American Idol 3/8/06 - Boys Night (The Final Round)
Sizzler Edition! !
What stanks up in here!? Do you smell that? It's kind of like a cross between Menthols and andouille sausage! It smells like...another sizzlin' round of Idol performances from the boys! Ryan Secrets looks amazingly well put together in that funeral director kind of way. I'm dealing with it except for his strange fish scale tie and, what is the deal with the tie studs lately? Just as it was last night, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Each of the boys harbor a nasty secret that the Producers think will benefit our lives by knowing. Get your pencils and paper ready, there will be a Tiger Beat quiz at the end I'm sure.
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So as Ryan puts it, what's Gedeon McKinney been hiding? Indeed. I am not sure that Gedeon even knows for sure. As he talks you can almost see the rusty wheels of his mind grind and compress whatever originality would have been present to describe what wonderful paintings he creates. It is so sad. Almost like some street urchin who would knock on your door trying to scam you out of money under the guise of selling crack brittle or something. "Hello. My name is Gedeon. I made this painting. Of the world. It's a record. See how the record moves. As it moves, so does the world turn." PAINFUL! Where Gedeon lacks in basic public speaking skills, he more than makes up for it in shirt choices. Just look at that hot pink shirt! If this wasn't the digital age, my TV wouldn't have been able to decipher just what color to make it. Remember Gedeon's trouble during the Hollywood trials remembering the words? Theeeey're Heeeere! Either that or he is really trying to bring an urban touch to the song by intentionally leaving out plurals and pronouns from "When A Man Loves A Woman." Or maybe it really is "When A Man Love A Woman." I dunno. I think that Gedeon takes to the song pretty well and even wins me over a little from the rough video bio. It is almost like he is a different person on stage than when you catch him in casual conversation. Still, I am not sure that he is the best vocalist in the group. The attempt to deep throat the microphone at the end there, I could have done without. Randy thinks he is an old soul and digs the painting thing. Paula has some sort of giant obtuse carnation growing out of her bosom. I think she wants people to notice it. Simon calls him a "funny thing" and then tells him that his performance is a bit Cabaret. Oh come on Simon! Most of the contestants throw their head back and try to shove the mic down their throat, it doesn't necessarily make it cabaret! When Ryan asks him why he picked that song, he tells him because of all of the women he has loved in his life. Oh now I've heard everything! But seriously, Are you one of them? Do you need help? If so, call 1-800-Robot-Love.
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Ryan does a cup test as he passes all of the lined up contestants in the Coke Room (if you don't know what a cup test is, I apologize). Of course, when he gets to Chris he man-handles him incessantly, even poking him in the pectorals. You know what time it is, Skinny Tiedol readers! Drink up!
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Chris Daughtry's dirty little secret that he doesn't want you to know is that he his loving life away from his wife and kids. No wait, that isn't it...Oh yeah, he looks the way he does now because he was going bald prematurely and just decided to shave his head. No explanation on the MC Escher-elaborate facial hair however. For Chris's song "Broken" he gets a really cool disco ball in the background which just keeps spinning and spinning and spinning. I must be in a daze from the disco ball because I am usually really wowed by Chris but tonight I just couldn't get into the song. Maybe it's because I didn't know the song but I think it might be because it felt like it never got up off the ground like last week. Randy can't get beyond being a producer and really doesn't have anything to say either way. Paula says something nice like usual because she is on a bin loop but I don't remember what she said because I was fascinated how her eyes keep darting downward toward his, I guess, wallet chain. Simon thought the song was #1, boring and #2, was too "self-indulgent." Translation: #1, Boring. #2, however much you are picking songs that fit your style, they are also unknown and somewhat out of the common grasp of the majority fan base...stop picking music from the early '00's and no one even knows who Seether is! At the post interview with Secrets, Chris gives him a hug which renders him all giddy.
