American Idol Recap 05/11/05 - Good Guys Finish Fourth

Good Guys Finish Fourth

Hey everyone! How are you all doing, have a good day and all that? I really hope that you didn’t cut someone off in traffic today just to catch the elimination show tonight, the writing is so on the wall for this one ladies and gents. I had lunch downtown today at a nice Chinese establishment and even my fortune cookie told me tonight’s results. It must make it easier on TV Guide and Entertainment Weekly to compile these stories ahead of time. Now they can focus on every second of Britney Spears’ first trimester. So I took the liberty of going out to eat with my California trip friends in lieu of staying home and watching the show live and in person. I just had the barkeep tell me what was going on…he wrote it all down on a little napkin. Oh, but what kind of E-host would I be if I didn’t come back home and tickle the DVR and give you the gooey details raight cheer (my phonetic country twang). A bad one! Bad Bad Bad!!! By the way, perfect evening out: Urban Flats in Winter Park followed by a nice pot of tea at Austin Coffee and Film. It’s sauce!

Okay, soherewego! The Head greets us tonight looking sharp as a tack in his preacher man clothes. I am disturbed that he only dresses up for the elimination episodes. I guess that is respectful but it is odd that the kids are all on the opposite schedule. They look like Ross bargain bin urchins on elimination night. Oh and Seacrest, I totally had that same tie back in the 80’s, but props for retro deliciousness. Seemingly forever ago, we skip the Paula controversy tonight and instead focus on the fact that OMG! we are almost at the end of this season’s American Idol!! What’ll we do!!! So The Head asks the crowd who they voted for and the House of Yes responds with a booming “Mwaaaaaaaa” sound. Hmmm, I am not sure that I even remember Mwaaaaaa being a part of this competition. I also could make out a few “Bo’s” in there, but mostly from his grandma. She had a bull horn or something. I am sure that she kneed some PETA activist in the groin for it.

Because they have to, the kids will now entertain us with this week’s sing-for-your-supper sponsored by 19 Entertainment: “Bringing judges and talent closer together for over three years.” Oddly, the kidlets are going to sing “Islands in the Stream” by Jerry Goldsmith and not a Gamble & Huff tune. Gasp! Tell me the thinking on this one thematically.

Nigel Lythoge: “Hey, let’s break theme and throw consistency out the window, what say? Can you think of a good song?”
Ken Warwick: “Ooooh, I know! When I think of good songs, I think Dolly Parton…and Kenny Rogers!”
Nigel Lythgoe: “Great idea, now if only there was a song that combined both of those great flavors.”

I feel sad knowing that this is the last time we will have an even number performing together as a group, and even sadder that it is to this song. If we are going to go country lite, I would have much preferred “Love Will Turn You Around” from the movie Six Pack! That was a great movie!!!! But I get the whole duet thing so yeah, whatever. The video screen in the background is just killing me tonight. It is nothing but a giant shimmering puddle of water; it makes me want to pee. Plus the song is putting me to sleep, it really is. I have had this problem lately and I wonder if it is my hearing or the fact that I live in a microwavable society. Everything just seems to be in a slower speed these days. I want this song to be faster, more up-tempo…in 4/4 time for goodness sake! While I wade in the shallow pool that is this song, I notice how funny the kids outfits are tonight. Bo of course can’t be bothered to put on a decent pair of pants for tonight’s show…or dress outside the lower side of the color spectrum. Anthony Federov is really taking off with this Ryan Seacrest rip-off look, I really like the unfinished jacket though. Very hip and cool to have your clothes start to fall apart already when you buy them. What I don’t get are the very basic, very white pair of Reebok’s that A. Fed has chosen to go with his Seacrest knock-off. That is something that The Head would never do. Carrie is just a country girl so I can cut her a lot of slack, there just isn’t a lot of expectation there. Tonight’s outfit though has got to be the strangest one yet, it consists of this tan colored pair of slacks and a basic white t-shirt with a kitty on the front of it. A kitty. For real. Oh, it’s cute and all but….I don’t know, it makes me think she put in a quarter outside of a Denny’s and got that plus a rub on tattoo. Where the heck are they paying the American Idol stylists for anyway? Okay, so then there is Vonzell. The Vonz does not disappoint with her crazy belt fetish. She is back this week with an old familiar favorite: The belt made from old Diana Degarmo CD’s. It is nice to know that she and Seacrest recycle pieces of their wardrobe.

