American Idol Auditions Boston - Y'all May Call Me The Next Clay Aiiiiiiiken!

Wicked Awesome! Hey kids, we are almost at the end of the audition trail and boy do we need a bath! I don't know bout you but after sitting through four weeks of auditions, I feel as dirty and worn out as one of Rhonetta Johnson's wigs. With nothing to show for it either! This year has not provided any stand-out star material like when Clay auditioned back in '03, at least for me anyway. Hopefully tomorrow night we will begin separating the wheat from the chaff, the Malt from the O'Meal, the Timberlake's from the Federline's. Oooooh, speaking of Claaaaaaay......oh man, promise, promises. I really hope that Ryan ain't foolin' with that teaser clip. You know how I love me some Clay, especially gay! Hey, if it rhymes it ain't a crimes.
!
First up to waste our time is James "Ghost" Yokley. Is there anyone more patriotic (besides Lee Greenwood, natch.) or more black, except white (besides Eminem, natch)? This dude would confuse even the most savvy of those that speak street. He has a really cool nickname of "Ghost" because of blaaaaah blah blah, can't remember and an even cooler belt buckle to match that says appropriately enough "Ghost." I do not believe that he had this made for him, I think that there is a huge market for belt buckles that say "Ghost." Just last week I found one at Urban Outfitters that said "Burglar" and another at Hot Topic that said "Sarafina." These of course come from the ultra hip Whoopi Goldberg film collection of belt buckles. Check the crotch area of the hoodlum nearest you! For all his "game" I bet if you woke James up at 3 am he would be all like "I say, what ever are you doing here this early in the morning. Would you like some tea, possibly juice?" I commend Ghost for embracing the heritage of his home city and the adoration he shows for our troops by flying America's gang colors, red, white and blue. But I am not sure Patriotic rap is what today's audition calls for. Paula seems to surprise him when she lets him know this is a singing competition. He does manage to get out about two bars of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or something but it looks like Boston will still be able to keep Ghost and cultivate their own form of Patriotic rap, seen nowhere else in the U.S.A. (except for possibly Philly. Or maybe Baltimore. Or Canada).
!
Even rich and privileged kids have talent! And money, but that's already implied. Ayla Brown is the daughter of a Senator and her mother is a local TV Celebrity so automatically she should make it to Hollywood and have her own room, and not have to perform in one of those icky groups of four, and be photographed only on her left side. Oddly with all of the kids standing for hours out in the rain, Ayla is completely dry, fresh faced and pressed. As she bops into the audition room, she has a look of "something smells" on her face. You know the one? I saw Tina Tuner do it several times in her videos, specifically "What's Love Got To Do Wit It." You scrunch up your nose and squint your eyes like so. Does anyone know what I am talking about? Anyone? No? Anway, she has this look to her. Her voice is good, I'm not hating her for actually having talent to fall back on should, I don't know, mom's morning show get canceled or Dad get indicted. Randy says yes, Simon says no. Now it is up to Paula. You see, Ayla also plays basketball and has a scholarship waiting for her so the question is posed that if she does really well in Hollywood, would she rather focus on her scholarship and career rather than risk not making it on American Idol should you know, her mom accidentally drop the "F" bomb on the air like, 18 times or her dad suddenly get the urge to quit his government job and follow his dream of impersonating Liza with a "Z." So much to think about. She thinks that she can balance school and American Idol at the same time so Paula says yes. Everyone is happy for Ayla, mom and dad are there to greet her at the door. Her mom of course wants to know what Simon said because being a local TV personality, I am sure that she mentioned maybe just once that A.I. was coming to audition and how she just thinks Simon is so mean. It's funny because Simon of course said "No" to Ayla so her mom does a classic "non-threatening mad" being that her reactions are programmed for the masses and no one really wants to see her drop the "F" bomb for real. Except for me kinda.
!
We now go from patriotic Nationalist to sassy Azerbaijanist. Irada Jafarova thinks she is the next American Idol because she is the whole package. She actually asks us if we want to "See her whole package." Ummm, no. The flower in your hair is enough. Really, it is too much. I am not sure what it is with the Europeans and their performance art but "Unbreak My Heart" turns into an Epic affair with sweeping arm gestures and kneeling as if she is singing to the small waif Eponine from Les Miserables. When that doesn't work she switches songs and turns into some burlesque stripper and begins taking off layers of clothes. She tries for the flower but it is stuck in her hair and can't seem to get it out so it just hangs there like her dignity. The way she stomps around in her too-big-for-her heels, with her state of half undress and limp swinging flower, she literally looks like a wet hooker after a night out in Boston. Pass! Hilariously, she doesn't wait around for the judges decision and storms out of the room after dropping her coat. Then her jacket. Then her lipstick.
!
The next few people are really bad but since the producers didn't feel like dedicating an entire audition to them, neither will I. Suffice it to say that the guy who did C+C Music Factory rawked! Come on now sweat, sweaaaaheaaaaat!
!
Have you all been watching? Notice someone absent so far? For instance, there seems to be a lot more oxygen to go around tonight. No one sucking it all up. No unspecific ironic t-shirts being worn by anyone? Still don't get it? There hasn't been a Secrets all night so far! I wonder where he is! NKOTB Museum possibly? hmmmm.
!
