American Idol Auditions San Francisco - Not Just A San Francisco Treat!

"There's no secret where we are!" says Ryan Secrets tonight as he rides a cable car into our view to kick off tonight's American Idol auditions from San Francisco. But there are secrets Ryan because there you are, you're Ryan Secrets! The double entendre and double irony is thicker than San Francisco fog.
!
3 seasons in a row for San Francisco. Can you believe it and do we really care? We should. This is where we found Latoya London and where William Hung got his 14.5 minutes of fame. Tell me you didn't get his CD for Christmas two years ago. Come on!
!
Hidee Fairbanks from Hawaii likes to be known as Happy Hidee from Hawaii. Gee, that's swell! I love a place so pure and wholesome that kids in their early twenties can go around with names like Happy Hidee from Hawaii without getting beaten up. Well, she's pretty so I guess that helps. She decides to sing Verdi in her audition. If you don't know anything about Verdi all I can say is that it's Opera. It's good Opera I'm sure but it is still, Opera. Great for the next American Idol me thinks. Given the fact that the judges could care less about her warbling they ask her to sing another song to which she sings a Jessica Simpson song. Verdi. Jessica Simpson. I could say her taste in music is off the chart but I'd be meaning off the chart and in the rubbish bin. She says she has been compared to Jessica Simpson but she can't see it and doesn't like the comparison. I couldn't fathom why then she chooses to sing one of her songs. Although, when she sings she gets that blank stare on her face like one of those female robots in The Stepford Wives kinda like Jessica Simpson! Simon likes the first song, maybe because he masterminds the whole El Divo thing. Gag! But passes on her. It comes down to Randy. He says no. Hidee seems still happy and soon she will be back in Hawaii where she is just plain ol' Happy Hidee from Here.
!
Sean Vazquez is the funny little black guy they were showing on the commercials all week. The one I couldn't tell was a guy or girl based on the clip. Pretty much Sean is the one we are going to focus on tonight as being the "clunker" because he trys so hard at being so bad. I really don't get what is going on tonight. First we have a regular singer with Hidee who sings Opera and how we have an Opera singer who wants to sing regular - or something. Sean reminds me on a chunky Ertha Kitt for some reason and I actually kind of like the gravely tone to his voice. Sean is sent back to his Opera lessons and I hope someday he will embrace the Cat Woman inside of himself.
!
Up next is Jose "Sway" Penala. Nice voice, very good. Very very very very very very much like every single smooth singing guy that I have heard on here before. I'm really bored trying to write something about him because he really is just status quo. I kind of miss the ventriloquist dummies and purple leopard print lingerie. Is this NOT San Francisco?! I think they show him just because he was the first one to make it through tonight because otherwise he is booooring. I guess I'm right because they then show three or four other people who make it through without the luxury of knowing their name or vocal capability.
!
Now that one has made it through to Hollywood, the Producers know that we are getting antsy for more Rhonetta Johnson-worthy contestants. After all, this is why we tune in during the first few weeks. We really don't care about seeing the true talent that will wind up in the top 24, so let's focus on the bottom of the barrel. Meet Matthew "Wolfie" Paulson. He thinks he sounds like Clay Aiken. Sigh.... Why does everyone have to have a nickname? Think about it! The Graphic department at American Idol must be running out of "Quotes!" In this case though I will let it ride because the explanation is worth it. In his own words, he is called Wolfie because "..he loves wolves and because his friends call him Wolfie because they know he loves wolves." Ooookay. This guy sounds nothing like Clay Aiken. I would be more accurate in saying that he sounds like Harold Ramis channeling Clay Aiken via your local Apple Store clerk. No Hollywood for you "Wolfie."
!
Uniform alert!!! John Williams is fresh from the desert, God Bless him, but he fortunately left his dress blues at home. John has an interesting look about him. You can almost see his skull through his skin. I swear! He is like a darker version of Reverend Kane from Poltergeist II. What makes him cool is he sings from "Human Nature" from Thriller! YES!!! This album was like the bible to me growing up. A musical bible. With songs about zombies and pretty young things but a guiding light none-the-less. He has us going until B-B-B breaks it down into some bizarre Michael Jackson remix which just explodes out of his skeletor chest. John has a epidermis hugging silver shirt underneath his nice clean Billie Jean shirt and kind of undoes what was so nicely done. Randy doesn't dig the circus act but it's left up to him so he passes him on to Hollywood. I am glad because I think I can get behind this freak show real quick. He might be like our Scott Savol this season minus the sausage fingers.
!
Katharine McPhee has come with her voice teacher/mother to the auditions. Very soulful singing "God Bless the Child." I'm thinking it's a little forced for a white girl. Simon thinks that she is "current" but then has to explain what being "current" is. I think she thought he said she is a "currant" but she isn't. She looks nothing like a raisin. I'm not sure how "current" she really is.
!
In the break I hear this commercial for Colgate Total where this girl is talking about "pink in the sink." THE PINK IN THE SINK! I'm sorry but I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about but I don't want any of it! Also, with all these stars getting paid to lend their voices to crap I have a hard time trying to take Cover Girl's Lash Exact Mascara seriously without wanting to order a Twisted Crust pizza from Pizza Hut as Queen Latifa has her stank on both of these spots. She must be as cheap as they come when it boils down to celebrity voices. Well, except for Jason Alexander. Then again, I'm sure Pizza Hut wanted someone semi-relevant.
!
