Thursday, February 23, 2006

American Idol - Now With A Hint Of Bitterness!

Okay, would it have killed you to pick up a phone? No, not you ...YOU!
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I mean, I don't ask for much and...well, maybe I didn't make myself clear when I asked you to get excited about the Hall of Patrick. And really, how could you have known? I mean, I rarely mentioned how cool it was that someone from my small home town made it to the Top 24 of American Idol. I spared no expense with the exclamation marks after every sentence that included the words Patrick + Hall. Hell, I even leaked the information early that he was going to make it to the Top 24 so you could get a head start!!! People, I can't hold your hand or anything!
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All kidding aside, I'm sure you all called until there was a bright red "01" imprinted on your index finger. I don't blame America...well, kinda I do. I blame the lady with the bee stung lips! It isn't like the phone calls matter anyway! I don't for one minute think that anyone but militant members of Ansar al-Sunna in war-torn Iraq would have voted for Brenna Gethers but guess what?! Here she still is!! Right over there! Like some Herpes outbreak that you swear you had gotten rid of! Possibly with a hint of bitterness yes, but don't think for one moment that the fate of our Idol doesn't rest firmly in the hamtacular fingers of the Producers. Thank you for listening kids, you all are free to go. Oh, but you are grounded and I'm taking away your phone privileges. Not that they did you a lot of good anyway.
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Kidding!!! No seriously, you suck.
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But the show must go on and I am not one to get hit while playing dodgeball and run away crying. I am here to guide you through the wasteland that is American Idol until we reach the promised land my friends. I am determined to chew through this show like Bucky Covington chews through a stack of flapjacks! Not until the shrink wrapped disc of gooey goodness from your Idol King or Queen hits the shelves of the Big K will I rest. Seriously, I am losing tons of sleep!
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Okay, here is my recap of the show as it happened, as I tried to furiously keep up. Ryan takes about 10 minutes tonight to go over the same old crap that we already knew from the past two nights (because clearly some of you weren't watching!) and he even throws in some vintage clips from the audition round. You can tell that he is stretching this out to fill time because I distinctly hear the background loop completing a cycle and starting over. A talent I guess from living in the Theme Park world for so long. Nothing like some good BGM loops my friend! The judges are asked some vaguely pointed questions about the contestants likeability factor, what they had for breakfast, Paula's intimacy problems, etc... I am not sure what she was talking about but Paula makes some mention of someone's ability to "pierce the heartstrings of America," which paints a mental visual that I gladly take to my dark place and reserve the right to call up whenever the mood hits me. Maybe in traffic on the 408, I dunno. I'll let you know.
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I sometimes forget the simple pleasures of American Idol. Like the group sing-a-ding-ding that they do. Just when you think that Idol is all about a seedy battle of attitude and oil slicks, we suddenly flip over and all of sudden it's a scene from "The Brady's Take Hollywood." For this first one, the Idols will sing "Take it Easy" by The Eagles. It is so messy and all over the place, I equate it to Idol stew. A Stew is a thick soup made of vegetables and meats cooked in some sort of broth or sauce. It has all kinds of flavors. Over here in one corner of the auditorium is the corn and potatoes of American Idol with maybe a few chunks of select meat floating over there. It has a pungent taste to me. First of all, many of the Idol chunks are spread out all over the place. You almost have to have a guide map to find anyone. Secondly, it all happens so fast that it is hard to keep up everyone with exception of Mandiesel who is is front and center. She is the glorious bottom round rump roast in my little bowl of Idol stew. I choke a little on the gristly bit of fat that is David Radford though, I can hardly choke it down it is so bad.
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I can't say much about the judges tonight except that Randy is wearing one of the many shades of Paisley that he owns. This one is blood clot colored. I must remember to check the price of paisley stock. Paula has it together tonight showing come cleavage and what looks like an off the shoulder blouse with the same pattern that Bill Cosby used in many of his sweaters, but the hair was pretty. Simon opted for the baby blue v-neck Old Navy crew tonight.
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We go over to the girls who are sitting on the blue elimination couches on one side of the stage. We must keep the boys away, they are relegated to the "Red Room" because they simply can't be trusted. We interview Brenna first who says that she is like a duck. She is calm on the outside but paddling like hell underneath. That is called knowing you are at the end of your rope honey. Paris apparently had a dream about American Idol last night. Really!? How odd is that! Honestly though, isn't that probably the coolest thing to say though because you are on American Idol so what better way to "mind eff" yourself and impress your friends by being able to say that you dreamt about being on American Idol when you actually are on American Idol! It's so complex that I just dribbled some Mr. Pibb out the corner of my mouth thinking about it! Paris is dressed exactly like Madonna from the "Like A Prayer" days complete with 80's style black lace top and giant cross. Heather Cox also has a cross to bare but she is dressed like Debbie Gibson.
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We go one by one trying to single out the girls with the least amount of votes. The obvious girls Paris, Mandizzle, Lisa Tucker and Kellie are all safe. So far America has gotten it right. Stevie makes her Renee Zellweger face but I could care less. Becky O'Donohue's name is called to come down to the floor. She is shocked because she is so freakin' HOT and shouldn't be there based on looks. Kinnik and Brenna are also called down to join Heather. In a long shot, I notice that Becky is wearing jeans under her hippie dress. Pardon my sudden loss of memory in the ways of couture but is that how it's done? Kinnik is sent back to the safety of her big blue couch to which Heather (obviously not aware that cameras are on her every waking second) rolls her eyes dramatically in disgust. The producers try and make us think that people hated Brenna by having her in the bottom three but we know that she is all part of the plan so they keep her and kick Becky off. As is the tradition on Idol, they make Becky do the song of shame, singing the song that got her kicked off one more time. Honestly, I couldn't imagine being able to put any feeling into my farewell song especially if I knew that Brenna was probably standing behind me all catty saying "Mmm hmmm, that's right....y'all bitches better step! Bling Bling!"

