I just got a new pair of glasses yesterday and wow! I am starting to notice things that I had never seemed to notice before. Either that or I just didn't give a poop before. Take the intro to American Idol for instance. Just what the hell are those white comets that swirl around the two androgynous CGI residents of Idol Towers? I believe that they are the souls of past Idol winners destined to forever float around the glassy monolithic Idol Towers until their contract expires or they become famous on their own merit....so basically foreeeeeever! [Kelly Clarkson excluded]. While we are on the famous Idol Towers, I am keenly aware that the entire structure is made of glass, just how on earth do they keep the place streak free? And what kind of privacy does one have if one has to use the potty? To me, Idol Towers has all the warmth of a theme park inside of Blade Runner's Los Angeles circa 2019, where Idol Replicants are hunted down before they sing plastic versions of minor hits. Gaaah! If you were to gain access to Idol Towers as an androgynous shemale (yes, I am aware one clearly has boobs) you might want to watch your step on the 4th floor, the Fantasia wing is notorious for it's faulty construction. I blame the people who voted. Anyway, with my new eyes I also made the remarkable discovery that the tunnel you see the CGIdol coming out of before the credits end looks an awful lot like Tripe. Take a look at your local grocer and get back to me next week. It'll make you see at that walkway in a different light...it's chartreuse tripe!
[The new specs]
Thank you Ryan Secrets for taking the initiative and dressing up for work this year. Seriously, I am digging the refined look. Tonight's Purple with purple on purple with polka dots is especially....special. I wonder what trendy West Hollywood Goodwill got all of his jean/jacket combos? Randy is blazing with this deep red silk shirt and red glasses to match. The man is coordinated (I also noticed the blue shirt with blue specs last night). Randy has more glasses than I do. Oh, in case you didn't know, I have A LOT of glasses. I'm a glasses whooah. I name them like they are my children. I sometimes spank them.
After last week's acid trip to Yellowstone, I was fairly disappointed with this week's Fakey. First of all, it didn't come right after the opening segment which lulled me into watching about 1/2 of a real Ford commercial before I realized the mistake. But this week did have its glossy 8x10 train wreck moments. With eleven Idols all chiming in at once, the Go Go's "We Got the Beat" sounded exactly like a Kidz Bop tune, that is if the little freaks were ever to sing it (even they haven't stooped so low as of yet). It is filmed in a vaguely Old Navy/Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle way and the only good part is Chicken Little being buried in the sand by the other Idols because they love him so much and want him to get sand fleas who in turn leave him to be discovered and presumably raped by two O.C. hotties...but he is all good with it. Oh, and they all drive off in some kind of Ford car thing. Whatever.
Barry Manilow is here to sing us to sleep with one of his fifties songs. The man's skin is so tight and squished that to actually speak to Ryan he has to turn his entire body towards him. He mentions that he really should be in Las Branson right now as he is due to perform at his theater but he is in L.A. right now singing for us. What a conundrum! Don't worry, he could just use Paula's time traveling Delorean and make it back just in time. Maybe he could also stop the Season 2 Corey Clark fiasco before Paula kisses him at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance! It is weird to see Ryan Secrets and Barry Manilow together as it is almost like we are seeing what Ryan will look like in about 30 years. Barry wants to sing "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" and teach us how it was really sung back in the fifties. His words, not mine. During the song, we see Number One Fanilow, Bobby Bennett clapping like it is appropriate to clap at a Barry Manilow song from the fifties. He is the only one standing and sadly for Bobby, he is about 18 rows back. Clearly he can't score a seat like Jasmine Trias can. Bobby's luck turns for the better when he is let back on stage to squeeze Barry like he is Wonder Bread. You can hear Barry's sutures popping. Finally Barry realizes just what kind of crazed maniacal people Fanilows really are. Sweet Dreams Barry!
Oh, the results show! I almost forgot......So did the Producers! To save us all some time, the entire back row is stacked like Republicans in Congress, they are safe. It comes down to Lisa, Bucky and Chicken Little. C.L. reminds me a lot like Rivers Cuomo tonight. Surprisingly Lisa is sent back to the Couchizzle which I don't understand, she was horrible. Paula is like a Spanish Novella tonight, lots of black eyeliner and tears. In the battle between the meek vs. the skank, the meek loses out (there are a lot more people voting for the skank apparently) and millions of grannies are crying foul much like they did last year when Tracheotomy Boy, Anthony Federov got kicked off. And just like A-Fed, our little pal Chicken Little kicks off his swan song by sitting on the edge of the stage, gazing out into the audience and singing wistfully about falling in love, to which a lot of Americans will hear and realize that it isn't really all that bad, vibrato or not, and leave broken hearted. We'll miss you Chicken Little.
Props to my mom who called me and let me know that ironically, Chicken Little came out on DVD yesterday. Will Disney's Synergy stop at nothing?!