny because Monday’s show is taped and edited so you’d think they could take care of such carelessness. In his video we see two baby pictures of Pig Boy Scott Savol. The first looks like the famous Enquirer Alien and the second has his pie hole gaping wide open…I swear! Pig Boy is funny. Tonight Pig Boy will be singing "She’s Gone" by Hall and Oates. Drat! I saw that one coming, I wish it would have been a surprise. Damn you Seacrest!!!! Say, what does it take to get a seat in the House of Yes. If your Hall and Oates do you trade royalties on your song for a chance to hear it sung badly? We’ll see! Scott tells us that he hears all this talk of "rockers" and he is the real rocker. (oooh boy, this ought to be good) When he was a kid he used to rock out on anything…toy guitar, beating on pots, pans, his girlfriend….Let’s see. The proof is in the pudding. All this talk of pudding…
Pig Boy does alright in the higher registers on this song. He blows it on the low parts. I really do like watching A.I. each week to see what Pig Boy will do and say and wear, I think he has a freakishly good voice and I certainly won’t hold that against him. What I don’t get though is the piece of the puzzle that is missing, the one I can’t quite put my finger on. What is it that is so gosh darn intoxicating/repulsive about him? Scotts, grooming is getting a little sloppy. The mustache is confirmed to be absent from his face but the manscaping underneath the chin is still intact. He is dressed in the layered style of the night with a burnt orange (gross) shirt underneath a jeans shirt (they too still exist!) and jeans…pants (that is really weird to say). Come on Scott, even in hip hop you don’t put jeans on jeans. Hall and Oates seem to like it but of course they would seem that way. I cannot take my eyes off Oates hairless lip! Again, Pig Boy doesn’t butcher the song in any way and fits him pretty well, I am glad he didn’t pick an R&B song from the year of his birth. All of a sudden Pig Boy starts hopping from one foot to another, bouncing around like a mosher. Go Pig Boy!! Feel it!!! I am not certain that we have just added another "rocker" to the group. Signs in the House of Yes, "scHOTty Dawg Pound" another play on putting the word "hot" in Pig Boy’s name, and a sign so filled with sexual innuendo with the words "Top Dog, Big Sexy and Woof" written on it. Randy says that he started rough but brought it home. Pauler says she gotta give it up to him, he did good. Simon hears more bad notes than good notes. Simon says he is just trying to keep it real. Pig Boy gets cocky and pipes up "defending" himself by saying "I’m up here and there’s millions of people out there who didn’t have the nerve to do this song!" Ummm, yeah. Ummm, Scotty, I don’t think you defended yourself as much as you may have just made millions of people at home feel a little inadequate. Nice work.

After the hoedown we just saw, it is time for the lovely Carrie Underwood singing "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benetar. I remember the video for this one where the girl runs away and joins a gang of runaway punk girls who all wear tattered skirts and big hair bows. I think this is the first video I ever saw. Oh, look at me, carrying on as if I was in a video intro. Carrie surprises me by starting the song out in the chorus. Ouch! The chorus to this song, people is "Ohohohohohohoh." The equivalent of starting an interpretive dance routine by jumping from a eight foot high wall. It just goes downhill from there. But this is our Carrie U. and she does a fine job bouncing back and taking control of the song. The Production guys crack me up. The background for Carrie is this crazy space warp, I think they were matching the background to the word battlefield. Ha! I think it would have been more hilarious if they had chosen a battle scene from Braveheart or Lord of the Rings. I love it when they try to be so literal with these things. Carrie is hot tonight, looks and performance. She has this country punk look going with a great textured cut to her hair. Whoa!!! The usual head-engulfing lights are replaced by a non-regulation strobe that probably sent half of American into a seizure. It was so disturbing I had to watch it again. The song ends and Carrie U. adds an extra "yeah" at the end. Randy says it had a very rock sound (see, she is supposed to only know country) and it had some pitchy notes. He points out that she messed up on some of the lyrics. She can be forgiven. Pauler thought she rocked Whooooooo!!!! Simon innuendos that she is like watching a kitten that wants to be a tiger. Rawr!!! There is a sign that says "Crazy for Carrie." There is the "Vonzell America’s Choice choice choice" sign again!

Last, but not the least disturbing is Constantine Maroulissssss who will be attempting the ever-so-tricky "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. I would go on and on about this but you and I both know that it is rather like microwaving an egg…it could get messy, and I’m all for watchin’! God, I sound like Simon. The sad thing is, his analogies sound better. I mean, this is a song that ‘tine was born to sing! Can I get a meow! This should be fun. Plus, there are only _________(number) ways you can mess this baby up! One false falsetto and you’re done! ‘Tine is wearing (surprise!) layers with is shirt (surprise!) waaaay unbuttoned. His eyes are in great form tonight as they follow me as I go to grab a beverage from the kitchen. The cheesy factor actually helps this version of the song I think as it doesn’t sound half bad. He is actually pulling it off and he knows it too. ‘Tine knowingly flicks his tongue out as camera 2 switches to camera 3. Oh, he’s good. The song ends without the highly anticipated "I see a little silhouette" part, maybe on his album, who knows. ‘Tine’s family are shockingly clean looking. It appears that they have just gotten out of church or something. Randy gives his showmanship a ten and his singing a seven. Why is it we always evaluate ‘tine on a sliding scale? Pauler is crazy. She feels that he is now the one to beat. Pauler, have you been reading the idolonfox message boards again? Simon smiles and says astonishing. There is a sign in the House of Yes that says "Kiss me Constantine." Not without my Crest White Strips.

Well that _________(verb) my _____________(adjective) A.I. recap for today. I will ____________(verb) you with another ___________(adjective) edition from tomorrow night's _______________(adjective) epidsode of American __________(noun).

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