Little Miss Mess
Love will lead you back y’all. It does every single Tuesday, Wednesday and now Thursday night. I give props for those of you that stuck it out in the time machine on Wednesday night. MAD props. Me? I made my decision and I was stickin’ with it. So what if they gave out the wrong numbers. Was watching it all over again going to change my mind or anyone elses? If you watched tonight’s episode, I think you will find the answer to that question to be Nooooo. I can’t imagine the faces of all the giddy ticket holders as they were ushered into CBS Television City Studios hoping to see our kids do their rah-rah group sing-a-long; then be told that they were there instead to watch the giant video belt buckle display the same show that they watched the night before. I equate this to accidentally overselling the Tough to be a Bug show and then asking the nice people who waited in our pre-show to please step back into the Lobby and listen to another rousing rendition of “Auntie.”
Who knew that Fox needed a strong lead in for that awful looking “Life On A Stick” series premiere. Isn’t it funny how that worked out! Down to business
Seacrest greets us from his usual stump explaining how they jacked everything up. Even though I really didn’t hear the word’s “I’m Sorry” you just know that Ryan is. Seacrest has taken my advice on wearing a jacket. As we head off to the intro, Ryan gasps “Let cutting continues” Ewww. (Picture A.I. intro music coming in here)
Tuesday night was apparently a historic night. How so? Let Seacrest recount to you: Vonzell showed what she can do. This was the first time BoBice! went unplugged. Nikko seduced Paula with style…this last one I have a problem digesting as a historic “first” but you gotta throw the guy a bone I guess. Nikko gets mentioned!!!! There’s the first.
In the Crowd, a sign that reads “Don’t Fire the Phone #’s Guy.” Answer: “Thank you, thank you, we’ll not take that into consideration” (sincerely, Nigel Lithgow)
Seacrest asks us if anything changed. Before we can get to that, it’s time for the Triple Threat Kids! as the sing, dance and act their way through the first of our two Charity songs. Okay, let’s just stop for a second. I hope that I am not the only one here who is clueless on the direction or importance of this charity song. What is the charity? When is the other song going to be sung? When will we vote on either? I just can’t keep going on speculation any more!!!!
I was also annoyed that the two rotating American Idol signs on either side of the stage are out of synch.
Tonight’s song is “Hey Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother.” Here’s the play-by-play:
The song starts off fine with BoBice! doing what he now does best – sitting on a dark stage woefully, as he sings the first few strains. Next up is Constantine (two rockers in a row! Pace yourselves!) who adds an octave but sounds pretty good. Carrie’s hair is back down to earth and passes the lyric doobie on down the line to Nadia, who has decided to drop her Grace Jones schtick from last night. She sounds good by the way. Everything is fine until we get to Nikko Smith. Oooooh! For some reason he has the longest section of lyric. I feel the pain. I am guessing that this is out of his Sisqo range. Vonzell gets the next stab and throws it to Anwar. I have started to notice that Anwar has what I call Muppet face. Muppet face is warm and fuzzy, with glossy button-like eyes the size of coffee pots whose face is divided by a large mouth that goes completely from one side to the other. Muppet face. He has it. Jessica Sierra is next and then Anthony. So we must be getting ready to go to Mika….nooope we’re back to Constantine. Hey, there’s Pig Boy! Back to Anwar, then Nikko (but the Producers are merciful this time) who quickly shoots it over to Mikalah. Miks only has the mic for a nano-second before Anthony starts the final chorus. Nadia, Carrie, Bo and Vonzell all try to outdo each other vocally, but with lots of respect and love. That’s what you gotta love about this group of kids. They’re just good people!
Great choice of song, sung for the most part very well. Based on the reaction in my house when this was sung (I had to watch it twice) it was a hit. If and when we get down to deciding between two songs, this will be a strong choice for me. Of course after that America, you need to use the potty. Commercial Break!
Hope you weren’t gone the whole time…Fake Commercial alert!!!!
We are still selling the Ford Freestyle to the music of Smash Mouth’s “All Star” (no one has heard that song before). Inside some random guys house. And when I say random, I mean raaaaaandom. Random guy gets up to find his usual American Idols in his medicine cabinet. Usual in the way that he gives this no second thought. The last time something was waiting for me when I opened my medicine cabinet, it me the business end of some cuticle scissors. Carrie is on the second shelf playing with a way too big tooth brush (this guy keeps his tooth brush in his medicine cabinet) while Anwar is on the first shelf holding a large Q-tip and Anthony is just silly...with a do-rag. He is getting fashion tips from Scott Savol all of a sudden. Down below at the sink all hell is breaking loose. Pig Boy, Nikko and Mikalah are I guess just saying good morning because they aren’t doing anything to help Random Guy get ready. After seeing his visitors in the bathroom, he heads downstairs for some breakfast. He is of course dressed by this point. No mention of who was in the underwear drawer. So Random Guy having breakfast can’t be whacked right? Not if you don’t mind your spoon being delivered by Constantine, Jessica Sierra and Vonzell! Hey now! In case you were wondering where BoBice! and Nadia are, they are on his lap pulling his tie. I have no clue. They ran out of budget by that part. Anyway, no one was mistakenly eaten in the oversized bowl of cereal. Random Guy thinks he loses the mini A.I.4 cast by dashing out to his (shameless plug) but guess who’s in the glove compartment! Everything is cool though because they all smile and wave and he drives off to work thinking “Dang man, why couldn’t I be infested with the American Idol 2 cast!”
