Do you smell what the Seacrest is cooking!!!! Get your bibs on folksies, it’s elimination time!!!! Were you all tense today? I know that I sure was; who could be eliminated tonight? If you think about it, Carrie could because she went first and got pretty poor reviews. Bo could because he looked like a Montana militia member (Freebird!!!). Constantine could because….well, he shamed even the shoddiest of karaoke professionals. Anthony could because he was so forgettable, I can’t even remember what he sang. Pig Boy could because it is fun to think about and there are really too many reasons to contemplate. The only person who stood the best chance of standing tall was Vonzell and I can’t bare the thought of her winning this thing so let’s pretend that there was something wrong. Maybe some of her voters lost cell coverage last night. Ahhhh, that makes me feel better. Whether I like it or not, speculation is put to rest because in a mere twenty two minutes, all will be revealed.
The Head opts for the side entry to the stage tonight because there are some neat celebrities sitting on that side. I would like to think that he was held up at the security guard gate because they didn’t know who he was. As a last ditch resort, Seacrest just flashes the Polaroid of his shiny new star he carries with him at all time, and all is well. We are introduced to the judges. They haven’t changed from last night; they are still Randy Jackson, Paula Poppins and Simon Cowell. Pink is definitely Paula’s color but the whole ensemble tonight makes her look like a Pepto cheerleader. Behind Seacrest there is a Power Point presentation gone awry. The guys in the tech booth screw things up and flash the thumbnail for "Last Night" on the screen before he is ready. Seacrest is oblivious…or distracted, for it is Pamela Anderson and the whole darn crew of Fox’s new "hit" show "Stacked." Like a vampire, The Head is at her neck enjoying the view, which he also comments on to the cameras. Even Pam is offended by this and I am assuming that is a hard thing to accomplish. Great Scott! How did Christopher Lloyd let himself deteriorate to this level? He absolutely looked like a wooden ventriloquist dummy sitting next to Kid Rock’s chew toy. It sure was nice of them to take time out of their busy mid season replacement finale to come to the show. Surprisingly, "Stacked" is on next!
Before you can get uncomfortable in your skin, we launch right into the kid’s Von Trapp impersonation with tonight’s Sing-Song! Because every connection on Idol is loosely based on some other connection, we are connecting the Bee Gee’s "Emotions" with the remade version by Destiny’s Child from 2001 (as last night’s theme was songs of the new Millennium). The fewer kids we have left, the better the sing-song sounds. I notice that when not allowed to choose their own songs, they kids sound pretty good presenting their material. Case in point is Constantine, although lecherous and creepy, this song suits his voice and he sounds very nice. Pig Boy even manages to transcend his usual B-Boy performance. I am a little taken back by his high note though, it is so uncharacteristic that you can see Paula’s neck snap in place as she looks at Simon in surprise. Then along comes The Vonz. Seriously, not picking on her but did she forget the lyrics completely or is there a long "Whoooooaaaaa yeaaaaah yeaaaaaah" refrain in that song? Let me check….ummmm, nope. But somehow it gets added here. But that’s okay, she’s popular and she knows karate! As the camera pans back they have paired boy/girl on either side of the stage with only the two rockers in the center of the stage. Cute.
The next big moment in the evening is the fauxmmercial. This week the kids are covering T-Rex’s "20th century Boy." And who exactly is the 20th Century boy? It’s Anthony Federov silly! In what can only be called "high art," A. Fed is depicted as a chameleon of sorts blending in to all of his surroundings as he secretly plays with his little remote controlled Mustang (a Ford product!). First he is the refrigerator and then he is a lamp! The car is absolutely driving all the kids crazy. Where did it come from? Where is it going? Will it leave stains on the carpet? Why are we all living in the same modest house…we may be co-dependant but we’re rich!!! A. Fed’s secret powers elude the housemates as he works his way through each room in the house and past each Idol. What is his master plan in doing this exactly? Who knows, that is why it is called high art my friends. If they would have just added a symbolic red balloon and French subtitles, it would be an art house classic. I would like to tell you that they all lived happily ever after but I assume that in a poorly timed twist of fate, poor A. Fed accidentally blends in with the toilet just before Pig Boy begins his morning rituals. Sad but true.
Alright, the floor show is over. Time to play the serious music. Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum. Hey! Clay is back! That makes two nights in a row. Man, this boy is hooked! Oh, before we get started, The Head takes a moment to tell us that we have just sent the Red Cross American Idol CD to #1 on the Billboard charts. Did we get to vote on this or does someone have access to Billboard’s computer main frame? Don’t forget synergy! The Head also reminds us that there can never be enough American Idol as they are launching American Idol - The Magazine! Just don’t get a paper cut, the section on Paula’s road to recovery is razor sharp! In the House of Yes there is an appearance by Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show…I’m pretty sure.
