American Idol 05/24/06 - The Season Finale: The Final Part

This is It!!!

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This is what you all have been waiting for...The finale of American Idol Season 5!! And by "you all" of course mean "me." Since this is officially sweeps month and certainly a very special evening, I have put together a look back at this season of The Skinny Tiedol in logos. Such a retrospective is of course du rigeur during one of these "very special" final episodes. "Cue the Daniel Powter!"

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The evening begins with the mega video screen-of-the-third-kind opening it's womb-like doors to reveal that all of the Idols are...dead!!! Or pretending to be or at least paying attention to Stage Craft 101 and dressing in all white with a backlight behind them. It's like they are in a Kanye West video dressed as angels coming back to sing with Carrie Underwood who is Jesus. It's all very wrong and surreal, sung to "Made It Through The Rain." Oh, let's not forget this is all about Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee which is hard to do when Chris Daughtry makes an appearance and the volume in the Kodak Theater goes to 11.
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With it being Sweeps month and synergy Hell inside the Kodak, there are too many stars to name. The camera shots tonight are especially choppy and bad. Pitchy. Definitely pitchy for me dawg.
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Everything has a video backstory tonight. The contestants for sure, you know that the damn product placement has video support, but tonight even the judges get their own video package. Simon's is especially...well, naughty as it shows nothing but clips of this strange fixation he has on running his wetted finger over various parts of his body. One or two shots at the most? Noooooo, try about a minute and a half worth of finger sucking and nipple touching!! Interestingly Ryan introduces Simon as "the ego has landed" which is akin to Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan calling Krystle Grant Jennings Carrington a bitch. Didn't think I'd go all Dynasty on you huh, Ryan?! This is the finale buddy! Best watch your step!!!
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Time to go live to places that you'd only want to see on video anyway...the contestants homes towns. In Birmingham, we have Becky and Jesse O'Donahue. It is crazy here! People have dyed their hair gray, the crowd is going wild, there are exploding larynxes...ha! That never gets old!...sigh. Goes to show you kids....never try to sell your sad story on TV. People like me will get mileage out of it! I guess because Katharine is local, she gets the ghetto treatment by having her celebration at Universal Studios with Tamayra Gray. Don't get me wrong, Universal is a great place to have your little gathering I suppose but in the scheme of things, isn't it like renting the birthday room at Chuck E. Cheese?
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Idols and their Idols
2 hours tonight right? Sure, why not!!! I have nothing better to do anyway, but how on Earth are they going to fill the time? How about having all 12 kids sing a song tonight? Sure, why not!!! I have nothing better to do....oh, I've been here before. Paris Bennett kicks things off with "her Idol" Al Jareau. What?! I've studied Paris's official American Idol bio and I know for a fact her idol is Beyonce and I don't hear any Bootylicious going on up in heyuh! I know you guys are doing what you can to keep things under budget but please, don't play us like the Brittenum Brothers played y'all. The only think I could think during this duet was "Please God let them sing the theme to 'Moonlighting'!"
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The next duet is Chris Daughtry with Live live! It is so complicated to say but can I tell you how excited I am!!!? Seriously!!! I swear I thought I was hearing things. I mean, the word "live" is tossed around here like so much Coke product but finally for the first time in like...EVER there is someone on American Idol that I am truly excited about! No quasi-country artists, no has-been Baby Boomer acts trying to suppliment their Medicare, no Anne Murray!!! This is mutherf***ing LIVE...live! This is actually a group I have been to see well...live!
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Puck N' Pickler. This pairing of Wolfgang Puck and Kellie Pickler is so embarassing for the countries of France, Hollywood and America. I for one completely believe that Kellie Pickler knows exactly what escargot is. In fact, I think she has eaten much worse than snails before. Frog legs people!!! Come on!!! She is from the south, she has probably eaten opossum, squirrel and cat before! Give me a break. Even if she hasn't heard of escargot before, you can't tell me she has not read all of the "enter-uh-net" sites about how she ain't foolin' nobody except maybe paw paw.
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Katharine McPhee and Meatloaf. "It's All Coming Back To Me Now." But I think I am leaving something in its place. Pee-yew!
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The Golden Idols
Basically the yearly look back at the horrible audition tapes. This is for those people that decided to skip the first half of the season. Remember the Paris Hilton clone? The Clay Aiken queen that actually isn't Clay Aiken? Rhonetta Johnson? They actually award something to these kids and even go through the motions of saying that they "aren't there that night to collect the award because they are too embarassed." Yet Ryan still stands up at the stand with no fear of being ashamed or embarassed. Miraculously, a golden moment of live TV happens when crazy Dave Hoover (ironically Patrick Hall's roomate from the Hollywood auditions...seriously!) actually shows up to collect his award for I don't know, biggest idiot, and jumps right off the stage and into the rich tween girls in the front row!! It's hilarious that the Producers are just that hard up. Kind of an unplanned moment you can tell because they cut right to commercial with no outro music.
