You’ve waited a week American Idol true believers, the time is upon you. The lights blink twice in the lobby, grab your Jujubes and Dom Perignon…it’s Idol: The Recital (B Cast). Seacrest screams at us in his asymmetrical black and white sweater. This is not your father’s Bill Cosby Sweater, this one has writing on it! There is a large stage light directly behind Seacrest so that when he moves a smidge to the right it engulfs his entire head. That is one heck of a large light my friends.
Signs! So many signs….the horror! I am giddy with delight as there is the potential to read so many signs. Seacrabs says that it will take two hours just to read all of the signs. I don’t have two hours Francis, move along. Giving credit to the unseen Artist Prep people, Seacrest says "The stage is set once more for the finalists to perform." No one is beneath Seacrest. Awwww. There is a sign in the House of Yes that has a picture of Simon’s head on a cow’s body. It says "Simon Cowell." Now that I have typed it, it doesn’t seem profound. Did I mention it was spelled "COWell?" No? My bad. There is also one of Randy’s head on a dogs body that says "Randy Dawgg." I’m not lying to you. This is some very original stuff. Do you think they meant that Randy is…randy?! Like in the British way? That would just be a coincidence I suppose. Oh the syntax of it all!
Seacrest informs us that three contestants are gone and that they were all girls. GIRLS I tell you! Will the next one voted off be a guy? Sooner or later it is bound to happen. This whole girl thing is really throwing off the very important ratio that we started out with. Somewhere a Mulfetta brother is weeping. Time to get to the Theme of tonight’s performance.
Theme, theme, who’s got the theme. To remind us that this was filmed last week after the Jessica Sierra going away bash, Seacrest is wearing his sharp gray suit. Deep inside the Coke room Seacrest lays hints like the Cadbury Bunny lays Crème Eggs. "What do you think of when I say Professor Henry Higgins…King of Siam?" Seacrest asks. Constantine thinks he knows. Shut up rocker! Anwar giggles with this hands over his mouth in the corner. Tee Hee. "How about Annie Oakley" (Nikko not paying attention in class gets called upon just as he is swigging his Coke…huh?) "Phantommmm?" Seacrest asks ever so knowingly. "SHOW TUNES!!!" the kidlets scream! I think they got it!
Pig Boy Scott Savol is up first. Boy is this a great pairing, B-Boy Scotty "The Body" and Cabaret! Pig Boy tells us that he don’t know too much about musicals (‘cept maybe for that one where the guy beats up his girlfriend). So I calls my moms and she suggests "Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha. Props to moms for the assist ‘yo. He tells us it’s the story of Don "Kee-ho-tee" (ne’ Quixote). Scott tells us that it fits his life’s story. Apparently there are windmills in his life’s story. Pig Boy is dressed in a nice dark suit with non-shaded glasses. The thin John Waters mustache is absent this week. Pig Boy looks like a televangelist tonight. He is very croony tonight and has some shaky moments, especially that last note. Come on! The last note is the one thing that you can count on in these Idol performances and he blew it. Plus he went first tonight. You know my formula. Welcome to the bottom three Pig Boy. There is a "Scott’s Got Soul" sign in the House of Yes.
Randy says that it is a tough song to sing as he winds up for the let down. Kinda shaky he says (here it comes), kind of a bang at the end. Not a bang-bang. Huh? Paula sensing that one of her young is wounded says that it is one of the most heartfelt performances she has seen. Simon is glum and says that is wasn’t extraordinary, just ordinary. After some banter he revises his statement to say ordinarily extraordinary. Huh(x2)?
We are late coming back from commercial so the world misses whatever smart thing that Seacrest has to say. It’s sweater time again! His sweater say’s "Look, my ribcage is all swirly and to the extreme left of my body!"
Hey it’s Constantine Maroulissss! He is going to sing "My Funny Valentine" from Babes in Arms which was also in the film "My Pal Joey" with Frank Sinatra. It was also abused in "Talented Mr. Ripley" but hearing it now just makes me think of Matt Damon singing it, and that just gives me the creepy jumblies. Clearly ‘tine is trying to win back the popularity vote from Bo this week. Notice how I didn’t say he is trying to win back the rock vote. This makes two weeks in a row that ‘tine has shelved the rock thing for awkward, off-the-beaten-path chick tunes. I hate to say it but he is doing a great job. No matter where you try to go to escape him, ‘tine’s coffee pot eyes follow you into your dark place. He’s everywhere! Towards the end, he just lets it rip in a very good arrangement of this cabaret staple. Randy doesn’t buy the whole rocker thing at all. This is the best that he has ever done. Paula (who has a bed sheet tied around her waist) says that she lost it. Really Paula? She admits it, she is falling for him. Move over MC Scat Cat! Raaawr! Simon looks jealous. Paula gives a shout out to Ricky Minor which not only this Season, but an American Idol first! We have given a shout out to the band leader. Yeah A.I. Band! Paula threatens with hugs. Simon uses a sponge to contain Paula’s gooey-ness. He gives ‘tine’s performance a six for vocals and a 9 and a half for pouting. Wow! That’s a great pouting score! Back at the toilet seats, Seacrest and his sweater ask ‘tine about his performance. Apparently ‘tine is made up of a lot of things, he brings lots of flavors (I see fragrance promotion coming!). Seacrest points out ‘tines coffee pot eyes that seem to follow you everywhere. It’s true, I’ve see them! ‘Tine smiles at us with that grin. Why can’t Crest Whitening be a sponsor of American Idol?
