Even in the midst of a press event and a red eye flight back from Los Angeles, here I am with your weekly American Idol recap. Who are we kidding, nothing could keep me away! Although I did think I was going to die trying to fit it all in. My flight from out west didn’t get in until 7a.m. and I need to be up at the crack of dawn to celebrate 50 years of theme parks with the Happiest Celebration on Earth tomorrow, so I’ll make this short and sweet. I’m just hoping I don’t fall asleep at the keyboard. Slsdkncx/vzsda’ldsss jhslzf;dxc gxcnfffffn;ngggo9fdzb ..............dxfz bdx.f............................
lk kjkdslljxxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzdddd sssyigbjofdjsodspfdfp ................. ; ;..........asdfsagsssssssssssssorry about that! Hey, but I did bring you all gifts! I didn’t quite know what size you all were so I just got you a one size fits all. Go ahead and try it on, it’s attached below.
(pee on me!)
I thought the best way to pay respect was to clean Seacreset's star and apparently they have these people that go around and do that for celebrities. No mere cleaner is good enough for our A.I. host so I thought I would use my own technique (see photo). Hey, it’s only a few weeks old, how dirty could it be?!
Better get on with tonight. Bada Bada Bada Boom Boom Boom (elevator to the Fantasia wing please) Bada Bada Bada Bada Aaaaahhhhh Aaaaaahhhhh
Ooooh, tonight we get to see behind the video screens again, tingly!!! We have officially settled for the jeans/novelty tee/jacket look. I approve. My goodness! It’s Cheryl Ladd in the House of Yes! What movie is she pushing these days? The Head pokes our collective puffy corpse with a stick by telling us that (sigh) Constantine Maroulisss is no longer part of the show (although I swear he is still hanging out because I thought I saw him at Coachella). The House of Yes boos but it’s more like a "aaah, look at the baby lizard, they’re so cute when they’re young" boo than the descanting "bring me my switchblade!" boo we heard last week. The House of Yes can be so fickle. You know, The Head continues to say that it is crucial that you call in or text your vote to make sure this doesn’t happen to your favorite idol. Please, the only text I’m gonna be doing is to Papa John’s…I is hungry!
Attention….span….slipping…..It’s time for a look at fake Wednesday night! It’s hard to follow but it appears the kids will be singing songs twice tonight. Once from some incredibly unknown composers named Leiber and Stoller (please don’t ask me which one is which) and another set of songs from the current Billboard Charts list (must remember to purchase Google stock tomorrow). It is told to us that Leiber and Stoller were hot, hot, hot back in the day and not a law firm like previously thought. A veritable Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo, having composed for the likes of Elvis and King Creole. They are responsible for the hit "Hound Dog" as well as the unfortunately named "Yakety Yak." The combination of songs I could possibly have never heard of combined with songs I know I have never heard of excites me! Bring it on!!!
First round the kids will all sing their Leiber and Stoller songs. On the chopping block tonight is Anthony Federov singing "Poison Ivy." Very bubble gum sounding so I don’t know if I am to blame the time period in which this was written or the way in which it is being sung tonight. A. Fed is hilarious with all of his head bobbing and scary white boy dancing. The camera man spares us a lot of wide shots so we can’t see just how messed up it all really is but you get the drift. The song itself is just crazy. It talks about real poison ivy I think, not just metaphorically. It talks about measles and chicken pox and needing calamine lotion…it is really one big PSA for dermatologists. Either way, A. Fed must have drawn the shortest straw and it was just better than singing "Yakety Yak." He could have never pulled off the "don’t come back" baritone. He is wearing his glasses again trying to win us over after his last ditch effort on the results show last week. He obviously reads the message boards. I don’t think any of that really helps because it looked weird but sounded weirder. Very off tune at the beginning. A. Fed also has a high quality banner tonight versus poster board signs. The A. Fed’s have gone all out with their support. Save your money for cell minutes folks! Randy starts by telling A. Fed that tonight he is here to see who is out to win this thing (as opposed to the past six weeks where you know, it was just for fun). He doesn’t think that A. Fed has what it takes. Poor song choice. The worms that live in Paula’s brain have agreed to take a week off and let her speak on her own; she thinks it wasn’t that good. She does congratulate him on picking a song that showcased his versatility (i.e. thanks for picking an obscure song). Simon thinks it is lucky that he is singing two songs tonight because it was an amateur performance by A. Fed. The Head picks up on the fact that something old is new again and asks A. Fed about the switch from no glasses to glasses. He asks "are you wearing glasses again" and A. Fed answers "No" but then explains that his contacts expired (he forgot to renew them) and he knew he would be jumping around and bobbing his head, he didn’t want to fall off the stage. That would have rocked! Anyway, a very long explanation for the fact that the glasses make the man and he is trying to slip them back in without anyone noticing. Glasses are cool. Seeing is cool.