We come back from the Fauxmmercial and Ryan makes fun of Constantine, Jessica and Vonzell carrying the spoon. Thanks, that’s my job Ryan. Down to business. We have to pick the bottom three!
Since we have already had two previous nights of this, I won’t mention what each judge said about each contestant. Instead I will make up my own!
Nikko, “You just performed that song “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother,” It’s about you, and you are heavy.” But you are safe.
Constantine, “You don’t sound any better in two nights of playback. Dude, your teeth are freakin’ yellow!!!!” You are safe. By the way, shots of Constantine’s family and friends. One of them is John Waters…I swear!!
Carrie, “I love you, you are just so sweet. Sweet like the first dew in the morning resting on the velvety soft skin of a delicate rose.” SAFE! And humble too, you just don’t let any little ol’ thing get to ‘ya do ‘ya? There is a scary sign in the crowd that has some sort of snow glove and a four leaf clover on it that says Carrie…something.
BoBice! “If they make a BoBice! fragrance (God forbid) they must call it “Time in a Bottle.” This was your “Solitaire” dude! You are safe.
Nadia. “I really don’t care what the judges or anyone else had to say; you will be solely responsible for every girl who wears a Mohawk this year and therefore the bee’s knees to me. Unfortunately people are listening to Simon this season and you are in the bottom three.”
Jessica. “You think you are just allll that for finally singing something good and for getting to go last. What? What’s that? No Plant City to back you tonight huh? That’s what I thought. You’ll get yours blond #2!” You’re safe.
Mikalah, “Miks, I thought you were just going to be “the one” for me! You know? You were funny, irreverent, sassy and you had me flat out vaklempt! So what happened? You should stick to the schtick. If we cast the Broadway version of The Nanny, you’ll be the top of the list. Oh, a little less around the eyes, okay?” You are in the bottom three.
Pig Boy, “Listen, you sing well and all….hey! HEY! What are you doing? Who you lookin’ at up there?! Oh no, Debbie ain’t helping you out of this one!” Oh, you’re safe. Nice under the chin shot of Scott by the way. Eeesh.
Anwar, Vonzell, Anthony, “You all displayed okay performances and I’m really spent on satirical commentary as it is 11pm.”
Seacrest tricks us to think that Anwar is in the bottom three. Tee Hee. But we know better. Coke is pushing Coke tonight not Coke with Lime as previously planned. When the hell is regular Coke with Lemon gonna hit? I’m tired of all the diet drinkers getting this little piece of nirvana for 4 years now.
Nadia, Mikalah and Anthony are in the bottom three. I still believe that it’s just plain crazy Nadia is there and I’ll say it again, if you go first, chances are that you will end up in the bottom three…ala Anthony. That, and the fact that his performance was so-so. Seacrest asks Randy who he would save. Nadia! Paula can’t break the cheerleader mom oath and declares that ever saying so would be heresy. There is a moment of silence and then the audience starts this crazy blurting out of names (mostly Nadia) and it sounds like the Price is Right. In a complete surprise, Seacrest throws a lifeline to Anthony and not Nadia!
Okay, so not like it is really tense up there. Seacrest asks Nadia (although he pronounces it Nalia) if the journey ended (because you know it ain’t) if she would still feel the same about her performance. My girl stands proud and defends her “Time After Time” performance. Seacrest goes for the cut and Miks journey ends just like that. We see a shot of Jessica Sierra sobbing. Cut to video of little Miss Mess’s craaaazy journey to the final 12. Shot #2 of Jessica sobbing. There is a clip of Miks saying that she can’t cook, clean or walk her own dog. If we had only known!!! Shot #3 of Jessica in tears, this girl can cry! We come back to the stage where Mikalah says something very strange like “I’ll miss the beautiful contestants…you have a great ten! The fans…..Too many good compliments, you shouldn’t give so many good compliments” It’s so Barbara. Or a little like Sally Field’s Oscar acceptance speech in reverse. Either one.
With that, we get to hear “Love Will Lead You Back” one more time. This time with feeling! Shots of mom. Sorry mom. The credits are running and she is still singing. Hmmm, that’s odd. “Love will lead you baaaaa……” end.
And with that, the Producers cut a short career even shorter. Erev tov Little Miss Mess!