American Idol Hollywood Part II - The Sequel

It's Valentine's Day! Happy V-heart Day everyone! Hope you all had a great time with your significants, your "true loves"... your betrothed, your baby, sweetie, sugar pie, honeybunch, cat, dog, lizard, hamster, palmetto bug, Jackie Collins novel accompanied by glass of Sutter Home. Yeeeaaah, sigh... So, I had nothing better to do than to sit down with my sweet tea and box of dark Choxie (with moxie!) and have a go at recapping what the hell has been going on in Hollywood with our 99 remaining contestants. Yes, that's right. Ninetay-Nine! 175 minus 99 - still way too many dawg! Let's see if we can do a-sumthin' about that!
!
I must have been in one of my LJS Crumb comas when they announced this but the group sorting has gone all Rhonetta Johnson on us this year. I mean, it's stone cold "Bitch betta get down and mutha@$!#ing worship" crazy up in the Orpheum! Take a look, over here we got a 6 foot tall white boy with what looks to be two RU The Girl hopefuls. Over here we have all three cowboys together, and further down the line we got... well, I still can't get over the girl/boy combo. Did they ever do this before or did they let the groups form without the consent of the judges this time?
!
If you will look down the hall we have Brittenum brother Bitchy making noise (no sign of Brittenum Sassy). His group is a group of four and only he and a guy named Anthony are around to audition. Sway and Elliot have retreated back tho their room to catch the free HBO. Let me ask you all something. When I drive around Central Florida and I see these little motel's with their sign outside advertising "Free HBO," is that still a selling point? It's like back in the 50's when motels used to lure weary tourists in because they had "Air Conditioning." People! Your granny gets free HBO these days! How 'bout we start advertising "Free Wi-Fi" or "In house Starbucks." Although, vibrating beds are still a big sell. The conflict with Terrell and his group is nothing we haven't seen before (think Season's 1, 2, 3, 4) but can Terrell please take the Clearasil off before they put his ugly mug in front of the camera? Good God man! You got some schmear on your cheeklet! Now go take that off before someone thinks you been dippin' into the free Dolly Madison's in the mini bar!
!
The next morning at breakfast, everyone pretends to eat fruit and air. You know, because they are on camera...and in L.A. Nick and Marcy are 2/3 of the boy/girl combo group and have decided to skip breakfast and go rehearse down the hall. Third wheel Brenna notices this and uses a little camera time to say something about how the groups are lumps of coal and if the judges know what to look for they can seek the diamond in the ruff out of the lump of coal and then she says bling bling or something. I really don't hear much of what she is saying because I think it is funny that the three cowboys are all eating breakfast at the table behind her. Ha! Ha! Cowboys eating breakfast. At a table. Together! Ha! Cowboys. Ha. sitting. ha.... forks... ha... ha. ... ha ....
!
More Choxie please!
!
The Performances
!
Paris Bennet is in the first group. We like her. She is featured as the first lead and of course just when I was getting settled in to enjoy what makes this show great, we have to break away to see more Brittenum drama. If you didn't watch the show, don't worry it was just Terrell upset because someone peed in his Cheerios. Back on stage the girls are given their critique. Simon thinks that the performance overall wasn't very strong and I would have to agree with him. Working together, at least the one person I expected to stand out and do something amazing didn't get me excited at all. But, Paris and some girl named Stephanie go on to the next round.
!