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George Bush doesn't care about scrawny, white chicken boys! Chicken Little reveals to us that he is a hard core Kanye mutha-effin' West fan, pass it on! Couldn't you tell?! I love Chicken Little but once I heard the song choice, "Vincent (Starry Starry Night)," I immediately imagined the words "wrong song choice" were going to be attached to his critique at the end. It just seemed like you would have expected him to pick a more uplifting song to sing to get everyone moving. Like, what is the point during this part of the competition to show your range when the name of the game is to just survive until you get to the Top 12! If the last few weeks showed us anything, it is that you do better when you have a more up-tempo song sprinkled with a few glory notes if you're not out of them. Even more disturbing is that the song is about suicide! Oh well, a fitting title to his swan song. No pun intended. Oh, wait...did you get the pun? You know, he is Chicken Little...a bird...swan? Coming off the song Chicken Little throws up a gang sign at Randy. There is just something about C.L. throwing up gang signs, it cracks me up. Randy loves C.L. because he is gangsta. Paula wants him for her doll collection. She'll plant him in her fabric chest flower garden back home. Simon comes in like Gargamel in Smurf Village by saying that he didn't like it and says it sounded juvenile to which C.L. quips "I'm 16 years old!" Secrets then says he had a dream about Simon last night. I will not finish that conversation as not to bail Ryan out here. I'll just leave it up to everyone's imagination.
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Bucky "Grits Boone's Farm Cheese Doodles" Nascar-Covington scares the SHIT out of me with the announcement that there are two of him out there! God was angry one day and blessed the Nascar-Covington's with identical twins named (are you ready) Bucky and Rocky.
Even more frightening is the photo proof that both of them have High School diplomas! You should have seen the spit take that I did when all this went down. Okay, I know that you all are going to boo me when I say this, but hear me out. I kind of hope Booger makes it to the Top 12 because I am magna-curious about the makeover that the Top 12 get once they make it to the final round. This boy is in dire need of someone with a pair of scissors to get ahold of him and I'm sure there is some stylist out there praying they get the shortest straw. As far as the song "Wave on Wave" goes, he sounds really good...for a country artist. I guess I shouldn't be such a music snob but this guy is great if you want a C&W artist for the second year in a row. Do you want your American Idol to sound like that? Strike that. Do you want your American Idol to look like this? Because aside from your God given right to never ever purchase the winning contestants album (5 years clean and sober for me!), you will not be able to escape his image, it's everywhere you turn! Put that in your Fry Daddy and smoke it! Randy doesn't think it is a good song choice for his voice but is proud that he just comes out and does his thing. Thank you for that Randy. Paula is sad every time she sees a #3 on the back of someone's car. She wants to ask Bucky about it but restrains herself. Simon thinks that you could hear that type of performance in any ol' bar. Well....yeah Simon, that's kind of Bucky's goal here. Suddenly and without warning, like a redneck Mogwai, Bucky duplicates. We have both Nascar-Covington's on stage making an un-appetizing Bucky, Ryan and Rocky sandwich. I'll pass.
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Will Makar is learning Japanese. As he puts it, "世界の11 人年の古い女の子は結合する!" This reminds me of exactly of something that Peter Brady would do to impress the girl sitting next to him in Geography class. How sweet that is. Hey! That is exactly (almost) the title of the song that he will be singing for us. "How Sweet It Is" by James Taylor, and since we are sharing secrets (note: not "Secrets"), J.T. was the first concert I ever went to. I am already grooving to the awesome performance! Actually, I would be out of character if I said that I thoroughly enjoyed it. After all, it was Peter Brady singing a James Taylor song. The only real way to punch it up would be to have it sung in Japanese! But I'm telling you, this is going to be a guy's competition this year because even though this pretty much left a lot to be desired, it was much more fun and memorable than the show last night. Okay, over at the judges table....It was like a jalepeno smoothie for Randy, it was not good for him. Will's mom is shown making a hiss face. Paula thinks that he raised his game. Mom looks much better. Simon thought it was average. Ooooh! Please show mom again!! Please! Aaaagh! Denied!
