Super Ghetto Fabulous Orlando Holiday Fun Parade 2006!

This year, Orlando threw off the gloves and had a bells-out Christmas parade that was just this side of Ross Dress For Less with a splash of Arena football. The parade was ho-ho-hosted by Grand Marshall Gloria Gaynor, and emceed by Alan Thicke...Alan Thicke!!! With special parade appearances by Larry King, several A.M. country recording artists and American Idol wannabes!!!
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Wow!

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Here's just a taste of what I saw. Please eat with a spork.

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Make way for the baby machine!
Can't you just feel the ratatat message of immaculate conception here? Nicely themed! Of course I have to say that. I was bribed into submission by the fact that in place of an actual baby to portray our Lord and Savior, there was a large bag of Jolly Ranchers in the stroller. Genius! Of course we were all thrown samples. Symbolic? Sure, but only if you got watermelon.

"I'm starting to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!"
Someone just doesn't have the holiday spirit. That's you Miss Magnolia! I see your flag sagging!

Just look at these fabulous parade give-a-ways!

Merry McChristmas!!!!
Aaaaah, this was the float that got my feet out of the gutter water and tap dancing with joy. A real honest to goodness celebrity! Seriously, you could hear the children's screams from 3 blocks away as soon as his McHummer turned the corner. Show 'em that democracy isn't dead...the kids want trans-fats for Christmas! The nuggets were by far and away the best treat handed out at the parade today. Here we see an action shot of Ronald lobbing one to a plump 6 year old with pigtails. I was enthused by Ronald's attempt at spicing up his megaphone with yuletide joy even though it does seem half-assed. I do believe that McDonaldland stylists wouldn't have let him be seen in public with something like this. Hmmm, probably an impostor.

I'm not sure if the antlers detract from the mini-mini's or if the unfinished game of connect-the-dots really goes with faux deer pelt.
"...and shuffle off to Buffalooo..."

Skinny Tiedol meets Skinny Tiedol Runner-Up's
Kevin Covais and Melissa McTrash from American Idol Season 5! Can you believe it?! Chicken Little right here in Orlando! This is a Skinny Tiedol dream come true. This parade couldn't get any better!!!! I would have tried to get a better picture for you all but I was gorging myself on a plate of fried pickles at this point and could barely get my lard-laden ass out of my seat in time to grab even this shot. I passed on the $15 ticket to go see him sing later on, I mean...come on. There are limits.

Fishnet stockings, patent leather boots and jazz hands!!!! I'm still trying to get over the fishnets but hey, celebrating our Lord's birth only comes once and year and this is Orlando.

Tyracize it!
Proof that Tyra Banks it is having an effect on today's youth. Particularly so because this little diva got to ride on her own float with silvery eye glitter whilst the rest of the Jr. Jezebels had to make it work walking behind her her sucking in the fumes of inadequacy.

Junior Predators
Today was a day for Predators. Mostly of the adult kind by the amount of all the single men with hands in their pockets, but there were these Junior ones as well. I've never seen anything like this before: 6 and 7 year old's shouting "Shake your money maker!" I wish I was joking.

If it wasn't just the best shade of green, I would have turned shot her owner on site.

Here comes the FANbulance!
Quick! Give me 50 CC's of indifference...Stat!

"The best use of lawn ornaments in a parade" award goes to....

...Santa!!!
Oh, and honey, making the sign of the cross won't protect you from him. And that's an "X" by the way.