We break for a commercial which gives me time to dry off from my visit to the Idol pool. I am delighted to come back to this week’s Fauxmmercial. I have no clue which Ford they are trying to push on us but what I do know is that BoBice! steps out of the car looking like a Rastafarian! Anthony Federov backs up his devotion to living the American Dream by talking like Joe Pesci, “How ‘ya doin’” he asks Bo Marley. “The Vonz” can’t help but dig Bo’s new look, she’s just gotta get her hair dooed just like that! Eager to jump on the bandwagon, the kids blindly pile into the car. If I didn’t already know that all these kids were acquainted, I’d have one strong word of advice for them: beware of white guys with dreads who drive a Ford Focuses, it can’t lead anywhere good! And was I right or was I right? To the tune of “Ready to Go,” Bo takes them right up on some crazy roller coaster track into the sky! Man, I just have to wonder what it is like to live in Idolville with these idiot kids running around on roller coaster cars or running through the streets in giant puppet costumes. Is rent there cheap? What’s the property value like? Meanwhile, back in the car…Vonzell called “shotgun” and so Carrie and A. Fed are relegated to the roomy backseat. The car does a few banks, catching some serious G’s and finishes with a full loop. I won’t even go into the physical improbability of this actually happening much less no one needing a barf bag (Ford is very image conscious!). With that, the kids all jump out of the car looking like Bride of Frankenberry with their hair all sticking this way and that. They laugh and point at each other, complimenting how they like each others new look. For A. Fed it is an improvement, for the rest it is just unfortunate. Vonzell is funny though with her crazy stiff pig tails. See, this just couldn’t have worked with Pig Boy still in the competition.

Back in the studio, The Head presents us with a special treat. We get to see (again) each contestant’s audition tape, just to compare to how they have grown or matured through the competition. First up is Vonzell Solomon. We get a nostalgic look back at Vonzell, before we were biased. Before we knew things like: She knows karate, she has a brother with narcolepsy, she is a mail carrier, she knows karate. You can see that her belt fetish starts waaay back in the competition as she is sporting a whopper right there on audition day, plus mis-matched shoes. I give her points for being so Punky Brewster with her Jimmy Choos. Of course she pawns it off as she just couldn’t decide which to wear which leads me to think that she sometimes does this with the mail she delivers as well. She actually sounds good when she auditions, very fresh. Even back then Randy is on the “V” train as he whoops and hollas over her audition performance. “Pssst, give me a call Baby “V,” I’ll coach you through the audition phase….oh! Is my mic on?! Prank call….prank call!”

Next is Anthony Federov. Awwwww, how sweet and innocent. Can’t this just double as his farewell video? Sigh…Look! It is the A. Fed that we all fell in love with and rooted for early on to win this thing! He had such potential, his problem is that he didn’t get a private judge, it would have done him a world of good! Another great performance from the audition phase, it makes you wonder if showing these is a bad thing. I am much more likely to see how bad or ho-hum they have gotten since we first saw them. A. Fed just never found his niche, he should have stuck with the Clay Aiken comparison, which is rehashed in his audition flashback. A. Fed tells The Head that he looked funny back then. Then? I just have to laugh. I think that comment says way too much so I don’t have to.

Carrie’s video is kind of neat to see because I don’t remember really paying attention to her when this was aired the first time. The hair is big and the voice is bigger. I can see why she was way up on Simon’s list during the auditions. I think I can see her bra though in this clip but I am not up on my country fashions so maybe that is the way it is supposed to look. Simon is asked if he remembers predicting that Carrie would win this season’s American Idol way back then. His answer is that she is in the final four right now and so he sticks by that comment. I guess Seacrest just doesn’t hear him so he gets persnickety and says something that only a person with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame would say like, “I kind of figured you would sidestep that question.” But in actuality Simon did answer him. Either way, he is asked again and once more he gives the same exact answer. I sometimes feel bad for Simon. Carrie is shown whispering something to A. Fed. I can’t quite make it out but it looks like she is telling him that she can see her bra in that clip. I could be wrong.

