American Idol 2/22/06 - The Boyz

Welcome to the Dawg Pound! Tonight it is all about hearing the boys do their thing. Yes, yes, the girls are pretty amazing and not without their fair share of power house talent but throughout the auditions, it has been the male vocals that have stood out among the rest. Of course the males are also responsible for claiming those twin plops of chocolate filth that stole precious hours from our lives but we digress. I will say it right here and right now that it will be a guy that wins this thing in May. Unless that guy is a girl named Paris.
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The brown hair and puffy face is starting to grow on me, I almost recognize Ryan Secrets right away and I think that pink is definitely his color. However, please come up with a different jacket from here on out okay? On the topics of hitting the repeat button, Randy must own like, 200 paisley shirts. I have always thought of paisleys as being these little germs with hairs on the outside of their body. If paisleys were indeed parasites, Randy would could qualify for some sort of FEMA aid right about now.
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My boy Patrick Hall is up first tonight which worries me a little as going first is usually as good as instant death in the phone polls. Now before you all go beating up on Patrick, I just want you to know a few things. First of all, you are now in the Hall of Patrick. I am like Patrick's East Coast fan club President (or Senior Analyst at least) so anything you hear here is all about the P.Idol. Secondly, all of the really talented folks to come out of Gravette are skinny. So from one kid who grew up skinny in Gravette to another, "brother, I feel your pain!" Now, with that being said, Patrick has a new look with spiky hair and a goatee. I dig the hair a lot but it sort of moves him closer to the Clay Aiken label that Simon attached to him earlier that I believe he was trying to stay clear of. The goatee is something new for Patrick and it makes him look a lot older, not sure it that is his game plan or not, the jury is still out on this one. What really matters though is how the Hall of Patrick is going to bring it to Idol and help destroy the myth that going first = death. Patrick will be singing "Come to My Window" by Melissa Ethridge. Being that this is the first time we have been able to see Patrick sing a full song, I am impressed with his stage presence and range. Being that I have only heard him in church I have never been able to see him move like this or hit those rock high notes. Of course, in church you don't get a lot of lesbian rock songs. I am excited, it is really good. There is a shot of "Patrick's friends" in the audience and I can honestly say that they are not from Gravette. I may be shooting myself in the foot here but I have a journalistic duty to comment on....uh....whoa Nelly! Honestly, and I'm not trying to be mean here, did she have in those wax lips you used to be able to get at the Spee-Dee Mart? Don't flash that on the screen if you don't want to get a comment out of me. Sorry if this is a very dear friend of yours Patrick but also, if you get plastic surgery to get noticed....mission accomplished. Randy says his performance was not as good as in Hollywood but once he hit the high notes, it was really good. Paula thinks that Patrick's niche is giving people goosebumps like it is some sort of super power. If I had a super power it would be to do really well in math, not give people bumpy skin but I think what she says is a good thing. Simon points out that he picked a terrible song and I agree. Not that he didn't sing it well but Melissa Ethridge had her day but vocally I think she was rode hard and put away wet. She sounds like crusty rubbish to me. Simon doesn't really leave us with any truly happy thoughts about our boy Patrick but reading between the lines, he thinks he is a great performer but just had an off night. Okay, remember folks IDOLS-01! Secrets sets everything right and literally tells us that it was good feedback. Well, thanks Ryan!
