This is it!
The last recap for the season! Sigh. It seems like only yesterday that Libby Jones was screaming at me asking when I was finally going to get around to write these silly things. Endless hours of Idol watching, staying up to the wee hours trying to convey every nuance, every fashion faux pas, every fauxmmercial, every pout and sneer, every…Paula-ism. Well Libby, are you and the rest of the Idolists happy?! You’ve driven me to bare my soul electronically for the past twelve weeks! SIGH…..I’m going to miss it. I really am. And what did we all learn this year? That you can overcome physical and geographical diversity and make your dreams come true like Anthony Federov? That you can beat your girlfriend, throw phones against walls, dress like a pimp and look like a pig and still make it big? That you can get far by taking the gracious “advances” of an American Idol judge? Yes, yes and No, no. The one thing we know for sure from this season of American Idol is…that it rocks!
As The Head speaks, I become all tingly. The results are in. The votes have been counted. We’re going to have a brand a new American Idol….ARE YOU PUUUUUMPED!!!!!! It’s in the Kodak Theater!!!!!! There are going to be celebrities!!!! Lynyrd Skynyrd!!! George Benson!!! Kenny Wayne Shepherd!!! Baby Face!!! Billy Preston!!! Rascal Flatts!!!....Kenny G……Lynyrd Skynyrd!!!! And to top it all off, did I mention the crowning of a new American Idol!!!! ARE YOU PUUUUUMPED!!!!! Save your energy skippy, it’s going to be two hours before you know anything.
Tonight they’ve spared no expense and because this is the Kodak Theater, the show kicks off like the Oscars with a big song and dance number with the ten former Idol contestants (Bo and Carrie are the stars of our show so they are missing). It is a big Sixties beach themed medley showcasing the talent that you didn’t vote for!!! And boy did we dodge a bullet there! You can certainly tell that someone hasn’t been keeping up with their singing after they were kicked off. The general impression from the get-go is that it is very disjointed like 100 pots and pans banging together at one time but fear not because with this many personalities (read: egos) you can bet that there will be time for solos. Or else there will be hell to pay from the Vote Baby “V” militia. Pig Boy is back and scarier than ever. No extreme makeover for this former Idol. I’m expecting him to ride this gravy train all the way to the grocery store, no need to improve on something that gets him a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni or whatever the parting gift on Idol is. Speaking of extreme makeover, Mikalah Gordon is hot!!! She sounds terrible but she is looking hot!!!! Just when I thought I couldn’t stand any more of Mikalah’s voice (wow, she is bad) here comes the animated corpse of Julia Damato masquerading at Lindsey Cardinale to drop a musical turd right next to Miks. P.U.! This has to be the worst sing along ever. Vonzell makes it up front and center for most of the song. I like the color combinations that everyone has going tonight. Very vibrant and fluorescent! Nikko really has no business being up there with the way he is singing but then again, he just followed Mikalah and Lindsey so he is in fair company. Every teen girl with a crush on a 30 year old rejoices as Constantine takes center stage for his solo which promises to be an experience that only those with HDTV can truly appreciate. The camera missed Con, it’s weepy. I forgot how many Idols were on this season it is like one just keeps popping up after you think they are all done. Plant City is really hogging the camera tonight, she has nothing better to do. One last big round with everyone singing and voila! the floor show is over. Time to make way for court jester.
With an announcement so grandiose I think it is a joke at first, our host is heralded like one of our great American actors receiving a lifetime achievement award. “Ladies and Gentlemen, your host….Ryan Seacrest!” I am almost certain that it was Ryan Seacrest on the microphone. The video screen splits open and The Head makes one last great entrance before the season ends. He is dressed suitably for the occasion like a mortician in Vegas with a stark black suit that is so shiny it looks wet. We go to the red carpet where a previously taped Mikalah Gordon is put to good use displaying her God given talent of annoying people as they walk down the red carpet. She is Joan Rivers reincarnated. Joan isn’t dead? Gah! My bad. Look! It’s Kirstie Alley! Kirstie doesn’t have a favorite to win the show, she is here to promote Fat Actress. It really is funny, I’ve seen it. Blossom’s Mayim Bialik plays a really nasty next door neighbor…who cusses…a lot. Anything with Blossom in it is cool! Hey! It’s that really weird chick from CSI Marg HelgenBurgenergergn…something. She is rooting for Bo to win the competition. There’s an endorsement from someone who knows!
