Dear Santa: I am In Hell

Dear Santa,
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I'm pissed off. Living in Florida is starting to make me feel all Grinch-like. True, the sunshine state lives up to it's moniker and provides us with a heaping helping of Vitamin D each and every blessed day, and also true that everything is pretty much raining palm trees and flamingo snatch. Now, I know that most people would give their last ounce of Metamucil to live in sunny Florida...but I am not most people.
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"Ooooooooooh, it's too cold. Brrrrrrr, I hate having to put on a shawl! Gah! My peanut brittle is...brittle!"
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Really? Let me tell you what I detest. I resent the fact that my Christmas will consist of 80 degree weather and pancake pits. A sunburn to guide your sleigh Santa? Yes, the weather forecast has us once again dreaming of a white Christmas. Unfortunately, the only white Christmas that we might achieve will resemble cocaine on some dead hookers rump. The analogy is of course that Florida is a den of sin...check into it!.
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One of my fondest childhood memories involves peering out of my parents Oldsmobile on the way to Grandma's house on Christmas eve and seeing quaint little farmhouses in the distance. Blankets of snow glistened under illuminating allure coming from the soft yellow light of their living rooms. I would press my face to the car window as we pass by; my cheek would almost vibrate against the cold glass in contrast to the warmth that the people, cozy inside of their homes, must have felt.
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There is a house across the street from me here in Orlando decorated to the hilt in honor of our dear Savior's birth (Jesus loves dancing lights!) but alas...as I once again press my face to the glass, dipping into that bit of nostalgia, I scorch my forehead as I am reminded that a Florida winter exists only in snow globes.
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You're A Genius Charlie Brown!

Could there be any other Christmas special more endearing, timeless and heart-warming than "A Charlie Brown Christmas?" I can't bring myself to make one snarky or disparaging remark about this classic Christmas special. Not even about the choppy. broken. halting. dialogue that must have come from hours of coercing those child actors with Necco Wafers and the promise of polyester jumpers. Okay, so maybe one snarky comment.
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Just seeing the little forest of angular brightly colored trees and the watercolor soaked joy of those backgrounds makes me melt away as if I had been dipped in some magic inkwell. There is, however, one very special moment in this film (twice to be precise), that is my favorite of all.
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The Christmas play rehearsal. I think you know where I am going with this. Eight totally cool kids dancing without abandon to the funky beat of their own drummer. There's the girl who continually looks at her right hand, then her left hand, then her right hand (WTF!). The boy in green doing the "Sleep Walk," and of course the happy bobsie twins! My favorite though is the little guy in the orange shirt. Best. Dancer. Ever. Charlie. Brown.
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It's hard to imagine just what kind of environment those United Features Syndicate animators were working in back then, or what they were thinking exactly; but for 43 years, they have kept the Christmas spirit alive for millions of little kids across the globe...and for yours truly, a stocking stuffed with slick dance moves.
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Rankin Bass Bigotry

So I guess I forgot that today was December the "somethingth" and almost freaked out when I saw that "A Christmas Story" was on television (not yet in its 24 hour marathon form) as well as that good ol' harbinger of the holidays "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer."
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I had a very hard time deciding which of these two classics would be elected to distract me from my Yuletide domestic errands around the house. The timeless-because-its-intentionally-dated "Christmas Story" or the dated-because-it's-dated "Rudolph?"
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I figured that I would have a better chance of actually getting a Red Ryder BB Gun than missing an opportunity to see Ralphie, the Bumpus dogs and Scott Farkis sometime in the near future, so I instead stayed transfixed on the felt wonderland that is Rudolph.
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I can still remember the night that this special would always come on. It would be the exact day that we were rummaging through our waxed boxes of ornaments. For me tonight, seeing Rudolph again was more about the phantom smells and sounds around my subconscious 7 year old self than it was the spectacle of seeing stop-motion animation. Immediately I could imagine mom making dinner in the kitchen and the aroma of Christmas candles giving up their sweet stale aroma after their year long nap in the attic.
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But this trip down memory lane was a regressive therapy session in yet another way. I soon remembered how much I secretly despised this show and how it somehow shaped the world view that I currently hold. Before we all get off on our soap boxes, I will state that I honestly do love this television special for the message of acceptance that it ultimately gives....at the end....after scaring the bejeezes out of me.
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I'm not sure where I first noticed it. It could have been when Hermey the Misfit elf was practically ostrasized for being "different" (cue Bronski Beat's "Smalltown Boy") or it could have been the way Rudolph was treated while playing reindeer games. From the get-go I always cringed at the way these creatures were treated. Partly because I guess I always knew that I was "different" too and that I would someday have to put up with stupid bullies the way that these two did.
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Was I going to find solace by knowing that there was a near-Siberian island full of people just like me? Hell no! Even I would have no business cavorting around with a train with square wheels dammit! No, I sort of understood all of the reindeers and elves giving Hermey and Rudolph the cold shoulder because, heck, that is just the environment in which they were raised.
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It was the scene in which Santa himself comes by and tells Donner (how gets selected as Rudolph's father, I'll never know) that he is ashamed of Rudolph's deformity and goes as far as giving Rudolph a tongue lashing himself. Is this the leadership that they need up at the North pole? Of course Santa eats a little crow at the end of the film but mostly because poor indentured Rudolph bails his ass out during the snow storm to help save Christmas. If it weren't for freaks like Rudolph, Hermey and Bumble, I am not sure that could sit here in my house and stay transfixed on the screen wondering how those felt eyelids actually would feel if I pressed my fingers against them.
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Super Ghetto Fabulous Orlando Holiday Fun Parade 2006!