Meet the O'Donahue twins, Rebecca and Jessica. Being that they are from Boston and with a name like O'Donahue, you just know they gotta be ... hard to find in the phone book what with the apostrophe thing. They are both really gorgeous and have great personalities. Unfortunately Jessica will be singing today. Rather without warning or any inhibitions, one of the sisters explains in detail that the reason she won't be auditioning is that she has just had surgery on there vocal chords due to a ruptured cyst that burst. Ruptured! Cyst! Burst! RUPTURED CYST BURSTING!!! Faith and begorrah! There are some things that I am just not meant to know. So Rebecca O'Donahue auditions solo singing "Black Velvet" while her sister cysts ... I mean sits over where the girl in the blue shirt ususally hands out yellow papers to the lucky kids. Rebecca is a little on the singing-with-my-hands-too-much side of things but it may come from the non-verbal (or even telepathic?) coaching that the cyst sister is doing from the sidelines as she is also waaaaay too handsy. Again Simon votes no, Randy votes yes and Paula breaks the tie by voting yes. Assuming that Jessica recovers by the time Hollywood rolls around, lets see if they trade off during the L.A. auditions ala' The Parent Trap!
!
Half black, half white, all frizzy! Tatiana "Princaaaaysa" Ward has something to prove. You see, her mother married a man outside of her race when she was young and Grandma did not approve. Since then it's been all about proving Mamaw wrong! What this girl needs to prove is not to her Gramma but to us. Please please please don't let this sparkly young thing turn out to be this season's Mikalah Gordon! I love me some Miks but you know, she did get a smidge annoying after a while what with her asking Simon to the prom, etc. Similar personality here, similar look ... I sense dooooom! She is better on her banter than her singing in my opinion. She loves Randy's sweater but she's not just saying that she really. Really I do too! She thinks Paula is the sexiest, but Randy is the hottest. Man, she is totally manipulative, and it works! She throws Randy a bone and tells him she picked the song she sang because of him and so of course he votes her through, Simon says no (as usual), and the seventh seal of Mikalah is broken open as Paula invites Tatiana to Hollywood.
!
A short montage follows of a lot of people getting yellow pieces of paper. All of them ladies. The ladies really rack up. Get it? "Rack" up? It worked in seventh grade for cheese sakes! What do you want, I'm not Ryan Secrets!
!
Speak of the troll! Ryan finally shows up and makes an appearance in the last half of the montage. Good to see you Ryan, where you been!
!
During the break I see that the wretched Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme commercial is back. Go suck a big one Yum! Brand foods! This thing creeps me out to no extent! Honestly, it is Satan.
!
When we come back we have to focus on Ryan a little bit since he wasn't around in the first half of the show. We are forced to be reminded that he has a star on Hollywood Blvd for NO APPARENT REASON except to make future civilizations mock us. Yes, Ryan is so amazing but all of this mental numchucking is to lead us in to a focus on the weird jobs that each of these contestants has had. Krispy Kreme, Ditch Digger, Piano Gallery representative, Drag Queen (it's a job honey), leaf blower, fit model .... How about working in an adult day care center in Boston with folks who are actually old enough to have scrapbooks commemorating time time when they took part in the Boston Tea Party! Holly Corrente is an activities director at just such a facility. I think she has a great sound. Paula thinks her style is classic and old fashioned. Probably because she actually knows all the words to "The Continental" and sings it every day at her job. Frankly, a job hazard if you ask me. You might come out of an experience like that mumbling about penny candy, Hoovervillians and Apple Mary's while shouting "23 Skidoo!" Fearing a Depression retro-style comeback, the judges pass.
!
Up next is Kenneth Maccarone. Ha! I got that one spelled right even before they flashed it up on the screen. Go me! That's they thing with these kids on here these days. They all got crazy names or nicknames like "Sway" or "Ghost" and it really makes it hard to write a continual stream of thought when you aren't sure how they spell their name and by the time they put it up there, you are already halfway through your joke about them so you don't bother to stop. It's really hard to do. Thank God for DVR's! But enough about you! Ken sings a Cher song just. like. Cher. sings. Actually, it sounds a bit more like Jack McFarland mimicking Cher. The judges think it sounds pretty good for a Cher impersonation. Clearly not aware of the recent outcries from the GLAAD folks (just one of the hilarious beauties of filming a show way in advance), Simon pulls a "My advice, become a female impersonator" line. Ken is not offended by this at all and actually takes it as a compliment as it boosts his cred amongst Cheries (umm, just made that up). What Ken doesn't get is why being able to sing like Cher equals having to put on a dress. He smartly asks Simon that if all this were true, why wasn't he dressing like the backside of his pants. Shhhhhhh... kids, I think Ken was calling Simon an ass. What just happened? I'm not really sure. The audition was bad, Ken got a good one in on Simon and we filled about 5 minutes of airtime.
!
Ohmigod! Chicken Little is here! Get your autograph books ready! Wow, look at those eyebrows! Boston has seen a lot of younger contestants, Kevin Covais (only 16) thinks that he is ready to become our next American Idol despite his age. Very non-descript, (aside from that Chicken Little thing) he sings Josh Groanbin very very very well. I think that you can see Simon touch himself. Seriously! Actually his finger is just resting there but it looks like it. Josh Grobin + Simon + young'un = success! Usually. Ironically, Simon doesn't think that anyone over the age of 18 would be able to relate to him because he is too young. Paula, who has historically this season passed on the jail bait disagrees and votes yes. Randy is thinking Arby's and votes yes.
!
The sing-the-same-song montage this week is "Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog." Why this song? I am glad this is the last audition city because I think that this gimmick has become really transparent. For instance, did everyone just happen to sing this song during their audition? Oh really? Even the guys decked out in the spikes and helmets huh. Interesting. I wasn't aware that guys who look like they belong in Gwar enjoy a little Creedence Clearwater Revival now and then. Interesting! This gimmick is so planned that the Gwar guys are heard asking for the next line because they truly don't know the song. Hilarious! Yes, I am aware that they intentionally left that line in to mock themselves. Nevertheless, the sing-the-same-song gimmick will soon be replaced by the Product Placement fakemmercial once the final 12 get going! I can't wait!
!

