Tuesday, March 07, 2006

American Idol 3/7/06 - Girls Night (The Final Round)

Welcome! Welcome to Idol-Mart. Hey! We put the "pp" in shopping. Please try on one of our fringe covered tops or could I possibly interest you in this red afghan the size of a Toyota Scion? Whatever you're into, I'm sure we have it...somewheres. Enter now the vacuous halls of this Idol emporium; as well manicured and glossy as the others but with just a splash of estrogen and Aussie mousse!
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Your super greeter tonight is Ryan Secrets pretending he is something out of a bad 50's revival from Branson in which he is playing Teen Dance Party host "Kooky" Corny Cornwall in his slim fit shiny jacket and loosely tied tie. I want to say he looks cool but I bite my collagen-inflated tongue and keep the comment to myself. It shows however that he has still not recovered fully from his Oscar duties on the red carpet. If no one saw his wretched performance I'll save you the details, just rent any of the Ernest films. We introduce the girls (gosh it is weird to see only eight of them now...only 1 hour tonight! whoooo!!) and then the judges. Randy's watch gets more atrocious every time I see it. Tonight it reminds me of a hideous Faberge egg.
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In the bargain bin tonight is a plethora of fun facts about each of the chicklets. Here's a delightful one about Paris "Tootie" Bennett- she's really a tomboy. Shhhhhhhh! That's a secret that only Secrets could share with us. For our Muzak enjoyment, Paris gives us her rendition of "Conga" which always gives me the giggles when they get to that Comeonshakeyourbodybabydotheconga part. But luckily we are spared the freeform Cuban rhythmic scat that was sure to ensue. Paris is doing the hot Idol fashion trend of wearing jeans under her dress. Yep, second time this season. No excuse people...no excuse. If Katherine McPhee told you to wear your hair in a scrunchie would you do it?! The song kind of bores me. I am waiting for Paris to do something really interesting with it but the minutes slowly pass by and nothing happens. I am very surprised in Paris tonight, it seems that she was more interested in doing the chicken dance dancing than in singing. I just get this vibe that she has this potential to really turn it on but my A.D.D. is kicking in and I am losing steam with her. Not with her cuteness however, those cute little dimples seem like they are attached to invisible strings pulled up by some hefty stage hand up in the rafters. Randy does everything he can to help her (like suggesting song choices for next week) even though he is not supposed to, it is a poor job of reading between the lines. Paula is goofing on the Idol-Mart brand of lip gloss, she is so smiley and fresh. She just loves Paris so all is well. Paula is also wearing a necklace with some sort of Star Trek insignia on it. Can someone please identify? Simon is phoning it in tonight by being ultra nice tonight, letting us know that we will see her in the next round.
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Buy one Lisa Tucker, get one free! We discover that Lisa also knows how to rock an axe! She plays a few bars for us which painfully reminded me of when I learned how to play "Hail to the Chief" on the accordion (there's a freebie for you). She is singing Tiffany Taylor's "Here's Where I Stand" which will make no sense to you unless you have seen the tween docu-drama Camp. A fitting song for someone who would have fit into that film easily performing songs that you could only imagine being sung by precocious children in a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Lisa looks a lot older tonight with her hair straightened out and down, but better. I almost feel moved by her performance, the way she looks at the camera, goes into her soul moment, etc....until I realize that she has already built a career around show-stopping moments on and off Broadway, although I do think that she has a better performance than Paris. I am not sure why Randy is harder on her than Paris, she had a much better vocal performance. Paula didn't get into the song but then again, Paula thinks she is at The Shaggy Dog premiere anyway. Simon also isn't watching from my house where everything sounded fine. But regardless of his dislike of this particular performance, he phones in the nice comment again and says that we'll see her in the next round. The next round by the way, for those keeping track at home, is the much sought after Top 12. And we have several of these Top 12 in stock! Some of them in Hot Pink!!!!
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Tomboy special going on now in Jr. Miss! Melissa McGhee also chooses to tell us that she loved doing guy things growing up. She grew up in Florida so of course she did! She sings Heart's "What About Love." Oh, if you have never watched Idol before, here's a fact for 'ya: Heart = $$. Melissa is so hard to look at in my opinion with that Nicolas Cage face she makes and all but she rocks the song and squeezes the crowd response dollahs out of it. I see that McGimmeabreak is channeling Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Madonna and Lita Ford quite respectively with her ensemble tonight. She has a vest made out of what must be left over from the small cow they kill when they make veal as it is so small and has buttons on the shoulder that are purely form-over-function. The shoulder-length earrings and assortment of other dangling safety hazards give her that sophisticated trash look. Hey! This is sort of a short version of the song so you feel you really got the Idol-Mart generic censored version of it or something. Randy and Paula like it a lot as they suck on their foam flavored slurpee from the Idol-Mart snack stand. Simon disagrees and thinks that she has just won herself a first class ticket home on Southwest with a layover in that nasty Hartsfield airport in Memphis.
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After the break, Ryan Secrets tries to squash rumors that Katherine McFee is pregnant and somehow eludes to the fact that Chicken Little is glad to hear that she's not. Wha?! So in squashing one rumor, he accidentally fuels another one. This whole pregnancy rumor, you know where you heard it first so I must ask please people, stop leaking the Skinny Tiedol out to Reuters.
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Attention shoppers! We're rolling back secrets! Kinnik Sky's secret is that she loves Chitlins.

