Hello AIG’s (American Idol Groupies)!!! Broadcasting from the Lime flavored Coke-themed bathroom of former Idol contestant Mikalah Gordon, deep in the heart of the Idolville apartment complex off La Brea in the trendy Dorothy Chandler district, its recap time!! I am so glad to be sending you this email from the Idol inner-sanctum. Miks must have left in a hurry, the place is littered with eye liner (lots of eye liner!) and crazy glue! If she could only be here now to see the show finally punching into high gear. The camps are set, personalities are defined, it is all but signing on the dotted line for some lucky contestant. Too bad it isn’t you Miks. HA!!!! But I’m here to do a job and that is to write the bestest recap I can with what the good Producer gives me. For the love of Mario, please let it be meaty!!! I had a lot of theories regarding tonight’s show, only one of which proved to be correct. Will it be a guy or will it be a guy this time? I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s recap the night’s festivities shall we? And I know you want me to!
The show starts with the usual flashy lineup. Oooooh, Constantine looks all serious, he is trying to stare at you through the camera. Hey Con, you really can’t seduce someone through the TV. I know for a fact. I once thought that Edna Garrett from Facts of Life was coming on to me but it turns out she just has that head twitch thing. Hey! Anthony Federov looks like it’s his first day of school, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. He always looks that way during the lineup. Vonzell of course looks like she’s watching a Rainbow Brite cartoon, she will come back down once her glossy signs are lowered. Pig Boy cracks me up. The way he is wearing his hat it makes him look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Scott’s chin hair has grown since yesterday. Filling in nicely.
Because he forgot to tip the Production Assistant, The Head comes out from the side of the stage instead of the prized behind the video screen entrance. I like his outfit tonight. It makes him look like the dark prince of Diesel. It also appears that The Head has dyed his hair brown. He will soon be completely identical to Billy Bush. He starts the night off by again telling us that when someone goes home tonight, we are the ones who have sent them packing. He also introduces the judges. They are still Randy, Paula and Simon. Over to the comfy elimination couches and our seven (I hate the number seven) final Idols.
Shameless Self Promotion Alert!!!
The Head greets the kids and immediately asks Bo what it is like to be famous. It couldn’t be any more planted, this question. Bo reads his lines and twists in place uncomfortably. He is not sure what it is like to be as famous or conceited as Ryan Seacrest. Hey, Did you know they unveiled a Ryan Seacrest star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today?(yes, they are that easy to get). It’s true!!! It is right in front of the lingerie/small appliances store. Hey!!!!! It just so happens that there is a video presentation the "kids" have put together in honor of the dedication of Ryan Seacrest’s star. For the first time ever we get to hear Ken Warwick and Nigel Lithgow speak, sort of. Did you know that Seacrest is the best thing since sliced bread? If you notice in the background when Ken and Nigel are being "interviewed" there is this funny picture on a table of Ryan posing as if they were his High School Senior portrait. It is so over the top it is almost funny. They tell us that he really deserves it, they tell us this several times. To prove this, there are clips of Seacrest screwing up over and over again while filming segments for this show. He flubs being able to say one sentence in French and the sight of him scares a flamingo, giraffe and a herd of goats. He also knocks on the wrong door of a hotel room disturbing the poor inhabitants inside. He also fails miserably at having a career in radio. Priceless! Somewhere Brian Dunkleman is weeping violently. The Head is so "shocked" by this surprise video presentation. Like, he totally forgot that was earlier that morning! How ever did they fit that into the show without him knowing? Where was this during rehearsals? Gosh, it is almost enough to leave him speechless….almost. For this, Seacrest truly deserves a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the acting was impeccable.
Oh, there’s a show to do? Okay, thanks for the star video thing kids one of you has to leave! Before we go on, the Producers want you to know that the Red Cross CD single (but really three songs) is out in stores now. Buy it or you will make them look silly. SILLY I tell you!!! If the strange mix of Seventies night and Seacrest’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame wasn’t enough to make you feel like you had been sniffing ammonia, along comes John Farrar!!!! Who is John Farrar you ask? Why, we’ll be happy to tell you. In lieu of creepy guest judges, we have an undead Australian composer who has taken the time to write a song especially for the kids called ……………called…………………….I’m not exactly sure what it is called but the chorus is "A moment like this to shine." The song is about as bubblegum as you can get and I’m suspicious if it doesn't’t rip off at least half of the hit pop songs from the past 10 years. Not a lot of recognition for John, just a quick nod to the fact that he wrote some songs a looong time ago. True, they were probably some of the best freakin’ songs ever but still, get this man a coffin! The song is strange on so many different levels. Literally on so many different levels, because some are up on little platforms and others are higher platforms. Also, Bo and Carrie and Anwar are all playing their own instruments. It’s totally like Nashville Star! Hey, does this give Bo the rocker edge to Constantine? Our pal Con isn’t playing anything but the cameras, which he of course has down to a fine art. At first I think that Carrie isn’t really playing guitar at all, but then she changes chords to I start believing it a little bit. I am pretty sure that Anwar really does know how to play the piano but since the camera was at a weird angle, it makes it look like he is pressing meat into little hamburger patties at a grill. My mind tends to wander so. The song showcases a lot of duets also. There is the Bo and Carrie duet and the Vonzell and Pig Boy duet. I think as a group, they all just sound like someone screaming at you. As pairs though, they tend to sound a lot better. Case in point the Vonzell and Pig Boy duet. I may not care for either one as a contestant but they really sounded good together. Oh, Vonzell is back with yet another crazy belt. Girl just loves her belts! They have also paired Constantine and A. Fed up to do a duet together, this one doesn’t sound so good. Someone is really high pitched during their duet but I can pinpoint both of their voices so it must be someone else……AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! It’s the ghost of Lindsey Cardinale masquerading as the animated corpse of Julia D’amato!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sorry, but I was just sitting here for about eight minutes with writers block so I thought you all would like a visit from Lindsey. It could happen!!!
