Wednesday, May 18, 2005

American Idol Recap 05/18/05 - Wait A Minute Mr. Postman...

Oh yeaaaaah! It must be elimination night because The Head is dressed up in his finest Chess King duds. I’m excited folksies because tonight we trim the fat, we get rid of the excess garbage, we throw away the junk mail if you will. And I’m sure you will! We are told that tonight is filled with mixed emotions. I am glad to be warned as I am trying to cut back on mixed emotions and bulk up strictly on low-fat happy ones. I think I’m in for a treat tonight! Bo looks like an acid washed grunge fantasy from 1990. Carrie is no better. At least she is dressed in a classy black top, the dangling chains make her look like a chandelier though. Vonzell looks like a scaly fish complete with fish hook earrings. America, you are looking at the clothes that one of these Idols will be eliminated in. How about that! I’m the kind of OCD person though that thinks about strange stuff like that. I can’t help it. I would wonder about how my hair combed a certain way will increase my chances of staying on the show or what TV I watched that day will determine how my performance would be. I would also contemplate on choosing the best song but clearly that is not an issue with this group.

All season The Head has played his Jedi mind tricks on us the viewers and last night is no different. Jedi mind trick indeed, while we languished in our routine lives after last night’s show, the audience gets to go next door to see an advanced screening of Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith…and it’s daylight outside! So much for the Jedi mind trick leading us to believe that it is all live. What if the audience had already made other plans you ask? Not to worry, it just so happened that the audience was composed of mostly 30-plus year old single males with bumper stickers that say “My other car is a landspeeder,” so everything worked out great. When asked how the film was, Bo simply replied “Mraaaaawr!” in his best Wookie.

As promised last night, we get to see the carnage wrought on three separate towns as the Idols get to visit the places that sent them packin’!

Vonzell goes first (again). When she arrives in Ft. Myers she is immediately swept away to do radio and TV interviews. She then visits her old job at the Post Office where it appears there is not going to be any mail delivered as they have planned a giant welcome party for her. United States Postal Service, the official mail service of “The Vonz.” Next she gets her first taste of stardom as she faces hundreds of adoring fans at her CD signing at the nearest Wal-Mart!!! It is funny to see all the confused purple haired ladies there to buy Ensure pump their fists in the air caught up in the moment. “Whoop whoop Vonzie!” She then takes a cruise to Centennial Park where she has been called upon to impress over a thousand people. To complete her trip, the mayor presents her with keys to the city and then reads what song Simon has picked for to sing next week….wait a minute, this all smacks of Déjà vu. I’m getting a little woozy.

Back in real time, Vonzell sings “Chain of Fools” one more time for good measure. We get to see lots of Vonzell’s booty tonight as she is shot from an interesting angle as she sits on the edge of the Judges’ table and croons to Simon as if he has any sway over the proceedings. I’m sure that he is loving this. I’m sorry but I’m not any more wowed this time around than I was last night but you won’t get the official word on it because the judges are not allowed to speak tonight. If you will recall, Randy was all gaga over this song last night. Tonight it is left up to you to decide if this is the best vocalist ever. EVER!!! Or just a cha-cha-chain of fools. Ha! That was a cheap shot. I am forever sorry. Really I am. I could have come up with something better.

Back from the commercial break it is time for one last fauxmmercial! Oh, the pain! How will I live without the Ford parodies? This week the kids will destroy “One Way or Another” by Blondie. The gist is that the Paparazzi are following the Idols in their Ford convertible and to loose them they have duck into a mall because they will never be recognized there, right? Well at least not in the parking garage. While there, they jack some poor kid’s car who probably only had $14.50 left to his name and wasted it on the new Idols album. Way to go guys! It is okay though because he aided and abetted the Idols who make a clean getaway. Or would be unless Carrie didn’t have to rub it in and take a photo of the paparazzi with her disposable camera. Short sweet and to the point. If there was one.

On to Bo’s trip back to Helena, Alabama. Bo is met by to strange guys who dress like him, in a Star Wars twist one of them could say “Bo, I am your father!” Wouldn’t that be cool! It turns out they are from Lynyrd Skynyrd who Bo must surely have idolized growing up although he sort of has to stare for a while before he recognizes them. There is a weird edit where all of a sudden he is like “Oh yeah, hey guys!” Yeah Bo, they look a little different now than they do on your “Nuthin’ Fancy” album cover. The room is abuzz with shaggy poorly groomed men. Hope there was Renuzit handy. Bo gets the Wal-Mart treatment for his CD signing albeit an ooooold style Wal-Mart. You know, the one where you can see over the aisles all the way back to the Fabric Department. Man that was the best place to hide your Star Wars figures until you had enough money to come back and get them. There is a little girl there who asks Bo if he will cut his hair. Ha! He of course says no and has her arrested. Back at City Hall, Bo is presented with the key to Helena, AL. fittingly it is dangling from what appears to be a roach clip. Also, the key to the city is the style you would find at any great Lowe’s Home Improvement. It ain’t fancy, but it does the job! The key ceremony is so touching that we get to see a tender side of Bo as he is speechless and then weeps a little. To liven everyone’s spirits after that nancy moment, Bo performs in Helena’s city park to hundreds upon hundreds of people. Paula was a little wrong last night because this was also the last time you could see Bo for free before you have to start paying. At least I don’t think that they had to pay to see him. That would be a bummer. He did get to play with the two old guys from Skynyrd though so that might be worth two bits. The crowd goes wild welcoming home the prodigal son. Fitting retribution for all the times old man Caruthers called the cops on him and his band in High School for playing too loud. No respect I tell ‘ya!