Pig Boy Scott Savol wafts into our TV nostrils with "On Broadway." His intro video is hilarious. He makes us remember when Simon told him to pack his bags. Remember that? Also remember when for some ungodly reason he got to stay? Also remember how he looked like a (pardon the expression) pig in slop when he realized that he was safe? Remember all that?! Well, good because now Pig Boy is cocky and wants Simon to know that he is singing "On Broadway" because he is not leaving until he is a star on Broadway. Ooookay, but isn’t there another reality show for that talent search? Can’t there be? Tonight he looks like he just stepped right off the streets of Bland and into the CBS Television Studios. He does a pretty faithful version of the song, nothing spectacular but definitely the right song choice for him. At one point in the song, he sings directly to Simon, it is a verse that implies that he will make it on Broadway. He is really taking this verbal throw down to heart. It is a little showy for my tastes. I would much rather him use something like little white gloves to slap Simon, when did that stop being a society norm? There is a shot of Scott’s "Friends and Family" and oh my God!!! They are hotties!!! Three of them!!! How much do they get paid? Dude, I was in Burbank this week with nothing to do, I could have used the money. It sure would have saved me from knocking over that little lady trying to pick up the quarter she found on the street. Randy says that there were a few bad notes and he seems to come up with just enough of the right vocals to pull it off. Paula gives an advertisement for something called Moxy. I bet it helps stop the itching from Poison Ivy. Simon says that Pig Boy has had more escapes than Houdini, probably his best performance ever. The three hotties have chosen wisely!
The Vonz likes the song "Treat Me Nice" so she will sing it if she has to. She is really bubbly and all "oooh oooh" like always but she is especially feeling this one. Quite a bit of theatrics involved but I am not quite sure what the story is. It sounds like a Christmas song with its arrangement. Her shoulders pop up and down and her eyes go big and round for a really dramatic part. It is funny to listen to her to this as it is an Elvis song. Usually she comes off sounding just like the CD (not a bad thing mind you) so you don’t really know what Vonzell is supposed to actually sound like. So here you have a raw interpretation of her styling. It would have been funny to hear her sound like Elvis though. Overall I am not wowed by her performance. Randy is paid to think otherwise because he is off the charts with his liking her song. You’d think that she sprung from his riblet or something. Best most awesome gosh darndest singing ever. wow. heck. Paula is one of those peer pressure types and also liked it and also added something about Smoky Joe’s Café which I didn’t understand and is too late to look up. Either way, it must be a good thing. Simon goes far, far the other way and thinks it was a mess. The Head also puts a plug in for Vonzell, because you know she just isn’t popular enough and in turn the Vonz fake blows a kiss and gives an awesome shout out to the U.S. Postal Service. Indeed!
Don’t forget that the American Idol tour is kicking off and tickets go on sale May 20th! Here’s hoping that Mikalah can get out of that prom date she has.