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Chitlins!!!!
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Poor Kinnik Sky. The country thing is on the ridiculous end this week. She has a western plaid shirt worn in a way that I think only Pamela Anderson could get away with without a snicker and this unfortunate Buffalo Bill meets Pocahontas...oh God, I don't know....skirt? She sings Alicia Keys very sharply. Although, I like the soul in Kinnik's voice, it is really not a good night for her. Or her wardrobe. But, to her credit, she is looking a little more womanly this week. Randy thought is was sharp and just not diggin' it, Paula thought her pitch was like "Eeeeeeeeeee!!!" and Simon comes off sounding like an abusive father by saying "You've messed it up!" as if they had some secret plan that she just went and laid a cow patty on.
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We can't give these puppies away! Katherine Mcfee, it is revealed, went to the Boston Conservatory the same as Constantine Maroulissssss. That will get you somewhere in certain parts of Estonia. She sings "Think" which I recognize immediately as the song for that credit consolidation commerical. Her performance on this song matches her wardrobe - a bit lackluster. She looks to me like someone who ran into the local Albertson's for some Cheetos but ended up getting interviewed for the Channel 6 news about whether she thinks Daylight Savings Time should go away or not and wishes she would have worn more than a simple shirt and jeans. By the way, baby's got back now! For some reason Randy likes her performance. He also prefers the taste of Pepsi to Coke and likes gaudy watches. It was a fun song and all but not my cup of tea. Paula thinks that she is a well-oiled machine. Not sure if I am to make fun of that or not as Paula probably is the fascist ruler of a race of well-oiled machines in some alternate reality. Beep! I. Can. Tell. You. Had. Perfect. Pitch. Beeeep! Bring. Me. My. Corn Nuts. And. My. Bangles. Blaaaap! Simon thought it was a risk and thinks she will sail through. I've noticed that Secrets isn't touching any of the ladies tonight. No drinkie drink for you all this evening!
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Savings so big, they will knock you on your ASS! Ayla Brown has nothing really impressive or juicy to tell us except that for years she thought her dad was Elvis because he used to sing "Love Me Tender" to her and then one day someone revealed that it wasn't her dad on the radio but Elvis Presley. So then Ayla had to settle for the disappointing fact that her dad was no one important, just a Senator. Not to like, make her tallness any more awkward, but she reminds me tonight of Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas. It's kind of grotesque. She has capris that are rolled up five feet to her knee and she adds height by having her hair pulled up and knotted on top. She is so manly looking tonight that I swear I saw her boys a-shakin' there! She makes me feel less of a man than she is. The song is a song that sadly one that I do not know and I guess I am out of touch because they don't mention the title of it anywhere before the song and then after they all talk about it like I am supposed to know who it is. Sorry folks, if it ain't on my iPod, it don't go in my ear! The song is interesting, it is more like whispers and musical bridges than anything she can really "sing." Randy thinks that it isn't much of a singer-oriented song. Paula eyes her up and down and declares her tallest person of the day. She wants to use Ayla to reach the ointments on the high shelves that she can't seem to reach. Simon thinks that she looks more appealing in the clips than in person. Come on Simon, give the rich girl a complex why dontcha!
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Buy in Bulk! Oh sweet sweet Mandiesel! Girl reveals to us that up until what...yesterday that she used to suck her thumb. Honey, I don't know how you had time between signing and visits to the Honey Baked Ham. Some habits you just outgrow I guess. She is singing the perennial Idol-Mart favorite "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Kahn. I love how she just tears it up whenever she gets ahold of a song. I've heard this song every year since like, Caveman Idol and this is the first time that I've sympathized with her plight of being every woman. She made me feel it! I feel it Mandzie!!! Also, when she gets to movin' on stage, watch out! I sometimes wonder how many puppeteers it takes to operate Mandiesel. Randy says it is the best vocal of a female this season. Lordy, if I had a dime for every time.... Actually, it was very good and he may be near-correct. Paula hearts her performance. Ayla is pictured doing a very polite but completely non-plussed petty little golf clap. Simon, who calls her Mandeezer, says he had a TiVo moment watching her. I guess I had the option but decided not to go back and watch again.
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Clean up on Aisle 8! Kellie Pickler is so this year's Carrie Underwood what with showcasing her dog just like Carrie did in her bio last year. She will be singing "I'm The Only One" by Melissa Ethridge. Holy Shit! I hope she doesn't get kicked off!!! Kellie looks like she is in a Burger King commercial with the flames coming up behind her. I think she starts off a little shaky and just when I think I hear a flat note, she gracefully pulls up into her range. Then, okay...get this, poor little innocent church mouse that she is, girl drops to her knees at the climax of the song! Her pawpaw must have just about spit out his sammich at this point. Randy Dawg Pounds it. Paula prefers plastic over paper. It is worth sitting through the entire evening just to hear Simon explain what a "naughty little minx" is. And quite frankly, I need to know because I use it at least 5 times a day. I might stop using it because I find out that it isn't as dirty as I think it is. The best part (aside from Kellie showing up Ryan Secrets) is when she incorrectly responds that she is excited to be called a Mink. I think that if Simon has anything to do with it, we will have a country girl win this thing two years in a row based on personality alone. I somewhat agree that she is more fascinating than a tractor pull but Simon says it deepest when he says that he thinks that he might even like her over last year's winner. Which, to Kellie, is like saying that she is better than one of her country idols...or "Idols." No, I think it's idol. Hmmm, "Idol?"
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Idol-Mart shoppers, please grab your Made In America products and please head to the registers, we close in 5 minutes!

