Lord my load is heavy. Starting out tonight I am not given much to work with, the studio is for the most part empty which leaves me the arduous task of trying to find someone other than Ryan Secrets to make fun of. Oh! Wait a second! Of the six seats available for the audience, Ace's brother manages to score one but is relegated to the second row. Tsk, I guess we know who the Chad Lowe is in that relationship. Ryan signals a grim overtone to the show that will depart four truly deserving wannabe's by wearing all black. Even his black is wearing black. I think his entire motive for dying his hair dark has lead up to this moment. Hardly, it's only the Top 12 people!!! Things surely get more exciting than this! Who amongst us here doesn't think that they could possibly trim a little more fat away from the core talent that will be left after tonight. If anything (and I know that this is true in my household), tonight is a joyous occasion!
To get things started off right, Bo Bice, in scary flesh-colored pants, has taken time out of his busy schedule of playing sold out Cracker Barrel shows just to be here. I really hope that the kids will be able to put on their game face while watching this because it's the kind of performance where you need your hands. Either over your ears or your eyes depending on where the pain is. I'm sure that everyone is able to get away with it too except for that Will Makar who couldn't read a Dick and Jane storybook without making his "O" face. If there are indeed Bo fans out there (and I am talking "after Idol" not "during Idol"), please tell me if this is what I can expect if I find a Bo Bice CD at the Goodwill. After his performance, it is hard to see Bo's reaction to the crowd's "applause sign" response because his hair is matted all over his face. And this is after only one song! I bet if you get up close at one of his concerts, it's just like being at Gallagher! Bo explains the dangers of being on American Idol and the effect it has afterwards in that so many people came to his town he had to move away. It wasn't hard though once he got the sewer line disconnected and the bricks moved from in front of the wheels. Piece of cake!
Oh my God. Are the Brittenum Brothers in the audience? It's hard to tell because I just caught a small glimpse of them but it's either them or the Insane Clown Posse, hard to tell. If it is, someone call the cops!
Okay, I'm tired so let's get down to bidness. Like normal, the girl with the least number of votes will be called first. Ryan goes one by one and surprisingly Melissa is not out. Not that I don't like her but I just figured that of all the performances to stick out as having bad press, it would be hers. Ayla Brown is passed over safely, also interesting because I did not like her last night. Ayla is the kind of name you could play the "Name Game" with you know? Ayla Ayla Bo Bayla, banana Fanna Fo Fayla....Next we come to Kinnik Sky and before much else is said, Ryan tells her she is going home, but not before telling her it is all because she doesn't grasp what it is to dress Country Western. Just kidding. Ryan didn't really say that but it is true, she just doesn't get it. Well, if American Idol is anything, it is a crash course of positive self proclamation. It's sad but, um...I don't know, sad listening each week to contestants forced to say something nice about themselves when they can't hear it from anyone else. I hope there is a support group when you get kicked off. This is truly a special moment and calls for Ryan to actually give physical contact to Kinnik. Kinnik is also a name (and a palindrome!) that begs for the Name Game to be played....
It's the guy's turn and Ryan tells us that there is a very tense feeling in the studio tonight. Ooooh, thanks Ryan. It's almost like being there! I often wonder if someone cutting the cheese right before the commercial break is over would help alleviate that tension. Here we go with the roll call. I am nervous as to what direction they will go on the couch as they haven't zig zagged yet and so far Gedeon and Bucky are safe and we are heading right for Elliott...noooo! So, Ace is still wearing the beanie. This is officially calls for a "What's up!" into this topic. I mean, don't throw this little tidbit of information at us to make yourself appear more intriguing and not follow through. I wonder just what has happened to Ace's hair underneath there? Is it shaved and he now has to wear one of those novelty beanies with the hair glued just at the bottom to give the appearance of hair? Is it just greasy and unwashed? Gasp....does he have barrettes in his hair? The first guy to go tonight is Will Makar who oddly does not make a face. Can this kid do anything that doesn't remind me of Peter Brady? He even has on his Hawaiian shirt like when the Brady's went to Hawaii. It is nice to hear Simon say nice things to Will.
Ryan segues into the commercial by pointing over at 12 stools and tells us that when they come back they will be filling "these seats with..." and I almost think "poop?" because the chairs look like chrome toilet seats. But they are stools not chairs which makes it even more odd.
When we come back the girls are ready for round 2 of eliminations. In this instance, everyone that is called gets to move on to the Top 12 and the person not called or essentially called last is out. Paris Bennett is dressed like someone's ragged out punk Cabbage Patch doll. She make the first chair. Ryan can hardly hold his excitement of being able to tell Kellie Pickler that she is moving to the next round by mimicking a southern accent (I guess because he is jealous that it is so cute on her). Ryan's southern accent however proves not so much country bumpkin but country chorus boy. Mandisa is channeling Freddy Krueger tonight in her Missy Elliott hat. Melissa and Ayla Bo Bayla are the two left without a seat. When the axe falls, Melissa is spared and it is Ayla who goes home, which by the way doesn't sit too well with her. Ryan is insane and makes the comparison of their similar journeys by saying that Ayla had her basketball scholarship and Melissa took her flight from Tampa to Denver. At first it comes off that Ayla is a sore loser, like poor little rich girl has never not gotten what she wanted. But after remembering how she worked hard to get here on her own merit and had to learn how to put on makeup for the first time and everything, I feel sad for her. Then, talk about tense moments, they make her sing. I seriously have to turn the channel it is so unbearable.
Okay, the guys final round. Taylor Hicks is the first one to get a toilet seat for the guys. Secrets is so giddy that it is the guys turn, he literally spanks Taylor across the stage like a little horsey. Drink! Drink! Drink! Then, amazingly, America voted and Ace is declared the person with the second lowest number of votes! Just kidding....Sigh...
Amazingly (in a good way), Chicken Little is safe and he smartly runs across the stage the complete opposite side of Ryan kind of like the way you used to run across the shower after P.E. as not to get towel whipped by the upper-classmen. What! Finally my fears are confirmed, it is the Brittenum Brother's sitting out in the audience. I have so many questions, why? how? who? Is there no justice? Why has no one killed one of them in jail? Why is Patrick Hall still missing from this show and why are two talentless hacks getting more airtime than him even after he is kicked off! Do we really need to have this closure? They are both dressed in some ridiculous get-up of white Krump suits. Ryan asks if they came from Mars because of their suits. I think he was making fun of them but the real answer is Prison, Ryan!...PRISON!!! Finally it is revealed that Gedeon is out. Which is fine by me. I mean, it was either him or Bucky, I'm good either way. When Ryan asks if he is surprised by the decision he says "By the blood of Jesus, I am saved." Okay. I am not sure that Gedeon was the worst vocalist on the show but I do know he certainly wasn't the best and I am sorry but I just couldn't get past his waxy exterior when you just know that somewhere underneath it was nothing but circuit boards and jazz hands!
In closing, here is a special goodbye message from Gedeon McNuggets:
Hello. Everyone. Thank you. For being with me. On my journey to American Idol. From the beginning. In my humble beginnings in Memphis. To my rousing audition in Chicago. The windy city. How sweet. It is. Do not worry. Everyone. I will prevail. Soon. I will release many many. Many. Albums or possibly. Books on tape.
As a wise man once said. Do not go see. Son of the Mask.
Thank you. [grins]