Back in the studio we go to Seacrest as he presents a montage (get used to that word folks) of the entire season of American Idol. Kind of like last night when they showed something almost exactly the same. But this one has a purpose. We are reminded in it that this competition was different because they were going to start off with six boys and six girls. Funny how it worked out exactly like that! I swear!!! We also are reminded how wrong the judges were during the competition. Anwar is pegged as “technically” the best singer in the competition. Constantine is told that he is the one to beat. Lindsey Cardinale is told….oh wait, I just made that one up.
Thank goodness there are so many commercials. I can catch up on my writing. When we come back we find The Head has visited BoBice! in his dressing room. It is pink!!! There is a crazy flag with the word “Alabama” written across it. I am pretty sure that was the flag for Alabama but I am also pretty sure that it doesn’t normally have the word “Alabama” written across it. There are several bouquets of flowers in his dressing room, a gift basket with those Scottish butter cookies and a plasma flat screen TV. Oh, Bo is just casually reading the paper or something. For a special treat, we go live to Birmingham, Alabama where LaToya London, who is dressed like a drag queen, is on hand to celebrate with the townsfolk. They are all cheering for their hero, it is very loud there. The big news is that a representative is on hand to present Bo with a proclamation that today is officially called “Bo Bice Day.” I giggle a little. It just seems so strange you know what I mean. Thank GOD that Pig Boy is not in the finals. Why couldn’t they have called it “Best Rocker out of the Two Day” or “Take A Bath Hippie! Day?” I guess those were just too original. Ryan mentions to LaToya that he has the same outfit…after I make the drag queen comment. Priceless. Even though all this attention is nice, Bo must perform one more time. He rushes on stage to sing “Vehicle,” his favorite song of the season. I’ve critiqued this one two times already and that is my limit. Grandma loved the performance and she does the bird call thing again. You saw it this time didn’t you? I’m not crazy am I?!
Carrie is up next but after the commercial break but the feed goes live to Oklahoma before they can cut to break. Ha! Don’t worry folks, Oklahoma will be back, it ain’t going anywhere. Trust me.
Carrie is in her dressing room chilling when The Head pops in for a visit. Hmmmm, I wonder what will happen next. We go live to Muskogee, Oklahoma where the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame is located, although we are not broadcasting from there. We’ve spared no expense because greeting us from OK. is….gasp!.....Matt Rogers. Oh, American Idol was John Peter Lewis just not doing anything tonight? Please spare us from Matt Rogers. With him tonight is the first lady of Oklahoma to tell the world how excited Oklahoma is to be mentioned on national TV! She is so excited. Matt Rogers says “agreed.” That is one strange interviewing vocabulary that boy has. Who says “agreed” during an interview, seriously. Back at the Kodak, Carrie is going to sing “Angels Brought Me Here” which to my knowledge has never been sung during this year’s competition. God, it is so girly that I want to do my hair while I watch. Songs like this one and “Inside Your Heaven” are two good reasons why I will probably not own a Carrie Underwood CD. But I like her a lot, I really do. Out comes the choir and thank goodness, the song needs a little something. We get a look at Carrie’s family, they all look like they are dressed to chaperone a prom. We see a shot of the judges table. It is still there and it is dark and empty, it is very sad to see it that way. After the song, The Head promises us that something nasty is going to be revealed about Simon so we should stay tuned. Simon – yeah, that’s the judge we really want to know dirt on.
Coming back from commercial break we find Randy Jackson in his dressing room. He is asked if he has reflected on the previous night’s performance and he says that he has and that Carrie definitely won the night. He must be mic’d to the theater because the Theater of Yes goes insane! This is definitely starting to feel like a Carrie night. He recalls giving Carrie the Dawg Standing “O” last night which I regret hearing said that way because it just sounds nasty. Next we trash Paula and Simon for being so catty all the time, or is it pent up sexual tension. Hardly I’m sure but we go there anyway. Oh wait, it is all a set up for…say it with me kids, another…..