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What is up with the commercials? Is American Idol's target audience really into Campbell Select Golden Butternut Squash soup?
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Good grief! Just what children at a shopping mall need, a seizure-prone bunny rabbit. Taylor Hicks used to help advertise Louis Vuitton...I don't know!!! I'm sure he did a very find job
bumping into things and what-not. What is up with the sound during Taylor's performance? It went all tin can for me. If you are impressed with elevator music, Taylor revealed to us earlier that he once met Christopher Cross and now he is channeling Michael McDonald with "Taking it to the Streets" but the video screen belies taking it to a very busy expressway. This reminds me of a very funny video I once saw. Taylor gets so crazy on the Doobie Brothers that he completely beats himself into submission with the mic. The crowd goes wild for this type of violence. Randy thinks it is the perfect song choice. That is an understatement Randy, all that is left for the boy to sing within this genre is some Randy Newman. Paula says she is going to take those dance steps and incorporate them into her next job. Next "job?" Secondly, is she serious? Simon loved the song and thought it stood out, the best performance thus far. I think he actually said "so far" but to me, I imagine him saying "thus far." Don't you?
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Elliott Yamin shares with us that he has 90% hearing loss in his right ear. I said, Elliott Yamin shares with us that he has 90% hearing loss in his right ear. He had a lot of infections as a child. Ewww. My 90% selective hearing is about to kick in once I hear that he will be singing a Bryan Adams song tonight. He sings "Heaven." Why Elliott why!!! It is just so...I don't know, it makes my dinner talk back to me. Hmmm, his bangs are still very uneven and the facial hair is gone. Or more gone than last week. Is "goner" a word? I really love every time Elliott has performed, he is kind of the dark horse this year I think but this one just really didn't catch my attention. Well, I kind of miss it because all I could do is stare at his mouth, it's like a labyrinth. I keep looking for David Bowie to pop out of there. Randy looks forward to hearing him sing each week but kind of whisks over the bad parts. Paula is high on sausage fumes and knocks over her glass of Coke (Vicodin milkshake). Simon thought that the song was a cop-out. Not sure why other than the choosing Bryan Adams thing.
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Ace's taboggin choice tonight is diarrhea colored. His big secret is out! Don't ask, don't tell but when he moved out to L.A., he learned a lot of rough trades to make money and is now something of a wood worker, buffing banisters and fixing roofs, nailing things... how to rake leaves, etc.... I notice that Ace Bandage also lied to us. He told us previously that his M.O. was to take the taboggin off when he performs and stick it in his back right right pocket like a hankey. Not sure what is going on there tonight. I know that it couldn't be that he is having a bad hair day because, well...we've already seen that. So there's no need to cover up. He is singing Michael Jackson's "Butterflies" and I can tell that the teeny boppers are just going to eat this up but to me he looks and sounds like a member of O-Town or something. The performance is odd, like, very high pitched. Why does he keep thinking that this is his range? That one note last week sent cats running up the tree next to my building. Randy compliments him on his falsetto...how embarrassing. I think I have 90% hearing loss in my right ear too because I heard Paula say that she thought it was better than the original artist. Ummm, that would be Michael Jackson, Paula. The camera pans out to his brother who is certainly milking the free visits to the show but at least he is getting some much needed experience in being an "extra." His brother doesn't realize at first that the camera is on him but once he does, he spares no time in mugging for it. You are such a celebrity!! Simon thought that however odd the song choice, he made it work. Way to go Ace, stay in there another week or so why dontcha!
