Friday, March 03, 2006

American Idol - In A Hurry!


I just did all the boys and girls in one night! In my living room!
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Let me start out by saying that after trying to balance a whirlwind vacation with my family, a hectic work schedule and a five hour marathon of Idol watching, I feel tired, downtrodden and frankly...like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. This must be how Paula's face feels under all that foundation. I hope you all enjoyed watching Idol live the past few days. I have to say that there were times when the anticipation was just killing me not knowing what was going on but then I focused on the free meal I was getting from my mom and dad and everything from that part of my world went bye bye. I do however apologize for the long silence and am back with a condensed version of this week's Idol fury! I figure that you all picked up on the nuances of the delightful horridness that was brought forth this week so I will try to spare you the details that you might have already forgotten and just lay the goods on you in a Flash Cards style recap. Thank you to everyone that updated me with your comments, I hope that I did not plagarize too much but getting text messages this week with some of your hilarious commentary on the show (that I had not even watched yet) certainly played in my mind while watching the show. Bring on the Whopperettes!
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Girls Night
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Katherine McPhee and Kellie Pickler scarily are roommates in some Motel 6 out in Reseda, California. They show us in the bio clip how completely hazardous it is to be a Guest in the hotel room that they share. Essentially, once you wade through the Sonic wrappers and piles of Earth tone elastic tube tops, you come to the social center of their home, the bed with the ghastly checkered headboard to which I am almost positive Kellie immediately attempted to play with using pickles and the onions from inside her box of onion rings. You must also watch out for pig noises and spray-on "tanning solution" when you visit. Speaking of pig noises, what was going on with Katherine's range during "Only Love Is Fair?" She has a guttural tone that doesn't sit well with me. Wasn't this the girl they touted as the best female vocalist ever in the history of American Idol last week? Katherine is also wearing a maternity top. An earth toned maternity top but maternity nonetheless. Seriously, you could sport a very large squash under there and still not have the elastic budge. The song is long, boring and forgettable. Oh hey! I forgot to tell you that this week you shouldn't be daring and different, you should pick something safe and completely predictable. Like a lullaby. The judges meh over it except for Paula who is handing out compliments like sausage link samples at Winn-Dixie. Even though they are the "Beef People" please do not try the free sausage at Winn-Dixie, because of Winn-Dixie. Thank you.
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Paula is dressed like a Pirates of the Caribbean Cast Member. The hair is decent though.