Terrell's group goes next. Hit pause if you need to go to the restroom because I assume that this is going to smack a little of disaster! First of all, Terrell is like the big bossy girl you hated at FHA camp (not. that. I went to FHA camp...). Sway, I'm not sure if you are aware, thinks he is so good that he's already got him a contract and shit and just didn't bother rehearsing. and Elliott plain ol' didn't want to deal with big bossy girl so he of course stayed in his room all night. The group performs without really missing a beat, no one sounds too terribly bad during the performance although during one shot I couldn't help being grossed out at the big wad of gum wedged in Elliot's mouth. I am not sure if the show was edited this way or it's simply the way it happened but Bitchy Brittenum decides to out everyone except for Anthony before the judges even say anything. He moans about how he and Anthony stayed up all night rehearsing. He even was in his short shirt and socks trying to round up the other two guys. Luckily Sway and Elliot performed on their own merit and make it through to the next round but sadly so is Terrell. In a completely fitting moment of what I am learning to understand as "Brittenum Bitch" (the same tin-foil-on-teeth diatribe you hear those snake charmer preachers speak on top of boxes on college campuses), Terrell tells the cameras that they all did the best they could with Anthony trying to drag them down on stage. This coming from a guy who promised Anthony just the night before that no matter how the other two do on stage, that they will be the two going on. Nice.
!
Up next is the Rat Pack comprised of Chicken Little and three other guys who I don't think I have ever seen before (but I know I have). Oh wait, one of them is the gimmicky crooner guy. Shouldn't he be put with the gimmicky cowboy act? Why is Chicken Little put in with the crooners, I like the way he sings! Most of the "crooners" come off way too campy to me but all four are put through. Thanks goodness. At least hopefully the other three will be in the room that gets the eject button.
!
Sassy Brittenum and his group sound awful but because there is more drama on the horizon we are told in a voice over by Secrets that it was a good performance so shut our complaining. On with the drama! Again in Brittenum fashion, after they have all been put through and before anyone else can speak, Derrell tells the judges "My spirit...has been broken." The audience is in awe of the poop flow coming from Sassy Brittenum. What is Hi-larious is that, thinking that his brother had been kicked off (so much for telepathy between twins), he tells the judges that he and his brother will leave the competition and go back home and record their own album. To which Simon simply waves and says good riddance. You really gotta love Simon. Of course as delicious as it is, the fun has to end. Terrell meets Derrell outside of the auditorium and explains that he was put through as so Derrell must go back in and beg to have them both put back in the competition! Seriously American Idol, haven't we had enough yet?
!
Mandisa and Brooke Barretsmith are next and they are gooood y'all. I love the Aaaaah aaaah yeah they trown in at the end of their song. Just saying. Nothing else to report.
!
Oh my...have you seen the Whopperettes commercial? I hate to say that it's genius because, you know this is just my first of one million times I will probably watch it, but finally something to get that "I'm thinking Arby's" word balloon from over my head.
!
Tyra Backstabber Schwartz is one amazingly selfishly horrid person. She leaves one group and joins another one only to be with this next group until the steps are all worked out and then leave them and then go back and beg (beg!, mind you) to rejoin the first group. Snaps! Mental damage done, the "other woman" group she cheated with before begging to come back to her "Three mouths to feed and mortgage to take care of" group, are all cut.
!
As if we are supposed to care, the Brittenum Brothers are led to the stage by Ryan Secrets to beg for their spots back on the American Idol Roster. All this begging going on around here. Speaking of begging, what does it take to get a damn refill on my sweet tea around this place? These words don't get typed on looks and personality! The Brittenum Bitches try to interject and be all bossy because I guess that's how they have gotten through life but but Simon tells them that he is "tired of their hissy attitude" (see, it's not just me) and to shut up. He and the judges will decide whether they stay or go. The other contestants are just ecstatic at the thought of nights ahead with no unsightly pimple cream encounters or surprise bitch slappings.
!
Treacherous Tyra's group is up. Interestingly, her Pocahontas hair is back in form tonight but her voice is not. Tsk tsk, all that hard work finding her niche when there wasn't really one to begin with. The judges call all three girls names except for Tyra and tell them that they have made it through. They pull a Secrets on Tyra by calling her name last and then telling her she made it through as well.
!