3 comments:

Briguy said...

BetaMike,

I believe Ayla Brown sang "Unwritten" by Natasha Beddingfield, Beddingfeld? I actually like Ayla because she is determined to grow. Since the Hollywood auditions she has really developed in the personality field. Before she ALWAYS appeared robotic. Her vocals on this song were lost, but I'm willing to give her a chance. I didn't find Lisa Tucker's clarity on her vocals that great either. In fact, I haven't been impressed with her. I guess I expect more from her in the energy level department. Paris looked like she was channeling Brenna and I've never been a fan.
As for Mandisa...LEAVE MY GIRL ALONE. Props to her for having the courage to get her big butt out there and wow us! I have a strange feeling she has most of West Hollywood behind her.

Anonymous said...

It's true Mandisa is "every woman", to tell America that she sings this song in the shower is a mental picture that we don't want. And poor little Kellie is sooo country, I can't understand her. And did anyone notice that Ayla is so tall that Ryan is afraid to stand too close in fear that he would go "bubububububub" in her cleavage. On to Melissa, she needs to put away the three seasons ago belly cut shirts and go shopping.... even "Idol-Mart" has better fashion.
-K

betamike said...

I think neither Ryan or Ayla would enjoy that experience. You are right though, we have many nice fashions (many with elastic) in our clothing section.

Brian, you know I poke fun at Mandie with respect. A big salami stick of respect