Back in the studio, Bo goes acapella again with his song from last night. This time accompanied by the white noise of the entire studio audience cheering because unlike last night, they know that it will be good. Again Bo is starkly lit from every incandescent light that the stage has to offer and the band can take a moment to contemplate their new jobs as Il Divo’s backing band. Bo amazes me that this isn’t just some novelty thing and that he can pull off a quality (and I’m sure nerve wracking) performance on command with the also added pressure that this is one of the last times he will be heard.

Checotah, here comes Carrie!
Marking only the second time that she has ever flown, Carrie wanders the Marquisjet cabin like a pro. If singing doesn’t work out for Carrie, I picture her making a name for herself on Southwest. Stepping off the jet she remarks how it smells like home. In an all too “I can relate” moment I can…um, relate as I grew up near Oklahoma. It certainly does stink a certain way. She stops by the local radio station who must think that they are just the bomb because they are soooo different than any morning show I’ve ever heard with a host named Crazy Rick and Bubba. Whatever. They imply if there is something between her and Ryan because he has looked at her a certain way before. Yeah right guys that was probably Seacrest trying to figure out what highlight she uses on her eyebrows. Nice try. After graciously fending off the fart jokes at the radio station, Carrie is the Grand Marshall in a parade that is all about her. How fitting. I swear this could be the town I grew up in. The only problem that I can forsee it that like my town, there is no Wal-Mart to hold a CD signing in unless you drive 20 miles that that would just be sacrilege! Problem solved! They just have it at the High School, just like they would have done in my town. Hmmm, I need to start promoting my return ASAP. I’ll call the Chamber of Commerce next week! Anyway, after the parade we move over to the courthouse where the townsfolk have gathered out front like something out of a John Ford film to present Carrie with the official key to the city. They even put off the hangin’ for this so you know it’s big! We get to catch another glimpse of the not-sure-of-himself mayor of Checotah as jittery as he was when he had to declare that he felt like a woman. It’s true!!! And if he hadn’t made such a big deal out of it during last night’s show, he would be safe from comment right about now but nooooo! Some guy from the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame is there to anoint her with placement within its hallowed halls. She now joins the ranks of such illustrious artists such as Wes Reynolds and the Red Dirt Racers, you’ve heard of them right? Carrie realizes that it doesn’t take much to have your picture slapped up on its walls. Once all the pomp and circumstance is through, Carrie gets to go back to the farm and have some quiet time with the family. The barnyard animals finally get their recognition too. It is sweet to see them light up when they see Carrie again. I have a weepy moment myself when they show this. Oh, and it looks like she has a Boston Terrier puppy! Well, anyone with a BT is alright in my book.

Wrapping things up back on the West Coast, Carrie either chooses or has chosen for her “Crying” from last night’s performance. I cringe as this was not her best song from last night, but maybe that is just me. No one is going to care at this point. At least she improves slightly on the emotional piece that Clive Davis said was missing from the previous night, it is only slightly better. For the most part though, I could have been watching an instant replay from Tuesday and not known the different as her staging was exactly the same. I feel a bit odd not hearing from the judges ramble on about having fun or doin’ their thing. I kind of need that, I feel deficient. Where’s my dose of Paula helium!

We break for commercial where I find out that there is actually something called a fruit buzz that you can get from eating McDonald’s new Fruit and Walnut salad. Scary. You can’t let kids out by themselves anymore for fear of getting high on just about anything these days.

For some odd reason we are only about one minute away from the end of the show according to my Bright House cable box. I check my DVR just to make sure that I have hit the “live” button. Yep, they are cutting this one close. Come on…the envelope please!

Just in case you didn’t get the snail mail….VONZELL IS OUTTIE!!!!

She fake kisses to her adoring fans and we see mom fake kissing back to her. It is very sweet. Her dad and brother are dressed like they were extras in the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film. Her trip through American Idol plays and we are reminded of several things. She was a mail carrier, she too auditioned in Orlando (that makes two of the final three from O-town auditions! Way to go us!), she likes big oversized belts but sadly no mention of her mastering the art of karate.

Something heartwarming and odd happens next. First, Fox allows American Idol to cut in on the much needed air time for Stacked by letting the entire farewell song be sung and then Bo and Carrie join in to help her sing it out and not in a “I’m crying, you take over” kind of way but in a very nice, “we actually support you kind of way.” And it is a completely different song than any she sang last night. I like the fact that Bo and Carrie show they are true great spirits by helping send this package USPS to Ft. Myers with a big ol’ “Handle With Care” on it. Awwwww.

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