Tuesday, March 28, 2006

American Idol 03/28/06 - Let's Not Do This Again...Ever!

I think everyone, including myself, was so worried about Disco Hits of the Seventies Night or the Let's Hear it for Broadway tribute, but nothing could prepare us for the utter wreck that was Songs of the 21st Century. Especially when the kids were let loose to choose their own songs (with very loose copyright restrictions apparently). The result was like the death cloud that rises from a freshly opened can of Potted Meat. It's as if they were given a catalog the size and span of the iTunes library and came out with the "People who purchased Josh Grobin also bought..." recommended songs. On a side note, as is typical with my luck, the tickets I had for American Idol were for tonight's show but fortunately I decided to eat this week and not buy a last minute plane ticket to Hollyweird. If I had, I would be blogging live from just behind Paula's bobble head wondering what the hell happened in the 21st Century so far to make it such a great theme night!
That stands for Pooooor Lisa Tucker. So much talent, so little, ummm...not using it. Of course I have never heard the Kelly Clarkson song "Because of You" but that doesn't prevent me from telling you it sounded nothing like the original. It is sad when you try to score some brownie points after teetering in the bottom three the past few weeks by singing an American Idol alum's hit only to sound like you are screaming in panic because your parents left you in the food court at the mall...when you were four. Okay, to be nice to Lisa I'll just call the performance "pitchy" and be done with it. I was going to call it "hella out of tune" but it just didn't that special ring to it. Randy says it is "just okay," even Paula gives her constructive criticism. Memo to myself: Put away the "Farewell to Bucky" logo and begin working on the "Lisa down the drain" logo. I would just end the recap here folks but I'll stick around to see what Chris does this week and maybe find something interesting to write about Ryan Secrets.
Some puffy-faced girl masquerading as Kellie Pickler tells us that the real Kellie is going to sing "Suds in the Bucket" [begin laughing now] which is the country music equivalent to pop music's "My Humps" in it's unabashed shamelessness. For your pleasure I have sampled some of the genius lyrics for you here in one corn-tacular poem (Bedazzler and White Washed jeans optional).

She stuck a note on the screen door - "sorry but I got to go"
Now her daddy's in the kitchen - starin' out the window
Scratchin' and a rackin' his brains
Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman
Course you can't fence time - and you can't stop love
Now all the biddy's in the beauty shop gossip goin' non-stop
She's got her pretty little bare feet hangin' out the window
And they're headin' up to Vegas tonight