More fun as we come back from the real commercial…it’s the fake commercial. This week the kids have been animated to look like they are at a car hop in the 1950’s to the tune of "Rock This Town" by the Stray Cats. They’re kind of cute as their heads are morphed to remain bulbous and their bodies are really small. They are sort of like little Hello Kitty Idols. Of course that wretched Ford car is there but the action really takes place at the car hop. Pig Boy and A. Fed are do-whoppers (strangely Pig Boy looks less scary that I suspect they could have made him). Vonzell has been reduced to the role of waitress while Bo is cooking the burgers (shudder). Carrie is driving her daddy’s car without him knowing of course. I forget where Anwar is but you know he’s there somewhere, more Muppety than ever. It cracks me up that Constantine is the greaser! He actually looks much better with his hair slicked back into a pompadour. The 50’s would have been good for him. Hilarity ensues and somehow Vozell messes everything up and tosses a shake on Constantine’s head. Those kids, what will officer Krupke think?
Time to eliminate one of the seven. The Head tells us that last night was billed as the most energetic show yet. Unfortunately Bright House didn’t carry that particular show so I guess I’m out. Anyway, he tells us that tonight they are going to try something different. The Producers are going to have the seven kids split into two different groups. One group will be the bottom group and one will be the top. What? That’s not completely different? They did that last year? Shhhhhh! You weren’t supposed to remember that! They have to keep it fresh for all the A.I newbies out there….just play along! Sheesh!
The first group (we’ll call them the Sunshine Gang) is started by Vonzell "Baby V" Solomon. Next to be announced and forming his own group (we’ll call them the Canker Sores) is Anthony Federov. Well, might as well have some fun with it as this is about as easy to read as Shampoo directions. The next person called is Constantine Maroulissss. He gets to make happy with the Sunshine Gang! This is fun! Anwar is next and he joins the Sores over by the elimination couches. It is back and forth from here on out with Carrie joining Vonzell and Constantine and Pig Boy joining A. Fed and Anwar. You just really don’t know which…group…will…be…in…the…bottom...three. But wait, Bo is just chillin’ up on the couches all by his lonesome. Bo is safe and he may chose to join which group he feels is the safe group. Ever the hippie, he choses to stand in between the two groups. The Head suspects he would do so and rips off the thin veil of surprise by telling him to join the Sunshine Gang. Hey! It looks like it is A. Fed, Anwar and Pig Boy in the bottom three. Go figure.
I was saying earlier that I had some theories about the bottom three. The one I guess wrong was that Constantine was not in it, based purely on past history and the fact that every Idol to leave the show so far has always gone first on performance night. So that theory is now debunked. Which also proves a semi-theory I had that we are now at a point in the competition that camps are truly formed and no matter what the performance is like, the fan base alone will carry the person out of the bottom three. In this case, Constantine just loooooves the ladies and the ladies just looooooves the Con man. (shudder)
The second theory I had that did come true was that it would be an all boy final three. I know that pure mathematics would indicate this to be so but I still like to think that Carrie will probably win this whole shebang and Vonzell will cling on like a cockroach until the very end. But who of tonight’s bottom three will be going home? I’m giddy with anticipation. Sausage fingered Pig Boy? Milky white androgenon A. Fed? Delicious and sassy Anwar Robinson? Ooooooh!!!
We pick Anwar to focus our Paula question on tonight. Why is Anwar in the bottom three? Like a political scandal in Florida, Paula never lets us down. She does not know. The Head knows what to do in a situation like this. Proving he is truly worth his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, he coldly tells Pig Boy and A. Fed to cross in front of Anwar because they are safe. Not sure why he had to add crossing in front of Anwar, but he did. Did I mention Ryan’s star is for his contributions to radio?! No bearing on anything really, just wanted to make sure that was out there. My mind wonders ever-so at this time of night.
And with a poof and some jazz hands, Anwar is history. No more Muppet face, no more purple velvet vampire jacket. The "technically" best signer has been vanquished from the glow of the giant video screen. Anwar may now go back and do the greater good and teach young minds the joys of singing. He can now clear out that room in the Idolville apartments so Pig Boy can stash his Little Debbies. Anwar is free to answer personals or whatever he feels like, but he knows he left his mark on American Idol. He was smooth, sassy and delicious!
I will catch you all next week for the final six in action! Hey, I hear next week is Country, so there is hope for another exciting episode you just can’t miss!
Just for your viewing pleasure, I thought I would grab a few of the headlines off the Idol Community Boards so you can see what you’re missing!
Here are just a few of tonight’s topics! Enjoy your nice, normal, sane life!
"Carrie Underwood - OMG Group Song, Carrie Amazing"
Carrie was absolutely outstanding tonight. Her voice was perfection! Please let them let Carrie do more songs with her guitar!
I don’t think Anthony got contacts to be like Clay Aiken, I think Scott sat on them and he had no choice!
"Do you think Bo is Hot and how old r you?"
I am 45 and tonight I could hardly stand it BO looked so great...I wanted to touch his hair it looked so soft (my hubby's bald and beautiful!)
"The Bunny is sad"
Bye Anwar all of the bunnies will miss you!
Ryan was GREAT tonight and looked GREAT as usual! Few is it hot in here or what? Ryan does it to Me ALL the time! He is one fine.........well use Your imagination!!
BUMP....OMG......I am still sizzling!!
Somebody talk to ME!!!