Tuesday, February 21, 2006

American Idol - 2/21/06 - The Girls

Right about HERE is where I would normally have started writing about our favorite little guilty pleasure but since I got a bug up my ass to write these things since the first audition, I feel as though it should already be time to avoid Top 40 radio for fear of hearing this year's ready-made Idol pop song. Thankfully, we've only just begun and the seeds of this year's soft core pop song are only starting to form in Regina Byrd and Michael Orland's mind.
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Ryan Secrets has come out of his 5 month slumber and now has brown hair and is wearing a table cloth. Ryan has become some strange Chuck Woolery clone shouting out things like "Let's hear it for the guys" and explaining the rules as if someone is going to walk away with a beautiful trip to Montana!!! In case you are new, during this stage of the competition we loose the bottom two girls and bottom two guys each week until we are left with a smoldering heap of 10 shiny boys and girls. From there it is anyone's game, but mostly the ones with the professionally made signs and most extended family in the audience. The judges are now out of the process except we know they still control the show because simple-minded Americans don't know what to think of Simon and will always vote for the person he says is talentless (and they usually are). To prove this Secrets probes Simon about being too harsh this season. And awaaaaay we go!
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Randys' glasses are fly, I've never noticed them before. He thinks that the competition is all about the boys this year. And can I just say "please" and "thank you" to that? I'm sick and tired of this Girl idol thing. Go ahead...lash out, but after Clay was robbed of the title and Ruben only used his fame to land him a permanent seat at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, I feel it is time to have a Guydol. Next year when the show begins and the elevator stops on the fifth floor of Idol Towers, I expect to see a man...unless it's Ace.
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First up is Mandisa. She reminds us that she and Simon have had a troubled past what with calling her France and all. On the flip side, it does look like the got a bigger stage. I'm just sayin'. She will be singing "Never" by Heart. Oh goody! The video screen is here agin this year! And there are flames! The flames are burning my retinas!!! Actually, it's probably Mandisa's Victoria's Secret bustier. If anyone could handle Heart, I would think it would be Manzilla but she had a few shaky moments. Of course after all the rough road she has traveled to get here, they give her pretty good compliments for her performance. I won't be disputin' anything much really. Ryan points out that she is wearing a red heart necklace alluding to the tie-in with the band Heart. She is confused about the comment because it is a really obscure thing to point out (unless you write a blog) but politely says she never really thought of it. Ryan is stupid.
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If you watched the show tonight you probably remember Kellie Pickler's heartfelt backstory (in case you missed it the first time) about her dad being in the hooskow. I'm sorry folks but Kellie's crying with the camera so close to her face that you can see her nose skittles is soooooo Channel 6 "Local Feature" that I have to laugh. But I love Kellie Pickler because she could totally be my sister. Not that my sister is like that at all (I must clarify) it's just that she is so sweet...like yams. Not sure of the song title but she is going local yocal and singing Martina McBride for us. Not her best performance but I did hear the kids clapping during the song. Paula thinks that her likeablility factor will get her through and not so much her voice. Paula...don't tell people that! Then they won't like her! Simon is being so sweet and level headed tonight. I wonder if it's because he's soft with the ladies or just because he is on Cialais. I guess we'll find out when we get to that bitch Brenna. I say bitch with the nicest possible meaning. You know, as in "irritable and un-pleasant." During Kellie's post performance interview we learn something new. DO NOT LET KELLIE PICKLER RUN WITH AN OPEN MIC! Something new for Idol, the artist herself coins her own tag line. She shouts "Pick Pickler!" Ryan doesn't like it because he didn't' think of it first.
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As we come back from commercial Ryan simply says "Welcome back. Girls tonight, guys tomorrow." Really Ryan? Was that a coded wish list or a personal statement?

