American Idol Auditions Austin - Hi!

[Editor's Note:] Austin was a very disappointing city to write for tonight. If the Producers had given me a little more to work with, I would not have had to try turning lemons into lemonade. In doing so I have managed only to create a very sour light yellow liquid. Enjoy.
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Tonight we go (hand claps) deep in the heart of Texas to Austin, the live music capital of the world. Austin? Really? Isn't just being the capital of Texas good enough? No matter, dip me in Ranch dressing and call me Sally Saddlesores!! I am ready to gallop right into the epicenter of the Lone Star State. A state so big that it takes up like, a huge amount of space.
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The outside shot of the Erwin Center reveals a whole mess of people shouting "Don't mess with Texas" which is I guess their slogan. I kind of wish we had a slogan in Florida like that one instead of "Are you kidding me with this heat!" or "Why are all the crazies living in Daytona Beach?"! Texas also has the slogan "Kelly Clarkson's from here!" which is evident from all the Kelly wannabes in the crowd shot. Austin's Frank Erwin Center looks like a hollowed out water tank that never got off the ground. Out in the crowd people sway back and forth in the heat reminding us that this was filmed months and months ago. Some 50 year old cackle sack of a lady pours water on her head and all you can see is days worth of cigarette ash rise from her noggin when the liquid hits it. P.U.!
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Let's get inside and meet our first auditioner. Oh goodie! A male ballerina! Julian Riano does not make any bones about being a full throttle ballerina. Wait, a rejected male ballerina. Or ballerino? Either way, don't dump your baggage on us Julian. Really, it's okay. Paula wastes no time in putting his skills to the test by pointing out to the other two judges that Julian can do a full split from standing. Julian looks surprised that this will now be part of his audition and says "Shall I just go down?" Ummm, yes you shall. Like on his resume, Julian wows the judges by doing a full split while wearing cowboy boots. Not sure why that makes it better but it does. Brokeback Mountain is in full effect when he informs the judges that he will be singing "Lemon Tree" by Trini Lopez. I think he had them in the palm of his hand what with all his fluffiness until he opened his mouth to sing. Sadly, there was no pot of gold at the end of Julian's rainbow today.
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Next is a trail of worthless time fillers that don't amount to much. Not to cut these talentless hacks even lower than they already are. We love talentless hacks!! I'm saying that they don't show us much of anything to make it worth our while yet they make the Graphics guy go ahead and work overtime creating a name and town image for each of them. I can hardly even remember what any of them looked like but here's what made an impression on me.
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Michelle Lapoint. Pointless that we even had to see her.
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Arthur Mayfield from Orlando (sigh). Does nothing but dance. Poorly. Really Arthur, the robot scene left Orlando over a year ago when I was advised by my landlord that 20 people shaking their booty in my apartment constituted a "small business" and I'd have to get a license.
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Tonight's hot mess comes in the form of Paula Goodspeed. She (surprise) goes to art school and has been told that she is fashion genius. In fact, knowing art students very well, I assume that she is probably majoring in Fashion Genius. The only real genius to her ensemble is that she somehow managed to wipe Claires out of all their bangles and oversized sequin accessories. Then there are her braces.... actually, there are braces and then there are coyote traps. These are the latter with diamonels in them! To seal the freak deal, she reveals to us that she draws over-sized portraits of Paula Abdula. Unfortunately one of the voices in her head (the one she sadly broke up with last week) decides to sing. Mmmm, there's only room for one Paula and you. are. not. it. After the audition realization sets in that she has wasted about half of her tuition and about $1,000 in art supplies making various Paula Abdul drawings, scrap paper, whatever. During her post-audition rant, she manages to chew off her lip simply by talking.
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Oh dear Lord!!!! Zombies are invading Austin! Yes!!!! This season has it all! If you all aren't aware of my obsession/fear of zombies, let me just Clue you in. I have a love hate relationship with zombies that goes waaaay beyond common sense so I won't bore you with too many details here but wouldn't you know that they would have to show up up here and make the contestants look bad. You know, because they were lots more entertaining than the kids who were there to audition. I thought it was pretty funny.
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A bunch more bad singers are quickly put in front of us. So fast in fact that I can't keep up! I'm not a spring chicken anymore, I can't take the Mtv quick edits like I used to! Actually, I have DVR but I could care less about the details of these mediocrely bad performers. Mediocrely isn't really even a word but it fits. They weren't the worst rejects that I have seen but they weren't good either. Personally I would hate to be marginal like this. Being mediocrely bad is much worse than being arm pit stinky like most of the people they show.
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So far all we have seen are boring people who don't make it to Hollywood. It is about 20 minutes into the show and those Cheeseburger Hot Pockets are teasing me from inside the freezer compartment. "Miiiiiichael, brrrrrr it's cold in here! Our cheese-like substance would be really good heated up right about now. Come on, the Producers of American Idol are just stringing you along. Stringing you along like our gooooooey cheese is going to be stringy and bright orange after about 3 minutes in the microwave. You now you want us! We're not even the Lean kind! We're full of good fat! FAAAAAT!!!." Aaaah, have to stay focused! Surely Jason Horn will deliver on the yellow piece of paper. He's got to, he has a special interest feature on him already! He's an embalmer by way of the family business. Actually he says it's "kind of" a family business so I'm not sure how that can be unclear because his dad and brother run the place. He is going to sing "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Grobin [ed: wretch]. It is clear that Jason is a good guy who can sing really well although he has kind of a church voice which leads me to believe that he is forced to sing at the funeral home during services. The judges all agree with no sense of opposition. Actually this is the warmest response so far this season to a contestant. Let's see if we can't destroy that feel good moment come Hollywood time.
