American Idol Auditions Chicago: Deep Dish Secrets

I realized early on tonight that writing a recap on these, the first several American Idol Audition shows, is like trying to wrestle a bag of soggy weasels. Make that krumping ninja weasels wearing hoop earrings! Things on this end of the season are hastily edited, out of sequence, names are numerous and forgettable and I can't comment on the judges clothes because they change so many times through the process due to all the launched Cokes and marathon slumping they do over their score cards. It's really the early shows that try to suck in every other living soul that still hasn't heard of American Idol. Like your granny. So I gave up (sort of) on trying to make this a recap. Instead, it is more like an observance of things as I saw them, as they happened. Kind of as if I was in the room with you going "No she did-unnnh!"

So let's pray that the auditions go quickly and we can move on to the lights, drama, action of Hollywood real soon! If you didn't watch the show last night, you might now want to follow along, or maybe you do. It reads like a David Lynch screenplay if you didn't.

Tonight started out like every season for me, full of energy and excitement! Ryan Secrets looks like a penguin from a Muppet Movie tonight. He has a black velvet jacket over (shock!) ironic tee and jeans. How does this man stay ahead of the fashion curve while living in Los Angeles? It has to be his, what, eighth job?! Also, what I mistake at first to be a big red bowtie turns out to be his overly spray-tanned neck. Oopsie!
He is standing on a dark stage of what I can only assume is this year's Idol's stage, or at least we are led to believe this because why else would he be there? Ryan mentions something about how while most Americans are doing things like "fixing cars, waiting tables, selling real estate..." Wha?! we the viewers can like, move beyond all that and help make a dream come true for one lucky mechanic, waitress or agent, I guess. Right at that moment, some tech nearby turns on the house lights and the big reveal of.....the auditorium. The seats are purple!!! What a let-down. I bet it's not even in L.A. It's probably in Duluth. On a critical note, I think they personally should have waited until he said "This is American Idol" to flip on the lights. Would have had a better effect.

Que the music! You know, after a year off, it was really exciting hearing the opening music again and mayhaps a new opening sequence? Hmmm, nothing really spectacular and since there are now five seasons, the elevator should have stopped on 5th floor but it doesn't. It stops on the 4th floor where I expected to see Carrie Underwoods face since we passed all the other Idol winners on previous floors but it isn't there. Oh wait, there it is! She was hiding behind another door. Carrie!!!

Before we start stuffing cotton into our ears, Ryan voice-overs about how integral American Idol is to our lives. Look everyone! Look how sad we are!! It's like they just realized that American Idol is some kind of media juggernaut or something. There are clips from when Simon was a voice on The Simpsons, there's an Entertainment Weekly cover from like, 8 years ago! They go as far as to say how abrasive Simon Cowell is, yadda yadda. Hmmm, but no mention of how Paula supposedly Straight Up now uh bupa bah-bah'd one of the contestants. I guess that didn't make the news much. Then in a nifty bit of video trickery, there is a montage that makes it sound like that similar polio vaccines in the 1950's, everyone has been "touched" by American Idol. Even I almost got dripped on by the sweet sweet sappy drippin's.

And if they are trying to sell American Idol as being as traditional as hot dogs, Starbucks and apple pie, then The most du rigeur of all traditions is the embarrassing audition process.

Chicago - it's windy! and rainy!
The first guy that the Producers throw in front of us is Dereck Dupree. Dereck is confident, very confident. "I'm so confident it hurts, it cuts off the circulation" Huh? He mentions the sexiness flowing through his arms like tingles. It reminded me of Madeline Kahn's character in Clue. "It, it, the, it, flames, flames, flames . . . on the side of my face..." Oh, did I mention that I gotta love the pit stains our friend Dereck has goin' on. I think this guy Sky Capped my luggage the last time I was in Chicago, which is never. But I swear it was him. Surprise! his audition was horrible. "So much confidence...it...on the side of my ears..." Of course like every disgruntled indignant person he begs for them to give him an hour so he could come back and do better. Yeah, that's how it works.

The next few contestants went something like this: Freak, freak, freak, tall freak, freak, dweeb, freak with fishnets...

One guy comes out in a gingham dress and blond wig with pig tails. I'm not even going to do the honors of telling you all who he was trying to look like as it might actually give him some attention that he was clearly trying to muster. The thing is, it isn't even shocking anymore for someone to do this...NEXT!!!

So still no one with a yellow sheet to go through until we get to the Brittenum Brothers (Terrel and Darrel). They are the first to get through this season and from my recollection the first twin set to get through without some sort of questioning. I'm kind of with Simon though, I usually dismiss the twin gimmick because it's just too hopeless to think that you'd want to see either one of them in the finals competing against one another, it'd be way too boring and really you're never "unique." Even twin Clay Aiken's would cancel each other out if there were such a thing. Gasp! What if one was like a rebel with piercings and tourette's!?!