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David Radford is up next and I'm sure he has brought his comically large bag of vauldvillian crooner tricks with him. He thinks that he is showing his range tonight by singing "A Thing Called Love." Ummm, David...."A Thing Called Love" is just about the most crooner-ish song outside of a Michael Buble album, and even then, I am sure somewhere along the line Michael sings it when he feels like rockin' out. Also, you sang it in the most obvious crooner style so...yeah, thanks for stretching yourself. Oh my gosh! The crowd shot reveals Stevie Scott dressed like Samara from The Ring. She frightens me in more ways than you can imagine. Randy wants to make one of Simon's analogies but takes too long with the wind-up. I finished the analogy before he even got to the punchline. Paula coins the term Paula's Poodle Pound which is so ridiculous, it is probably my favorite thing since "Ear Delicious." I LOVE IT! Let's hear it for Paula's Poodle lb! The girls make a noise simultaneously that doesn't so much sound like a bunch of dogs but more like baby chickens. Simon amazingly is able to squeeze Randy's crappy analogy like a lump of coal and produces a diamonel out of it. He thinks that people at home will love David's style but quite frankly, we've been down this road before my friends. I think that anyone with a cold could stand up there an sing Queen like it's coming out of an old Victrola. Maybe it's just me but....well, it's at least just me.
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There is a cute Coke commercial featuring a very thirsty guy at a diner who finishes his Coke but fears a refill for being charged for another glass. So without even asking, the waitress comes by and tops his glass off. The tagline is: Free refills, it should be a law. You know it should be a law. So should an extra scoop of crumbs at Long John Silvers.
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When we come back from commercial, a drugged out Leif Garret sits next to Ryan. It turns out that it is Bucky Nascar Skoal Moon Pie Mountain Dew Covington. Please no more closeups of Bucky. Please. Also, do not let him speak. Ever again. Just sing. Maybe. Hey, are you all sitting down? Good, because it may (I said may) surprise you that he will be singing...you're sitting down right? Okay, he will be singing Lynyrd Skynyrd tonight. It was apparently the first song he "learnt" on guitar. The video screen is very psychedelic but oddly not in the normal rainbow of colors but in black and white. Still, it makes me woozy, so do his rock squats. Bucky is big into rock squats. Ladies and gentleman, we have this year's dirt farmer replacement for Bo Bice. Randy thought that he had Bucky figured as more country than rock but he thinks it worked. Paula is very polite and darts her eyes around to avoid looking at Bucky's smile. Simon thinks he sounds better with a band than alone but thinks that you could find a lot of bars with the same act. Well, bars or barns. Either one. Ryan asks Bucky what he thought of the judges feedback and all I could get was "Ba bah ba ba ba be boo boop bip bap."
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William Makar, I am not sure what to make of him. Part of me loves the nostalgia of his Peter Brady image and part of me can't stand how happy he is. Not to disappoint me, he keeps the TV theme going by telling us that he will sing "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5 because he first heard the song and thought the kid in the song had a voice like his. Uhhhh Will, that "kid" would be Michael Jackson, I am assuming that you were talking about the King of Pop when you were comparing yourself to him right? Oh man. After seeing Will sing, the nostalgia part of me wins over and by the way, he sounds nothing like a young Michal Jackson. What is going on with the video screen behind Will? It is like how Jujubees are made as they drop from Heaven into the magical vat of liquid that makes them into yummy fruit shapes. After his performance, Will throws the Poodle Pound some sugar kisses. Randy thinks that besides not being able to fill MJ's shoes, he was truly entertaining. Paula calls him Bobby Brady which frustrates me because I had already typed my little joke and now she ruins it by having the advantage of being on live TV. Damn you Pauler!! Well you know what, I'm leaving the comment in just to show you that I have my pride. By the way, it is Peter Brady and not Bobby, Paula. Anyway, she calls his performance very vintage which I am sure makes David Radford jealous. "Hey, I want to be vintage too!" Simon thinks that it was a very average vocal performance. I personally thought it lacked the sequent jumpsuit with fringe and day glo backdrops that the Brady Kids had.