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So, it looks like we are done with the girls for the moment so I am not sure why the Producers are staging it this way. It makes no sense to allude to the fact that Becky and Brenna are the bottom two if you aren't going to eliminate them both right then and there. Unless they are just idiots, then Brenna must have been a decoy. And if that's the case, I'll be one pissed off pooch.
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We switch over to the guys now. I swear that Elliott Yamin is a werewolf. I am not sure how it happened but he is slowly but surely transforming a little more each show. I pray for the safety of the other Idol contestants. By the end of this, I fully expect to have Chicken Little come up missing with only a pair of spectacles and two bushy eyebrows left behind as clues to his demise. Kevin Covais proves to us that he is the mack DADDY of the crew. The best part of Idol so far was last night's PG-13 cheek pinching moment. Cutting right to the chase, the lowest number of votes here are Bobby Bennett and Sway. Just to make us feel superior, like we know a lot about music criticism, they cut Bobby and we all sigh a collective breath of relief. Comic relief! Just to ask, what kind of grandma would ask her grandson to sing "Copa Cabana" live in front of millions of people?! Was she from the crazy black and white times? Did she eat cat food? Paula sprays Hydrochloric acid in his already gaping emotional would by telling him that he has a future in musical comedy. Musical comedy? What does that mean?! What! You know, Bobby reminds me of Frank Nelson from the Jack Benny Show. I keep expecting him to turn to the camera and say "Yeeeeeeessssss?!" I'm sorry for that reference but if you knew what I was talking about, it would be sheer genius.
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Back to the girls. Ryan is all foreboding and mysterious. The back row is safe...again. Big surprise! Amazingly, (not) Brenna is safe. Why is this? I just love the Producers messing with our heads. Hilariously no one claps for Brenna. Hey Producers, it's because NO ONE IN HELL LIKES THIS BITCH! I take that back, I'm sorry. What I meant to say is not even anyone in Hell... Ryan is an idiot by telling Heather and Stevie to both stand up only to tell Heather to sit back down as soon as becomes vertical. Wow, thanks for that amazing elimination tactic! Stevie really plays up her squishy face to make us all weep. I need a refill on Restasis.
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When we come back to the guys, Ryan is barking orders like a prissy Sorority sister. "File two single lines flanking me on either side." Somehow, it seems a little unnecessary. Next week he will make them form a pentagram, and then a pyramid. He is really having fun torturing these kids in all kinds of ways.
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What happens next completely floors me. Not in my wildest dreams did I think that I would see Patrick get cut within the first elimination round, or really, at all! That's how much faith I had! And you know what, I am not sorry one bit that I stood behind him. In addition to being a really gifted musician and singer, he is a really great guy. Part of me is thankful that he had this experience and can now go back home to a town that I know is very proud of him and will treat him with as much respect and care as they would for anyone they claim as their own. Moreover, he will continue to do great things with this gift that God has given him and make lots of people feel very special, no one more so than his wife Laura. I wish him the best and kind of feel glad that he is once again ours to appreciate and spoil without all the Hollywood image and inaccessibility that would have come with American Idol. I found it appropriate that the last line of the song he sang was "I'm coming home." You did well buddy. Welcome home!
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6 comments:

