Sunday, October 01, 2006

Judging Books By Their Covers - Branson Edition

Every year when I get back to my old stompin' ground in Branson, I like to descend on downtown like a canker sore on prom night to skulk the wonderfully crap blasted aisles of Dick's Oldtime 5 & 10. Actually, I think they prefer to referrence it as Dick's Oldtime Five and Dime, but I'm so annoyed that they make such a ruckus about the "oldtime" part that I always forget to care. Being a little too focused on the "oldtime" in their surname is like Sonic wasting advertising dollars on their drive-thru, it's pretty obvious...and pointless, the shit will still sell even if you only had...well, only a dime to your name.
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This place is as as crusty as your granddaddy's undies! A visual display nightmare, you could potentially...actually get killed in here but that's all part of the fun of it. In fact, while I was here, several boxes came toppling from a top shelf several aisles away to which an employee, who looked like a sweet cross between a bar maid and a scarecrow, floated over to assess the damage. I could get lost here for hours without even really trying and I am sure that the parent-to-kid panic ratio is exponentially high on any given tour bus unload. Needless to say, Dick's 5 & 10 doesn't have to shout that it has it's feet firmly planted in yesteryear, it simply has to subtly flash you as you walk by.
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I have taken a gazillion photos of this place and plan on doing another post on all of the other things I found inside during this visit but if you want to beat me to the punch, my Flickr site has all the photos rounded up for you. In the meantime, check out some of the great books that I found right near the front door that you too could have if you had...well, $3.99 and up.
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The entrance to Hell. If hell was decorated with awkwardly hung World War II bomber prints and spinner racks. I think I see sale items!

Seven Special Days
Jesus! What!...tell me! This sounds like something you'd hear after watching a religious version of The Ring. I suspect that this ends well. I also am a little skeptical that Antarctica was originally green.

Simon Minds His Manners
I'm hoping Simon is the one on the right. Then again, little miss Simon sure do mind his manners enough in that nice tiara. "Is that egg Faberge!? Hand it over biyotch!" You go girl!

Prickle Says I'm Sorry
For what I can only imagine. For starters Prickle, checks and polka dots...uuuuunh uh!

Dexter Don't Do That!
Levitation should only be reserved for overly inflated self-important actors! What will the neighbors think. This dog is shades of Katie Holmes and the dad is acting just plain glib. Ummm, drunk typesetter or can we squeeze another letter in the author's last name please.

GOD MADE OUTER SPACE!!!
It's official!!! Fuck you Pluto!

2 comments:

Gashapon said...

A masterpiece! I must go to this place!!!

betamike said...

James, you'd love it the mostest!!!