The delicious Carrie Underwood will sing "Hello Young Lovers" from The King and I. Carrie looks lovely tonight in a blue taffeta dress with a green diamond broach that is ever-so high up on her torso. Frankly, it rides the bosom y’all. The hair is back down tonight but it appears that she was napping on her left side in the Coke room as it is flat on that part of her head. Watching this performance makes me sick. Not due to Carrie’s performance by any means but because of the strange double vision I am getting from the actual camera moving in amplified by the video monitor showing the same thing, except jerky…like Body Wars. I am trying to think that she is sounding a little country which is her specialty. I am also wondering if that style fits in with this song. I then remember that I know nothing about this song except for the minute long version that the bugs sing at "It’s Tough To Be A Bug" and even then it is called "Hello Dung Lovers." I don’t think I’m qualified to make a decision either way. Randy says that it is a boring song and he really wanted to go to sleep but she kept it alive and sang it well. No flying notes, very good job. There is a sign in the House of Yes that puns Oklahoma. It says "I’d SOONER have Carrie." Paula elects herself as Speaker of the House of Yes by saying that everyone loved it. She also says that Carrie is a well oiled machine. Well goodness me. You can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the girl anywhere or she’ll spit hydraulic fluid all over the place. Simon coughs twice (in code I am thinking) and describes her performance like watching a washing powder commercial from a long time ago. Randy speaks for all of us and asks Simon what washing powder is. Simon corrects himself and says he meant to say soap powder. Thank you. Either way, we don’t care about any of that because it was good and we like Carrie U.
Commercial break. There are only seven weeks left of American Idol! Tomorrow night we are promised with an appearance of Fantasia where she will tell us what the hey happened to her album.
Look! It’s Vonzell Solomon. Vonzell will give us the gift of "People" from Funny Girl. She tells us that it was made into a movie. Reeeally? Wouldn’t it be amazing if it had Barbara Streisand in it?! It did?! She also shares with us that it her 30 hours to pick a song. There is a sign in the House of Yes that says "Vonzell is stupid" No?! I thought I saw one, I swear. She looks good and sounds okay. Come on and admit it with me, if Miks was still with us, this would have been her night. Show tunes…Barbara…Funny Girl! I’m vaklempt. Up on the giant video screen you can almost see up Vonzell’s nose, it’s disturbing. Randy says "dude" you get better every week. He just called her dude, dude. Paula says something strange like it was such a bold choice to pick a Barbara song but Barbara is Barbara and Vonzell is Vonzell. Sign in the House of Yes that says "Paula is stupid" No?! Must be me again, this guy is everywhere! Simon says that it is good, not great and that she just didn’t add the wow factor. The really nice Vonzell "baby" Solomon glossy signs are back this week, no elderly white couple though. Seacrest invites Vonzell back to the stools and asks her about her performance. She tells us that if she could do it all over again, she would. Just not take 30 hours this time, right?
Anthony Federov is going to "Climb Ev’ry Mountain" from The Sound of Music. If he tells me that this too was turned into a musical, I’ll scream. He doesn’t. I don’t. A. Fed thinks that this might be his "Solitaire," you just know it. I set myself up for a halfway rousing rendition "Climb Ev’ry Mountain" which is really the "Ave Maria" of that film, you must agree. Instead get cheesy syncopated rhythms and funky disco beats! Everything is there for a seventies version of this song but the wah wah guitars. A. Fed jerks in place like Simon Le Bon without the oozing sex appeal (NOT saying that Simon Le Bon has lots of oozing sex appeal…just more than Anthony). What has happened to this kid? For a while there he was the Producers answer to Clay. As of now, I wouldn’t even venture to say that he is the answer to Jon Peter Lewis - who in turn is the answer to Chuck Barris (if you really think about it). No, I think A. Fed is at the end of his rope on this show, Branson would be too good for what I heard tonight. Randy does not like it, not good at all. Paula has lost it again as she says that she liked it. She likes the arrangement that he and the band put together. Feel free to steal it for your new comeback album Paula! Simon just says hideous. Seacrest and A. Fed hold hands. I kid you not.
Commercial break. I thought I would pay attention to the commercials this time since I was ahead in my writing. There is a Kohl’s commercial. I have always seen Kohl’s advertisements on TV but have never found one in my Central Florida travels. Why do you tease me so with your Ice Cream Man commercials Kohl’s!!!!! Would I even like your products? They carry a Daisy Fuentes line of clothing for Mario’s sake! There is also a KFC commercial. I remember when they used to call it plain old Kentucky Fried Chicken. The KFC thing came along when they had the animated Colonel rapping about chicken. Bea Arthur is now boycotting the KFC due to their treatment of their chickens, so will I. I love Bea Arthur, she’s great.