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Kinnik Sky tries for the cowboy look made famous by The Vonz last year. Cowboy look equaling camouflage pants, a corset and ginormous hoop earrings the size of Dish Network satellite receivers. Did you also think that once the cowboy hat went on, she completely changed into a man? Certainly she is a woman (I think) as the boob sweat distracted me but she could totally pass for a really bad drag queen. Go RuPaul! She sings Gretchen Wilson's "Here For the Party" to which the judges pan except for Pirate Paula whose rose colored eye patch gets in the way.
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Lisa Tucker outs the fact that American Idol is just a stop along the way in her goal of doing things that most everyone will never get to do all by the tender age of 16. First there was Lion King, now American Idol, then her freakin' driver's license....sheesh! She sings a Jackson 5 song that I soon forget. She further pushes her World domination agenda down our throats by telling us that she used to sing that song when she was "little" which was like, yesterday. Okay, you're good and really young. Got it. Paula of course lobs a compliment cannonball at her which she absorbs like the soft wood of an English frigate.
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All I could get from Melissa McGhee's bio was that she now has a phobia about people seeing her feet and that she is from Florida and that she talks constantly and makes this surprise face all the time that kind of makes you think she sees you as a box of McDonald's fries and she is really really hungry. She sings some Reba McIntyre for us, kill me for not knowing the song. The best thing about her performance is the shot of her friends Florida (God help us all)...Boca to be exact. You can tell by the orange skin, tall hair and the cluster of worthless sparkly geminels that hang from their neck down to their fanny pack. One looks like she could be the head waitress at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Tampa. I'm sorry to comment but if Patrick can have really, ummm...odd people shown during his performance, then everyone else is fair game. Oh, the judges blah blah blah, she did good.
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Heather Cox chose "Hero" by Mariah Carey because it has never been sung on American Idol before. Really? How can this honestly be the case? I mean, American Idol is one of those shows that just screams for "Hero" to be sung alongside classic but safe ditties like "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" and "I Will Always Love You." And how did she find this out? I forgot that Heather is an American Idol stalker, meaning that she is as crazy as some of the cat ladies that watch and drool over people like Constantine and Ace (and probably just as dangerous) but can actually carry a tune. Ryan Secrets asks how someone becomes an Idol stalker to which I know a lot of you were ready to raise your hand to answer that question. She basically says all the right things to formulate the profile of both an American Idol stalker and serial killer but leaves out the important piece of being fanatically devoted to reading the Skinny Tiedol.
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Brenna Gethers says "hello" and I cringe because somehow everything she says is a lie. A really hateful and conceited lie. She keeps preening and making herpitous love to the cameras giving us a little shoulder, a fake smile, the pouty lips. I know that in some countries where there is no smut, she is probably a Goddess but quite frankly people, living in Orlando I've seen skanks and there just isn't room nor patience in my life for another one. I could imagine that when her time finally comes and she leaves our lives forever, all of this body language that she is so fluent in will help her in no time score big on the streets alongside the likes of Rhonetta Johnson. That is, if people can stand even the small talk. Brenna interestingly looks like Boston audition's Irada Jafarova with that flamenco dancer outfit on. She attempts Donna Summer which sounds awful but of course I've always thought that everything that she has sung has sounded like cats dipped in hyrdrochloric acid. Even though Paula is drunk on grog and clapping wildly as the song ends and the camera pans over her, she tells Brenna that she doesn't feel the magic. I often wonder what Brenna would look like bald with scabs all over her face. Just curious.
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You know what I love about Paris Bennett? She reminds me of Keshia Knight Pulliam during her cute period before they added Raven Symone and made her as annoying as Cousin Oliver. I applaud Paris's wardrobe. It is usually cutting edge and very out of the box but tonight she appears to have the strangest assortment of jewelry on with what looks like one of those back support belts from Home Depot. She is singing Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" which I don't think is a very good song for her but what makes it even more hard to watch is her flapping her arms when she gets to the chorus. criiinge! However, Grams from the Sound of Blackness is watching so Randy at the behest of his respect for Grams says nothing bad. That scallywag Paula tells her it wasn't the best song but still loved her red shoes.
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It is learned that tomboy Ayla Brown has gained self esteem through makeup application and hair moisturizing. Something that apparently was lost on her before this. It is a nice message but the fact that they even focused on that is hilarious. What will we not watch given the opportunity! Pardon also for not being diverse but most athletic girls really don't care about that kind of message do they? Like, isn't she mortified right about now? There is a crowd shot of Mom mugging for the cameras. Her morning show is going to sizzle the next day I betcha! "Ayla honey, I have to do a remote real quick! Watch channel 2 news!"
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I am thoroughly enjoying Kellie Pickler's journey through Los Angeles. She had her first spinach salad, her first squid and she is totally amazed at how all the dogs wear clothes. Including Brenna! Ha! So easy! So I love Kellie, everyone loves Kellie so I am not going to comment on the actual song because it was good but there are so many other things to say. First of all, she put the microphone between her knees so that she could hold up nine fingers. Thank God she didn't use her toes to count! Secondly, she freaks out over her little dress up session for tonight's performance because she can't balance in her heels....hells made of cork might I add! Ryan hates girls so he can't figure out anything to say but it is funny watching him being outshown by a little country girl. Pick Pickler!
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Mandissa is looking mighty aerodynamic tonight folks with her hair all pulled back and her long flowing sleeves like wings. I'm thinking that Mandiesel Air is ready for departure! Her dress is so black and expansive, I can't tell where the stage begins and her dress ends. It is though she is both aradiantt oak tree and the fog from Lost all at once. I had never "Cry" by Faith Hill and I thought the song would be boring but out of nowhere comes this voice! Aside from the drag queen theatrics during the song (i.e. tracing the tear down her face with her finger) I think it was pretty damn good! I was certainly inspired and agree with Simon that she might just be the best female vocalist this year. I might even want go as Mandiesel for Halloween this year! If I don't have enough fur to make a Elliott Yamin werewolf costume.
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The Boys
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Taylor Hicks is up first and talks about being recognized on the streets now for his gray hair. Ummm, how about the fact that you walk sideways and yelp "Whooo!" every few seconds. They also show him in his incognito getup which is basically just pulling a "taboggin" over his head. Which is scary. I also don't feel comfortable with the word "taboggin" for some reason either. "Easy Like Sunday Morning" is basically the type of song you would expect him to sing so I am not overly impressed but I do still like watching him. I keep wondering what a conversation with this guy would be like. I'm sure that it would be distracting having it punctuated with Whoos and Yeahs every so often. "Hey Taylor, would you like some pudding?"