What stanks up in here!? Do you smell that? It's kind of like a cross between Menthols and andouille sausage! It smells like...another sizzlin' round of Idol performances from the boys! Ryan Secrets looks amazingly well put together in that funeral director kind of way. I'm dealing with it except for his strange fish scale tie and, what is the deal with the tie studs lately? Just as it was last night, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Each of the boys harbor a nasty secret that the Producers think will benefit our lives by knowing. Get your pencils and paper ready, there will be a Tiger Beat quiz at the end I'm sure.
!
So as Ryan puts it, what's Gedeon McKinney been hiding? Indeed. I am not sure that Gedeon even knows for sure. As he talks you can almost see the rusty wheels of his mind grind and compress whatever originality would have been present to describe what wonderful paintings he creates. It is so sad. Almost like some street urchin who would knock on your door trying to scam you out of money under the guise of selling crack brittle or something. "Hello. My name is Gedeon. I made this painting. Of the world. It's a record. See how the record moves. As it moves, so does the world turn." PAINFUL! Where Gedeon lacks in basic public speaking skills, he more than makes up for it in shirt choices. Just look at that hot pink shirt! If this wasn't the digital age, my TV wouldn't have been able to decipher just what color to make it. Remember Gedeon's trouble during the Hollywood trials remembering the words? Theeeey're Heeeere! Either that or he is really trying to bring an urban touch to the song by intentionally leaving out plurals and pronouns from "When A Man Loves A Woman." Or maybe it really is "When A Man Love A Woman." I dunno. I think that Gedeon takes to the song pretty well and even wins me over a little from the rough video bio. It is almost like he is a different person on stage than when you catch him in casual conversation. Still, I am not sure that he is the best vocalist in the group. The attempt to deep throat the microphone at the end there, I could have done without. Randy thinks he is an old soul and digs the painting thing. Paula has some sort of giant obtuse carnation growing out of her bosom. I think she wants people to notice it. Simon calls him a "funny thing" and then tells him that his performance is a bit Cabaret. Oh come on Simon! Most of the contestants throw their head back and try to shove the mic down their throat, it doesn't necessarily make it cabaret! When Ryan asks him why he picked that song, he tells him because of all of the women he has loved in his life. Oh now I've heard everything! But seriously, Are you one of them? Do you need help? If so, call 1-800-Robot-Love.
!
Ryan does a cup test as he passes all of the lined up contestants in the Coke Room (if you don't know what a cup test is, I apologize). Of course, when he gets to Chris he man-handles him incessantly, even poking him in the pectorals. You know what time it is, Skinny Tiedol readers! Drink up!
!
Chris Daughtry's dirty little secret that he doesn't want you to know is that he his loving life away from his wife and kids. No wait, that isn't it...Oh yeah, he looks the way he does now because he was going bald prematurely and just decided to shave his head. No explanation on the MC Escher-elaborate facial hair however. For Chris's song "Broken" he gets a really cool disco ball in the background which just keeps spinning and spinning and spinning. I must be in a daze from the disco ball because I am usually really wowed by Chris but tonight I just couldn't get into the song. Maybe it's because I didn't know the song but I think it might be because it felt like it never got up off the ground like last week. Randy can't get beyond being a producer and really doesn't have anything to say either way. Paula says something nice like usual because she is on a bin loop but I don't remember what she said because I was fascinated how her eyes keep darting downward toward his, I guess, wallet chain. Simon thought the song was #1, boring and #2, was too "self-indulgent." Translation: #1, Boring. #2, however much you are picking songs that fit your style, they are also unknown and somewhat out of the common grasp of the majority fan base...stop picking music from the early '00's and no one even knows who Seether is! At the post interview with Secrets, Chris gives him a hug which renders him all giddy.
!