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When we come back from commercial all rested up and thinking of Crest Whitening Strips and Coca Cola Blak, the Boys are "Taking Care of Business" looking all manly dressed in black, singing a medley of rough and tumble songs. Only Ace takes a little of the edge off the manliness so that you won't be so scared of these ruffians....thes hooooligans! Then, for some reason, Ace runs off and leaves the sing-along to go hugs his dad. Ummm Ace, haven't you been like living on their couch for the past month? Hellooo! Now get back up there and finish the damn medley!!!
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The Fauxmmercial. The Last One
"Don't Stop" which is completely not the thought I am harboring at the moment. In fact this is essentially water torture to me at this point. Couldn't they have picked "The End of The Road" or something that had to do with "The End" and "A Road"..you know, for the car theme. The fauxmmercial is Kat and Taylor at the drive-in sitting in their convertable watching clips of all the past Ford Fauxmmercials. Awww, the sweet long ago days. Hands where I can see them Taylor!!
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Golden Idols contiune with the "Sappiest Moment." The award goes to Claudette, Elliott's mom and her reaction to her son's homecoming parade. She was up against Katharine's dad crying at everything and Chris's haus frau forcing herself to be happy for her husband as he no doubt goes off to be a rockstar with a million groupies. Good times.
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Elliott Yamin's Idols Idol constitues him singing "One" from U2. Could it be?! Oh my gosh, the video screen is opening up to reveal....Mary J. Blige? Huh? It turns out that this duet rocks the place. I am completely loving this version of the song although she does tend to Diva pee all over it and steal it from Elliott who is reduced to the "whaoaoao" part.
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Jesus take the remote, it's Carrie Underwood making her outgoing prom queen appearance with "Don't Forget To Remember Me" complete with Sandra Dee nightmare hair and shameless fiddle music. That song title it totally country and totally cornfuses me to pieces. What is that? Some sort of Da Vinci Code I am supposed to unscramble? It's like Sudoku!
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Another Golden Idol award (yes, I know) for Rhonetta Johnson winning the Randy Jackson Public Speaking Award. You just knew that Rhonetta, or as I like to call her...4th and Lexington, would make an appearance during the grand finale and wouldn't you know it that she just has to flash her hoo-hoo one last time at the camera? It's all kind of sweet though, the fame and publicity from her appearance and subsequent website have softened the hard edges around poor Rhonie. She actually does something funny by cussing up a storm until she realizes that the award is nice and shiny with her name on it and immediately starts to smile and thank her "American Idol people" before assaulting the cameraman for cutting her off. Clearly all an act but you got to hand it to a girl who goes from letting her ninnies hang out on National TV one minute to serving up Rooti Tuti Fresh and Fruties at IHOP the next minute without batting a fake eyelash. Oh yes I didn't!
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"Idol's Idol" odd pairing of the night #2 comes in the form of Taylor Hicks and Toni Braxton singing "In The Ghetto" (the song and not the location). It seems to me that if Toni wasn't this sultry, breathy thing already and had a career established because of that fact, she would be kicked off of American Idol for her sultry breathiness. It seemed that during the entire song, she seriously didn't sing more than three notes.
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The girls sing their medley which features Katharine much much much more prominently than the guys round did with Taylor. The only saving grace of this medley was Mandisa's lead on "I'm Every Woman" which proves that she shouldn't have been kicked off that early...if I dare say at all!
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Best Finale Moment #1
Golden Idols "Best Impersonation" award goes to...Michael Sandecki as the next Clay Aiiiiiiiiken! Giving his mother something to be reeeeeeeally proud of. This category seems a little shaky territory to be in what with the flack the Producers got this season from G.L.A.D.D. when they focused a little too much on the drag queen aspect of the show (one of the nominees is the Cher impersonator that Simon told to go put on a dress). Well, anything to focus the attention away from Ryan Secrets "reputation" right? Okay, can I tell you that what happens next, as hokey and disturbing as it is...seriously, like walking in on your parents having sex...gave me goosebumps and a little bit of loose bowels. Actually willing to embarass himself just a little bit more, Michael Sandeck, in full Clay Aiken gear, is given a mic and starts to sing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" when Clay Aiken walks out in a swagger with the most disturbing haircut you have ever seen in your life. I almost thought that it was going to be a duet with K.D Lang. Soon little Michael realizeds by the crowds reaction that he is not alone on stage and where you have always heard about two universes touching and destroying everything in its wake....the squeal that little kid let out, I could swear was right outside my window. The whole thing was so freaking genius, I give it five metaphorical thumbs up and a Tootie Ramsey. Pop culture so good that it implodes upon itself in a firey ball of sass and smarts. It's decadently good like KFC's new Mashed Potato Corn Chicken Gravy bucket thing!!!