…Montage! Of all the crazy Paula moments from this year. A different Paula emerged this year, a mean and vicious Paula who isn’t afraid to put Simon in his place. Sadly we don’t see the mid season Paula on drugs, that would have made for one heck of a montage. Anything to get our minds off the Paula/Corey scandal right? So after watching these clips, we can add that she can cuss like a sailor to our running tab of “Paula is a crazy Mutha!” Speaking of, what would our final show be without a candid one on one with Paula Abdul in her dressing room? Paula has nothing but great things to say about the kids and of course nothing but non-threatening remarks to make to Simon after hearing Seacrest and Randy’s conversation of the topic. She looks like a big purple bruise tonight.
If the promise of big name celebrities isn’t enough to get your engine started, how about one last Fauxmmercial to put the fizz in your lime flavored Coke! Sung to the tune of “Reach” it is a MONTAGE! of all the fauxmmercials form this season. They are all here!! The parking garage rave, the giant puppet Idols, the roller coaster, the 50’s diner, the dog locked in the car, the camoflauged A. Fed….it makes me want to weep just a little bit.
After yet another commercial break we go to Simon’s dressing room. Simon has his shirt unbuttoned and wide open (no fitted tee!) like some swarthy pirate. He thinks Carrie handled herself very well last night and he said it from the very beginning, he thinks she will win this competition. Simon has a brilliant idea, he suggests that they replace him next season with Matt Rogers because he did such a good job over in Oklahoma. And since America has this obsession with hating the only person on the show who knows what’s going on, LaToya has to pipe in from Alabama where they have programmed this little boy with the word “hero” painted on his cheek to ask Simon why he uses reverse psychology on Bo. Huh? Of course the bit backfires on The Head as the satellite feed isn’t coming through very well so in the confusion the little boy (who assuredly has the word “slave” written on the other cheek like Prince) asks the same precocious question again and the bit dies. Simon is delighted that he has destroyed a joke that probably took hours to set up. We then switch over to Oklahoma and The Head’s replacement next season. Matt Rogers is there with Carrie’s oldest fan, her granddad “Paw Paw” and her littlest fan “Wimple” the baby Boston Terrier. I LOVE BOSTON TERRIERS!!! CARRIE WINS!!!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!!! Seriously folks, I just about wee wee’d when I saw that cute widdle puppy. I’m sold. I was quite hoping that the puppy would have peed on Matt Rogers and ruined yet another funny bit but oh well.
You tired yet? The first hour is almost up but not before we get to see another MONTAGE! This one walks us down memory lane with the top three most emotional moments of American Idol. Remember Regina Brooks who sold her wedding ring and snuck away from her pig farmer husband just to try out? Yeah, me too. I liked her story although I’m sure she had more than just twenty buck in her pocket. It made for a great story though. There was also a contestant who bangs his head against a wall when he finds out he is not going to Hollywood. Then there’s Mrs. Clark who when finding out her son made it through, pulls a James Brown all over the hallway of the hotel. Lordy me. I’m glad I wasn’t there when she found out he was cut during Hollywood.
It is almost as if we are splitting the two hours into two separate shows. We kick this one off with the National Anthem sung by Leandra Jackson. Remember this from the auditions? Wow is it bad. Not bad because it is awful but bad because it sort of treads on being un-American and to broadcast it Nationally! I’m thinking that you’ve gotta have a pretty good feeling that people are going to understand this is a joke before you go and broadcast this as your “official” playing of the National Anthem to all those red states such as Oklahoma and Alabama. Didn’t Roseanne Barr get into trouble doing this so much so that it haunts her to this day? People are lovin’ it though and they are lovin’ it even more when the video screen splits open and out pops a very much improved Leandra singing the rest of the song live and in person! She looks cute and has improved (slightly) on her singing abilities. The crowd stands and cheers and laughs. Yes Leandra honey, they are laughing. They’re laughing with you…yeah, that’s it.
