Thursday, January 05, 2006

Like Woman For Chocolate

Maybe it's my addiction to Lifetime Television or my inane ability to channel annoying trends into my orbit like a ghost whisperer, but I have noticed that recently the silent waves have gone like a beacon calling out to all the Nation's women leading them to their chocolate Mecca. It is perplexing. It's more than a little vexatious.
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I know that this is neither "new" nor a "trend" but the understood
woman + chocolate = essential equation has come to DavidLynchLizaMinelliDaisyFuentes crazy proportions. It's an epidemic like the Reefer Madness kids, Mary Jane just loves her the brown weed!
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Primary offense comes from a Dove Chocolate commercial currently in heavy rotation. You've seen it. Calling youuuuuu. It involves some ghastly Miss Piggy-as-Minnie Driver walking self-importantly through a silken curtain of chocolate-colored fabric that actually turns into chocolate behind her(?) Then comes the signal women all over the world are programmed to receive; she takes a little chocolate square and puts it into her mouth, eyes go all back in her head, war stops in the Middle East, her farts start smelling like jasmine, you know ... Jesus miracle stuff. You don't believe me, listen to the grand opera music, hear the announcer! It makes it sound like every woman is out of the club if she doesn't have a supply of these things hidden in her panties drawer. It's like an obtuse Obsession commercial for chocolate. Can it be this good? What universe are women taken to when they eat chocolate? How long is the trip? Is there no self control once you start? How does it factor into warming touch personal lubricants?!
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Vaginal moisture and freshness commercials are one thing but thanks to woman's touch, the way that I look at chocolate has forever been perverted. Chocolate sign of the apocalypse #2, Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse. It's yogurt but disguised as a chocolatey mousse-like substance that, truly and honestly, is just yogurt. If this commercial is let into your conscious, God help you. The scene is set at a spa where two women are curled up like every mother/daughter about to have "that special talk" garbed in cotton robes relaxing in chaise lounges eating yogurt. Hey, it's just two ladies eating chocolate yogurt at the spa. It's normal. Women love chocolate soooo much that it doesn't fucking matter where they are. What I don't get is the fact that they've paid for a pricey spa treatment and all they can do is sit around and eat 67 cent yogurt ... oh, I get it, once again eating chocolate is decadent like getting a facial. hmmm. More shocking is their private conversation. Let's listen! It goes something like this:
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.....Girlfriend 1 "This is like shopping for shoes, good"
.....Girlfriend 2 "It's like double chocolate cheesecake, good"
.....Girlfriend 1 "It's
like zen wrapped in karma dipped in chocolate, .....good!" (shudder)
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COME ON!!!!
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Admittedly, I do not have a sweet tooth and Hershey's tastes exactly the same as Lindt or Godiva or Ghirardelli to me. Maybe it's a gene that men just don't have or possibly I'm just inept. Either way, life goes on regardless of these cloying ads that make women look like mindless puppets who are "Coo Coo" for cocoa puffs ... and who knows, maybe they are.

1 comment:

TripAway2Day said...

Off topic: I remember that whomever had Daisy Fuentes on VIP Tour during the 2000 kick-off, enjoyed calling her "Crazy Fuentes".

I always was amused by that.

Oh, and I here tell that "Crazy" demanded a golf cart to take her through the park.

fsjrlohp: The new Fish Jr. sandwich now being served at IHOP. (C'mon it's almost as good as the rooty-tooty-fresh-n-fruity crap they were peddling.)