American Idol Auditions North Carolina - Shirley, Goodness and Mercy!

I'm teetering with excitement y'all as American Idol hits the south in North Carolina! Wha?! You say? Greensboro, North Carolina you say?! Yeah, me too but this is the place that brought us Clay Aiken and Fantasia Barino so the thought process must be that there's a-sumthin in the water 'round these parts!
!
The media junket/fly-over informs us that Greensboro is a small town. Ummm, if you all want to throw down, my home town actually just got rid of their stop light. Their one stop light. Now you tell me, what does a small town make? Funny thing is, if this all holds true to form my boy Patrick Hall may bring the Idol crazy train to NWA next year (that's Northwest Arkansas for the who's at home). You never know, they say that ambition is 2/3 of success. Actually nobody said that, I just had writer's block and made it up. Anyway, whatever. If you tuned in tonight and found the audition city to be a little less flashy than Hawaii or, dare I say...Orlando, you are probably not alone. But let's go ahead and enjoy the southern stylings of our vinegar-based BBQ loving friends in North Carolina. I can imagine that this will be the only year we audition here. I could be wrong.
!
Up first is North Carolinian Sabrina "the teenage witch" Oakley. I can't remember if I added the "teenage witch" thing or if she wrote it down for the Producers. Hmmm. Anyway, she proudly touts that she is used to winning karaoke contests...hoooo yeah, I can't imagine that not becoming an issue in Hollywood. Sabrina is unable to conjur up some light hearted teenage angst magic to get her out of this bidness. If this girl is winning any karaoke contests, she's doing it while assisting deaf club! She is all mouth and hip action which probably looks really good to those without the ability to hear. Simon barbs that she is more Jerry Springer than American Idol. A girl with this much shoulder action going on is bound to have a comeback to a statement like that. I swear she says "I don't take my clothes off and show my spread!" I'm only as good as my DVR but I swear that is what I heard!
!
Okay, this time around in North Carolina, they have set up the waiting room right outside the doors to the audition space. Goooood decision American Idol. The hilarity ensues when Sabrina the Teenage Karaoke Machine stomps out and explodes becoming a hot mess in front of thousands of shocked country folk. And from here the talent just oozes forth.
!
Cachet Robinson (also from North Carolina) is a self proclaimed shower singer. Just hearing her makes me go into a lather. Ooooooh, gotta rinse that grease right outta my hair. Simon makes a very canned joke about Cachet buying a sound proof shower curtain. Randy loves her name. I looked it up and it means "An edible wafer capsule used for enclosing an unpleasant-tasting drug." Nice.
!
Kellie Pickler...also from North Carolina is a waitress "where she has to do the roller skates." Sigh...It's called a Sonic honey!!! It's an honor and part of your heritage in the south! She is sweet and lives with her grandpa who is also sweet and loves sandwiches. He especially loves it when she goes into the kitchen to make him a sandwich, specifically. She tells us of the horrible horrible upbringing she has had with her drugged out dead beat dad and mother who didn't want her. It makes me sad. Of course we know she is going to do well because the camera crew has come to Albemarle, North Carolina to film her. I'm getting good at this! Also, during the audition I notice Kellie has used a Bedazzler! I love me some Bedazzled jeans! She auditions with Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and does an amazing job. It's like a Cherry Slush on a hot North Carolina day...with a chili dog maybe. She's going to Hollywood. Not because she has a Little Orphan Annie story (although the Producers LOVE it!), or has a last name like Pickler, or works at Sonic, or maybe just a little because of the latter but also because she sings real purtty.
!!!