The judges are back, live and in person too. They are front row to watch Bo and Carrie sing “Up Where We Belong” together in a duet. These two really go well together. I think they are the two best looking finalists that we’ve had. For this number Bo puts on the leather pants. He is saucy. Awww, how cute, they love each other. After the song finishes, The Head comes over and tells them that he has a surprise for them as he digs into his pocket…ummm, no thanks Seacrest. He pulls out two sets of keys and dangles them before Bo and Carrie. All of a sudden we are at the Price Is Right as he reveals that they’ve both won….A NEW CAR!!!! “Yes Bo and Carrie, you will be driving away in a red 2005 Ford Mustang Convertible with a 4.6-liter-aluminum V-8, 300 horsepower and 320 lb.-ft of torque, bold styling and lush interior, you will be the envy of Idol finalists everywhere. The Legend Lives! The Ford Mustang…built Ford Tough. Back to you Seacrest.” Carrie and Bo are overwhelmed with the fringe benefits of being the finalists! Meanwhile, Pig Boy controls his inner rage as he stares at the dried Rice-A-Roni on his sleeve.
This segues very well into a MONTAGE! of Bo and Carrie’s journey through the competition. The boy versus the girl. Yeah, they planned it this way in case you were wondering. Set to the tune of “Little Bit Country” only a moron wouldn’t have guessed that they would use that song. And for the record, I guessed that like, four recaps ago! It’s the country girl with heart versus the rocker with soul. Gross.
Next we milk the last remaining drop of Worst Idol ever clips and count down the top 10 worst Idol auditions. We see Mr. 5.9% who counts as four of the ten. Then there’s Toni Braxton’s “cousin” and Bobbie May the Las Vegas psychic who couldn’t even forsee her failure at auditioning. My favorite is the “Can you dig it!” guy. Why this guy doesn’t have a radio show and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is beyond me!
Ooooh! Hall and Oates are in the audience! Lick it up boys that is officially fifteen and ½ minutes and counting. The Head announces that this summer they are going to hold auditions for next season and he lists the cities but noticeably, Orlando did not make it. That is funny though because three of the twelve (Jessica, Vonzell, Bo) auditioned in Orlando and of those Vonzell made it to the top three and Bo the top two. Not that it means anything. We also produced the Backsteet Boys and NSYNC.
Part of the look back at this season includes the touching story of Adam and Dirk who met while auditioning in some city I forget. Remember how Dirk, a little short on the goods upstairs and who I picture saying “Baby Ruuuth”, makes friends with Adam and they both support each other through their round of auditions? Dirk auditions with a David Hasselhoff song of all things!!! And Adam auditions with a Richard Marx song (which is bad) that NSYNC did, he is doing the latter version (which is worse). Neither one makes it but you must remember that everything you say makes an impact because Adam says that it would have been really neat to be there in the final two with Dirk. Well we’ve spared no expense ladies and gentlemen. Live in the Kodak Theater are Dirk and Adam reunited one last time! The empty seat next to Dirk? Let’s fill it with David Hasselhoff how ‘bout? I’m NOT KIDDING!!!!! It just doesn’t get any better than this! Can you dig it!
Self Parody Alert!
Remember the big secret The Head was going to reveal to us earlier about Simon Cowell? Well, it just so happens that fits right her in this spot in the show. Rumor has it that Simon is secretly having a relationship with “someone” involved with the show. There are recorded voice mails and records of tight fitted tees and thongs being bought for this “someone.” This is all like poking a stick at the rabid Paula in the cage. But she is a good sport because she plays along. Randy claims that he has benefited from the affair and it just so happens that he is going to release a song called “Dawg Ticks” and book about the whole situation. Paula is hilarious acting out her part at the mixing board. There are interviews with Mikalah and Pig Boy and even a visit to Maroulis Dine-In where a very shady character claims that he has witnessed this affair going on. Turns out we catch Simon in the act. The “someone” that he is so involved with is him. Ha!!! Saw it coming but it was a really cute parody. Actually something that is done pretty well and better to have poked fun at here than leave us wondering what is going to happen to Paula next season. It is clear during the parody that the judge in question isn’t going anywhere soon. I only hope Corey Clark was watching.
We have certainly been pulling out the big guns this half of the show and now it’s time to bring out the cannon. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Idol All Stars!!!! The American Idols team up with their favorite stars!
Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts singing “God Bless the Broken Road.” This is a very nice duet as you can tell that Carrie is made for this kind of music. She is country gold, just add gravy.
Anthony and Anwar with Kenny G singing “I Believe I Can Fly.” This is so strange! It is really just Anthony and Anwar basically and we have heard this version of the song before this season. Kenny G is there because why? It cracks me up. The strange thing is that Anwar’s hair is back. Was is just all tied up before or are those extensions? So many questions! Kenny G is right up there with clowns for me, he scares me.
