Wednesday, January 18, 2006

American Idol Auditions Denver - Mile High Secrets

We open the show tonight greeted by some leathery 46 year old man. Oh. it's only Ryan Secrets. Hiya Ryan, didn't recognize you without the Kabuki makeup. The search continues for America's best vocalists in Denver Colorado, the "Mile High City" and the birthplace of the cheeseburger, golden nuggets, omelets with ham and pepper and surprisingly not the birthplace of John Denver. That would be just too convenient I guess! At the Denver Convention Center, we are treated to a chorus of "Aint No Mountain High Enough" by like 2 billion people. I was waiting for an appearance from Sister Mary Clarence, but no. ...No, wait! ..... no.

We are informed that Denver is called the "mile high city" because it is a mile above sea level. It is really important to know this because the life raft drill happened before we tuned in and trust me, a mile is a looong way down so it's good to know where your escape routes are. If the mile high club is a club that people can join while in airplane bathrooms, then I wonder if there is a way to cheat since you are already in the mile high city and just go when you are in one of the tall buildings downtown?

Tonight's lucky "first up" is the divine Mr. Marlows Davis, Jr. Miss thing is fierce and tells Usher and the like to "Step aside because Marlows is in town. Mmm hmmm." He adds the mmm hmmm by the way, not me. Poor Marlows is nothing but hand gestures and face caresses, no vocal talent whatsoever. When the judges poo-poo his debut, Marlows makes the most endearing Oh.. oh.. oh.. oh dear face complete with the nibbling on his fingers. I wish I could do it for you right now but I'm not here to make fun, just observe. Marlows is the type that thinks if you just say please a lot the judges will change their mind. Or you can say something ridiculous like how far you came and then blurt you are from right there in Denver. I just noticed that Paula is wearing what appears to be some sort of left over Christmas wrapping.

Next is nice girl Lisa Tucker from Anaheim Ca. singing Whitney Houston's "One Moment in Time." She is a small package and a very young 16 years old but confident and she has won some impressive awards to boot! I think she was one of Variety's young people to watch or something. I don't know, my subscription ran out. She approaches the song like a finely buttered cake pan, it slide out nice and smooth. The judges are impressed, she moves through to the next round.

Amanda Berg inspires to be (I quote) "A Whitney Houston." Thank God she wants to be A Whitney Houston and not THE Whitney Houston. Or maybe she does. My question is, which Whitney Houston? Bodyguard Whitney or Being Bobby Brown Whitney? Or maybe Whitney just before she went to her first New Edition concert? Either way, Whitney on her worst day sounds a lot better than Amanda did here. I believe that the children are our future, teach them well and show them how to abuse a fair amount of celebriteeism with crack and bad hair dids and they may turn out alright!

If you have spent the good part of a year trying to fill the void left by Constantine Maroulisssss with potted meats and Danielle Steele novels, then it's almost time to step away from your eHarmony profile because here comes Ace Young. - Oh, excuse me, it's Brett "Ace" Young with his cool knit cap, which if removed, reveals a shock of long deliciously unkempt greasy hair. He's from L.A. and I can already hear the ladies swooning. A little mouse tells me that he already has a web domain set up so chances are those fans will have no fear seeing this guy on stage soon. He's got a falsetto. Maybe a little breathy. Simon is hesitant but Paula was juicin' so he goes forward. In what must sound like an empty calorie prize, they congratulate him that he's going to Hollywood.'re...going...back...home? to Hollywood. It's like 15 minutes away. yeah! I'll make sure I leave myself enough time to get there. Thanks guys!

Up With People are on hand to cheer on Rocyelle Dye. It's really her family (maybe) each one wearing a shirt with a letter on it that spell out something like "You Go Rocyelle honey, make us proud. Do good in there, sing your heart out." I don't know, there's a lot of them. She goes for the special interest motif and tells us that she needs the money because she is about to be evicted. But everyone was able to make t-shirts and fly out to Denver to send her off. I'm thinking maybe help pick up the light bill instead? She looks a little like the Pepa half of Salt and Pepa. Which is to say my favorite half of the two. I wonder why we don't refer to pepper as pepa? It has more kick! Hand me the pepa dammit! Luckily she did a good job and got a better responses from the judges than ACE did. Of course Ryan is outside the room announcing to the Up With People...people in front of the camera "Did Rochelle make it?!" Ryan, you are an ass! This a whole tour bus of people with no money!!! What if she didn't make it to the next round? I wish they'd film Rocyelle's grandparents with their "R" and "Y" shirts from the name spelling thing kicking Ryan's butt if he was wrong! But Ryan gets to keep his highlights on his head because of course, she is in.

During the break there is a commercial for Prunelax. Hey! You can eat it right out of the jar like you do with Mayonnaise! If you don't know anything about marketing to target audiences or specialty marketing during prime time, let me educate you. Actually I don't have the time or space here but suffice it to say, the target audience for American Idol might be a little older .... or less regular than I thought! I wonder what the eat to poop ratio is on this stuff?

Denver shows out the rockers, they are here by the droves. We are seeing that are becoming more and more prevalent on the Idol auditions nowadays because. Because? Because? Umm, I guess because one almost became Idol last year? This is exactly the place that you want to establish yourself if you want to be taken seriously as a rocker. People, this is one step better than Star Search and minutely two steps better than being a kid on Kids Incorporated. At least that might get you somewhere! It certainly worked for Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. I just don't get it y'all but anyway here we go again: Meet Chris Daughtry from McLeansville, NC. He's the one you saw on all the commercials with the bald head and goatee yelping "Oh the lonely days are gone." He's 25 years old. He's got two kids, 5 and 7 (wow) and an emotionally unstable Lhasa Apso for a wife. She's all distraught because he's so good and wants to like, leave and follow his dream . Ummm, yeah there's a slight to huge chance he's going to leave you if he gets famous. Sorry to tell ya. He's a rocker y
a big ball of whaaa! Shockingly as if we weren't expecting it, he sings Joe Cocker's "The Letter" and we recognize of course the part we've seen on the commercial a million gazillion times. He's really pretty good although he looks a bit like a chimpanzee when he sings. A chimpanzee that's been staring into a microwave too much. Simon thinks he has no charisma but Randy and Paula think he's pretty good and send him on through. MUCH to the dismay of his wife who is outside the door drowning in a pool of tears and Miss Clairol 106A.