Hey! It's Kevin Federline!!! Snap! It's really just some icky slick guy in a rented tux with Kevin Federline facial scratch. And it's our first non-North Carolina audition tonight. Shawn De Salazar from (sigh) Florida shows up to audition with his little brother (who has a mullet), his mom and a giant sign made which looks like it belonged at the back of a science fair volcano. There is a little something disturbing about the entire group. Oh, he brings the giant gimmick board into the audition and we finally get a good look at it. Written really big in the middle amongst many Wal-Mart 3X5 glossy prints, which are I'm sure taken only days earlier, is the sentence "We told my school that I had a family emergency, I'm probably in BIG trouble." Umm, where's the "hyuk!" at the end of that sentence? I feel it deserves a big old guffah or hyuk! I'm certainly laughing. And this is all before he even sings. By the way, the other gimmick is that he's a crooner. We need LOTS of them! You are probably shocked to know that Shawn does not progress to the next round. Not because he has seen the past 4 seasons of American Idol to know that you don't go anywhere on this show by practicing the near-dead art of "crooning" but because of that damn sign! I can feel a little bit of sadness for Shawn because that sign and the tux and everything had his mom's name all over it. I've seen the type. I bet the whole idea was hers! Hey mom, school just called. About that family emergency.....yeah. You had to see the little brother though, I'm not really sure who "got" the whole Idol experience that day but my money is on the mullet kid.
!
You know what everyone loves? A ventriloquist!!!!!! You asked for one and you got one! North Carolina has the gimmicks going on tonight. Richard Garland from right there in North Carolina travels with his pal Scottie the dummy and before you ask, yes he takes it into the audition with him. I don't know why actually as he only pulls out the puppet for like 20 seconds. See, some people use a gimmick and stick with it for the whole ride like say wearing a rented tux and making up some retarded essay complete with photos but not Richard. Richard knows just when to turn the gimmick off...as soon as he makes it past the screening committee. For all the gimmicking, Richard can't make it past the judges and so our hopes of seeing Scottie the dummy in those product placement fake commercials this season are utterly dashed.
!
Okay people can I just tell you that I hesitate greatly before I write a lot about little Ronda Jones. Our friend Ronda is just a little different than most people. She is kind of bird like and yet just a hint of Cousin Oliver. They take amazing footage of her getting out of her mini van slamming the passenger door like "watch out other bird like ladies!" Oh, she is from (shock) North Carolina as if any auditioner is from anywhere else tonight. Let's not make fun of her but she is absolutely comical! She wears this great hot pink felt cowboy hat that has charms on it and has Coke bottle glasses and a voice squeaky enough to match her mousy demeanor. She is not really short on self confidence or the ability to milk the sympathy vote as she self proclaims that she is sweet, cute and adoooorable, and that she would throw in a bag of gummi bears! The writing was on the wall for me the moment she rocked the mini van but I think the judges missed a well positioned opportunity when they didn't even give her the "You'd make a good cartoon voice" speech. Denied!!! But I'd be taking her up on the Gummi Bears.
!
You know what doesn't get you a trip to Hollywood automatically? Being in a uniform. It's already been proven. But Steven David Jr. hasn't seen the nasty cop from West Virginia yet as this was filmed way back in October or something. Steven reminds me a little of Vin Diesel but more annoying if that is at ALL possible. Actually, it's not really possible so I take that back. But the uniform does give him the slight edge. That and the fact that this dude can actually sing despite the hokey uniform gimmick. Like suspenders at a county fair, Paula is all over the place when this guy sings. Randy and Simon wheel her out from behind the desk leaving her to melt into a pool of foundation and autumn tones at his feet. Okay I have to say, I have been schooled. The uniform worked and the voice helped too I guess. Clearly this guy is going to Hollywood but first he has to detach Paula from his waist. His wife is greeted with an image I am sure she is all too familiar with, some strange woman clinging to her overly charismatic husband. God bless our troops and Steven David Jr. I suddenly imagine shades of Joshua Gracin but please Lord, don't make it so.
!
Halicia Thompson is from (!) North Carolina!! Bounding into the room I would describe her as cheerful and peppy or, in her own words, "I'm a very very people person." Ugh. Halicia has chosen to sing the theme song to "A Different World" Props!!!! Shout out to Dwayne Wayne!!! Simon thinks she is a natural and agrees she is a very very people person. Simon is also very very into Halicia. I'm not talking like mildly interested but come here and kiss me interested. Which he does. Which she gladly does as well. There are some serious undertones going on here. Subplot! This is something to watch out for folksies! Oh, she's in.
!