!
WHOOOP! WHOOOP! WHOOP!

GAY CLAY ALERT!!! CLAY CLAY ALERT!!!!
!

!
Drum roll please! The moment you have all been waiting for! As promised, Michael Sandecki as the next Clay Aiken! Or as I now quote over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over in my head, "Y'all may call me the next Clay Aiiiiiiiken!" I really can't do it justice by typing it without the sing-song ending on "Aiiiiken" but if you witnessed it, you know what I mean. Sigh... Life is good.

!
Mike sings "In The Still of the Night" in not a very pleasing way at all. It isn't so much pitchy as it is, um...lispy. In fact, glass shattered in my house. As if a gift sent from the comedy Gods, Mike then exclaims "I really can sing, I'm just as nervous as hell and I gotta pee!" Oh the rich, rich goldmine of laughter that Gay Aiken has given unto us. They play Chariots of Fire as he rushes off to use the toilet (they make sure they show him washing his hands). I would have enjoyed it much more if they would have used the theme to Benny Hill however. When he comes back, it is obvious that no release of bodily fluids was going to help him. This kids has only one thing going for him, a lucrative career doing female impersonations of Clay Aiken. He merely 10 seconds to try again but only 5 are needed to know that the answer is NO! The audition ends abruptly. They is mean to Gay Aiken.
!
28 people from Bahston head to Hollywood.
!
To end the show, a montage to end all montages. All the people, all the cities, all the sadness. There's the guy with the pit stains from the first show, awwww. There's all the too short mini skirts, the Paris Hilton fake bake girl, Rochelle and her bus load of family with the t-shirts, The bird girl with the pink cowboy hat with the charms on it (who promised gummi bears dammit!). Oooh, Tessie Mae Reid and her braids from last week! There's Paula the fashion genius with her diamonel braces. The Incredible Hulk's wife. The Brittenum Brothers are shown even though one of them is in jail. There's Gay Aiken, who we just saw, Ooooh, and of course Rhonetta Johnson.
!
Tomorrow! 175 contestants put through to Hollywood. Who will make it to the top 24! Who will die! I can't wait!
!
By the way, did you all see Patrick Hall at the end say "This is incredible" looking out into the empty auditorium? No? DVR baby! DVR! It was him! Yeah!