Ain't no better pimp than yo momma! She'll only take 5%!

File Under: Dear God! Rake my eyes out with sizzling hot dog shit-covered sausages!
So you think you've seen the worst in idiot television? Not officially until you have witnessed Mtv's Oedipal- monikered Date My Mom. I stumbled upon this piece of Made in America last night while trying to navigate the beautiful world of digital television using the "page down" technique which I shan't ever try again. Once there, I just couldn't look away. Completely baffled that any of this was legitimate, I kept watching in hopes that the colossal joke was that the show indeed itself was a joke. Unfortunately the answer was no. The result of an oversaturation in reality programming, Mtv felt they had to jump on the bandwagon. Their producers must have sensed that their perpetually horny 14 year old audience (the only market they have left by the way) needed an edgier take on the popular daytime dating shows. The funny thing is, Elimidate and Blind Date are 100 times edgier and wittier than this horrible concoction could ever be. More disturbing than the actual premise of this show is the fact that is has absolutely nothing to do with music. nothing! Not even "what music does your daughter like?" questions. Do we need any other indication that Mtv's power and credibility are as flaccid as the "vicious knid" on the suitor in tonight's episode? There really isn't a need for Mtv anymore. Lock it up in a museum, I'm thinking we've wrung the usefulness out of it. By the way, I know "vicious knid" is a lame reference to a penis, but in trying to pick the perfect euphemism, I found this site.

I so kid you not about this:

The premise of Date My Mom is this: Some random Blink 182 clone can't get a date even if he tried so Mtv is going to set him up with three equally desperate girls who clearly have self esteem issues. The catch is that he will not be going out with any of the three girls but rather...their mothers! Oooh, let's jump right to the mommy fetish shall we? Of course the show runs on the usual date show formula with side commentary from the mother and the potential suitor, which of course gives a lot of insight as to what it is these kids want from their dating experience...and it rhymes with trucking. Also, If I had a mother that acted like the ones featured on this show, I'd swear that I was grown in a tube. Thankfully I don't, my mother's a saint! But all of this tells you something about the girls up for the date; the apple really doesn't fall far from the slut.

Each date ends with the mom coming back home and telling the daughter all the things they did and all the things they talked about on the date. You'll be surprised to find out that the entire show is scripted because the dialogue is like 80's soft core porn, and this is just between the mother and daughter! I thought it was all part of the show's schtick until I found out that they were trying to take themselves seriously. Bizarre.

Before the date begins, the daughter tells the mom ways to describe her and things that are off limits (such as retainer wearing or menstruation cycles) and things that will "plus" her chances (she can lift her leg over hear head...I swear that was one of them!). The first mother Cheryl proudly explains to her daughter that she will point out how big her breasts are in case he likes them big. She says she'll just tell him "I got the wits, you got the tits!" And true to her word, she does...and says it just like rehearsed. The date consists of Kyle and mom going to a beach to finger paint. See, since photos of the daughters aren't allowed, the suitor has to come up with original ways to capture a picture of what she might look like. In this case, mom is to paint a picture of her daughter and he is to paint one of his ideal date. In between the extrememly hokey banter are the interstitial confessionals from Kyle like "Whoa spikey, I wasn't even born when that hairstyle was in style!" and when told that her daughter flunked a chemistry class he exclaims, "You're either going to get boobs or brains, you're not going to get both!" Which is almost as bad as when he says, "Danielle sounds like she has so much to offer" mimicing with his hands how big her breasts are. hyuk! Man, what girl wouldn't be lucky to end up with this catch!

The next date introduces us to Tracy and her daughter Carol. To the camera Tracy has this to say: "Hi! My name is Carol and I'm gonna get my daughter some!"...nice. Tracy, meet Kyle...I think we can end the contest here, thank you. This date consisted of Kyle taking mom to a beach (the same one where 45 minutes before he was finger painting). Meeting them at the beach is a less-than-happy photographer who has finally hit rock bottom by taking pictures of Tracy in all kinds of "sexy" poses. Again, the idea here is to see if any of her daughter's, I don't know, "sexiness" is evident in her mother. Next to sand fleas, the one thing that is assured if he dates her daughter is an extremely healthy openess about her daughter's sexual proclivity. Man, there was nothing off topic with this woman. It kind of made me wish for "V" chips in every television set coming out of China...kind of. But not really.

Lori, the last mom, really wants her precious baby to win this thing, she's sort of one of those Texas cheerleader moms. Poor Lori is so delusional, she thinks that Kyle really is a nice guy. Ppffttt! Ha! They go make pizzas at some place that actually lets you behind the counter, or at least for this show. Their health code rating has to be a "C" at the minimum. Kyle banters on about the usual stuff and it comes out that Lori's daughter Ashley doesn't know how to cook, to which Kyle says to the camera, "Ashley doesn't cook. I bet she's hot. Hot girls don't have time to cook, they're too busy being hot!" There you go folks, that's the thought process of today's youth. I so hope Ashley wins! Anyway, Kyle feeds mom a few pieces of his pizza and mom says, "Kyle was eyeing my pie!" Hmmm, unintentional double entendre? I should hope not!

The show concludes with the arranged meeting of Kyle and all three mothers on a pier for the big announcement. Kyle has come to a decision! Kyle is a scrawny white kid with brown spikey hair and is dressed completely in Sean John and four pieces of bling! just to paint you a mental picture of what is up for grabs. In a limo behind the mothers are all three daughters one of which will emerge as the....urrm, winner? Kyle liked the fact that Carol painted such a nice picture of Danielle's boobs but since she also mentioned that she lacked direction, he does not want to date her daughter. Actually, the tag line ala' "you're fired" is "I do not want do date your daughter!" Makes sense, huh? Tracy is next told that despite the great time they had at the photo shoot on the beach, she painted Carol to be a little more straight laced than he wants so he doesn't want to date her daughter either. To which Tracy shouts, "You're a fucking idiot! Take a look at this shit!" (that's how she introduces her daughter to Kyle). You gotta love it! The clear winner is Ashley, Lori's daughter. He chooses Ashley because he actually likes a high maintenance girl but what you really have to wonder is if he picked her based on a comment he made when he noticed Lori's nose piercing (Lori's the mom remember) "If Lori has her nose pierced, I can only imagine what else Ashley has pierced!" Dude!!

So on second thought, this show is fantastic!!! Please watch whenever you can!