The girl/boy group make it on stage next. Their voices really do not go well together. Brenna, who didn't practice with them, stinks up the stage. Here too Marcy decides to let the judges know that there were clashes in personality and rehearsal ethics to which Brenna jumps in with "It's not American Idol with an "S" or a "Z," its American IDOL." No, no honey, it's Skinny Tiedol! They all make it through. The boy most of all because he has suffered.
!
I guess because maybe like me, the Producers have heard it from everyone a bajillion times over that little Garet coming to American Idol is like something from Brokeback Mountain (although I think the "self discovery" analogy is reaaaally being stretched here), the self-fulfilling prophecy of this getting parodied waits no more. Witness the Brokenote Mountain clip montage. Ain't no better parody than the obvious one. Which all leads me to think that tonight is adios to little Garet Dickens.
!
The Ass Brothers are back. The judges have obviously consulted with Simon Fuller on the milking potential of having the Brittenum drama survive for yet another episode. They invite them both to stay. The crowd is underwhelmed. Again, the beauty of pre-recorded episodes like this is having the calming satisfaction that one, if not both of the brothers are cooling it in the pokey right about now as this airs only (hopefully) making themselves feel like even bigger asses for not being able to tap dance out of their most recent hurdle. Not heard about this yet? Heck, even Mtv Asia is reporting it!
!
Yeeeee Haaaaaw! The cowboys take the stage. Garet is cute and all but well, he's only got the cute thing going for him. The song probably wasn't the best choice but the dudes had well over a day to work on this and all three of them forgot lyrics. Sadly but with dignity, all three fellas are told that they are going home. The post-performance interviews are where the money is at. There is soooo much cowboy love going on. Seriously, has Brokeback Mountain just turned the world up on its backside and slathered it with butter? Wha? I was thinking there for a moment that the tall cowboy guy was about to tell Garet that "he can't quit him." What say that Garet may be a little "changed" after this whole L.A. experience? Also, I've never hugged a cowboy before but shouldn't you take the hat off first? From what I saw tonight, it looked painful.
!
So apparently that was the last performance for the groups tonight. All of this Brittenum drama has pushed Patrick Hall and Taylor Hick's performance out of the schedule. And what about rocker Chris Daughtry or "Ace" for that matter?
!
The next day (are you kidding me?! there is only 5 minutes left in the show!) the remaining contestants are given a list of 95 songs to choose from. They will sing one of these songs a cappella with no back up. Skeery!
!
In a seizure-inducing montage, the judges decide who stays and who goes inside a locked down theater. Mind you "locked down" here is a sign that is taped to the door that says "do not enter."
!!
Remember how all this works? There are four rooms. Two of these rooms will be cut and two will be told that they are going on. Room number 1 is a room full of people I have never seen before. Soooooo, yeah they are cut. Oh wait! Pocahontas hair is in there! See 'ya Tyra, you back stabbing group adulteress, you!
!
Room number 2 has one Brooke Barrettsmith and Patrick Hall and Sway and Chris Daughtry in it. So I am pretty sure that Room number 2 is staying. They all cheer but my boy Patrick is calm, cool, grateful and collected. There is a quick shot of someone that has dirty elbows . ewwww.
!
Room number 3. Has Paris Bennett and Taylor Hicks and Kellie Pickler in it. Damn! It also has one of the Brittenum's (can't tell if it's Bitchy or Nelly). They are through. Still don't know which drama queen we are stuck with. You know what is also weird? The girl that tried to go up the escalator the wrong way back in the city auditions is here too! Hmm!
!
So there is one room left, Room number 4, so at least we know that one of the Brittenum's is out right here. But wait! Chicken Little and Ace-of-face are in here too! DAMN DAMN DAMN! This is really unusual, three rooms are kept and ony one room is cut. This leaves us with a total of 45 which is really confusing because I believe that Secrets told us that it would be 44 moving on from here. It doesn't really matter I guess because tomorrow night we will have our Top 24 and...........
!
Next time: Hollywood Part III - The Final Battle: Brittenum Brothers, Sudden Death