Standard BoBice! is going to sing the standard "Stand by Me." No real back story on video. He’s just going to sing it. He’s a simple man. It really does sound good. I’m not the type of person who goes out and buys a copy of "Stand by Me" just because of the person singing it, but I would at least rip it for free from the internet (using a respectable file sharing network of course). I am thinking based on this performance that he will be the best rocker this week….oh, yeah that’s right. He is the best rocker now. Sorry, my bad. Bo is really taking control of his look and going in a very freaky non-idol territory with the long hair and beard and cross tattoo on his chest, he is very Jesus. If Jesus doesn’t win American Idol, that is just wrooong! There is a sign that says "Bo for President." Don’t you think best rocker is a big enough title people? There is another sign that says "You can’t spell Bodacious without Bo." I am thinking you really shouldn’t have any reason to spell bodacious at all. Ever. Randy feels that he chose the right song for him. The worms are back! Paula says something about coloring her world with Bo. Gag. Simon agrees with Randy that he chose the best possible song tonight.
Carrie Underwood rounds out the Leiber and Stoller songs by singing another one by the king "Trouble." Carrie southern fries up her little slice of Elvis and sounds great on stage. He looks good as well but is a little stiff in her delivery. She just needs an extra leg joint or something to help get her grooving. She brings the mic stand to the end of the stage and kicks it down the stairs like a rock star to finish the song. Whoa, honey…there is only room for one rocker on this show now. Stick with the country. That was a total Nadia Turner move anyway. I miss Nads. Randy likes that she knows exactly who she is. Paula says she is a star and that we saw a whole different side of her tonight. Paula has not been watching the show from the beginning so you will have to excuse her. Simon feels that she gave the fans what they want. And that would be…? I didn’t get mine yet.
There is a commercial about the new CD single that you can only purchase at Cingular stores. It is funny because in it, no one likes Seacrest. Also, everyone in line to buy the CD is over 38 years old. Raise the A.I. age limit! Oh, and William Hung shows up at the end to be more popular than Seacrest. It’s hot.
I can’t believe I’m still awake! Okay, so A. Fed is up next or again I should say. It is weird how this works. Will his first performance be the thing that does him in because it was so long ago (i.e. the beginning of the performance) or is he sort of considered in the middle now and not the beginning since he is really performance number six of the evening? Hmmm. Sigh, why did I just ask that? I am so tired.
Anthony Federov will be singing "Incomplete" from the Backstreet Boys, who I had no clue even had something on the Billboard charts right now. He is interviewed in his pre video package caught in the act at the makeup table. More rouge please! He loves his A.I. experience because it is so dreamy and makes him feel like he is flying in the clouds. Good grief, I even had to watch some football or bass fishing after that. I am mystified that we have to guess the names of the songs….again….just because all of these songs are supposed to be "current." What about the kids like me who listen to NPR? Huh? There are others of you right?.....right? Ooookay, moving along. Surprisingly, A. Fed must have gotten a rush order from 1-800-CONTACTS because he now has them in. Either that or I am about to see an awesome stage dive any second! I pay no attention to the song really but Randy does and he says that given the fact that you do a Backstreet Boys song, you kind of want to make it better or something and he didn’t do that. His version wasn’t like it at all. Paula thinks it is very brave of him to take on a group song like that. I don’t understand that point though because it isn’t like that song is a roundelay or anything. It could have originally been sung by feral cats and the general public wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. Simon thinks he chose the right song this time. The Head is unintentionally funny (I think) because he mentions that this was his last chance for the evening and then says that’s it for you! It was very symbolic and harsh sounding. Only time will tell.
