Presto! I had talent!

Freestyle spoon player, idiot savant, Golden Girls addict.....candy maker? I bet you all didn't know that once upon a time I was good for something other than being mistaken for Alan Cumming.
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Yes, once upon a time - a looooong time ago, I was a lobbyist for dentists everywhere. For four years I slaved over 310 degree kettles learning the craft of candy making under the tutelage of the legendary June Ward, Candy Craftsman emeritus, at Silver Dollar City in Branson, Missouri. Yes.... Branson... Missouri. I don't care who you think you are, Branson is either the best or worst thing about America; and even if you are part of the latter group, you can't help but realize the sheer geeky pleasure of rolling condo-less green hills, genuine smiles (mostly with teeth) and being able to ask for anything "fried" without anyone looking at you twice.
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Ah, yes. Branson was my nirvana. For a Gen-X'er (pow! welcome back worthless noun) raised on soft-core country PRON like Anne Murray and the Oak Ridge Boys, Branson was an undiscovered hot bed of pop culture fungi. Almost ashamedly during my summers there, I was befriended by the Lennon Sisters from the Lawrence Welk show, who not knowing better, entrusted their daughters to my care since (I dunno) I looked innocent enough and was probably the only person to ever visit the Welk theater under the age of 60, ended up hanging out with the second generation Osmond Brothers and saw Johnny Cash for free just about every night of the week since most kids my age at that time hadn't yet hopped on the alt-country express. Hell, who am I kidding... there were no kids my age hanging around Branson back then. I was country when country wasn't cool.
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Don't be fooled, I am not bragging that I used Branson as the playground for some of my coming of age sassy antics just because it has exploded as the new mecca of tacky tourism. I'm just saying that...well, I guess that's what I am saying. What I am bragging about is the fact that I got to know one of the most inspirational, fantastic and legendary women of the Ozark mountains. June Ward both scared the crap out of me and at the same time, single-handedly taught me everything I needed to know to survive in the wild, much less everything I needed to know to make one hell of a batch of brittle. Of course, I've since flew proverbial coop and pretty much forgotten how to whip up 64 pounds of Rocky Road fudge (sorry), not to mention the fact that I don't own a kitchen the size of a small airplane hanger. All that to say this: I found this really neat clip on the Silver Dollar City website of Aunt June practicing her craft which I have conveniently added below. If you find yourself in the Candy Factory, ask for June and tell her that it's just as she predicted, her damn nephew grew up to be as nutty as a batch of peanut brittle and just as sweet!
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The fruits of my labor
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Silver Dollar City Employees of the Year. The guy on the top left also won "most likely to be sick of candy within a year." Bow ties were so hot in 1893.

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• See a video of my Aunt June in action

• Silver Dollar City official website

• Silver Dollar City via my Flickr site from 2005 and!2006