Wednesday, May 10, 2006

American Idol 05/10/06 - McEVIL!!!!

Please bear with me.
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I'm at a loss for words at the moment.
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A whole lot has gone through my head in the past 30 minutes or so and I am trying to make sense of it all. Well, make sense of it and still try to give the best unbiased recap that I can muster.
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Gah! Oh...hells bells, who am I kidding!? I couldn't give an unbiased recap at this point if my life depended on it. Even if Katharine McPhee did just suck the life marrow out of my soul, dehydrate it As Seen On TV, pass it around like it's Turkish Delight to her fascist little coven of witches, gag on my "too hot for prime time" essence only to spit it back out in a volcanic fountain of rainbow colored gore...
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...I just don't think I could be unbiased enough to give this recap a fair go.
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Sooo, I decided to just have each one of my personalities write a brief recap of this show for me. I think one of me got it right anyway. It's kind of like the Tales from the Crypt movie except without special effects and even worse screenplay writers. Enjoy!

Recap #1 [by Eunice Cornblow]
Hey! What just happened? I missed the whole thing! I just got back in and my VCR failed to record the program! Oh snap! My evening just keeps going from bad to worse! First of all it started when my Daewoo started making this funny "AaaaEeeaaAiiiii" sound. Well, it being a foreign car, I didn't think much of it. As a matter of fact, I just thought of it as a feature that I had yet to unlock. Gosh darn it, wouldn't you know that it was really several of the plastic parts in the asbestos-lined gear-box-thingy that had finally worn out and started to melt causing their milk chocolate centers to run all down into the water-oil-juice hatch. Oh my goodness! I just didn't know what to do! I got a notice in the mail that my subscription or warranty or whatever was expired but I just thought "Let me take this into the Daewoo dealer and he'll make sense of this." Well, can you imagine my surprise when I got to the place where I bought my car and there was a Backyard Burgers in its place? I mean...seriously! I had no idea that they had moved. And they didn't even leave a sign up telling me where they went. Luckily my friend Gladys Goldfein lives right around the corner from this new Backyard Burger (and across from Miss Sarah's Country Steak and Oyster Buffet next to the Kay's Jewelers). So I go over to Gladys's house and we both take off in her Honda Yarus to the Post Office where I was headed to in the first place to pick up this very important package. Did you know that her nephew was busted about two years ago for trying to mail pot to a children's home in Virginia? Honestly, I always did think that Gladys' family was two branches short of a bush. Anyway, on our way in to the Post Office this hoodlum sprung out of nowhere knocking me over and stealing poor Gladys's key ring which had her car key, house key, Winn-Dixie, Hallmark, Albertson's, Books-A-Bunch and Video Hut frequent shoppers cards on it! We both had to take the public bus system back to the Kay's Jewelers and walk to Gladys's house where I found that my Daewoo had a completely flat tire. The neighbor boy got to looking and I guess that someone was playing with one of them ninja stars and got it stuck in my front tire....along with the squirrel's tail that had apparently been hiding from Gladys's cat by my tire. The kids got good aim is all I can say. Well, to make a long story short, I just got home only to find that American Idol was over for the evening. I guess I will watch The View tomorrow to see who got kicked off. Meanwhile, I am so excited that I made it home with my important package from the Post Office. I have found a sure-fire way to make a ton of money for the grandkids this year. I had made up through a store on the computer web a whole bunch of Chris Daughtry Is My American Idol 2006 t-shirts. The neighbor kid down the street is going to help me sell them on that eBay. I already paid him $50 to help me!