Oh lordy, it’s Pig Boy time again, let’s assume it will be an R&B song since he can go "current." He has chosen to sing "Every Time You Go Away" by Brian McKnight, but I had to look it up. In his pre song video he tells us that his favorite thing about being on American Idol is that he has his own fashion coordinator (soon fired I’m sure) to make him look more appealing to the public. When you can actually publicly say something to that effect, then you must have been scary beforehand. Was this boy sporting a mullet and a muzzle before American Idol? The performance itself is a blur to me, I do remember thinking that he moves like some invisible force is attached to his navel and it keep dragging that part of his body before the rest of it follows along. He still manages to sing and hold the mic though so I guess he is okay with it. Randy says that he pulled it off again. Paula says she had so much joy watching his joy….talk amongst yourselves and discuss. Simon says that he felt it was more flat than in tune. Pig Boy just about reaches in his pocket for his little white glove but gets interrupted by The Head first. Pig Boy is getting a little more vocal about how he is here to stay, I’m thinking I can hear the rats scurrying from the belly of the ship. I’ll meet you all in the row boats. Hey! There’s
Cheryl Ladd again! Hi Chers!!!!
Oh, now get this: The Vonz loves American Idol because she gets to be glamorous and go to photo shoots and put on makeup and (squeal!) look at puppies and pick dance in the candy cane hills where gumdrops are pillows, etc. etc. The A.I. life has been good to The Vonz. Now that she can choose her own song, she is even more excited. She will be singing "When You Tell Me That You Love Me." Because it is cool to finally get the entire song to yourself without all those pesky kids cramping your style. Baby "V" does have a very nice chocolate colored dress on tonight. She could just as easily be hosting a very nice dinner party. The song is still just okay, it is not the one I would have voted on for the Red Cross single but then again, the fact that I know what songs were on the Red Cross single is scary. Randy just leaps over the judges table, runs behind the video screen, pulls both section apart like Moses parting the Red Sea, runs out and does a back spin, summersaults off the stage back into his seat and says that it is the perfect vocal. I made up a few of those things but they are all pretty ridiculous. Paula knows what it is like to be conceited and tells her that it was nice hearing just her sing it without everyone else. Simon sees through the fake kiss blowing and PSA’s her fans to start calling ‘cause she is in trouble after tonight. Translation: because Simon just trashed her, she will sit firmly on the couch tomorrow. Bring a magazine Baby "V," So you won’t get bored.
BoBice! will sing probably the only song that I have heard of out the group tonight. It is Los Lonely Boys "Heaven." Some strangeness going on in his pre song video. The hair stylist is braiding his hair only to comb it straight. I’m thinking I would cut corners right away and just come that pelt back without having to touch it. Pop in a barrett and your are done. Couple of Crest White Strips…he’s looking’ like a rock star. Bo is channeling Neil Young this performance, the jacket he is wearing is fringe-tastic! The song sounds pretty good actually, he has chosen a song in the right range and tempo for his style. Randy is so enthusiastic, he promotes Bo to the captain of the dawg pound. What does that entail exactly? And have you seen the dawn pound roster lately? Sad people….sad. Paula thought he ruled tonight and Simon said he had a good night. He is a professional doing this and makes the others look amateur.
Carrie Underwood goes last tonight with "Bless the Broken" by Rascal Flatts (and don’t think that was next to impossible to find). For this number she is decked out in a peacock dress and has a snake necklace on. Carrie really gets her mileage out of the $450 clothing budget. She must get extra from Scott’s wardrobe fund since most it is unutilized. Very pretty performance vocally. Randy loved the vocals. Paula says it was eloquent, beautiful and perfect. Simon thought it was sung perfectly but a bit robotic. Ha! I’m thinking back to when Simon thought she looked like one of the Stepford Wives. Maybe she is, that would rock!
Okay, it isn’t what you are usually accustomed to getting in your inbox on Wednesday mornings but you if computer screens had mirrors….I would frighten most of you. I have more facial hair than Grizzly Adams and the bags under my eyes don’t say Gucci. I am off to bed now to sleep for the first time since Sunday. See you all here tomorrow nighttlkdfffmb.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,v /’vbbbbb bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz