American Idol Recap 03/31/05 - Giant Idol Puppets Will Eat Your Young!

Giant Puppet Idols Will Eat Your Young!

These 30 minute elimination shows kill me. I rush home, eat dinner while I try to write all this stuff down (it doesn’t just flow like the River Jordan, all these smart quips) and end up with a big burlap sack of nothing! Really, I mean, have you been able to step back and really look at what the elimination show is composed of? It’s more formula than Coke! Ha! See, that joke came out of at least ten minutes of sitting here looking at a blank screen. My point is, there just isn’t much to write about in these elimination recaps. It can all be boiled down to one lousy sentence: "‘Sup y’all __(name of contestant)__ is outtie. Peace." But I’m not like that, I love you all so very much! Why do I keep on, typing until the wee hours of the night? Other than fanatical devotion, I can sum it up in three beautiful words. The Fake Commercial.

We start with a shot of the lineup. My DVR fails me so I only get half the kids. The lineup ends with a very disturbing shot of A.Fed who looks HUGE! Did you see the size of his guns?! I apologize about the make-up comment man. Looks like you’ve cut back. Seacrest is in a very nice sharp gray suit tonight, looking the part of a guy who is paid way much more than he should be. There is a sign floating out there in the House of Yes. I could be mistaken but it seems to read "Anwar - girl, you are the next American Idol." Apparently we the viewers at home have broken another record. Last night was the highest number of votes outside of a finale on a Monday during a half moon. Way to go!!! 3.5 million people are all watching this with us.
If you think that there is going to be a break in the action tonight, you are wrong. Seacrest is hoisted up to the sound booth where he introduces tonight’s Sling-a-Long. This is the third and final choice for the American Idol Red Cross CD. They have chosen "Everything is Beautiful" which is by Ray Stevens in case you didn’t know. He’s the Branson staple who is famous for "Ahab the Arab" and "Gitarzan"…yes! I am definitely voting for this one!

It starts innocent enough. Pig Boy gets pole position for this one and does pretty good. Vonzell hits a speed bump and it is clear that her voice was not wearing a safety belt as it leaves her body for a moment. Nadia has her hair up tonight in one giant puff. Except for the saccharine sweet lyrics it seems pretty harmless. Ugh, Nikko is next and just really attempts to make it his own with no success. Jessica is left with the rest of the chewed up verse that Nikko gave her. Shots of the fanatical House of Yes waving their arms like they are at a Jonestown revival. Carrie finally shows up to save the song but only is in the spotlight for a mere few seconds before A. Fed comes in. My nostrils flare as I sense Constantine approaching the stage. He does a high kick. H’ya! Constantine comin’ at ‘ya! The only country not heard from is Anwar. This is quickly rectified. The kids all rotate about the stage and some of them leave and go to the catwalk for the big finish. Pig Boy has something hanging from his shirt tail, it appears to be square and silver like a small digital camera. An anti-theft device possibly? For our mercy, the song is very short with hardly any Idol getting a second solo. After it is all done, I decide that I do not want to vote for this song but stick with "He Ain’t Heavy." I encourage you to do the same if you care at all what quality of CD the kids put out for the Red Cross. And I know you do care. We are reminded that you only have twelve hours to vote!

Scary Alert!

We are back from the break with tonight’s Fake Commercial. A Fake Commercial so important that they placed it after the real commercial. I can tell immediately that it is "The Rebirth of Cool" by the Digable Planets. I know I knock the 90’s a lot but man, I could not get enough of this song back when it was out so this is a good sign. For the love of God!!! What the hell is that?! Giant puppet figures of Anwar and Carrie riding around in a (shameless plug) from Ford. The action is so quick I can hardly take it all in. There are puppets of A. Fed and Nikko just chillin on the front stoop of a brownstone. A quick shot to a street corner with what looks to be a puppet hooker (possibly Nadia) in a fur coat and two other puppets. They can walk!! Oh my God!! Turns out one of the puppets on the street is Constantine; a slight improvement wouldn’t you say? Another shot of Carrie puppet in the Ford. She throws a gang sign to A. Fed and Nikko puppet. West Coast puppets represent! A really quick shot of the Vonzell and Jessica puppet. Now they are all dancing. There is only so much you can do with puppets y’all. I see a puppet of Pig Boy which I thought would be very strange looking, but in actuality not so much. The Bo puppet is absolutely scary! It is now confirmed that the hooker puppet is actually Nadia. You know, This reminds me of the time that my mom and dad took me to see Sesame Street On Ice at the tender age of five years old. Ah, what a simple time. I revered Big Bird, felt a connection with Ernie and awed at the majesty that was Mr. Snufalufagus. That was until the freaky spawn of Satan puppets took to the ice. There they were, all human sized with awkward jerky body movements and cold lifeless eyes. The figure of Prairie Dawn scared the bejesus out of me for weeks! This is by far the most disturbing thing that I have seen on TV for a while my friends, and I have cable.

Thankfully, Seacrest doesn’t question the kids too much about the Fauxmmercial too much. They are already hiding their face in embarrassment, the pain is painfully obvious. Feeling the pain, Seacrest gets to the cutting. He tells us someone is out thanks to your votes. Gees, Seacrest we already have guilt, don’t make it worse!

Nikko Smith - Boring, useless, safe
Constantine Maroulissss - Very sassy tonight ‘tine, showing your teeth. Raaar! safe
Carrie Underwood - beautiful, patient, safe
BoBice! - Calm, too cool for school, safe
Nadia Turner - unjustly so, in the bottom three
Jessica Sierra - who? bottom 3
Scott Savol - Little Debbie can’t hear you if you don’t move your mouth Scott! Safe
Anwar Robinson, Vonzell Solomon, Anthony Federov

At this point, we are made aware that last week the exact same three were the last three to be told who is in the bottom three. Seacrest seems giddy with the coincidence of this happening two weeks in a row. Gee, Seacrest what if you had them sit in a different order each week. Problem solved! This isn’t rocket science! You know, I could really use a snappy gray suit. How much do they pay you?

Just because it wouldn’t be a formulaic Idol show without teasing us, Seacrest teases us. But we are too smart and saw it coming. After the commercial break we find that A. Fed and Vonzell are safe. Seacrest tells Anwar to join the girls. Anwar is like, "silly, I already have" tee hee.

Seacrest asks Simon if anyone still in the chairs should take the place of one of the bottom three. Simon makes no bones about it and says that Scott should be in Nadia’s place. The puppet host then asks Jessica if she expected to be in the bottom three. Surprisingly, after being ripped of her self esteem last night by being told that she is not likeable, she says no. Good for you! Time to send one of the kids back to the couch. Seacrest tries to make it suspenseful by doing a double negative to Nadia but it doesn’t work, we see through that too and she is safe. Still not satisfied with asking questions or being told to stretch time, whichever, Seacrest asks Randy (who he calls Jackson..gasp!) if he is surprised with the remaining bottom two. Randy says it is not about image or personality but the singing. Okay, what show has he been watching? You know better than to ask Paula, but we do anyway and she agrees with Randy…who apparently is now called Jackson because she uses that term too.

Quicker than two snaps up, Jessica is gone. When they announce it there is this really awful "Bum Bum Bum" music to accentuate her departure. Seacrest grinds the shards into her already damaged psyche by telling her that she has the lowest number of votes…ever!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaa. Just kidding. He does say that she had the lowest number of votes though, I wouldn’t be kiddin’ ya! Seacrest feels bad and tells her that he doesn’t want her to go. But she has to. Really she does. We also see Jessica’s bad camera side just before her video montage. In it, she says that she is wants to be remembered as a sweet, caring, compassionate person. Actually, I think she just wants to be remembered period.

The show ends with Seacrest remembering who pulls his puppet strings as he shills "Life on a Stick" up next. Jessica sings her way through the credits looking very Plant City with her halter top and ripped jeans. The camera focuses on the kids and for a very uncomfortable period of time, Carrie…who is not crying. Shot of the rest of the kids. No one is crying.