Recap #2 [by Raging Dave]
McGood Grief McPeople, someone put something in the McKool-Aid to make McAmerica go McInsane!!!! McInsane in the McMembrane is more like it!!! McCome ooooon!!!! Like, if this plastic Happy Meal toy of a contestant is going to win this thing, McCount me out now! And she's like the F-ing pre-school toy and not the cool squirting transforming robot toy for ages 3 and up! I just don't understand this whole McDebacle anyway. Chick gets herself into the final McFour and freakin' McAmerican gets the McFeelies about her being the only McFish under the orange heat lamps left over from the lunch rush and decide to let her stay! What the McHell is wrong with an all McGuy final Mc3? Huh? And don't try to McPersuade me that her McFather (umm, actually the term he coined) crying like a McF@%#&! every time that she sang wasn't partly the reason that everyone went all McHallmark on me! Here's to another potentially McBoring, McUnspectacular, McUnoriginal and McCraptastic American Idol winner America. Are you tired of the McTalk? Well, now you Mcknow how I McF-ing McFeel! Just think, two more weeks of McReferences on the show! Put a McEnd to it Mcnow!!!! McThank You.
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Recap #3 [by Mikhail Babelfishov]
Katharine McPhee будет недорогой талантливостью до один день будет как успешно как ветошь тарелки. Пожалуйста препятствуйте этой квартире падения суки на ее стороне. Младенец получил назад.
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Recap #4 [by Debbie Denial (as told to her Babysitter's Club diary)]
Oh..My..God..Did you see Katharine get kicked off tonight? I was just shocked! Like, I was kinda worried for Chris when he was told he was in the bottom two. But you know what? I kind of blacked out there for a second but when I came to, that Jell-O Wigglin' Commercial was on and Mr. Peepers my cat was licking my face. That Jell-O kid in the cow suit really like, scares me. Okay, poor Katharine. I mean, it's not like she isn't talented or anything but she really just didn't have what it took to make it to the final three. My brother says she has a nice booty but really it just looks like she has a large ass. I don't know what men see in having a butt the size of two butts. It's hard enough for me to sit down in the booth at Johnny Rockets and not make that weird fart noise with the butt that I have much less a butt like hers. I wonder if she ever goes out to Johnny Rockets in Los Angeles? Well, my mom doesn't like her because she flashed her lady bits to the audience a few weeks ago. Not like I'm defending her but I'm like "Mom, that was an accident like what happened to Janet Jackson or Bjork or the Exxon Valdez." She seriously doesn't understand my generation. I totally wonder if screwing up on that first song this week is what did her in? She was totally awful the week before too and should have gone then. American notices these things! Chris Daughtry Forever!!! Hmmm, I should write that like 100 times over so it will come true. Debbie Daughtry... Mrs. Debbie Daughtry. Sigh... It is totally Chris all the way to the finale! I can't wait!!! I'm glad that she is gone 'cause I kind of like Elliott too in a weird way. Kind of in the way like when I actually frenched Jennifer Baldwin's Rottweiler once because I thought he was cute. Shhhh...that's just between you and me diary. Well, it's time for me to go to sleep now. Good luck Katharine, I am sure you will find work somehow. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
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Final Recap [by Betamike]
So there you have it, a few different nations heard from. I personally was going to just call it quits with this one. The headline for this blog was going to read: Enjoy the rest of this miserable season on your own! Because let's face it, this entire season has been nothing but bad news for the Skinny Tiedol camp. First Patrick Hall goes before America gives him a chance (although I'm sure that my faithful readership calls in for him), then....I don't know, something stupid or horrible happens in the middle, and now this!
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But then I came to a realization (around the middle of Eunice and Gladys getting mugged at the Post Office). If I can make fun of everyone else's Idol favorites when they get kicked off and keep on blogging just because they weren't my favorite, then I wouldn't be a very nice person. I am not the kind of kid who sits in the corner of the sandbox amongst all the buried cat turds with his arms folded just because he can't be a level three Warlock while playing Dungeons & Dragons even though he clearly had a power-up available to him but because of some stupid roll of the dice.... wait .... [serenity now] It is time for...
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#1) Me to see this through to the bitter, and I mean bitter, end because that is the kind of person I am. I mean, BobSaget! I started recapping this thing back in the stone ages when Elliott looked like Teen Wolf and Gedeon McKinney was a threat! How can I not finish it!
#2) See that I become a well-balance individual by managing my humility and eating a little crow in front of everyone for all the huffing and puffing I did this Season about Chris. I would also like to apologize to the judges for accusing them of fixing any numbers on this show. Clearly they have everything in hand and one would assume are just fine in having this thing veer towards the jagged cliffs of nihilism by letting America drive the bus for once. Nicely done.
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Either way, being outraged only lets this whole Katharine thing get under my skin. That's the way gambling works folks. You put your money on a pony and when it's all said and done, you are either Anna Nicole Smith happy or Brigitte Nielsen happy. Either way, you got to just let go after it is done. At least now I can feel good about sitting back and enjoying whatever may come down in the next few weeks of American Idol without any stress...or care. Chris fought the good fight and I'm sure that we will be seeing a lot more of him (for real this time). Chris has true talent, heads above what was seen during this competition. One wonders if maybe this was a planned "out" or at least, to his advantage? Either way, whether he is screaming his lungs out to sold out arenas a few years down the road or starring in soft-core Porn, you know that Chris will be good at it!
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ROCK ON!

6 comments:

betamike said...

Just for everyone's knowledge. Voting towards the end of the show works like this:

You have a favorite.

You get a leeeetle nervous about your #2 and/or feel sorry for them so around the final 4, you vote for them heavily instead.

Your #1 choice by the way, is usually everyone else's and just like at your office, you figure someone else will do the work for you.

You would be wrong. Luckily you've just secured your #2 a nice spot to win.

Congrats!

GreenLitLindy said...

O.
M.
G.

Do you know that I have not ever...I mean EVER, gasped in shock at a television reveal in my entire life.

This is insane.

No one is safe...and I agree, not one of them, not ONE of them will have the marketability, or staying power of Daughtry.

With one or two exceptions...have we really ever bought our American Idol...it's the success of it's top 5 that sells albums.

Chris will be fine.

It's just the shock that we to watch and believe that these three are worthy of the finale moments.

And, they're not.

sewgal said...

Okay, I'm just as shocked as everyone about Chris...but the real story here is you have truly missed your calling! I'm just your sisters nerdy little friend from Arkansas, but if I were placing bets it would be on your journalism career or at the very least you could be like that guy on the Today show who does clips on the World's Largest Ball of Twine and Where to get the Most Fattening Cheeseburgers in America. The real upset here is there are only two more chances for us to read your post show...well, we'll just call them short stories! I can't wait for the next season of Skinny Tie Report!

betamike said...

Jeff, not since JR Ewing was shot did I ever feel such a shock! I agree 100% that true talent will sell records and not an "American Idol winner" title. I think losing this thing is good for Chris and baaaad for 19 Entertainment or "J" Records or whatever.

Hey Sewgal, any friend of my sister's is cool. Thanks for the compliment. If I did this for a living I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams and have a cocaine and Zoloft addiction. I'll stick to doing it for fun or until somone realizes that I don't have any talent and Blogger deletes my account. Either way, I'm glad you were along for the ride!

coffeygirlb said...

I just don't even know what to say. At least ot wasn't Elliot. But I was just SURE Chris would win..

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