This year, Orlando threw off the gloves and had a bells-out Christmas parade that was just this side of Ross Dress For Less with a splash of Arena football. The parade was ho-ho-hosted by Grand Marshall Gloria Gaynor, and emceed by Alan Thicke...Alan Thicke!!! With special parade appearances by Larry King, several A.M. country recording artists and American Idol wannabes!!!
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Wow!

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Here's just a taste of what I saw. Please eat with a spork.

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Make way for the baby machine!
Can't you just feel the ratatat message of immaculate conception here? Nicely themed! Of course I have to say that. I was bribed into submission by the fact that in place of an actual baby to portray our Lord and Savior, there was a large bag of Jolly Ranchers in the stroller. Genius! Of course we were all thrown samples. Symbolic? Sure, but only if you got watermelon.

"I'm starting to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!"
Someone just doesn't have the holiday spirit. That's you Miss Magnolia! I see your flag sagging!

Just look at these fabulous parade give-a-ways!

Merry McChristmas!!!!
Aaaaah, this was the float that got my feet out of the gutter water and tap dancing with joy. A real honest to goodness celebrity! Seriously, you could hear the children's screams from 3 blocks away as soon as his McHummer turned the corner. Show 'em that democracy isn't dead...the kids want trans-fats for Christmas! The nuggets were by far and away the best treat handed out at the parade today. Here we see an action shot of Ronald lobbing one to a plump 6 year old with pigtails. I was enthused by Ronald's attempt at spicing up his megaphone with yuletide joy even though it does seem half-assed. I do believe that McDonaldland stylists wouldn't have let him be seen in public with something like this. Hmmm, probably an impostor.

I'm not sure if the antlers detract from the mini-mini's or if the unfinished game of connect-the-dots really goes with faux deer pelt.
"...and shuffle off to Buffalooo..."

Skinny Tiedol meets Skinny Tiedol Runner-Up's
Kevin Covais and Melissa McTrash from American Idol Season 5! Can you believe it?! Chicken Little right here in Orlando! This is a Skinny Tiedol dream come true. This parade couldn't get any better!!!! I would have tried to get a better picture for you all but I was gorging myself on a plate of fried pickles at this point and could barely get my lard-laden ass out of my seat in time to grab even this shot. I passed on the $15 ticket to go see him sing later on, I mean...come on. There are limits.

Fishnet stockings, patent leather boots and jazz hands!!!! I'm still trying to get over the fishnets but hey, celebrating our Lord's birth only comes once and year and this is Orlando.

Tyracize it!
Proof that Tyra Banks it is having an effect on today's youth. Particularly so because this little diva got to ride on her own float with silvery eye glitter whilst the rest of the Jr. Jezebels had to make it work walking behind her her sucking in the fumes of inadequacy.

Junior Predators
Today was a day for Predators. Mostly of the adult kind by the amount of all the single men with hands in their pockets, but there were these Junior ones as well. I've never seen anything like this before: 6 and 7 year old's shouting "Shake your money maker!" I wish I was joking.

If it wasn't just the best shade of green, I would have turned shot her owner on site.

Here comes the FANbulance!
Quick! Give me 50 CC's of indifference...Stat!

"The best use of lawn ornaments in a parade" award goes to....

...Santa!!!
Oh, and honey, making the sign of the cross won't protect you from him. And that's an "X" by the way.