Wow! There are so many upbeat, bubbly people coming through there. It makes me wish I had a Casting Scout card to throw! I just noticed one of the girls had my ATM pin number on the front of her name card.

The singing cop. How sad. How novel. Now I know why that Bob Marley song always grates on my nerves, it only has one chorus. Okay, I know it doesn't but how many times do we have to listen to this?! I can only pray that he wasn't supposed to do something to stupid in his uniform while not on duty, do you think his commanding officer let him wear that? Maybe he risked it all for a shot on American Idol like that lady did last season who sold her wedding ring to pay for her trip to the audition. People are dumb.

Dereck Dupree Update! Oh, that Dereck Dupress is helping the Producers sell the audition show gimmick by going out on the street to sing. That is soooo last year people! Funny thing is, people keep passing by Ryan and Dereck without even noticing...Ha! Ryan surmises that they aren't Idol fans but really, they just hate Ryan. Like me.

How about Eric Lawhon from Missouri? He's kinda, umm, different. He talks like Edna Garrett. Simon thinks he sings like an Auntie. Hilarious! But true. I think he could probably fill in for Jimmy Sommerville any time he gets the bends. Eric is travelling with (shocker) his mom and grandma. His mom says things like "His choir coach says he'll go a long ways." A long ways. [shiver]. Grandma wants to kick Simon's butt for not moving Eric on to Hollywood (because we all know that there ain't nothing that boy needs more in life than a trip to Hollywood all by his lonesome). In a brilliant bit of reverse psychology though, Simon argues that she's giving him false hope. She says "I'm his grandma, of course I am!" There you go America. Stop blaming the parents, blame the elderly!

Okay, Zachary Smits from Hudson, WI. Pretty nice kid. Good voice. Shell necklace, aviator sunglasses hanging on shirt pocket. Ewwww. No.more.shell.necklaces!!!!!! But, Ryan Secrets goes all drooly over him. He moves on as well but hopefully he will have moved past his Ambercrombie, Aeropostale&Gel phase before people start throwing Ugg boots just to see if bad taste just naturally sticks to him. Nice try though.

Up next is Jessica Nelson. If you didn't see the show tonight then I can't help you visualize this one, but suffice it to say, Jessica is maybe a little crazy. She's dipped in KY Jelly, rolled in corn nuts and deep fried in spicy chipotle sauce crazy!!! I think she sang about someone walking into a room with a big brown !beep! and a big brown !beep! From there it was all beeps and such. But I thought the song was charming. There's one in every crowd you know.

The best part of Chicago was the recently dejected girl standing outside the audition room griping to the camera about not making it and how they don't even know talent when BOOP! out comes one other girl doing the Icky Shuffle with her yellow piece of paper. Then ensues a forest of pointed figners and a sing off of sorts, which is hilarious because the girl that didn't make it sounds good actually and when it's the other girls turn, she's all like...The proof's in the yellow piece of paper y'all! See ya! I had to watch that at least three times to see if I could catch the blocking marks on the floor, it was staged so beautifully. Probably the highlight of the night if you ask me.

Ugh!!! Every year has a crooner. Just get rid of them all before we have to hear them please! PLEASE!!! Not to be close minded or anything but why go all "Ooooooh" right now but as soon as they have to sing...anything else, Pooooop! I just don't see the point. The revival is over.

The next most fascinating person besides Jessica Nelson would have to be Cristal Parizinki. Paris-inski? Play on words? I don't know but this Idol hopefull had the full on Cristal Light-headed thing going on. Her mom was even scarier. She is what every parent fears will happen when Paris Hilton actually clones her personality and spreads to impressionable children through pink Razr phones. Vaguely there for us at all, her conversation was limited to "I mean, Like, Sure! I mean, yeah, and everything." Ironically her singing fit her personality. Simon was nothing more than fascinated at the copious amounts of sun tan shelac that covered her body. Oddly, it was only after she was told she wasn't moving forward that she woke up and became coherent. Odd. And not hot. The picture to the right is a composite of what she looked like, the Idol web board was buzzing tonight over her performance. It appears that Paris Hilton's initial test run of a Paris-bot is successful.

The last guy to go through tonight is David Hoover. Let me describe him: 6 feet tall, talks to the animals, he's barefoot, has coffee pot eyes, I think maybe he stinks? Anyway, the 2/3 majority vote thing really pays off here as he (incredibly) gets to move on. It could be that the judges are punch drunk or have ass blisters from sitting so long, I don't know. Either way, if you have this guy in the office pool, make sure you pay in chocolate coins!

So from Chicago, on goes 34 hopeful contestants waiting to have us forget who they are in Hollywood.