Constantine, Jessica, Nadia and Kenny Wayne Shepherd all perform “Walk This Way.” This is a strange mix of people to all have Kenny Wayne Shepherd on their wish list. Constantine just butchers the song and really overdoes it during his parts. He shows us just how gross he is. He is so not the best rocker. Jessica you can hardly understand but I’m not really caring much. Nadia on the other hand looks fabulous! She has this black scoop neck blouse with a studded belt and short black denim mini skirt. Sister may have lost American Idol but she didn’t lose anything in her fashion sense.
Pig Boy and Nikko Smith with George Benson. I am the first to admit names like Kenny Wayne Shepherd and George Benson are not readily in my vocabulary but I kind of like how they are putting the show together this way. Each person really gets a unique way to sign off at the end of the season even if it is with some odd instrumentalist. They are singing “On Broadway” to which they both end up screaming at George Benson. I think they meant to sing so that they are involving him but it doesn’t quite work. George actually ends up singing the last part of the song and it sounds better than anything they did.
Pressing her right at third place, Vonzell Solomon gets her very own spotlight with Billy Preston. She is perched atop his piano as they duet “Born Again.” I know I will get flack for this but I think this is the best I have ever heard Vonzell. She really sounds good singing this kind of song and in this way. On the video screen is what I am sure is brown silk but ends up looking like the chocolate in the opening scene of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Lindsay Cardinale and Mikalah Gordon sing with Baby Face. This is hands down the oddest pairing of the night. Did they get to pick their “idols” and did Lindsey and Mikalah pick the same one?! Because we all know that we aren’t seeing Fran Drescher or Barbara Streisand up there on stage! They are so poorly paired because both Lindsey and Mikalah are singing with men’s voices while Baby Face has this high falsetto that just makes for disturbing music. I try to concentrate and listen to Baby Face because I like him but Miks and Lindsey just get in the way.
And the showboat rounds the corner with BoBice! and freakin’ Lynyrd Skynyrd man! They sing what else but “Sweet Home Alabama” and just totally tear the roof off the place. It is so meant to be that this event is explained in the book of Revelations. If Bo doesn’t win this thing, I am thinking that Skynyrd is about due for a revival and I know just the guy to take the mic. The whole thing just rocks symbolically. All the Idols join on stage, you’d think that they would just give him the title right now.
The last 4 minutes
It all comes down to this people!
12 weeks, 24 recaps….
Ooooh, I do so love the tension. The Head tells us that the winner gets their own personal Marquisjet card to use as they wish. Cool! They introduce the President of Telescope. They are the people that manage the “sure fire” phone voting system. He is a big ol’ nerd. Apparently there is a new record this season. 500 million (1/2 of 1 billion) people have called in and voted. Voted for the worst Idol to mess up the system maybe but they still voted. Bo has put on a jacket for the occasion and Carrie…well Carrie is just pure County Fair with her kinky hair and ugly dress. The nerd hands The Head the envelope.
SPOILER!!!! Go no further if you haven’t watched your TiVo or DVR yet!!!! Like you couldn’t guess…….
The winner is…….
Carrie and Bo are just about the best Idol finalists we have ever had. I was thinking it was Bo but I am just as fine with Carrie being the American Idol. Even Bo’s grandma is clapping like a lunatic for Carrie. This season definitely has a happy ending.
Carrie sings the new single that we can expect on the shelves soon. Disappointingly, it is that awful “Inside Your Heaven.” She sings as the stage explodes with pyro and all I can think about is her hair going up in flames. There is a sea of confetti sprayed everywhere and a giant disco ball. It is a visual wonderland! They went all out for the finale and spared no expense. David Hasselhoff man!!!!!!
Simon has the last word in the fact that he was right…really, really right. America listened.
Thank you all for actually reading all of my recaps and crazy thoughts. I have really enjoyed sharing this experience with you and love our talks when we see each other in person. Let’s do this again next year. Same time, same place. - Michael
Okay, Since American Idol went to all the trouble to put together a montage of the best moments of this season, I thought it was fitting to do one of my own. And now ladies and gentlemen, your Idols at their "best" from this year’s competition, the way we really see them and what they will be remembered for:
Thursday, May 26, 2005
This is it!