Kori B said...

I still can not believe last night's events... I keep replaying it in my head and want to cry all over again. But I know that Patrick will push on and move past this, coming out stronger and better than ever. I am just so proud of him, he held his head high and let all of America know that this would not be the end of Patrick Hall!

coffeygirlb said...

VERY funny post Mike.
On another note however. I am so completely traumatized by last nights happenings. It was wrong, just WRONG. I cried, I yelled, I cried somemore. America effed up and I'm pissed. I never imagined that it would go down like this. We who know and love Patrick know that he WILL do great things with his talent. Damn stupid voters and non-voters. I'm glad that he gets to go home to his new wife though. Errrgg.

coffeygirlb said...

Sorry one more thing to say. I was so proud of how much grace he handled the situation with. He was so humble and yet still proud and thankful. I don't think anyone can argue that he was the most polished man there!!

OrlandoBound said...

Hi Betamike. Couldn't agree with you more about Patrick. Those of us that know and love him know that this won't be the last America will hear of him. Thanks for the great recap.

On a different note, I noticed that you're a long-time resident of Orlando. I'm headed there on business this week and was wondering if you could give me any suggestions for places to go in the evenings that are less tourist oriented and better known by locals? Any suggestions you could give would be appreciated!

Thanks!

betamike said...

Thanks for your posts everyone. Kori and Bethany, I couldn't agree more that I was just numb for about 5 minutes after the announcement. Damn those Brittenum Brothers!!! I feel that 1) if he hadn't drawn the shortest straw to go first, things might be different. 2) if we hadn't spent so much time on the Brittenum's we would have seen Patrick sing loooong before the first elimination night and 3)when they were asked to take risks (like Patrick did) that basically = guaranteed elimination. There is no justice.

Orlandobound. There are plenty of non-touristy things to do but it depends on how you want to spend the evening. The Millenia area (by Millenia Mall) just off of I-4 before John Young exit has a lot of sophisticated eating and shopping with just enough distance from the tourist hub-bub. College Park offers many nice restaurants and shopping. The best way to explore this area is to take the Princeton Exit and go left toward the College Park area. "Taste" is a great tapas type restaurant.

Anonymous said...

I am also mad, disgusted, and sad about the fact that probably the most talented guy there got kicked off. I can't imagine what the judges wanted. They told a couple of the girls that they should have taken a risk and stretched themselves, and when Patrick did that very thing, they said it was not a good move. And , like you said, he got no screen time other than one song in Hollywood, and he blew everyone away with "If". Both times he did get camera time, the judges commented about his great voice but looking at him they did not see a star. Since they did not make a comment like that to anyone else, are we to assume that the rest of them do look like stars? Yeah, I really think Sway, Kevin, Bucky, Elliott, Taylor all look really sexy and like stars!
The judges and America really messed up. There is no way they truly think that some of these guys are better singers than Patrick. I am finished with this show forever!