George Bush doesn't care about scrawny, white chicken boys! Chicken Little reveals to us that he is a hard core Kanye mutha-effin' West fan, pass it on! Couldn't you tell?! I love Chicken Little but once I heard the song choice, "Vincent (Starry Starry Night)," I immediately imagined the words "wrong song choice" were going to be attached to his critique at the end. It just seemed like you would have expected him to pick a more uplifting song to sing to get everyone moving. Like, what is the point during this part of the competition to show your range when the name of the game is to just survive until you get to the Top 12! If the last few weeks showed us anything, it is that you do better when you have a more up-tempo song sprinkled with a few glory notes if you're not out of them. Even more disturbing is that the song is about suicide! Oh well, a fitting title to his swan song. No pun intended. Oh, wait...did you get the pun? You know, he is Chicken Little...a bird...swan? Coming off the song Chicken Little throws up a gang sign at Randy. There is just something about C.L. throwing up gang signs, it cracks me up. Randy loves C.L. because he is gangsta. Paula wants him for her doll collection. She'll plant him in her fabric chest flower garden back home. Simon comes in like Gargamel in Smurf Village by saying that he didn't like it and says it sounded juvenile to which C.L. quips "I'm 16 years old!" Secrets then says he had a dream about Simon last night. I will not finish that conversation as not to bail Ryan out here. I'll just leave it up to everyone's imagination.
!
Bucky "Grits Boone's Farm Cheese Doodles" Nascar-Covington scares the SHIT out of me with the announcement that there are two of him out there! God was angry one day and blessed the Nascar-Covington's with identical twins named (are you ready) Bucky and Rocky.
Even more frightening is the photo proof that both of them have High School diplomas! You should have seen the spit take that I did when all this went down. Okay, I know that you all are going to boo me when I say this, but hear me out. I kind of hope Booger makes it to the Top 12 because I am magna-curious about the makeover that the Top 12 get once they make it to the final round. This boy is in dire need of someone with a pair of scissors to get ahold of him and I'm sure there is some stylist out there praying they get the shortest straw. As far as the song "Wave on Wave" goes, he sounds really good...for a country artist. I guess I shouldn't be such a music snob but this guy is great if you want a C&W artist for the second year in a row. Do you want your American Idol to sound like that? Strike that. Do you want your American Idol to look like this? Because aside from your God given right to never ever purchase the winning contestants album (5 years clean and sober for me!), you will not be able to escape his image, it's everywhere you turn! Put that in your Fry Daddy and smoke it! Randy doesn't think it is a good song choice for his voice but is proud that he just comes out and does his thing. Thank you for that Randy. Paula is sad every time she sees a #3 on the back of someone's car. She wants to ask Bucky about it but restrains herself. Simon thinks that you could hear that type of performance in any ol' bar. Well....yeah Simon, that's kind of Bucky's goal here. Suddenly and without warning, like a redneck Mogwai, Bucky duplicates. We have both Nascar-Covington's on stage making an un-appetizing Bucky, Ryan and Rocky sandwich. I'll pass.!
Will Makar is learning Japanese. As he puts it, "世界の11 人年の古い女の子は結合する!" This reminds me of exactly of something that Peter Brady would do to impress the girl sitting next to him in Geography class. How sweet that is. Hey! That is exactly (almost) the title of the song that he will be singing for us. "How Sweet It Is" by James Taylor, and since we are sharing secrets (note: not "Secrets"), J.T. was the first concert I ever went to. I am already grooving to the awesome performance! Actually, I would be out of character if I said that I thoroughly enjoyed it. After all, it was Peter Brady singing a James Taylor song. The only real way to punch it up would be to have it sung in Japanese! But I'm telling you, this is going to be a guy's competition this year because even though this pretty much left a lot to be desired, it was much more fun and memorable than the show last night. Okay, over at the judges table....It was like a jalepeno smoothie for Randy, it was not good for him. Will's mom is shown making a hiss face. Paula thinks that he raised his game. Mom looks much better. Simon thought it was average. Ooooh! Please show mom again!! Please! Aaaagh! Denied!
!
What is up with the commercials? Is American Idol's target audience really into Campbell Select Golden Butternut Squash soup?
!