Before I dis the eloquence of screen doors, bare feet and biddy's, I am certain that this song is cherished enough to have been prominently featured at more than a few weddings in North Carolina where Kellie is from. You know, you can't fence time! Shameless. Randy says "What the F性交性 girl!" Paula dismantles Kellie's "Pick Pickler" campaign a little bit by agreeing with Randy that tonight was really not a good night for her but oddly does not get booed like Simon does for saying the same thing. Simon doesn't really need to say anything to make Kellie any more uncomfortable but I think she was waiting for him to say something if just to get another "What's a ballsy?" nugget of country bumpkin charm into the hearts of the fans left who still think she's not faking that act. Anyone? [end laughing now]
During his hour long session in front of the mirror yesterday, Ace decides that people are starting to think that Chris is cuter (oh, don't forget more talented!) and picks a song to "rock out" to tonight with Train's "Drops of Jupiter." You know, it's not fair to have only one rock guy...Ace is multi talented don't forget! And when I think about rocking out, I think Train! Greetings from Ace's sinuses, wish you were here! The entire song is sung from up in his nasal cavity region, not the same as singing falsetto but I think he was trying. The planned out choreography tonight included raising his hand a few times and then....the big reveal: Ace shows us a nasty scar on his collarbone (because the song mentions scar). I notice that Ace is ultra shaky tonight. On purpose I wonder? With Ace you have to wonder, is it planned...or not? Randy says that yeah...wrong song and umm, you didn't sing it well. Like a dog, Paula can only hear "good girl," "treats," and "try this." She can also only see in Earth tones and targets in on things that are greasy, unkempt and male. I'm not sure what kind of Inside Edition moment she was trying for but she says (clearly not using her inside voice) that she would love to hear sometime how he got that scar. Nano-seconds later, Simon blows the dog whistle to silence Paula before she finds herself at the other end of a Pat O'Brien interview. The crowd is hilarious because no matter when you tell them to laugh or boo or clap, they are still sentient beings and the looks on their faces are priceless because (shhhh) "they all know about the scandal!" Simon hated the song so maybe I can start working on my Ace logo...maybe?
Taylor Hicks singing "Trouble." Yawn. The "trouble" I am having right now is with Paula's boob pockets. Girl can't put anything in those so why are they there? Who puts pockets in at the top of the garment? Taylor is toning down his performance and pimping his image. What's the deal? Did all the kids go out binge drinking last night? Is this the rehearsal show? There is a kid who has frosted gray hair in the front row tonight who Ryan points out as being a Taylor Hicks fan. Sadly, Ryan he was actually emulating you. It's just that he couldn't simulate the bad highlight job you had last season and it kind of came out looking like he was a member of the Soul Patrol.
Just to keep the train wreck on course (and fittingly off track) here's Mandiesel with "Wanna Praise You" because everyone remembers this one from the 21st Century right? Right? Right? It's from her church. Otherwise known as the "shackle" song? Anyone? Just what American Idol has been looking for, a Church song! Why not. If Kellie can pick a song about a bare foot runaway, why not let Mandiesel pick a spiritual. Let's all pick inaccessible songs that a majority of the public are unfamiliar with! She is really the first person to sing tonight that is energized enough to engage me although a choir would have been "nice." Sadly, equally engaging was trying to figure out exactly how large her pants were. The girl is big I know and I am loving her spirit and self image but well, please let's not add the battery pack back there next time guys, it really makes things seem a little more inflated. Still, I thought that Randy would say something at least a little bit positive but he thinks it is an off night for her, Paula creates a great schism and branches Mandisa off as her own Church (oooh, mission accomplished Mandisa!) and Simon thinks that the song was a little self-indulgent (oooh, mission accomplished by accident Mandisa!).
We interview Chris Daughtry before he sings and Ryan Secrets gushes over wanting to hear him sing a Celine Dion song. So special. I am curious what Chris will choose for a song from the 21st Century tonight. If I was a betting man I would say something from the "Alternative" (hahahaha) rock category like Fuel or Our Lady Peace or something but it turns out that....I was completely right! He will be singing "What If" by Creed. Insert your Scott Stapp joke here. If you have one. I would have to say that it was a much more solid performance than anyone else's tonight but with that being said, it was also like being peacefully asleep (which I was most of the show) and then all of a sudden being jolted awake by that really annoying alarm clock of yours, you know it's necessary but just a tad bit unwelcomed at first. I like the fact that Chris knows who he wants to be and all but this seems to be a little "the same ol' same ol'" to me. Randy thinks it was sharp. Paula is a big fan. Simon thinks he is going to give him constructive criticism for the first time but is corrected that he has not liked Chris in the past...according to Chris himself. Simon's criticism is that he too is being a little self-indulgent. Now that we are awake...
Katherine McPhee is taking on Xtina with "The Voice Within," which it turns out is not a story about multiple personalities. As the song starts, the judges are totally talking and not paying any attention which is funny because she sees this and completely watches them carry on. Maybe it's because I was watching UPN today but Katherine reminds me a lot of Shannen Doherty, but I'm not holding that against her. I also do not like her weird outfit. I will hold that against her. It reminds me a little of Klaus Nomi. If you don't remember the outfit or don't know who Klaus Nomi is, I look like a complete carrot right now. Randy thinks her song is just like the original (not in a good way). Paula thinks that she was her best tonight but probably could change it up a little next time. Simon thinks it is the best so far, almost as good as Xtina. Almost, but less famous and without the scary poodle hair. There is a sign in the audience from some Mcfans that has a strange shape (like a marshmellow) and then "loves Katherine." I am assuming that a marshmellow loves Katherine.
Bucky "my taters! my taters!" Covington is glad to go back to his pure country roots with "Real Good Man" because doing all of these slightly country songs has been too much for him. Bucky, your commitment to versatility makes me really want you to win this thing! Randy thinks that he should be on Nashville Star instead; I'm reading between the lines here of course. Paula (get this) couldn't understand him. HELLO! Simon wonders why he has committed to two more seasons of this.
Paris Bennett, my last hope for something of substance tonight, is so overly cute tonight that there are Care Bears making suicide pacts. She coyly says that she is going to sing a Beyonce song she liked "when she was young" called "Work It Out" and is sending it out for all the "young ones." Whatever playa! Again, because I am not cool nor young, I have no clue what this song is about except for maybe working something out. And she is up there working it out, looking some Frankenstein hybrid between Gwen Stefani and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, as if they were in a car wreck and the only way to save their lives was to sew them together. Paris has definitely changed from the auditions to now...heck, she has changed from the intro video to now! I'm not against that at all, I just feel the need to take my Paris pills in small doses, a little at a time. Randy says that it was fearless, it was "da bomb." Randy, this is the 21st Century, not the 20th Century! Paula says the words "Pussycat Dolls." Simon was the lone dissenter and thought it was like a little girl pretending to be Beyonce. Dude, it was!
People, there is no better way to turn me off from seeing a craptacular movie like Ice Age 2: Revenge of the frozen storyline than to plug it everywhere from the Fox logo interstitial, to playing the commercial a billion times during the show, to schilling those awful Scrat ringtones and the ultimate disgrace of plugging the Sid character into a mock version of the American Idol auditions themselves! Kellie Pickler says "What's a Scrat?"
Saving the day is Elliott Yamin with "I Don't Want To Be" which I like normally and hopefully will also like here with Elliott singing it. Things start off fine but then, Oh my God, the Scott Savol award for most embarrassing gangsta act by a white boy goes to...Elliott Yamin. Elliott, putting on a hoodie does not automatically give you the skills to hop like a rap artist or make you look more believable in doing so. On the video screen the middle backup singer looks like she is about to loose her puppies, I am worried for her. Well, his moves may have been ice cold but Randy thinks he is red hot. Paula loves the song and the moves. Simon ends the night on a positive note by telling him that the vocals were good and that he should probably rent 8 Mile and take notes.

