Wednesday, May 04, 2005

American Idol Recap 04/04/05 - Move Over Bacon!

Move Over Bacon!

That amazingly bright light you see before you? It’s the voice of sanity…finally. It also smells a bit like Sizzilean. You can tell that someone’s future is bright because Bo’s gotta wear shades. And some shades they are! Lordy! "Excuse me officer, this is Bono, some crazy hillbilly wookie ran up in here and stole my face goggles! Get him!" Don’t worry, I can make fun of Bo because he ain’t going nowhere, I can just feel it. Let’s see, Pig Boy did such an amazing job last night and everyone on that one website ( is voting for him so he must be safe this week. See, he’s so lucky that he can act cocky now that he knows a jillion people got his back. Don’t go buying any lottery tickets with this one, I say. How on earth can there be any way that this show will disappoint tonight knowing that with any ounce of sanity, we will all come away in a half hour with big giant Little Debbie-eatin’ grins on our faces? Life is hot.

To add spice tonight, we get a special appearance from a guest host. Direct from Miami, it’s Ryan Seacrest Vice! Sorry man, they already have Colin Farrell to play the part in the film adaptation. Besides, even though you got that fancy star and what not, a freakin’ Irish dude was chosen to pull off that role over you. Sorry peach cheeks, there’s always hope for Silver Spoons: The Movie!

Oh, the number of hits the website gets is a little under where the Producers would like it to be so The Head is told to remind us to go check it out. You can vote for your favorite video in the Ford Video Casting Call. Remember that? Me either. You can also check out what he was babbling about last week when he talked about that crazy American Idol magazine that should be hitting the Take One Free box outside of every Denny’s or you can go see the top 10 finalists (including the winner I assume) in concert with the Idols Live show. It’s gonna be delicious!

So this season has been a little dry on drama, no? Well, other than that phone throwing incident we heard about earlier with Pig Boy and possibly Anwar’s personal ad (that I am really mad he didn’t reply to…Thank you very much Anwar). But the song in tonight’s sing-a-ding-a-ding-dong segues really nicely into the puss bubble that is boiling in real time underneath the skin of American Idol. Poor Paula, she just gets mixed up with all the wrong people. First it’s that MC Scat Cat and now Cory Clark. Constantine should thank his lucky stars he got out when he did! Fittingly, the kids will be singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water." Now, I am not sure if this was planned as a symbolic gesture or not but the timing is impeccable. I was also a little miffed that they were going to take on a song made famous by Clay Aiken’s rendition two years ago. Remember the good old days when you would be talking about someone’s performance over the water cooler? Good times. I find it funny that it takes five people to sing a song that took only one person to sing…and his sounded good. This one only sounded decent. The song itself and the genius behind its composer take most of the credit. But when something ain’t broke, why fix it. Sure, the crowd will love it! If they were trying to be symbolic, I would have chosen "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen or possibly even Chicago’s "Hard Habit to Break" to emphasize all of Paula’s problems. After the song is over, Carrie and Vonzell are awkwardly directed off stage (at first I thought Carrie just ran off) and they both come back with bouquets of flowers and give them to "the judges" although it is clear that they are meant for Paula. I think it is very sweet of them to do that. Paula is going through such a rough time right now I almost feel bad for making light of the situation…and for making fun of Paula’s behavior. Besides, I truly believe that all replicant clones with Vicadin and lime flavored Coke addictions act that way because they just can’t help it. I am truly sorry Paula, I will no longer make fun of you…I will just point out the obvious.

I don’t know if you noticed but Carrie is wearing a giant car hood ornament around her neck.

When we come back from the Hallmark moment that just happened on stage, we get to see this week’s fauxmmercial. I can’t believe they did it but they used a ska band as their cover this week. "A Message to You Rudy" by the Specials. Of course it is sung by the American Idol kids (and Pig Boy) so it isn’t going to be iconic and cool. The concept of the commercial this week is cute though. Apparently the irresponsible Anthony Federov has left the keys inside the car on a hot day with the windows rolled almost the whole way up…and he has left the dog in the car. Call the ASPCA! Tsk tsk tsk. By the way, did I miss the episode from Idolville when the kids went and got a dog? Where was Rudy when all the crazy stuff with the miniature Constantine was running around in the medicine cabinet or when A. Fed was hiding next to the fire hydrant in his camouflage, that could have been messy. Try as they might they cannot seem to actually talk to the dog and tell him that they need the keys. The dog is just fine with this because they all drive him nuts except for Vonzell. Well, let me clarify…she is okay on Tuesdays because that is the day she doesn’t talk. Unfortunately this was shot on a Saturday. I personally would have called Gary’s Locksmith to come and fix the whole thing but I wasn’t there. Clearly this Ford product does not come with OnStar. Luckily, the kids know Paula and she is great with dating! She has loaned Vonzell a picture of this really cute dog in which to lure Rudy to the window along with the precious keys. It seems to do the trick and about time because they were all wanting to use the car to go to In n’ Out Burger and Pig Boy is about ready to go ninja on someone if they don’t get rollin’. All is well as the kids roll off in their Ford and surprisingly remember to take the dog with them. On the way to the freeway, they pass the girl dog in the photo but unfortunately and Rudy does a double take. Unfortunately, she is currently involved but that’s okay with Rudy because she’s eye candy anyway.