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Jose "Sway" Penala likes to think that he is just so smooth. If this wasn't true, he wouldn't have the nickname "Sway" and he also wouldn't be sporting that fancy velvet jacket and fancy hat as if he were possessed by the spirit of Nikko Smith. He will be singing Earth Wind and Fire's "Reasons" because his mom and dad would sing that song to him as a chid to put him to sleep. The song has the same effect on me and makes me very sleepy even when he reaches those Richard Simmons high notes. Randy likes the range of going from falsetto to his normal range. Paula thinks it is amazing but of course we knew that was coming because she gave the standing Paula for it. Simon thought is was "pimpy" which is comment enough to stand on its own. Simon has been on a roll with these lately. Okay, so by general means I guess Sway isn't a bad singer but what irks me is the media attention on his possible ineligibility due to the contract he had with his band, 6th Day when he auditioned. I really don't care at what point he had or didn't have a contract, just the fact that he has already made a living off of singing professionally is like, I don't know, letting Alexander McQueen try out for Project Runway. Okay, that analogy sucked worse than one of Randy's. I just don't like rooting for the...what's opposite of under dog?
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Up next is Chris Daughtry. I happen to really like Chris and think that he will for once bring a serious rock style to American Idol but he is going to sing "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi people! BON JOVI! Oh man, I would have never thought that I'd be forced to hear this on American Idol. Secretly though, I saw Young Guns like seven times! That's how much trust I have in y'all, that you won't spread that or anything. Hey look behind Chris, the stage is on fire! Watch out behind you Chris, you're so hot that you have caught the screen on fire! Sizzle! Keep your ass clear of the Poodle Pound man, ain't nothing worse than the smell of burnt dog. I was going to say bitches but I think I pepper my commentary with that too much as of late. Randy gives out comments like "really really good" an awful lot. He needs to get a new vocabulary and stop using that same phrase over and over again. Similar to making the poodle/bitch analogy. I know it's just too familiar but you gotta stop. Randy thought it was hot, or was it just the video screen? Paula says that she "admires his stance." His stance? You mean the way he has his legs spread? Paulaaaaaa! Simon thinks it was a good choice of song and he liked the movie as well, but not as much as me.
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HEY! Let's all play a drinking game. Every time that Ryan touches a contestant on the back or on the shoulder a little too long, take a drink. In about 20 minutes we should all be feeling really good!
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I'm so proud of Chicken Little for making it all the way to the Top 24 with his little caterpillar eyebrows and Munchkin voice. He will be singing "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight. Please Lord be with Chicken Little through this! Kevin is not your typical poster boy when you think of the American Idol image but what he does well is make you believe that the image could very well change. The song is very well executed although I think he has it in him to go the distance with the high notes that I haven't heard from him yet. Over in Paula's Poodle lb, I catch Paris doing the chicken dance with her arms tucked into her armpits like you see at weddings. Are the Idols reading the Skinny tie Report? Nahhhh. You can tell that Randy is giving him the kid glove treatment but still goes ahead and gives him a shout from the Dawg pound. Paula is all organic and gushy but doesn't really say much in the way of complimenting or criticizing. Simon is now on the Care Bears' hit list as he trashes Kevin's performance in front of billions of grandma's who think Kevin is so cute that they have already disowned their own grandchildren. Once again, they just kill me by showing Chicken Little's family. They are the genuine deal and make me think of my own parents. The reaction from Simon's comments by the now rabid pack of Paula's Poodle lb is such that I think that Kevin may need a police escort to his hotel room tonight.
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It is well known that I loves me some pudding but I have to tell you that I hates me that wiggle wiggle Jello commercial. The song is so odd that I somehow get embarrassed by watching it.
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Gedeon McKinney has "it." I really don't think so but that's what he says. In explaining that he will be singing the party favorite "Shout," Gedeon comes off like C3-PO with Steve Harvey's face. This isn't really a song that you pick if you want to show off your range unless you are being judged on how well you can say "heeeeeeyaaaaaaaayaaaa!" Frankly, I was afraid that he was going to do the whole [whispering] "little bit softer now" part which I hate. In fact, I refrain from taking part in this whenever I find myself at a social event that feels necessary to play that song. Randy and Paula are so hopped up on Alpo that they tell Gedeon it was fun and amazing. "Well guys, if you like that, next time I am going to sing the Macarena!" Simon once again gets it right but doesn't compare it to a cruise ship performer like I thought he would.