"Yeah! That sounds great alright! whoooo!" I think he smokes a lot of pot.
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The fingernail moon is in effect and Elliott Yamin is morphing from Werewolf back into a rat. His video is nice in that he really loves his mom, Estelle Getty, and sang his heart out for her during the Hollywood rounds as she became very ill right after the auditions. It was so interesting to hear her exclaim that she was verklepmt! Elliott has stolen his wardrobe from me tonight complete with dress shirt and sweater vest. He's rocking it nerd core which looks good on him. Can someone please get him a bang trim immediately though? It is almost at a 90 degree angle for goodness sake! He sings a wonderful rendition of "Moody's Mood For Love" which blows anything that hack crooner David has ever done right out of the martini glass. The judges love it and despite the tooth problem (and let's not deny that we all hope Ameircan Idol hopefuls get complete dental coverage) he is slowly but surely securing a place in the top 2 of my Idol list. Ryan must love the feel of the sweater vest because he cannot keep his hands off of him! Drink up everyone!
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Paula tonight looks like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader that has been dipped in oil and gold lame'.
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Ace Bandage to me looks like a ragged out Gen-X kid from 10 years ago. How does this look appeal to so many women that I talk to out there? What is it? Is it the greasy unkempt hair? Is it the bags under his eyes? What! He tries to relate to us by saying he keeps a beanie in his back pocket and that is his "thing" like Carol Burnett tugging on her hear or something. Frankly, I think it is very gimmicky and I would much rather him do an armpit fart to identify with everyone than have everyone try to guess what color his beanie is each week. Ohmygod! Did you see Ace had a red beanie this week! Gasp! He was red hot! Yes, the beanie really got him through that one tonight. Come on people. During his performance he hits this high not that I swear made my dog pee a little. Randy and Paula climb aboard Spaceship Ace for an out of this world thumbs up for his performance and actually compliment him on giving the hearing impaired something to be thankful for. Simon is the only who realizes that thinks heard live sound a tad bit better than when they are played back. I wish I was there when Ace watched his playback after the show. Sheesh! If Ace wins American Idol at all, it will be on looks alone and I can tell you that if you help put him there, you need to update your "hotness" chart.
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Gedeon McKinney completes his transformation into cyborg tonight while reading the intro into his own backstory (sorry for thplagiarismsm Libbs). Reading is Fundamental! I'm starting to see what is going on here. Basically, Kinnik does a quick change and pops into a suit to become Gedeon! The robotic banter is just to throw us off the trail. All kidding aside, the resemblance is amazing. Paula's compliments are becoming more like bad fortune cookies. "You are smart and brilliant." A comparison is made about Gedeon by Simon to Sam Cooke. Not sure if I see it but at least Gedeon spared us this week from having to listen to another party song disaster like "The Twist."
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Our friend Chicken Little arrives even more full of confidence this week to sing "I Heard it through the Grapevine." Disturbingly, in the bio, they have a shot of what looks like Kevin picking his nose and then......eating it! Kevin also must be on MySpace because he is getting emails from 12 and 13 year olds and quite frankly, that is where they all hang out. If you have a 12 or 13 year old, you might want to check this out. OH MY GOD!! It is revealed that Paris Bennett has been reading the Skinny Tiedol and lays claim to calling Kevin Chicken Little. What?! Bitch please. Someone help me out here. Can someone please vouch for me that you heard it here first?! Someone?! I'm not all that creative but at least leave me with a little bit of dignity and respect people. I've already check a few other blogs and everyone is all whooping and hollering how funny that Chicken Little comparison is. ......Sigh......
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Gah! Another Stevie Wonder song. This time by the 2-hype Jose Sway Penala who appears to be wearing a Members Only jacket and he has lost the silly hat. Looks like Sway is having an off day. Goodie goodie goodie. I am not much of the Sway fan but I hate it when the judges try to give them an excuse to use. Ooooh, you must be feeling sick. Ummm, nope. Just an error in your judgment Paula. Sorry. Someone actually claps when Simon tells him that he didn't do well. Ha!
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Will Makar had his picture made witJustinin Guarini which he tells us is the highlight of his life. Which is scary. What is even scarier is that he says he was watching Justin Guarini sing when he was 12 years old!!!! Damn!!! I can't imagine anything more funny than looking into his Peter Brady smiley face while he tries to be serious singing Kenny Roger's "Lady." Not a great fit for Will nor a good song to sing on this show. After the feedback, Ryan basically undresses Will from the waist up and then Will hilariously plays up to that fact that Ryan may like that a little too much and pretends to try to get away from him. Everyone laughs at Ryan. It is funny.
