American Idol 05/23/06 - Drunk on Idol: Season Finale Part 1

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!This is American Idol!

...with the singing and the jerking and the exploding when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head bhay-gn-flay-vn!

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Let's kick things of right with a little free publicity for....Mandy Moore who sits in the audience like some sort of strange Twilight Zone doppelganger, life imitating art imitating life...and not just because of American Dreamz (but mostly so). Also, Ben Stiller trying to hide behind some woman in an Abaya.
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Ryan Secrets reminds us that we have been watching since January. News like this is such a downer. It makes you think about all the time you wasted on this show and have only an empty void to look back on sort of like when you built that sad replica of Heritage U.S.A. out of "I Love Jesus" pencils only to have the PTL Club fold the next year.! When asked what the contestants need to do to win the audiences over tonight, Simon suggests that the contestants pray that the other one forgets the words. Hmmm, is this an obvious jab at Katharine? Well if not, I am making it one.
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The story is just so polar. Girl vs. Boy, South vs. West, vocal lessons vs. raw talent, boobs vs. man-boobs... It is just what the Producers envisioned. Come to think of it, if Chris was still in this competition, would we even be debating anything? At least now our tofu has a slight competition flavor to it. Even though it's still pretty much tofu from here on out.
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Katharine McPhee chooses to sing "Black Horse and Cherry Tree" (who thought up this song?!) again which you might remember as the irritating butt scooting song from a few weeks ago. The judges "meh" the song overall. Simon calls her out on not picking a song that was big enough for the occasion tonight. She says she chooses the song because she liked performing on the ground (seriously) and to sing a Top 40 song for wishful thinking. Overall rating: Brown.

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Taylor Hicks gives a perfectly Taylor performance of "Living For The City" in an AWESOME purple velvet jacket. He also starts his performance out in the audience amongst the past Idol contestants...or his friends as he likes to call them thank you very much Katharine McPhee. Man, I want that jacket so damn much!!! This blows that horrible Black Cherry Horse song out of the water. Chris Daughtry seemed to be enjoying the performance. Chris's wife seems to be enjoying Chris. Ace's Klingon brother seems to have traded up and is now sitting next to Chris. Move over bacon! Taylor milks the man-of-the-people thing and Katharine immediately phones her publicist asking if she should do more of the same. Overall rating: Shiny.
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Katharine picks "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" for her next safe choice. I would have dropped dead from shock if she hadn't sung this. I should have bet money...damn damn damn! She uses this opportunity to finally get to perform sitting down which is exactly what she did last time and the time before that with that annoying tree song .... aaaaaaand camera 1 on dad crying. Right on cue! Great job McPhather! Paula talks of possessiveness and points out how sweet it is that her dad weeps for her. Yeah for wuss dad! So overall, Katharine does well with this song again giving herself a little padding. Of course since this has been the only stand out song for her, I would be you a million dollars that this will make it as the first single off her new album. If she has one. It worked for Clay and "Solitaire." Of course if she loses and her life spirals out of control, I would imagine that this is the song your would hear that "McBag Lady" sing out on the street over and over and over again. Either that or you might catch a glimpse of some homeless lady scooting her ass across the intersection saying "...with a big black horse and a cherry tree...woo-hoo,woo-hoo..." Overall rating: Elphabalicious!
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Taylor's favorite song of the season is "Leave On" and has chosen the Elton John song to sing for his final selection. This song makes Taylor sound like an old man with false teeth. It isn't my favorite Taylor performance and certainly not the one I would have thought he would have brought at this stage of the game. Randy thinks it was pitchy. Paula backhands the compliment over the net by telling Randy that what he thinks of as pitchy is just the essence of Taylor. Ewwww! Simon gives this round to Katharine. Hopefully the sappy single they have written for the kids will be just what we need to level the playing field. Overall rating: corn!!!
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This is the part of the competition I dread the most each year: Finding out what awful American Idol-produced drivel you will hear for months on end whenever you turn on the radio. And this year the single is almost as sappy as last year's "Inside Your Heaven"...almost! Katharine's is called "My Density"...oh, I mean "My Destiny." It is soooo pitchy. This song makes her sound like a country singer. Also with these heavily pushed Idol original songs, there is always the same formula: There is the obligatory shot of dad crying, the same rent-a-choir joining her on stage, it's as standard as a Ford Focus. At the end it seems she just gives up and squeezes out the last note. Suddenly Tori Spelling is listed as one of her family and friends?! WTF! Randy is loving the dress the voice and hates the song. She says "oh, okay!" like, as long as you didn't say anything bad about me then it's fine. Simon is the only one telling her like it is on this one. Overall rating: doom.
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Taylor's contractually embarrassing song is "Do I Make You Proud" which is not written any better than Katharine's song but does not have Kat's execution problem. It might be kind of unfair that it is easier to sing but I'm not complaining. I don't know what it is about both of these songs but again...sounds like Country Top 40 gold all the way. Like a Chick-fil-A sandwich, which tastes better even after you eat it, this song actually came back to visit me in my head after the show was over. I'm thinking it's Soul Patrol all the way, the audience response is waaaay off the meter. Simon actually says that this split the tie and if it were based solely on that, he wins American Idol. Next, the judges actually fight over who saw Taylor first. Overall rating: smiley faces and one gold star.