Oh Lordy, have you met Shalicia Carlisle? She quit her job to become the next American Idol. That is a great plan! If you quit you're job it just makes you want it all the more and then there is nothing stopping you! You might not want to wear clothes three times too small for you or use Easter Egg dye on your eyes either. For one thing, Shalicia can't sing. What she can do, we don't want any of and that is beat poetry. She launches into some cheery poem about crack babies in the ghetto. Ummmm, I'm not sure about this but I don't think they have a night to showcase this kind of talent on American Idol just yet. Second thing, girl cannot stop picking at her weave whilst she sings. Oddly, it is a nervous tick that makes me want to do the same thing. Shalicia doesn't make it to Hollywood but what about her job outlook? Because he is such a nice guy, Simon actually gets her job back! The power of the Razr phone y'all!
!
Shawna White. Sharing a frustration with you. Why everyone has to have a crazy name tonight? I'm typing this fancy jargon as the show goes along and I gotta stop in the middle and go back and try to figure out which way Shawna or Rhonetta or Cachet is going to spell their name. I may sound hypocritical but I kinda wish that everyone did have some nickname. It would make it a whole lot easier to identify the Sways and Wolfie's in the world. Shawna is only 16 but kind of has that Fiona Apple funky sound to her voice. I like it. The little back story tells us that she is from the farm and it shows. Mom has tight jeans and a big gold belt on and dad looks like Bo Bice in about 5 years. Oh, and Shawna has those ghetto white elastic bands around her pig tails. She makes it to Hollywood. There is a mini blow up at this point between Simon and Randy but I don't care because all night the Producers have been hinting at the fact that we are supposed to witness some sort of breakdown. I'll pass thank you.
!
Marcus Phillips annoys the hell out of me. I don't like his shirt, his voice, his mouth (that's picky I know). He is an all terrain entertainer meaning that he is a self described singer, rapper, dancer, mime, Tiny Tim impersonator. Marcus's hair is really fancy. It is corn rolled into a labyrinth design. Marcus doesn't make it because he annoys the hell out of me. I wished it so. He says that's okay because well see him later. Okay, when are they going to air this episode?! I have heard this from at least 15 people so far this season!
!
Fun and fruity Jayne Santayana bounds into the room with her yellow piece of paper before she auditions. Not really. I think she was a Power Ranger at one time. She has that made for Bandai look and wears bright colors really well. If I was being overly critical, I would say that I think has a little professional polish on her. Has been in the biz a little while. I dunno. But what is really bizarre is that Simon doesn't like her but Randy and Paula do. This wouldn't be an unusual situation except that it is pretty clear that the girl was good. There is more back and forth between Simon, Paula and Randy. Ryan Secrets voice overs how there is some serious blow ups ahead and to prove this, the Producers insert a montage of various examples of push coming to shove during the San Francisco auditions.
!
Aaaaaaand here's the blow up that we've been promised. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Oh God. Will they ever finish the season. The music is all creepy. Help me. I'm-a scar-ed. You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille. Who let the dogs out. On and on and on. Honestly, I could do without all the drama. I just think it is so sad that North Carolina was a more entertaining show than San Francisco.
!
After all the trouble the Producers went through to get us worked up, we get sent to a commercial to calm down. The commercial playing however has an alarm clock sound in it. I HATE this!!! I think they should outlaw this kind of psychological torture. Stop adding the alarm clock sound! There is an advertisement for Nanny Mcfee which bugs me because it touts itself as the next Mary Poppins. It is NOT the next Mary Poppins. Please fight the temptation to think of it as such. I don't think an instant classic like Mary Poppins would use a Sting song and still try to convey itself as a period piece.
!
Either the commercial for Nanny McPhee is still playing or we are back and someone got ready for their audition this morning in the dark...and with no electricity! It turns out it's Deborah Dawn Tilley. She's a 27 year old going on 50 really really fast. She's really not fooling anyone. It's actually Molly Shannon doing another one of her crazy skits! Not a bad job singing although the judges do their best to find excuses not to send her on because they don't want her breaking a hip on stage or anything. Paula actually says yes but I think it was actually a Coke burp that sounded very much like a yes. Another heated blow up between the judges over what I can't really tell you it's all so insignificant and Simon storms out of the room and actually leaves the building. This is the official blow up that we saw on the commercials. Hope you liked it! Oddly, Ryan wasn't anywhere near the room when this happened but he gives us a complete run down on exactly what happened. Damn, he's good! So Paula and Randy are left to finish the auditions.
!
Our last audition is Manuel Viramontes. We spend about five minutes going over some really convoluted story about his favorite Saint and how that somehow ties in with his mother wanting kids. Maybe something about peace in the middle east, I don't know. Then before he sings he says some prayer in Latin and kisses his Saint necklace. It is all just too much for me. I officially don't care about any special interest stories from this point forward unless they deal with puppies or tracheotomies or people who use the phrase "my baby's daddy" in there somewhere. It just seems that everyone has something going for them other than their voice. To which I must add that, for all his elaborate wind up, Manuel's pitch was a foul. Like that baseball reference huh? Just trying out the sports lingo for a bit. What with Simon gone, our friend Mario just keeps going. Paula and Randy are at the point where they might need security before he actually stops singing and gets the hint. It is funny too because I think he thought he was going to do one of those "move towards the table and seduce Paula" things because he starts walking with arms all stretched out toward her. Denied!!! Err..."Yer out!" yeah, that's it. Gotta remember to keep in theme here.
!
Well, that's it, 18 people make it to Hollywood from the City by the Bay. Next week we'll be taking a gamble on there being good talent in Las Vegas. I wanted to use that line before Ryan Secrets gets to use it next week! Ha!