Good grief! Just what children at a shopping mall need, a seizure-prone bunny rabbit. Taylor Hicks used to help advertise Louis Vuitton...I don't know!!! I'm sure he did a very find job
bumping into things and what-not. What is up with the sound during Taylor's performance? It went all tin can for me. If you are impressed with elevator music, Taylor revealed to us earlier that he once met Christopher Cross and now he is channeling Michael McDonald with "Taking it to the Streets" but the video screen belies taking it to a very busy expressway. This reminds me of a very funny video I once saw. Taylor gets so crazy on the Doobie Brothers that he completely beats himself into submission with the mic. The crowd goes wild for this type of violence. Randy thinks it is the perfect song choice. That is an understatement Randy, all that is left for the boy to sing within this genre is some Randy Newman. Paula says she is going to take those dance steps and incorporate them into her next job. Next "job?" Secondly, is she serious? Simon loved the song and thought it stood out, the best performance thus far. I think he actually said "so far" but to me, I imagine him saying "thus far." Don't you?!
Elliott Yamin shares with us that he has 90% hearing loss in his right ear. I said, Elliott Yamin shares with us that he has 90% hearing loss in his right ear. He had a lot of infections as a child. Ewww. My 90% selective hearing is about to kick in once I hear that he will be singing a Bryan Adams song tonight. He sings "Heaven." Why Elliott why!!! It is just so...I don't know, it makes my dinner talk back to me. Hmmm, his bangs are still very uneven and the facial hair is gone. Or more gone than last week. Is "goner" a word? I really love every time Elliott has performed, he is kind of the dark horse this year I think but this one just really didn't catch my attention. Well, I kind of miss it because all I could do is stare at his mouth, it's like a labyrinth. I keep looking for David Bowie to pop out of there. Randy looks forward to hearing him sing each week but kind of whisks over the bad parts. Paula is high on sausage fumes and knocks over her glass of Coke (Vicodin milkshake). Simon thought that the song was a cop-out. Not sure why other than the choosing Bryan Adams thing.
!
Ace's taboggin choice tonight is diarrhea colored. His big secret is out! Don't ask, don't tell but when he moved out to L.A., he learned a lot of rough trades to make money and is now something of a wood worker, buffing banisters and fixing roofs, nailing things... how to rake leaves, etc.... I notice that Ace Bandage also lied to us. He told us previously that his M.O. was to take the taboggin off when he performs and stick it in his back right right pocket like a hankey. Not sure what is going on there tonight. I know that it couldn't be that he is having a bad hair day because, well...we've already seen that. So there's no need to cover up. He is singing Michael Jackson's "Butterflies" and I can tell that the teeny boppers are just going to eat this up but to me he looks and sounds like a member of O-Town or something. The performance is odd, like, very high pitched. Why does he keep thinking that this is his range? That one note last week sent cats running up the tree next to my building. Randy compliments him on his falsetto...how embarrassing. I think I have 90% hearing loss in my right ear too because I heard Paula say that she thought it was better than the original artist. Ummm, that would be Michael Jackson, Paula. The camera pans out to his brother who is certainly milking the free visits to the show but at least he is getting some much needed experience in being an "extra." His brother doesn't realize at first that the camera is on him but once he does, he spares no time in mugging for it. You are such a celebrity!! Simon thought that however odd the song choice, he made it work. Way to go Ace, stay in there another week or so why dontcha!
2 comments:
I have to say that I too am looking forward to a Bucky make over but do you think that the producers could splurge a little to make sure and get Rocky a make over too. I mean to save us all from being reminded of the way they look now. I still can't believe he is still there on that stage and Patrick was sent home!!! Still Bitter!!!
The guys last night were so much better than the girls...this is the guys year.
-K
The show needs to being back Brian Dunkel-whatever just so that the ladies have someone touching them during their show. I mean, Ryan just gets through the ladies night with the goal in mind that he'll be touching the boys the next. I love me some Ryan Secrets.
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