Betamike went traipsing through tonight's performances looking for a place to rest his weary ears. He noticed that there were 10 songs! "I wonder which one will be the easiest on my ears?" he said. "Better try each one just to see."
Lisa --------------too bad

Kellie ------------ too trashy
Ace -------------- too predictable
Taylor ----------- too boring
Mandisa --------- too preachy
Chris -------------too loud
Katherine -------- too meh
Bucky ------------too unintelligible
Paris -------------too spastic
Elliott ------------just riiiight


James said...

Gosh what a train wreck! Thankfully Elliott brought things to a nice close (minus the dancing of course). I think listening to Paris singing about "working things out" is downright illegal in most states. Did anyone else catch the lyric "we can't wait for the bedroom / so we just hit the floor"? YIKES!!!

coffeygirlb said...

Oh, you never fail to crack me up. Didn't you just wanna barf when Ace touched himself. And yes, james, we caught that scandlous lyrical bit. Shame on Beyonce' and Paris. I thought that Katherine did wretchedly I still love Elliot even though last night was just bad.

johnnyberry said...

But I still need to know: "What's ballsy?"

crit said...

For the record... "Shackles" (which is another name for the song Mandisa sang) has always been one of my favs.

Boo to you betamike. *You need to branch out and explore more different types of music and check your music-snobdom every once in a while.


*this comment was posted entirely out of love and devotion for the skinnytie report and it's author

betamike said...

Gimme some Shackles love!