Donny Meacham from Georgia (thank God) has never let his mom hear him sing. Odd don't you think. He will be singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" for us which is appropriate as it was made famous again by North Carolinian Clay Aiken a few seasons ago. Donny I don't think has ever heard himself sing to be honest. The dear is clearly nervous, holding his hands close to his chest like he is clutching his school books. Paula gives him the "How do you think it went" riff, which is never a good thing. He is very precious and is just twisting in awkward pain while pulling both of his hands up to his mouth as if to bite his nails like some "B" horror movie scream queen. Ooooh, I feel bad for him. Poor Donny is doomed to keep his mom in the dark about a lot of things I think. Singing is the least of them.
!
Kendra Winston is next and she is also from North carolina.. I know that this is shocking for you. Kendra is a real success story as she has been in eleven foster homes growing up before becoming emancipated and starting a new life for herself. She has three kids of her own and works very hard to make a better life for them. She says that you don't know what a rough life you've had until there is no drama in it. I like that. Then she tells Ryan Secrets that he is hot. She lost some cool points there. Not even singing the theme song to "Sister Sister" can win those back at this point. What does win her some cool points is making "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" not sound cheesy when she belts it out. Simon really really likes her too. Hmmm. It is really nice to see her make it to Hollywood. Her family is excited for her and her kids are so proud. Kendra lets it all soak in for a second before turning to her cute little children as she holds her yellow piece of paper and says "You know this means I'm leaving you!" Ha!!! I love a girl with a sense of humor!
!
Next up is a guy named Chase who looks just like Rosie O'Donnell, but unlike Rosie, he isn't into drag. He actually has a brilliant voice and except for the Rosie thing, makes a great case for being moved on to Hollywood. Then all of a sudden the conversation breaks down into some girl chat between Simon, Randy, Paula and him about the do's and dont's of matching your blouse and shoes, which I might add Chase thinks Paula's shoes are fabulous!! What just happened?! Good news in the end, Chase makes it to La-La Land and makes a shoe buddy out of the whole ordeal.
!
Hey kidlets, guess what's hot this year! Purple leopard print with fringe! Chonna Clepper from Texas lets it all hang out tonight in her flashy nightie complete with sheer cape! Chonna got her taste in wardrobe (and I'm guessing name) from her mom who is a stripper. Her words, not mine. She does a fair job singing but it isn't good enough to send her out west. All in all, I think she is robbed of a well deserved opportunity to let her stuff hang out in LA seeing as how they let that jumping guy with no shoes in. Anyway, she takes rejection well and glides out of the audition room leaving a trail of fringe behind her.
!
Everyone say howdy to Jeffrey "Ryan" Baysden of North Carolina. Is Ryan is his middle name? If not then why is it in quotes and how does he get Ryan out of a nickname? Did someone one day say "Hey Ryan! Oh, my bad Jeff dawg, I thought you were Ryan..." and then everyone just thought it was funny and it stuck? Anyway, he sings country as well as he talks country and it's good enough to make it to L.A. but let's see him on disco night.
!
Next we are gonna name drop if you don't mind. You see, Cedric Robinson is a cousin to that Fantasia Barino girl. It's good enough to command an audience with the judges but I am not sure that wins you any points in actuality. After he sings "Chain of Fools" it is clear that Diana DeGarmo has more reason to be pissed off.
!
We are next introduced to Ann Nesby who Randy is just gushing over as she was part of the famous Sounds of Blackness group. Ann Nesby isn't coming in for an audition today but she is escorting her lovely granddaughter Paris Bennett. Oooh, a name drop and butt kiss all in one fail swoop. Normally I would be put off by stuff like this but (let me step out of my patois for a moment) "Daayum!" That girl can sing! Paula is so enamored that she asks Paris if she could "Bless us" with another song. Seriously, Paula asked if Paris would bless them with another song. So the second song is some amazing free form jazz dittie that just blows the Dixie Chicks song that she first sings away. There is enough love in the air to revive six dead hippies and at one point the noise level of the chitter chatter became distracting enough to give me hives. Grandma being famous once herself, hogs the camera after Paris leaves the room. What I didn't get was the fact that Paris was sobbing like this had been the only thing she ever wanted to do in life, which is probably true for most people, but being raised in a musical household I just can't imagine this is where she pictured the train stopping.
!
Day 2 of American Idol North Carolina and it's Simon's birthday. I expected hard liquor and botox but instead...a cake.
!