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Way down yonder on thChattahoocheehi we have Bucky Winston Kool Salems Covington telling us "Bah bahbop bo bop boppiddy buoop bop" which is cuter on Kellie Pickler than it is on him. He sings a little "The Thunder Rolls" from Garth Brooks which sounds good but has the same effect on my world view of what makes a great American Idol as the crooner does. I expect a "Get the hell out of here with that!" from the judges but surprisingly get only positive comments....even from Simon. Paula was especially nice. Oh my God, I think she wants him too. She has a serious problem.
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David Radford is going to sing Sinatra. Everyone, please do not bum rush your TV in response to your uncontrollable excitement. Now this is all about taking risks. Oh how I just love this kid. He stands theremotionlesses during his critique shooting bullets at the judges for finally calling him out on the mat as an annoying hack. Please prepare the shoebox so we can bury this annoying trend immediately.
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Chris Daughtry. Fuel. "Hemorrage." Rock. Amazing. Sausage! This performance was so amazing that my DVR jumped off of the shelf, onto the floor ran around a bit and then spontaneously and without warning, burst into brilliant blue flames. The kids hanging on the rail up by the Coke room have completely stopped politely dancing along and are staring at the stage with their mouths in perfect little "O's" of amazement. The rest is pretty perverse. Paula is a moist puddle of wet and Secrets of course touches the sausage. You can just tell that his wife is even more panicked than she was during the audition rounds. She asks Paris if they had padlocks at the Home Depot where she got her belt.
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The Eliminations
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The group sing-a-ding-ding is "Love the one you're with" which is somehow an all girl solo night. It is still cheesy and randomly awful but up to par with my expectation of it's delightful awful cheesiness. Mandiesel, bless her heart, looks like one of the Hippos from Fantasia (the film not the crazy).
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Carrie Underwood makes an appearance. They ask her how life has been and she has that "under contract" look when she answers that everything is fine. She sings a song that has apparently been perched on the country charts like a rooster on a hen house for a few weeks called "Jesus Take the Wheel." Which I thought at first was like an expression but found out it is more like you know, telling Jesus to take the wheel. Kellie and Heather know this song very well and sing along.
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First round of girls. Gedeon masquerading as Kinnik is in the bottom three. Brenna is also in the bottom three. Brenna had the lowest number of votes. The lowest number. What? Really? Didn't she say that she has a lot of people behind her? The lowest number? Reeeeeeally? She tells us that she is ready to make some money. Her words. Can I call it or what. Hit the streets baby! 1-900-NAAAASTY. The good news is: BRENNA GETHERS IS GONE!!! Paula's comments as to why Kinnik and Heather are in the bottom three is because "Simon said because one of them ate pizza and the other ate salad." The Percoset is really kicking in! I am not sure what exactly all that was about but it was pure TV magic. I watched it at least twenty times. It now sometimes just plays in my head like a nice jingle. Anyway, the Idol stalker is out.
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Boys elimination. Sway sways on down to the floor because everyone can see through his slimy exterior. Crooner is also in the bottom three. Secrets just loves asking every. single. person. if they are in the bottom three. It gets old after the first person. Sadly Chicken Little is also in the bottom three. Sway looks like a little pit bull standing up there with Chicken Little and David Radford. The lowest number of scores went to David Radford and my ears breathe a huge sigh of relief. David also gets the Miss Congeniality award by snatching the mic from Ryan's handviciouslyly before he sings his farewell. In other good news, Sway is history. Two less people to care about. Which all makes me sad for the fact that Patrick could sing circles around these two and they lasted a week longer than he did.
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Well, that does it for my quick stab at this week's American Idol. I'll be back next week to devote more time and effort how it happens...as it happens.

4 comments:

James said...

I'm glad to see the crooner go but I still feel bad for him. Did the judges really think he could do anything different? Didn't they learn their lesson w/John Stevens? I mean...why give the kid false hopes?!

coffeygirlb said...

I know I just can't get over how much Patrick got Robbed. I will forever be angry. Even though from what I hear he's so over it. Cause he knows he can BRING it!!

coffeygirlb said...

Speaking of giving false hopes. It's time for Paula to stop patronizing little Kevin Covias. I mean yeah, he's cute, yeah he has a pretty good voice but come on that kids not gonna be a STAR. Lets not eliminaterick...to keep little real talent cough cough Patrick, to keep little nerdy boys around for shits and giggles.

coffeygirlb said...

Uh, yeah. Clearly I did not proofread that last comment, sorry!