American Idol 05/17/06 - Hey Boy, Hey Girl!

First news of the night: In case you are wondering what Ace Young has been up to, the answer is: pretty much nothing except taking up space in the Idol auditorium. Tonight he brought a hot new date though - Kellie Pickler! He also brought his anemic brother along so I guess the date's a wash.
!
Fauxmmercial: Shady Pines Edition
This has to be the best damn Ford product placement commercial yet! I don't even care that they are blatantly trying to enforce the mid-life crisis stereotype that a cherry red convertible will make you feel younger. I really really don't but you have to admit...I'd look good in there. So the Idols are hanging out in this (quite frankly) awesome Senior's resort. In the real world I'm sure it is a very hip 1950's apartment enclave-turned condo that I would just die to live in! The prosthetics are very good, you can hardly tell that underneath it all are three very young Idol hopefuls. Except for the fact that Elliott's craggy maw remains where dentures should be. There is rump shakin and gold chain wearin' and a little hot tub action with an apparently virile Grandpa Hicks. The gerri's eventually all pack up in the Mustang (oops, didn't mean to mention it by name) and drive out of the complex when suddenly it is revealed that they are young again...or just feel that way. No report on whether driving the sports car made the boys feel...compensated.
!
Home Away From Ryan
The idols all get to go home on Marquis jets. Well, except for Katharine who I guess just jumped on the expressway. Birmingham is all shook up over Taylor's visit. Bernard Kinkaid is still kickin' it as mayor from the old Ruben days. He plays the big mall in Hoover, Alabama where he went to school. No, he didn't go to school in the mall, I was just trying to save words. Then it is on to the governor's mansion where he is met by Count Chocula and the Pepto-Bismol lady.
!
Katherine doesn't get the hometown chutzpah but she does get to be a guest on Good Day L.A. which would be like a dream come true for me. It's such a freak show! It is like being at Prozac's Anonymous!! Then she gets to see mundane things from helicopter like her reflection in a shiny building and the Hollywood sign which she says is her town (???). Once she gets to her high school the kids cheer because they get out of class for a period and a chance to see her forget the lyrics to a song up close and personal. Some rabid fat kid decides to squeeze her impromptu-like to see if she is made from jam or jelly...no one really knows the difference between those two!
!
Elliott takes the jet back to Richmond, Virginia where he is mobbed by a million dentists! Hahaha! Just kidding. Actually his journey is pretty much straight from the Andy Griffith show. First he goes to the podunk pharmacy where he used to straighten ointments and laxatives and hair removal systems and such and then to the small park where he gives a lovely concert late in the afternoon, to the governors mansion where his mom kvetches with the Gov. Then to the hometown parade lined with photogenic hometown folk and one crazy lady with a camera who shakes her puppies at Elliott as the car passes. Making the entire thing eligible for syndication, Elliott throws out the first pitch at the local baseball game. You can tell he is a very well liked human being which makes Katharine's edge in this competition all the more cold and calculated.
!
Back in the Idol Auditorium, creepy Clive Davis talks about selling "units" but forgets that he is talking to a nation of file sharing Americans. He says the word "units" so many times in a row that it starts to sound not like a real word.
!
Say Goodnight And Go
The video screen is used to give us a nice Powerpoint presentation on mathematics. There are three percentages shown that represent how close the calls were last night. Which basically means that everyone in the country upset by last week's Idol have evenly split their votes among the three remaining kids because trust me, the last three aren't that good. It was like seeing Chris spread out all across the video screen...Mathematically speaking of course. This also means that while the contestant going home with the lowest percentage is barely losing, the contestant with the next lowest score is barely winning .... Kaaaaaaaaaatharine?
!
If there is one thing that tonight has taught us it is that it doesn't matter how nice you are on the inside, if you look like you are going to chew your way through the plastic wrap on the CD case, you won't sell "units." I see Soul Patrol all the way folks because this McPheever that I hear going around ... Yeah, you don't want any. Hmmmm. McPheever... Avian Bird Flu... McPheeeever...