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A Medlely! We're In A Medley!
A tribute to Burt Bacharach with all of the Idol finalists. "What the World Needs Now" leading off with Taylor Hicks joined by Katharine McPhee. "The Look of Love" with Ace hair muppet head and Sun Coast trash Melissa McSomething. "I'll Never Fall In Love Again" with Kellie Pickler who has snail breath. "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" wishfully sung by Bucky Nascar-Covington. "Say A Little Prayer" by tonight's favorite vocalist Mandisa again reminding everyone that she is TALENTED and that you are out of Kool-Aid (the form fitting red dress was just wrong!). Somehow the youngest member of the group Lisa Tucker looks like she is about 35 years old singing "Alfie" with all that makeup on her. "When A House Is Not A Home" sung by Elliott Yamin tearing it up real good. This is definitely a night for Idols without a lot riding on this. I speak too soon with Chicken Little's "What's Up Pussycat." There is just something about hearing Kevin mention "that word" that is just too much. "Close To You" with Paris Bennett. Dion Warwick levitates out to the stage to join this magically smooth medley with "Walk On By" and "That's What Friends Are For," the latter being joined on stage by all the kids.
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Best Male Bonding Golden Idol (the last one I swear!) is given to driven-into-the-ground Brokeback Mountain joke Garet Layne Johnson, Matthew Buckstein and Michael Evans. The Brokenote Cowboys. Whoo-weee that sure is some mighty played out parody! By the way, they all three sing. They are horrible.
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Best Finale Moment #1 1/2
PRINCE!!!! OHMIGOD!!!
DEARLYBELOVEDDARLINGNIKKIVICKIVALEIWOULDDIE4U!!!
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The purple one actually makes an appearance on American Idol!!! Meanwhile it's raining frogs outside of my window. Tricky Ryan Secrets! He just finished saying that there were no more tricks and then the camera gave this minute long shot of the audience squinting their eyes from all the lights flashing on the stage. At first I thought it was Taylor because you couldn't see who it was due to the backlighting but when it turned out to be Prince (who honestly was the furthest thing from my mind), I was dancing around my house in my underwear singing "Computer Blue"!!! Not sure of the two songs he actually sand but they sounded good! One of them I believe was called "Satisfied." The other one I am sure had a number in it or something.
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The Pre-Results
"Time of My Life" duet of Taylor and Katharine. They are the two finalists remember? Visions of Dirty Dancing and putting Katharine in a corner.
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The Results Results
Taylor Hicks wins!!!!
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Thank God American Idol is over. I have done my job. Hope you all enjoyed reading The Skinny Tiedol this season. Tell your friends. Jesus take The Wheel.

I couldn't resist one last logo!