There is a commercial for Friday's 3 course menu for $12.99. I wasn't sure if this is three entrees or just off the appetizer menu. It looked like they were just having the usual bar stuff like ribs and wings but if so, they ordered a lot of it, like enough for 9 courses. I guess it does the trick because there were Mazda loads of women up in their booth. Still, how many poppers can one guy order? Enough!

When we come back Erik Mena is ready to stare us down. Remember the bat baby from the Enquirer? That's Erik, or the bat baby is him. I don't know. Incredible similarity though. Now you know that there isn't anything truly amazing about either one. Erik is of some native descent and in a move that ponders me, AI plays some sort of Native American stand off music from a spaghetti western. It's the woo-eee-ooo-eee-ooo tune you've heard over and over again. Very fitting as Erik stares down the judges after they tell him he isn't moving on to Hollywood but I have to imagine they weren't thinking very clearly when they picked this piece of music. Well, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad except for...the next thing we hear is Ryan Secrets voice-over saying that in a situation like this, you need a cowboy. Whooooo! Zing! Are you serious?!

Cue the teeny tiny Garet Johnson from Veteran Wyoming dressed like little Jimmy Dickens complete with cowboy hat minus his magic lasso. He is raised on a farm and the only time he's ever really sings is when he sings for his turkey. I smell a Carrie Underwood underdog story coming on!!! Garet can hardly muster the courage to speak in front of such a glittery Paula Abdul (he's heard stories!) but with a little prodding, he starts to sing. It was either an impressive job of dubbing or this little 12 year old has some pipes on him! Paula thinks he is just not ready for the competition yet (read: too tender eatin' for her) but Randy and Simon put him through to the next round. This boy is reeeeeeeally going to be in for a shock in LA. Part of the magical journey for Garet is the plane ride. When asked if he's ever been on a plane he says no but it has been a dream of his. A Dreeeeam!... oh, that and American Idol I guess. Like a little jumping bean he bounds out of the room and pirouettes into his family's arms. I think he might be a wee bit cowgirl too.

Here's two people you won't have to remember after tonight but will probably have a hard time forgetting. Nick McCord who goes by the name "Flawless" and Ben Hausbach. Flawless is from Athens, Georgia and is dressed in an early prototype for McDonald's Mogadishu. He says (I quote) "I wear these suits so I chose a name which is appropriate thereforth it is flawless...because it came from my mind." Ugh, So horrible. He's an "entretapaneur." (his words) Basically, he cleans houses. Right in front of us he makes up a sloga for his business. What he says is, You'll come home to your home smelling and looking like paradise. He ends by adding a "yeah, that's it." I think you'd come home and find yourself about a few hundred bucks lighter and smelling like a bong exploded. This man wears pajamas people! Why isn't this guy in Florida already? Sigh, I guess it's only time. Ben Hausbach is from Florida and is also an "entrepretunuer." He designs drink coasters! Seeing the two of them meet is kind of like watching two cancer cells multiply, there is a fascination to it but you know it can't lead up to anything very good at all. "What kind of Entrepteneur are you?" says a genuinely interested Ben to Flawless. There are several kinds I'm sure. Flawless has to think for a minute but then gives us yet another made up Paradise Cleaning slogan. Both of these guys are making their lives up as they go along. I wish I was like them! In case you were wondering, both their auditions bomb. Ben actually has the casters to sing (I kid you not) "If I Only Had A Brain" the irony is thick. They both leave trying to figure out how to quit each other.

All night, the producers have been eluding to the fact that there was going to be this very riveting audition. It turns out that it is Zachary Travis from Denver, Colorado. Zachary is a tall, thin, blonde, ummm.....Zachary is let's face it, as transgendered as they come. And really, a pretty confident kid who can't imagine why people confuse him for a girl. I'm not sure really but it could be the shoulder length hair and pink eye shadow but then again, I too have bought scoop neck t-shirts just because the logo on the front was too cute to pass up. I just. never. wore them. is all. Zachary sings Whitney Houston's "Queen of the Night" [giggle]. Don't trip on the underlying message! His mom and grandma are there to support Zachary who they think will take it in stride if he doesn't make it. After all, they aren't sure if the judges will think he is too eccentric! Ha! His mom looks like shes been eating about 1000 powdered donuts. She has that 60's white lipstick on. Turns out that Zachary doesn't make it to Hollywood at least not with this competition but L.A. has lots of fun things for a kid like Zach to do. He is a little disappointed though, I think he might go knock over a 7-11 or play football or something.

So that's it for tonight from the Mile High City where they only apparently had 1 hour of talent to show us. Pooh! Next is North Carolina! I mean seriously, was Orlando so bad last year that we have to sit through North Carolina tomorrow night? See ya kiddos!

1 comment:

coffeygirlb said...

Hey. I know you. My name is Bethany Meade (Coffey) and I too am from Gravette. We both seem to be following Patrick on American Idol. I don't know if you remember that I want out with Patrick All through high school. I am married now and live in Springfield Mo. How cool is this that he's gonna be on there. I'll definitly be back to your site.