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Becky O'Donohue's voice over is like something you would hear on a Lifetime movie. She all of a sudden becomes Mary Alice from Desperate Housewives. If she doesn't make it through Idol, get this girl a job shelling for Pizza Hut. She will be singing "Because the Night" because it was the first CD that she ever got. You know, I remember the first CD I ever got but it was like 18 years after the first tape I got. How sad. Now all kids talk about is what song they first heard on their iPod. Is it just me or can you not hear anything that she says? I wish that instead of a bustling traffic scene behind her on the video screen they would show subtitles. Sheesh! She is nice to look at though, that should get her somewhere...now how does that go again, Paula? I love how the girls in the red room upstairs are all hanging over the ledge like they are in some club. It's like soul train without a pulse. The judges comments start out nice with Randy because he is a dawg of course. Paula, who has Teen Wolf hair tonight says that her performance could really be better. Simon goes easy on her and calls her a 10 (which I'm sure she loves as a former Maxim model) but 5 or 6 girls are probably going to be much better than her. Her sister is there with no signs of bursting cyst burns. I was expecting like, a bone sticking out sideways like you would see in a Max Fleischer cartoon or something.
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Ryan reminds us that we need to vote to keep our favorite girl in the competition. I am cool with this but Ryan is my favorite but he doesn't have a number to call in for. What's your number Ryan? Ayla Brown talks sports at the beginning of her backstory. She tries to be interesting but can't seem to find the camera. Here it is! Noooo, over here! No wait! Look this way! Ha! Ha! Ha! Fools them every time. God bless her, she will be singing a song from a Disney film, the Top 40 pop version of the song of course. "Reflection" from Mulan as sung by Xtina. I can't help to think she has a Debra Messing vibe going on. I kept wanting to her to to completely ruin the series by marrying Leo or wanting to have Will's baby while she was up there singing. Oh wait... God, I have to keep these things straight. Kellie Pickler is singing along with her from her perch on the go-go stand above. Go Kellie Pickler! See, her generous personality will really let her go far. Randy likes the performance but mentions that there was some crack at the end. Wha?! That is seriously what he said. I hit the back button but didn't see anything. Paula and the Teen Wolf hair give her technical advice but mostly compliments. Simon sees emotion for the first time and he didn't even have to poke her with a sharp stick. All of a sudden Ryan looks Asian. I think Ryan got his tax refund a little early and had some work done. And by work I mean too much.
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Cute little Tamagotchi Paris Bennett is gonna honk her horn tonight with "Midnight Train to Georgia." she has a fly Gladys Knight feathered bob cut going on so she is really getting into character. From the get-go she has my attention. She has what looks to be a necklace made of dirty plastic Coca Cola 12-pack rings...but it works. Speaking of works, she is working the room! She is working the cameras, she is working the microphone, she is working the "horn honk" elbow tug, she is working me over, I am spent! Ladies and Gentleladies, I think we have our first person not being knocked off the show. Start printing your t-shirts folks, you'll get some mileage out of them. During her performance I have visions of Clay's "Solitaire." During the post performance interview Ryan keeps trying to prod her about what she wrote in her diary that is supposedly very funny. Apparently Ryan has read Paris's diary, that's the feeling I get. And what is so funny in there that Ryan would get so worked up about? Makeup tips?
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Everyone, say hello to this season's Lindsey Cardinale, Stevie Scott. This girl is gonna be gone before she even starts moving. Yes, I've made my decision even before she sings. This is the "Opera" girl. It just cannot bode well for her that "Opera girl" is how we are being introduced to her tonight. By the power of Constantine, please take her and the Crooner guy, or that Bucky Nascar guy while you're at it. Even more reason for her to get kicked off, she is going to sing a Josh Grobin song because he is an "inspiration" to her. Blech! Clearly she has never heard of Jeff Buckley or Elliot Smith or one of 100 other truly inspirational singers. Randy found himself daydreaming while she was singing. Me too! Could he have also been dreaming of how she bears an uncanny resemblance to Renee Zellwegger when she makes pouty faces during her citicism? Simon snaps back tinto form and equates her performance to a child on quaaludes singing at a picnic. She begs to the judges (not America mind you) to not be kicked off this week and then proves my point by gives us one of those really big Zellweger constipation faces. She talks about how she is going to bring it and how we had her at "hello."
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Oh gawd! It's the black hole otherwise known as Brenna Gethers. Everyone make sure you have your shots in case she bites! Just jumping ahead here, I can already imagine that Simon is going to equate her to "that slutty girl in the back of the classroom who was always trying to grab your winkie." It's a long shot but you never know. She is singing Stevie Wonder's "You are th Sunshine of my Life" and in a surprise move, she is trying to let us see the sensitive side of her personality by I guess not trashing someone. I'm not sure. This girl sings just like she talks, low and breathy. Not the good breathy either. Garlic and motor oil breathy. I think everyone there is praying that she gets voted off so that they can all enjoy the rest of their time on Idol. Randy says she chose a safe song and even then not enough to wow him. Randy tells her to be herself and chose song like suits that personality. If America doesn't vote her off, we might get to see that particular song which sould be either "Hollaback Girl" or "The Bitch is Back" take your pick. Paula is scared of Brenna so she says only nice things to her. Simon goes ahead and makes an analogy but it isn't the one I thought he would make about the girl in the back of the classroom...you know the one.