Since it worked so well last time, we are going to split the group in two. "Pee-Yew" and "Smells like Puppies." The Vonz drew the short straw this week and sits on the end of the upper section so she goes first. She blows fake kisses and goes to the left of our screen to head up the Pee-Yew group. Of course, I am only assuming she is in this category, it’s a hunch because…Carrie is next and she gets to start the other group. Not to offend but I am thinking that even though she got mixed reviews, Carrie’s fan base is a lot stronger than Vonzell’s so of the two, my money would be on Carrie to be the safest. I assume that Carrie has just started the "Puppies" group. Bo is next and he also joins Carrie’s group. I am definitely thinking that this is the Smells Like Puppies group. A. Fed is told to join Vonzell and the look on both of their faces is truly priceless as they both know they suck. But the reassuring smile on Vonzell’s face tells me that she thinks she sucks less…diet suck if you will.
Okay, so in a move to garner the Americana type flag waving that Bo received last week by standing solid in between the two groups, Constantine and Pig Boy are both pulled down on stage and asked which group they think they belong in. Lest you think that they display the same selflessness that Bo displayed last week, think again. Both freak shows quickly run to the Smells Like Puppies group much to the shrieking horror of Vonzell and A. Fed. The House of Yes breaks out into an uproar. Finally some controversy on American Idol 4! Oh the horror of it all, Pig Boy is grinning like an overfed cat and Constantine is nervously doing an Ashlee Simpson hoe down, they are both completely embarrassed by the crowd’s cheers/jeers as it sets in that they just sold their Idolmates down the river. To make matters worse, one of them has guessed their popularity incorrectly. Ouch! Who will it be? The Head points out that one of them is safe and you can see Pig Boy mouthing something to the effect that he should just go ahead and move on over to the Pee-Yew group. But this is no ordinary season of American Idol. Noooooo. In this season, vegetables can talk and pigs can fly. Pig Boy’s anyway as it is announced that Pig Boy chose correctly and Constantine should move over to the other group. All of a sudden Hellzapoppin’ in the old House of Yes. I’m glad that I wasn’t in stone’s throw of a few rabid forty five year old Con groupies.
When we return from commercial, we find our bottom three of Vonzell, A. Fed and Constantine. Clearly there is a lot of explaining to do but fortunately we don’t get to ask Paula or we’d probably be there all night. The question of the half hour though is why oh God why isn’t Pig Boy standing somewhere in the midst of those three contestants. Since Simon told Scott to pack his bags last night (and he still hasn’t learned that anything he predicts has the opposite effect on the voting public), he is asked to give his thoughts. Simon just smiles and takes the high road and congratulates Pig Boy on having so many people vote for him. No slams, no digs. I assume that Simon is happy enough with Vonzell and A. Fed represented in the bottom three. Meanwhile, as Simon is giving Pig Boy his accolades, there are serious boos from the House of Yes. It is so funny.
Time to send someone back to the safety of the elimination couches and another week of Idolville apartment living. But just as Constantine is about to make his way back to the platform, The Head drops another bomb on us. Vonzell is safe! Gaaah! The copious amount of chanting that I did prior to the commercial break clearly did not pay off. I wonder if I didn’t use enough chicken blood? Hmmmm. Any way, all is not lost. With Anthony Federov gone, the collective Idol weight only goes down 110 pounds, I think we can handle it. Plus, the gym will be freed up for…….someone to use, I’m sure.
Another grueling commercial break and when we come back, A. Fed has his glasses on (not seen since episode 2!) in a last ditch effort for everyone to remember the Hallmark story we all fell in love with way back in auditions. Because I think people were just waiting to hear Anthony’s name or for whatever reason, it doesn’t register right away that Constantine is off the show. I know that his performance was HORRIBLE!!!! last night but for him to go from critic’s darling to having less votes than freakin’ Anthony Federov?! Something is wrong with this picture. On the other hand, the irony is delicious! The deafening roar in the House of Yes is amazing. Someone has just upset the apple cart. Momma bear is definitely not happy…now we get to talk to Paula. You can just see the Botox running out of her face; it is the greatest shot of the evening. She can hardly control her tears as she tries to reason with why Constantine got the axe. Make that the second greatest shot of the evening. The first being the one they show next. Paula’s face gives Tammy Faye’s a run for its money, she looks like a Pepto racoon! Meanwhile Vonzell, either clueless or a complete [heeeey], is just smiling away up in the elimination couches…oh, and waving. It’s amazing and a little shameless. I check the message boards and they are out of control tonight. Some pretty funny stuff on there too. Don’t worry I’ll spare you the gory details.
One last time, we get to hear exactly why Constantine’s "rock" career was cut short as he heats up the leftovers for us. He has fun with it finally but still doesn’t manage to make it sound pleasant. I can only imagine what is going through his mind right at this moment. I know he did not expect to lose the rocker battle so early. Bo has it easy from here on out after proving his status as cock of the henhouse. It doesn’t really matter though, did you see the look on Con’s face? He’s not worried, his band Pray For The Soul Of Betty is due to release their album on May 10th. Didn’t know that huh? Timing is everything I guess. During Con’s song, we see Paula has made her way over to Constantine’s mother and his face hugging her like something from Aliens. Scary. Not like Paula is showing favoritism or anything. Even during his last song, as he pops and kicks through a most lazy rendition of the song that got him kicked off, I can’t escape the greasiness of his whole aura. Tussling his dirty locks from side to side and exposing his yellow teeth, he is just creepy up until the last note.