Marcus Behling is first and he is from Georgia. He loves Orange. He sings a Michael Jackson song in a way that makes you psychologically wish you had an external air tank hooked up to you. Holding long notes is one thing but peppering them after every word and holding them for two minutes is pointless. When asked if he has taken vocal lessons he admits he's watched the Paula and Randy DVD. I didn't know such a thing existed but after he mentions this, Simon uses it as an opportunity to clarify why Marcus is a failure. All the confusion leaves poor Marcus wondering what happened when the judges break down to inner joking about the horribleness of their Idol tie-in products like autobiographies and DVD's. They almost forget that Marcus is still in the room. Except that he is wearing shock orange and can hardly be missed.
!
Lord, what can I say about Sammy Neighbors. He is our second Rosie O'Donnell impersonator of the evening and for his big debut he is going to sing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. Actually, he calls it "I Can Show You The World" which I am sure you know is not the correct title but the first line of the song and is usually about the only thing most people can seem to muster before giving up. Coincidence? I think not. North Carolina has produced some of the most entertaining people I have ever seen! This state is fabulous!!! I would say Sammy's performance was slightly cabaret with a touch Vauldeville. It was a sweet rendition of "A Whole New World" except that it got remixed halfway through with "Straight Up." This little Rosie won't be going to market.
!
Another out of stater comes in the form of Tyra Juliette Schwartz. She is from New York City and she took the train to get here. Who takes a train these days?! To an American Idol audition!!!! She has a good voice and I notice she has Pocahontas hair, braided off to one side. Simon thinks that she might not be star material but could brush up pretty nicely. She takes this as an opportunity to let them know that the difference between her and a lot of the contestants if the work ethic involved in making through the competition. She says that she doesn't just deserve going to Hollywood just because it took a lot to get there. She is not patting herself on the back for waiting in line for the auditions. Good for her. Now I want to hear her complain about the 11 hour train ride! That's devotion!!!!
!
Then there was some horrible Michael Jackson impersonator. Errr, not saying that he put on makeup and wig and such but he just really really focused his energies in a very wrong way in adoration of the King of Pop. He did not make it to Hollywood.
!
Jordan Southerland comes up next from some place called Beulaville,North Carolina. Beula!!! Beula I tell you!! His dad is a firefighter so I am guessing that is why he comes into the audition dressed as one. I don't really get the whole thing. Anyway, he sings Josh Grobin because Simon loves Josh Grobin. Sigh. Give me mediocrity!!! Okay kids, my suggestion is this: Please lump all of the Josh Grobin "opera-light" and crooner people in the same pre-determined room in Hollywood that is going to get axed ahead of time and spare us the turmoil. Please!!!
!
Finally, Rhonetta Johnson from North Carolina. Sister has got to be the BEST fake contestant ever!!! Get this: African American girl in a blonde wig, silver glitter go-go boots, micro mini skirt and tube top. Not expressing the novelty of it all clearly? Okay, I'm hearing you. Rhonetta is also bigger than the average micro mini skirt wearer and is rolling with a little extra real estate just below the tube top. Oh, and if I am not mistaken, she has an "outie" and it's pierced. Rhonetta is taking the hotel lobby by storm y'all!! She gets her freak on in front of the cameras by prancing up and down the aisles dropping "F" bombs and practically doing cartwheels. By the way, great use of the Ameican Idol logo to cover her hoo hoo when she kicked her leg up in the air. She actually flashed her hoo hoo!!! Of course she says she dresses this nice all the time. Mmmmm'kay?! You know, this whole commentary writes itself from this point on. When she walks into the audition, she uses the little linoleum square like its her favorite street corner and at one point, I swear she picks her seat before launching into her second song! There is so much wrong with them putting this on the air that I can't begin to encapsulate all of the nuances. During the audition, Paula asks Rhonetta if she would like some water and offers her a drink from her very own personal Coke cup. It's bubbly water! At the time Rhonetta does one of these "waves" off to Paula and continues the train wreck but afterwards once the inevitable rejection comes from the judges, Rhonetta hilariously talks about the skank quality of Paula's drinking cup, Paula can just bow down . The departing shot shows Rhonetta in her natural environment on the streets of Greensboro as some car passes by really slowly checking out her next big thang!
!
So after two hours, only 9 people only make it to Hollywood from North Carolina, a great majority of them being from North carolina!!! Now hows that for