2005 The Rear End View

I Can't Believe We Ate The Whole Thing!

Another year has come and gone and yet I don't think I'll feel any different two seconds after midnight (what with the leap second and all). 2005 was a nice jazzy number to behold but for the most part, it stunk! The most haggard thing about this year is that tabloid triumphed over terrorism ... or even tsunami's. It wasn't long after Bono campaigned for his second term as most important person in the world that we got right back to sticking our collective heads up Britney Spear's uterus.

What defines a year my friends? The shocking trend that the shocking isn't at all shocking. It all boils down to how much trash you could DVR and not hit a commercial about Warming Touch personal lubricants. This year the rich kept getting richer and the poor kept getting poorer; and if you lived in Southern Louisiana or Mississippi ... homeless. Most Americans found that if you just flipped the channel, it would all go away. Of course, you risked missing the rare opportunity to catch Anderson Cooper not looking his best. An impossible feat, but you just knew it was going to happen. Yes, TV was our muse, our crutch, our krunk. I'm probably not one to talk. I spent the first part of this year writing recaps for tabloid infused hit poop-fest American Idol, a task I excitedly hope to resume so that I don't lose use of my sarcastic bone.

So real quick before I forget, here's my Rear End View of 2005: The Chronicles of Betamike

Best Food I Had - O'Boys turkey platter. Nothing beats an evening of Orlando Weekly reading while pigging out on O'Boys smoked turkey. The place is in essence a little to "fratty" for me but good food will always win out. I don't know what it is about their fries but they are always done to perfection, perfect for dipping into the best baked beans you ever had. And don't even get me going on their sweet tea! I can really only recommend the Winter Park location.

Best Music I heard - Weeeeell, can I talk about a little thing called the Coachella Music Festival? Can I also mention the Arcade Fire's performance there on May 1st? Also, the Chemical Brothers show left me dehydrated, scarred and listless. Closer to home, The Faint/Bright Eyes show made me melt and the Tilly and the Wall concert is quite possibly the most fun I've had at a single show in a long time.

Best of the Boob Tube - I quite enjoyed getting to know the "Venture Brothers," tried my hardest to understand "Kath and Kim" and felt like a catty bitch watching "Project Runway" (two seasons in 1 year!!!). But I have to say the best TV around was Season 3 of "Arrested Development." If you didn't catch this show, don't worry you just helped contribute to its demise by not watching it. See, on TV you have to have a certain number of people watching so that a show will stay on the air. Brilliant! In this case, people found having to actually pay attention and remember plot lines from the week before too complex and ended up watching King of Queens instead. Sad sad sad sad sad that shit like "The War at Home" is still deserving of a place on Fox despite its warmed over plot lines and not-funny comedy delivered by Michael Rapaport, the ickiest jock alive. But really who can blame Fox, they're Republican.

Best Distraction of 2005- BLOGGER! All hail Blogger! I'd be outside knocking over a Sam Flax if it weren't for my absorption into this lovely little community, my complete and utter absorption. There are times when I think about my Blog and know that it is completely innaporpriate, like if I were to see an elderly woman get mugged I would think "How can I Blog about this?!" Sad. If you really want to be distracted, explore the world of We Love Katamari. Japanese novelty pop, characters with names like Foomin and Miso, a giant sticky rolling ball, it's like what I imagine living inside Gwen Stefani's tour bus would be like.

Crazy people of 2005 - I would love to just go ahead and give this to Tom Cruise but there were several others that really rubbed me the wrong way this year. Okay, Tom Cruise. For like every reason imaginable, and pardon me for not feeling like every other American, but #1, he's a shitty actor. #2, he has a shitty grip on reality and other people's real problems (since he clearly doesn't have any). #3, what does Scientology say about marriage of conveniences? Next would be Oprah Winfrey. It seems that she started out the year ahead of everyone else with her little merde fit at Hermes. I honestly don't understand what the big deal was, yet it made international headlines. If Hermes has a private function going on inside, why the hell would they need to apologize for not letting her in? I frankly don't benefit from her wealth and could care less if she couldn't buy an overprice scarf that she will wear ... never. My trifecta ends with the soul sucking Dakota Fanning. Not sure why I find her the anti-Christ but ... awww, just look at her. How could you resist such a unpretentious cute little face like that!

Celebrities of 2005 - My pick for Celebrities of 2005 are: Weather! Weather really made a comeback this year! After it's debut last year with some of the worst destruction in recent history with 4 ... count 'em 4!!! hurricanes, we were treated to like, 26 of them this year plus a devestating tsunami. If you like sequels, I just heard that they have just forecasted us to have near 50 more years of record hurricane seasons! Move on down to Florida y'all why don't ya! We'll create one large human sandbag and stop Mother Nature in her tracks! One of my next favorite celebrities this year is The Social. The Social had a banner year this year with the likes of Tilly and the Wall, the Shout Out Louds, TV on the Radio, The Faint, Radio 4, We Are Scientists, and many many more that I did not attend. Okay, Orlando in general had a banner year but let's give it up for the little venue that could. Finally we have Robots! Robots were everywhere this year. Mostly when I closed my eyes.

The could use a little more attention in 2006 award - Me. Ending up the year with three gray hairs in my left temple, 142 lbs soaking wet and one canker sore. I need to loosen the old balloon knot some.

Things you can just tell are going to be bad in 2006 - The "Let's try to gain some approval ratings" show. Shameless, a lot of it, and thinly veiled.

More craptastic music from the likes of the Black Eyed Peas, will we not listen to just about anything that they put out or what. My Humps? Really?

Catching up with ourselves just in time for: Hurricane Season (again), Christmas, more I-4 construction.

More crappy movie remakes just to make sure we've killed the originality of the originals.

More of the music industry's failed attempts to understand the digital music phenomenon and regain control of what they want you to listen to at higher prices.

People who make these kind of decisions.

Dakota Fanning.

Resolutions - To look the other way. To be a better friend. To get fatter.