American Idol 04/12/06 - Another One Bites The Dust

A whole hour tonight?! Why!!! dear Jesus whyyyyy!...the torment is delicious!
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Randy is too funky fresh for us in his spiderweb shirt that he spilled Kool-Aid on. Paula is already looking misty eyed so she must "know" that someone is getting kicked off tonight; why else would she be be moistening the ocular sockets this early? Secrets is grumpy tonight and frankly is starting to make me resent ever holding back on the Teri Hatcher jokes a week ago. He calls Simon out for being "not into" American Idol real snarky like as if he were Nellie Olsen and Simon was Laura Ingalls Wilder. But he's not! He is the damn c-ocreater of the show Ryan Olsen! Simon responds that he just is being honest in respect to some of the performances and goes on to double entendre that America respects honesty, a clear boo-ya from Simon's "the people" to Ryan's "Mr. Bush"....um, I mean "Billy Bush," yeah that's it. Oh, and Simon gets a tickle in on Pauler underneath the table.
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I am not quite sure what to make of the group sing a long tonight. Not to be mean or like Simon who just absolutely hates the show because he doesn't smile (according to Ryan the Obvious) but the sing alongs are never really any good. Each contestant sounds unique on their own but as a group it all just sounds like Up With People. Tonight we don't get Queen performing for us but instead, in honor of the release of the entire Queen video library on iTunes (synergy!) last night, we have the Idol Kidz Bop equivelant of a Queen's greatest hits mash-up. Here's how it went down. "Killer Queen" (Ace), "Under Pressure" (Chris and Bucky), "Don't Stop Me Now" (Kellie, Paris, Katherine), During "Another one Bites the Dust" we get shown clips of all the contestants (I know you were in there somewhere Patrick) who have been kicked off (or been thrown in jail), "You're My Best Friend" (Elliott), "We Are the Champions" (Taylor). Will Makar is in the house thinking...dammit! this should have been my week! Will looks the same. It's a shame you lose your stylist after you are kicked off.
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Fakemmercial
This weeks Ford commercial takes place at a mini golf establishment. The clothes used for this specialmmercial are all kinds of hideous, but hideous in a "that's they way kidlets are wearing them nowadays" kind of way. I personally love the violet pants that Ace has on. I wanted to say violent pants because that would have been hi-larious to see played out. But sadly those do not exist. If they do, someone please help me out with some info. The song du jour (which sounds like it was recorded in one of those recording booths at a mall) is "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." I guess I see the connection between the song title and making a hole-in-one. I see even more clearly the kids driving through South Central in their crappy new Ford getting shot at. Why am I not in charge!!!! I kind of get my wish because the parting shot is Bucky getting pelted with golf balls. After the ad is over, it is revealed that Ace picked out the outfits for this shot. It is the first time he has ever worn pink. Useless fact but why does he feel the need to say such a thing? Is pink bad? I just started embracing the power of pink in my every day wardrobe and it doesn't make me any less of a man. For goodness sakes Ace, if people don't think you already have a feminine side, wearing pink isn't going to send you any further down the hole. You of the beanie in the back pocket. Ryan even admits that he has worn that color a lot....oh, wait....
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So we have about an HOUR left. What looks like the beginning of the elimination rounds ends up being a Q&A session on what all of the kids miss most back home. WHAT!!! Is this why the show is an hour long? Most of the kids miss a food of some sort. Then we get each contestant's family giving a shout-out on video, even though most of them are there each week. Most of all I like Kellie's pawpaw and little brother Forest Gump the best. Although, seeing how upscale the interior of the Nascar-Covington home is, is quite a surprise. Other things that we learn: One of Ace's older brothers actually has a personality and doesn't come off as much of a himbo like his sibling. Also, noticably absent from the video clip is the incredibly greasy-looking permanent fixture from the 5th row. I am assuming there was an opportunity to crash some Idol-related function in L.A. that day. Ooooh! This just in! Paris wanted to be a gynecologist!!!!
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Fast Forward 1/2 hour...
Elliott, Ace, Bucky are all in the bottom three. Yes, I know, no McPheever....sigh.....
After having to listen to each one of the bottom three sing again (I now remember why the episodes get longer the closer we get to the end), it is determined 1 hour and 02 minutes after the show began that we get to say later tater to Bucky "Cheer Wine Pork Rinds My Biscuits Are Burnin!" Nascar- Covington. Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES it should have been Ace but still, I'll take what I can get from the Chiclets dispenser.
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Next week is the music of Rod Stewart who has a new album out composed of all 50's crooner-type music. yeah. Just what we haven't heard before. can't wait. Mmm hmmm. What will they think of next? Hey guys, can we please spread out the rockin' Baby Boomer shit a little further over the course of the season? Say like, never? I don't think my heart can take it.