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Whoo Hoo! We finally got one to Hollywood! Cierra Johnson looks as though she is American Idol material. She is cute and exudes the A.I. spirit! For some reason she is stuck on singing Christmas carols which is refreshing at first. She sings "O Holy Night" badly. And then she tries to follow that one up with yet another Christmas song. It's not that she sings badly, well yeah she sings badly but the potential is there. She does this warbley thing with her voice that makes me think that what I am hearing is just her imitating what she has heard Beyonce do on an album. Cierra is a big no so it looks like our winning streak is broken. Bummer. Oh, apparently Cierra has an album coming out soon. Watch for that to drop at a CVS near yo momma!
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Here's what I am talking about people. The Producers put yet another montage of bad people who didn't make it. There's an A&F wannabe with anger issues (pray for his "girlfriend" please) and a girl dressed like Sigmund the Sea Monster who drops the cache from her purse on the way out.
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Sweet little Alison Schoening almost died on the flight to Austin. Someone put on Flightplan in the overhead film I guess and then some moron shouted out the spoiler at the end to which everyone started rocking the plane back and forth in protest and then the oxygen came down and the drink cart rolled all the way to the front where it burst open to reveal that the stewardess was jonesing an entire stash of Mr. Pibb and didn't tell anyone she had it, etc... DETAILS Alison!!! Dammit! I want details next time! Anyway, she seems like a very sweet girl (Carrie Underwood-ish actually) but I can't help but think she moves her mouth in a really strange way. When she gets into the audition room she nervously stumbles her way though her song. They give her a second chance by letting her come back in 1/2 hour. Huh?! She clearly wasn't very good! I guess the judges were tipped about her ordeal. I'm not sure what is going on but if I am having to wait for her to come back, then I assume that she is going to Hollywood.
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Ricky Hays studies music in school so I am expecting great things from this dude. Randy greets him by calling him "Family" which I find very amusing. I think Randy needs to look up family in the Urban Dictionary. Whooop! Ricky does not let us down on the vocal goods. He sings "I Can't Make You Love Me" reeeeeeeeally smoothly. Clearly he gets at least an associates degree early and moves on to Hollywood.
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Take a look at this one. Ashley Jackson. She is a "fit" model. She gets the award for the most pointless job ever! She can't even claim to be a model. She just makes sure things fit well! I guess this takes all the guess work out of tailoring with people like Ashley around. Do they not make stuff off of a template or form or anything anymore? Ironically, her top doesn't fit very well tonight. A little too tight. A little too short. I guess we just caught her on a bad day. In all fairness, she probably didn't have much time to prepare for her American Idol audition or anything. In the singing department, not so hot. Truthfully it isn't really sooo bad but the judges are not amused with her ill-fitting white top so they quickly scour the bio sheet for other information. Paula grasps onto a hidden talent that Ashley has of singing with her mouth closed. This little bit of parlor trickery amuses the judges enough to make for a yellow piece of paper. She can sing with her mouth closed! She can drive with her eyes closed! She is going to Hollywood based on two completely worthless skills!
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Annoying me already just based on his intro is "A man that loves himself more than Simon" as Ryan puts it. How about Ryan Secrets!!! Huh?! I'm thinking Ryan isn't lacking in the fist kissing department! Sadly, I deleted the episode before I could get his name but let's just call him Jock-o okay. This guy is a little full of himself but I will tell you, in five years....bald! This guy is the Matt Rogers of this season. Everyone vote him off!!! This may be the high school dork in me but I hope they are setting this jock up to fall flat on his man pillows! I just noticed that Randy is sporting a paisley shirt for the second day in a row. This one is marginally better. Jock-o sings "Aint' No Sunshine When She's Gone" which destroys my theory that he will fall on his face. Sigh...just like in high school. Such is life. You can tell that they really don't want to put him through based on his attitude. Or is it just me. Randy doesn't want another alpha male around and says no. Paula CAN'T say no and Simon likes the voice and send him through.
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This gets confusing so stay with me. Randy Jackson walks into the room with his pin trading hat on and decides to audition in front of...Randy Jackson. Going by the name Kevin Mitchell similarly to Garth Brooks' Chris Gaynes persona, he proceeds to sing the Phil Collins tune "I Can't Dance" Nope. Randy is out. Whaaa?!
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Okay, Alison is back for her second chance. She crashes and burns. No oxygen mask. No Fightplan. Mr. Pibb. We waited for this?! God, those Hot Pockets are looking good right about now.
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William Makar is a Revenge of the Nerds kind of guy, so I like him. He also sings soul like no skinny white man should. Paula finds him too young. Simon thinks in terms of the show and marketability and sends him on. Randy puts him over the edge and to Hollywood. Yeah skinny white dude!
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Finally we have Tessie Mae Reid. Whoooooo Hoooooo! She's like a lot of the Idols. She's like Kelly because she sings pop songs and sometimes she sings country so she can be like Carrie Underwood too. Can we please have today's youth redefine their sole definition of pop and country music please! She's also a little like Ruben Studdard. No, she's not African American silly! I mean, she just hasn't put out a quality album yet. Sheesh! She could be the "next big famous person." (her words) No comment. She has the most unique set of bang braids going on tonight. In cold or rainy weather use her bang braids in a knot under her chin to secure her rain bonnet. Check out the hot pink pants!! With all this to offer, something had to go. Unfortunately for her it is her voice. She doesn't get a second chance but I personally would love to have heard some of her country singing. She tells us "You're missing out on a lot!" (her words) no comment. Memo to everyone: Do not try slamming a pneumatic door. It doesn't really have the desired effect you are looking for and makes you look a wee bit stupid. Mom is there to comfort Tessie and magically has the top to match the pants.
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Only 12 people make it to Hollywood from Austin. Mostly girls.

For your enjoyment, my "other" American Idol Austin logo I was going to use.

You Can Do It!