Nikko Smith greets us after the commercial break with "One Hand, One Heart" from West Side Story. He picks it because blah blah blah and also because it is a duet (huh?) He actually sings a duet complete with a duet partner. Someone check the rule book on this one! Nikko is wearing his Mario tribute hat tonight and snazzy sweater vest combo. I like the brown polka dotted tie. There is a scary sign in the House of Yes that has a drawing of Nikko and some illegible words on it. Randy says his performance not his best although he keeps it contemporary. Uh, I think that was due to the synthesizer Randy. Paula calls him the comeback kid. Strangely there is a sign behind Paula that says the same thing. Hmmmm. Simon says it sounded out of tune.
We deserve another commercial break apparently. This time there is a Burger King commercial with a scary life-like Burger that peers into this guy’s bedroom window. I have seen this commercial before and it scares me no less during repeated viewings. Should I ever find his plastic mug there when I open my blinds in the morning, the last thing I will think about is a Bacon Egg and Cheese biscuit. The Burger King is scary. Scary voice too. There is a commercial for the new Infiniti "M." Very nice. Dunkin Donuts is pushing their new breakfast sandwich without the help of scare tactics thank you. It actually looks pretty good too except that there is a layer of "something" just above the layer of egg. It appears to be the same sauce you find on the Filet o’ Fish at McDonald’s but I can’t be certain. Why are they marketing breakfast sandwiches to me at night anyway and not Crest Whitening? There is the same commercial for the Infiniti "M" again. Hmmm. Must buy one of those.
Seacrest doesn’t let us down and appears from the Sound Booth. Notice no shout out to the Sound Booth guys as of yet? Anwar Robinson is singing "If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. Anwar knows a thang or two about musicals. See, in 1960 Richard Burton and the fabulous Julie Andrews starred in the Broadway version and then in the film version made in 1967, Richard Harris took the role of Lancelot, who sings this rousing little ditty. Once again we see Anwar’s Victorian Vampire jacket this time accompanied by a little Lenny Kravitz number with all kids of ruffles and scarves, plus bell bottoms! Stylistically I think he does very good. Muppet goodness Randy welcomes Anwar back. From where I don’t know. Paula says that the second he smiles he melts America’s hearts. You may be able to speak for the House of Yes Paula but I didn’t see you on the ballot for America honey. Paula says that technically he is the best singer. Argument ensues in my household whether she meant technically or technically (as if there should be a comment following the statement). Simon can only muster "You seem very comfortable." Great. Someone wind Simon up.
Are you ready? It’s BoBice! Bo is singing "Corner of the Sky" from Pippin. Why?!! Bo has his fingers crossed that he will do well. This is just not Bo’s night. I can’t get a real feel for who is the better rocker tonight as neither one of them really rocked anything with their performances. Although, Constantine’s was technically better. That’s technically followed by a "but". Let’s face it, these are show tunes. Bo’s outfit is suspect though. First of all, it is all leather. The shirt resembles red wet internal organs and the pants are brown chocoately goodness. I miss the puppet Bo. Shot of Bo’s friends and family, who appear to be the country group Alabama. Randy likes it actually. Paula is incoherent and says (let me translate) packenerofingerin crossing your fingers and legs. Because she hasn’t disliked any of her kidlets this season, I am assuming she liked it. Simon says that he has now had two bad weeks on the show. Booos from the House of Yes. There is a girl booing but quickly realizes that the camera is on her and turns all smiles and raises her neon green sign that says "Go Bo!" Hiya mom! I am thinking Bo should have sung "Jesus Christ Superstar" or at the very least "Hair!"
Our last little poppet to go is Nadia "Take Me Home" Turner with "As Long As He Needs Me" from Oliver. Nadia is beautiful in a full length white gown with irregular straps. Again very edgy but beautiful at the same time. She sounds good too. Getting every dollar from that dress Nadia parades proud around the stage as if she were Maria Callas at the Met. Except this isn’t opera and I had to Google Maria Callas to make the reference. But anyway, you get the picture. This is a perfect song for her beauty and style, or at the very least she sings it to fit her beauty and style. Randy, Paula and Simon all give their comments - all good! Before the crowd is even done applauding. Great! You’re in for next week. Next! Simon comments that Seacrest shouldn’t be allowed to pick the musical themes again. Hey, just what exactly is he implying there! Just because a man has highlights in his hair and holds hands with other male contestants does not mean he picked show tunes deliberately. Honestly!
And with that, we close our show. Thank you 19 Entertainment, Thank you Freemantle Media, Thank you Ford, Thank you Coke, Thank you Ricky Minor. I wish I could Thank Crest Whitening Strips. Thank you Singular. Thank you Great White Way. Thank you all!