Time for the line-up. It is cool that they can all fit on one couch now. I wonder what happens with the other couch now that they are done using it? A. Fed is sans glasses tonight. It is also his birthday today! Man that would suck getting kicked off American Idol on your birthday. Nothing like remembering that you suck every year on your birthday when someone mentions it. "Hey, A. Fed, remember that time when you sucked?" Nah, can’t picture it. The Head is quick with it this week because he needs to return the suit to Twentieth Century Fox. A. Fed is told to go have a seat back on the couch. Well that is nice, early birthday treat…he’s safe. Vonzell is told to stay right where she is. Hmmm, well I guess I’m listening to ol’ mail sacks another week. Pig Boy is next and he is told to go take a seat on the couch with A. Fed. He walks away pumping his sausage fingers into fists up in the air, he knows that acting cocky will get you everywhere. You go get ‘em Pig Boy. It is too funny, you can see A. Fed shaking his head at Pig Boy as if to say "no, no, no." Next up, BoBice! is told to stay on stage. Errrrr!? Wait a second….if Bo is staying on stage with Vonzell but A. Fed who got bad reviews is sitting on the couch…waaaait a second. Are the Producers trying to make me think that the couch is bad and the stage is good? Oooooh, those guys. They ought to write for Alias or Lost or something. They is clever!
Carrie is staying on stage as well. The jig is up! The Head reveals to us our sinking suspicion. They couch represents the lowest number of votes. So much for the vote for the wrong Idol website. Nice try guys.
When we come back from commercial Pig Boy and A. Fed are ready to sing for their merciful release from this mortal coil. A. Fed suddenly has his glasses back on. Hey guys, remember me?! Remember I’m the one with the glasses you all liked so much? Doesn’t it remind you of a kitten with big saucer eyes? No? Drat.

I notice that in the reprise of Pig Boy’s song, there is a lyric that says something about his "hommies." I think that is just too funny. He is so white. He doesn’t even look phased by the fact that he is in the bottom three either. I wonder if he is just calm and cool like this always or yet another cocky self indulgence. A. Fed or Pig Boy, the thought of it is exciting. Randy is asked what he thinks about the Pig Boy being in the bottom three. He says that all he knows is the correct people are sitting on the couches over there. The respect that Bo showed a few weeks ago is gone because Vonzell just raises her hands over her head and claps and blows fake kisses to her kingdom. Smooches! Paula just rolls her eyes in abstract shapes and says that Pig Boy knows who he is. She is also glad that she did not date Pig Boy. There are three hotties also that think the same thing, but at least they got in to see American Idol. Simon is accused of not paying attention to the show but turns the conversation on Ryan by saying that it is hard to concentrate when he is dressed like that. Clearly a nerve is touched and Seacrest lashes back with "yeah, well you have a baby doll tee on." Oooooh, good one. Go polish your "contributions to radio" star Seacrest.

A. Fed sings. Whoopie.

Probably the best Jedi Mind trick used this season comes next when The Head tells A. Fed he has bad news tonight. (long pause) They forgot to get him a birthday gift but how about kicking that hammy mess Pig Boy off the show for a present? Wheeeeeeee! Zing!

Oh the humanity…for Cleveland. Stick a fork in him, he’s done baby! I can imagine the quality of life in the Idolville apartments will go up dramatically after tonight, not to mention the air quality. In his farewell video, we are reminded that despite all of his freak show qualities, he really does have a beautiful voice. We also learn that once the novelty of that wears off, he is just a freak show. The only thing missing from that video is a clip of the guy way back during auditions that first coined the term Pig Boy. He sadly is not represented in their view of Pig Boy’s journey. I guess they just aren’t watching the same show I’m watching.

Oh, our beloved saint Little Debbie, we return to you this excellent servant of your flock. Take him unto your snack cake kingdom and let him spread his vocal goodness throughout your halls. Lay gently a harp into his little sausage fingers to pluck tenderly. Fit him in the whitest of white velvet B-Boy attire (and we do mean white!). Verily I say unto you, watch your back, this one throws phones!

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