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Heather Cox is the "other" blond girl that no one remembers. I was trying really really really hard to remember something about her when they showed her little backstory but instead all I could pull up was what I had for lunch and I was just too exhausted to go on. She will be singing "When you tell me that you love me" from last year's group sing-a-long. In her backstory, she manages to tell us that 1) she has bad taste in music, 2) that she loves this show and 3) that she loves her parents. Let's see, check, check and check! That covers the basics. Thanks! I had forgotten how bad this song was from last year and it doesn't help trying to imagine her a part of that gaggle trying to remember their steps and the lyrics. Oh wait!! Now I remember why I don't remember her...she is completely forgettable. Okay, now I got it.
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Tonight is all about making the girls feel good about their looks. First Paula comforts Heather Cox by telling her that "they will remember how pretty you are," and now Ryan tells everyone that Melissa McGhee used to win beauty pageants. Gosh, aren't we all lucky this year! She will be pantomiming Faith Hill's "When the Lights Go Down." Okay. to be honest, I paused TV for just a second and left the room, then hit the live button and missed most of the performance and then saw everyone standing up cheering. I really get the feeling still that nothing amazing happened based on the fact that William Makar is holding his head up with his hand because he is so bored. The reviews are mixed but I don't think we found our American Idol just yet. What is interesting is that she mentions something that has been bugging me about half the contestants this year, this is the first time America has heard her sing. Thank you! We were so preoccupied with the Brittenum Sisters and Brenna's dirty mouth that we haven't heard half of the talent on here.
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Lisa Tucker will be singing "I Am Changing" by Jennifer Holiday which I imagined would be a song about turning into a werewolf since that seems to be the theme with Paula this evening, but sadly is was not. Nothing bad or unfortunate apparently has happened to Lisa during her journey on American Idol. How nice and utterly unexciting. With that being said, all we need is Paris Bennett to come in with a metal pipe and hit her in the shins. How about that sista! There's something to write home about! Her performance is good, a couple of glory notes, nice fluffy clouds behind her in the screen to make it look like she is flying. Nice. I personally think that the 16 year old's have it this year. Randy thought that she worked it out. Paula's Teen Wolf hair whips forward in a symbolic nod to her performance and the clever title of the song she chose. Simon thinks that in 5 years we will remember that this is the night we all "noticed" Lisa Tucker. In 5 years, all Lisa will be noticing is that she can legally buy alcohol!
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Kinnik Sky. Is that a stage name or what? I think it might be an anagram. Kinky Skin? Kinky will be singing "Get Here" by Oleta Adams. It's pretty good, she takes advantage of using those long notes to really open it up to freestyle. Randy gives it a 6, Paula thinks she looks stunning, mostly to build her confidence. Clearly each girl contestant gets a gift bag full of Paula's compliments and Clinque. Simon thinks that her performance is good but she has already been shown up by younger people. To this remark, Kinky returns the volley by calling the younger kids "babies."
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I think that Katharine McPhee looks just like Rachel Ray. I LOVE Rachel Ray so I am already liking this girl. Now if she can turn out pot stickers like Rachel, I'll be grooving on her. She is taking on Barbara Streisand's "Since I Fell For You." Katharine just does not have a very good stage presence. I can't tell if she is happy or excited or worried about her song...they're all the same face! Rachel Ray would have at least made a pucker face if she was worried. Do you remember those little puppets that would dance when you pressed in on the bottom of their little platform? This is all I could think about when she was up there singing. She just kind of jerked around at the knees in different directions as if soeone was working her little platform. Randy loved it. Paula's hair and forehead have gotten even higher than at the first of the show. Paula loves her and even shows her excitement by flailing her hands around wildly. Simon actually, actually tells us that she was the best vocalist of the evening. He ACTUALLY says this! Really!

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I don't know about you but I'm done with the powder puff session, let's get the Dawg Pound up here on this light-up disc! Tomorrow night, the boys!

4 comments:

Libby said...

Lowell and I were hoping that Paula's hair would not be spared the wrath of Skinny Tiedol. Thanks for not letting us down.

My most vomitous moment - Ayla Brown saying that she "grew up" watching Mulan. Mulan came out in 1998! YIKES

James said...

Maybe it was the teen wolf hair, but didn't Paula look very "old" last night? The producers better slip her some Percocet and add a little Stoli to her sippy cup. I perfer my Paula looped!

crit said...

you are out of your mind if you don't like Katherine McPhee....

your negativitiy isn't due to the "mary poppins" rip off currently at the movies, is it?

coffeygirlb said...

That was the funniest shit i've read in a long time. You have Katherine Mcphee described perfectly!!! Laughing my ass of seriously.