Who are we forgetting? Oh yes, BoBice! Wow, I forgot how terrifying Bo looked back at that stage of the competition…freak show! I have sort of grown accustomed to him looking like the leader of the Rainbow People nowadays. It is easy to see why Constantine was the clear choice for “rocker” way back then. Ha! Ha! Constantine. Bo hasn’t progressed much in the way of fashion either. Aside from the scary cow hat he had in week two of the competition, his wallpaper shirt in the clip is probably the worst I have seen him dress in a long time. There is a reference made by Simon during this flashback regarding Jon Stevens that I don’t remember hearing the first time. My speculation is that Simon was leery of letting someone who claims to be a rocker into the competition based on the fact that it is seen as a “novelty” like Jon Stewart’s “crooner” act. Well, seeing as how Bo will more than likely win this thing, I am glad they threw that comment in there. I also thought for a moment that it is cool the potential winner for this season auditioned in Orlando. Neato!

After a few words from our sponsors, we come back to find the kids sitting on the plush elimination couches awaiting their sentencing. The Head has in his hand a Marquisjet card which will be used to whisk three lucky contestants back to their homes for a heroes welcome with parades and celebrations and clowns and balloons and Shriner’s cars and barnyard animals and little bobby and suzie and the American flag and Jesus! It will be swell. For one contestant though, it will be back to oh…let’s say Pennsylvania to pick a place out of the clear blue sky. Oh, and they are sending them coach! Ouch! Just in case you are wondering the Marquisjet card that The Head was holding is card number: 230 1120 0540 made out to American Idol. Valid from 05/05 – 05/06. I love DVR! The scary thing is that when I went online to explore their website just now, the link had already been visited by someone else. Hmmm, I wonder if my close relative is secretly planning on whisking me away on some flight across the country to catch an opera, just like that hooker in that movie!

So who is taking the red eye on Jet Blue tonight? Ooooh, the tension is killing me. Really…it….is…I…swear.

Quick and dirty, Bo is barely off the couch when he is told to return there. Bo is safe to rock another day. Carrie is safe even though she was one note away from being pulled off stage by a giant cane last night with her performance of “If You Don’t Know Me By Now.” She excitedly runs and jumps into Bo’s arms…I kid you not! We are down to (shock!) Anthony Federov and Vonzell Soloman. Not to be too ungracious but I really didn’t think that Baby “V” would have less votes than Carrie. I truly think that you could gargle water at this point and it wouldn’t matter because it is all about the fan base. I was just supposing that last night might have swayed one or two Carrie fence-rider’s to go the other way and vote Baby “V.” Ha! Ha! Guess not!

Okay, so as not to be too “I told you so” about it, America finally pops the zit that is Anthony Federov’s career and sends him back home to mom and dad. We say a fond farewell to tracheotomy boy, one of the nicest and most polite of all the American Idol finalists, one impervious to Paula’s advances. Such a nice kid, I wish him the best of luck at all his future weddings and bar mitzvah’s. хорошее везение и До свидания (good luck and goodbye). Carrie is very emotional during his farewell video and starts to tear up. As A. Fed sings one last time, Carrie’s crying is caught on the jumbo-tron. It is too funny, she mouths “I love you” in big six foot high facial expressions. The Head gets the last word in as always except this time instead of saying “Seacrest. Out” like normal, he says “Stacked is next.” I find that hilarious, or at least at 1am I find it hilarious.

Well, that’s it kidlets. What say we do this again next week when we say goodbye to yet another Idol finalist. WHO WILL IT BE?! I’m already hard at work making my “Welcome back Baby “V”!” banner, road trip to Ft. Myers anyone? Oh well, we have a week to think about it.