Okay, I didn't get the memo about Idol's new time slot! I had my little Idol bullpen all set up and ready to go complete with an ice cold Mr. Pibb, Hello Kitty house shoes and my "Honky!" t-shirt. I was expecting to be in bed at a decent hour tonight. But Fox, in their infinite wisdom, made me sit through an hour of forensic precociousness with Bones that involved Foreigner and one of the Baldwin Brothers. This is the same wisdom that let Arrested Development slip through their greasy Vienna sausage scented fingers. I guess I could have gotten up and done something more constructive but my frosty glass full of Pibb was already beginning to sweat and I just can't let a good cold drink go to waste.
Ryan greets us from the audience and just so happens to stand next to the people with the "I Love Ryan" sign. What a coincidence! Who brings an "I love Ryan" sign with them anyway? Oh, also it is someone's birthday according to one of the signs but I can't make out who. Drat! Well, happy birthday Abb...whatever! According to Ryan (who is heaving with excitement) 32 1/2 million votes were cast last night. Which, in case you were wondering is pretty weak for this show.
The first of this season's fakemmerical's is the best so far! Well, it is the only one so far but from what I saw, this one is going to be hard to beat. Let me explain to you the joy I get from the Ford Fakemmercial each season, they are now so bad that they have almost transcended to museum-quality high art trash. The likes of which you would expect to find off the strip in Vegas or in Rip Taylor's basement. It's like the crack rock! It's Idolcontin! I almost expect something of real quality tonight when Chris Daughtry starts us out by beautifully crooning "All I Want" by Toad the Wet Sprocket. It almost makes miss them...almost. Then all of a sudden, the artistic director's acid kicks in. Bucky Assless Chaps Covington pops out of the back of the Ford Escape (laying down mind you) where apparently he and Chris have been "camping." You know it's innuendo because Bucky is smiiiiiling. Then the video turns into a parody of an Old Navy commercial that is more "out there" than the parody of the Old Navy commercial that Geico did. Pow! All of a sudden a short, squat Troll (Bigfoot?) pops out of the woods. It is so hairy that at first I mistake it for Elliott Yamin but then I remembered I saw him earlier being forced out of frame by Mandiesel's hip waders. The Troll is clearly upset because this spoils all his plans for a nice quiet evening with Bucky and Chris...also it's really hard to "go" in the forest with all that hair on you and manage to stay, you know, fresh. The fun ends when that bitch Katherine McPhee shows up dressed like a forest ranger and makes the Troll break the 4th wall by removing his head to reveal...Ace who is clearly not wearing a taboggin for the commercial, which he probably should have. The end of the fakemmercial reminds me of a Menthos commercial gone horribly wrong.
Here for your viewing pleasure, is "All I Want" by the Idol Twelve:
[Warning] Hilarity may ensue, please take precaution as milk and/or diarrhea may come out an orifice depending on your particular situation or delicate condition. Thank you.
Stevie Wonder has finally managed to clear out his calendar and joins us tonight for the musical segment of the show. He tells us that by giving constructive criticism to the kids earlier in the week, he "hopes he helped the situation." Wha? Stevie has a new album out called A Time To Love and is blessing us with one of the new songs off of that album titled "My Love's On Fire" which makes me giggle a little. Ryan of course has to hog the spotlight and get valuable Stevie quality time but he is so foolish yelling into Stevie's ear when he asks him a question. He's blind Ryan, not deaf! I'm thinking that "My Love's On Fire" probably won't be in the American Idol musical repertoire next season but that's okay, Stevie is still a God. It is funny, he incorporates "Let the best one win!" into the lyrics at the very end of the song.
Since tonight is only a half hour show, we get right to it, first stop is Ace and Chicken Little. I barely listen when Ryan reads the judges reviews back to the contestants but I find it funny when Ryan tells Kevin that "Randy liked your makeup and your moves." Ha! But I am shocked to see that we are stopping here and deciding between Kevin and Ace. I may not like Ace but I figured that votes would be on his side over Kevin's horrible performance last night but because I was a good boy all week, the Producers let me have Ace in the bottom three tonight. Yes! Nothing like knocking Abercrombie off his Vespa the first go around. Secrets says that there is some shock in the studio audience however I don't hear any boos at first. Hmmmm. They continue on down the couch. When they get to Chris, the place goes nuts. Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs nuts! Melissa and Elliott are the next two to be divided. Ryan says he'll tell us which one "after the vote" which sounded odd. I think was Freudian slip from a mixed signal given to him from the Producers about when to cut to commercial. Anyway, Melissa is also in the bottom three. Finally we come to Lisa versus Bucky Sue. So I figured that comparing Lisa and Bucky is just a formality because we all know that people love adorable little Lisa but tonight is full of surprises! Bucky is safe and it is Lisa who is in the bottom three! Who could it be leaving American Idol tonight! Ryan finally gets it right by correctly telling us that we'll find out "after the break."
Does anyone know why T Mobile advertises their text messaging service when Cingular is the sponsor for American Idol?
As a gesture of good will, they throw one of the kids back to the safety of the couches early and as luck would have it, it's the man in the troll suit. I guess I didn't really think that Ace would leave this early but it does go to show you that going first out of 12 is instant death. I still stand behind the fact (and use this as evidence) that we'd still be serenaded by Patrick Hall if it wasn't for the fact that he drew the shortest straw. Sigh... As somewhat predicted, it is Melissa McGhee that is going home. Hope she doesn't forget the lyrics tonight! Of course they have a little farewell package all set up for her. Because the Producers couldn't resist squeezing in just one more Burger King commercial, Melissa only gets to sing the first few lines of her song before she gets a big "19 Entertainment" slapped against her mug. Ouch! It's gotta hurt being first one out. See you back in Florida Melissa.