Thursday, July 27, 2006

Soda


I am currently seeking as many opportunities to make it rich without really doing anything strenuous or messing up my hair. One way to do this and at the same time support education (riotous laughter) is plopping down a buck each time I pass by the 7-11 in hopes of winning the Florida Lotto's gi-normous jackpot so I can moves outright onto a sand lot and own my own gawdamn trailer for reals. In the meantime, I am a whore for any of these ridiculously marketed novelty food items that seem to be perpetually part of the wallpaper inside these impulse buy dens of sin. On a recent visit my eye caught a delicious Slurpee display that showcased a purple Slurpee. Finally a grape Slurpee!! Of course, common sense cannot prevail in a society hopped up on McGriddles and P'EatZZa so the no-brainer grape Slurpee turns out to be vanilla flavored! Vanilla! Why the fuck would anyone want a vanilla Slurpee?!
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course my taste buds were all set for acidic and slightly perverted but a Slurpee that tastes like the back end of a Yankee Candle store wasn't about to cut it, so I ventured over to the wildly amusing soda case and overdosed on some rare novelty drinks. To ensure that none of these chemicals would do permanent harm, I kept a record over several days.
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Jolly Rancher sodas.

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Watermelon - I've actually had this before. When I was about 10 or 11 years old, while helping mom and dad out at the concession stand at our High School basketball games, I had total access to the candy boxes wherein lay coveted Jolly Rancher bars. Yes, before they were tiny little choking hazards, Jolly Ranchers were massive ruler-sized pucker wands that came in mostly Green Apple and Watermelon. Grape, although the ultimate flavor for most things in the Eighties, kinda sucked here. Anyway, these were kept by the popcorn machine in the back and when they got a little too hot, the wrapper would melt which could only be pried off with pliers or, for the desperate, eaten along with the candy. Meanwhile, Jolly goo would collect at the bottom of the wrapper. This soda tastes like fermented Jolly Rancher excrement. In this case, it's a good thing as it tastes exactly like a Watermelon Jolly Rancher. The downside is getting over the fact that you are "drinking" your candy which is the biggest problem I had with it. I also cannot drink the Fruit Loops flavored water from my cereal bowl. Don't know what it is, but there is just a mental block when it comes to stuff like this.
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Green Apple - Death puree. I sometimes fantasize that this is what Absinthe might actually taste like. Although acquiring a taste for the green fairy would probably come easier than convincing my kidney's to process this one more time. This is one classic example of form over function that I can't understand with some of today's novelty foods. Aren't drinks supposed to be refreshing and at least make pathways towards quenching your thirst? Have you ever accidentally choked down the contents of a Pixie Stick too quickly and your throat is suddenly coated with a thick layer of powder, suffocating you to where no amount of water whatsoever was able to power wash it away from your gullet? If you have ever even tried to eat a Pixie Stick then I know that you have. You can now recreate the same feeling by doing shots with this stuff. Hmmmm, combined with Pixie Sticks, this might actually take off!
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Blue Raspberry - Okay, I had no clue that Blue Raspberry was a classic Jolly Rancher flavor much less one that was able to achieve this "coveted" spot in liquid form. Blue Raspberry, you're such an underdog, a rebel. You're so indie! Of course I grew up right when people started going ape shit for anything "Xtreme" and you can't get any more Gen X than something called Blue Raspberry because it's soooo radical. You see....... blue raspberries don't even exist! ....I mean X-ist! Clearly this is a pastiche of micro testmarketing and this country's love of anything in neon colors. The flavor wasn't as radical as Green Apple by any means but the back of my tongue did recoil a little and it rendered my ability to taste anything healthy null for at least an 8 hour period. This drink belongs under a black light and on Bass fishing boats.
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Verdict: Unless you want to use them for novelty party favors or are really hard up for your Twinkle Scout recycling badge, avoid this liquid trip down nostalgia lane and stick to the hard stuff. The Green Apple was more like a high school chemistry accident involving hyrdrochloric acid, Watermelon pretty much tastes like the real thing but that can't be all that good in the first place and Blue Raspberry....WTF. I hated Blue Raspberry in my Otter Pops and I hates it now..
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7-11 Big Gulp soda
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For REALS!!!!! Why there exists a Big Gulp brand soda at 7-Eleven makes about as much sense as Taco Bell brand salsa in the chip aisle. "We all know you come to 7-Eleven for the decidedly soda taste of our Big Gulp, just never mind that it is filled with refreshing Coca-Cola...here's the real shit yo...made with pure cane sugar!" (not an official statement from 7_Eleven). You got be one poor ass muthafuckah to have to settle on this cheap imitation cola. One sip and your teeth become all gritty and start picking up radio frequencies.
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Verdict: Your teeth will hum with excitement as they send your outermost layer of enamel packin'
on a cross country trip to gum recession land!
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Bubble Yum Soda - Quite honestly, I am judging this one merely by it's smell and the thimble-sized portion that I could barely hold back, mainly due to a particularly damaging experience with a bubble gum flavored toothpaste I had as a kid. There should NEVER be a reason to make anything bubble gum flavored with the sheer exception of actual bubble gum. Even then bubble gum sometimes tries to be more special than it already is by disguising itself as Cotton Candy-flavored which is entirely another level of taste hell to which I shall never traipse.
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Verdict: Akin to the sphincter-rattling thought of such gastronomical Chernobyl babies as Glazed Donut flavored smooth
ies at Krispy Kreme or, God can only imagine, funnel cake scented face wipes at the Piggly Wiggly, Bubble Yum-flavored soda should be reserved for people with bad taste, not taste and those that can't chew their gum.












3 comments:

stephanie said...

Awesome post! This is almost as good as the Puke Diaries!

Gashapon said...

Bravo! Excellent post & wonderful photos to go along with it. I'm so privileged to know you!

Kelly L said...

brilliant. i need more of this in my life...jolly bee!!