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It is now time to re-evaluate my wardrobe. Elliott Yamin has the same cassette tape belt buckle that I have. This only happened to me once before when I was at a Weezer concert and out of the entire stadium, I had to sit next to a 12 year old with the exact same t-shirt I had. A 12 year old!!! He was there with his mom!!! People asked all night if we were brothers. Ugh. I gave him a wedgie. Ryan introduces Elliott as the resident "rebel" of the group. During his backstory, Elliott hilariously mentions how he was "stuck" with one of the twins. You go Elliott! Like the rebel he is, he dangerously mentions that he sings a lot karaoke back home. In fact, he chooses a Stevie Wonder song that he did well with back home doing karaoke. Wow! Try living this one down man. Well, I guess it looks cooler with a bunch of beers in a pool hall back in Virginia than it does here on stage. I am not totally impressed but I like Elliot. And partially only because he has great taste in belt buckles. It goes without saying though that I can't stand looking at him. However, if Fantasia can sell CD's with that a face like that, then I guess he has a chance. Randy says "Yo Man!" No, no, no Randy it's "Yamin!" Randy says that he has the Stevie Wonder thing down... what?! Paula thought it was effortless. Simon thinks that potentially he is the best male vocalist that they've had in the history of American Idol. Where was I during that performance? Shouldn't I have been overcome by the vapors? Ryan notices that Elliott is sweating and manhandles him checking for sweat and tells us that Elliott is so hot that sweat is coming off of him. Drink up everyone!
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Bobby Bennet singing Barry Manilow's "Copa Cabana." I honestly do not know what to say.
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Gratuitous preening in... 3... 2... 1... Everyone put on your Ace goggles now! Ooooh, Ace is so pretty. Look at how he languishes on the rail of the Coke Room. Gander at those greasy locks! Oogle at the intense pouty face that took hours to perfect! People, "X" factor doesn't just fall into place like this, it takes volumes upon volumes of Teen People to perfect it! With either honest reverence or serious confusion, he picks George Michael's "Father Figure" to sing for us. No hidden meanings there. Ace is so natural on stage it looks like he has done all of this before. Oh wait, he has!. I think this is the first time that I have heard an Idol song with the word "naked" in it. How is that? Ace continues his love affair with the camera, perfectly timing his glances to it. Randy does everything but tell us to vote for him. Paula also helps destroy anyone elses chance of getting a vote. She also mentions how many of her guy friends are in love with Ace. Simon loved the choice of song and tells him he has the infamous "X" factor. Sigh...I guess that we are stuck with Ace Bandage for a while. His brother is in the audience. Why didn't he tell us that his brother was Jared Leto? This changes everything! There is so much unnecessary love going on up there on the stage, it is odd watching the orgy and not wanting to join in.
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For once, Taylor Hicks isn't singing something from the Joe Cocker library. He chooses "Levon" by Sir Elton John. I like Taylor's look tonight, very rich and velvety. The extra special bonus for us is that he tones down the seizure action for this round. Of course he peppers a few signature jerks and twists in there. Honestly a much more feel good and accessible performance than the polished "my looks will get me by" Ace performance. Randy and Paula love it. Simon takes back what he said earlier about not thinking Taylor will make it to the finals. After the tepid Sway, Bobby, Ace, David performances, this is really why America watches this show, to see something out of the ordinary. I have to admit that Taylor has the best slot for the first night's go around, not that he is going to need any help. He takes control of the Ryan flirt and hugs back which leaves Secrets stunned and disarmed. Remember this kids if you ever encounter one wild on the streets. Taylor also creates his own shout out ala "Pick Pickler" and names it the "Soul Patrol." Hmmm, maybe "Let's Hear it for Harmonicas?" or "Hicks' Nervous Ticks?" I dunno.
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Tomorrow night....we kill a puppy!