Monday, December 15, 2008

Dear Santa: I am In Hell

Dear Santa,
I'm pissed off. Living in Florida is starting to make me feel all Grinch-like. True, the sunshine state lives up to it's moniker and provides us with a heaping helping of Vitamin D each and every blessed day, and also true that everything is pretty much raining palm trees and flamingo snatch. Now, I know that most people would give their last ounce of Metamucil to live in sunny Florida...but I am not most people.
"Ooooooooooh, it's too cold. Brrrrrrr, I hate having to put on a shawl! Gah! My peanut brittle is...brittle!"
Really? Let me tell you what I detest. I resent the fact that my Christmas will consist of 80 degree weather and pancake pits. A sunburn to guide your sleigh Santa? Yes, the weather forecast has us once again dreaming of a white Christmas. Unfortunately, the only white Christmas that we might achieve will resemble cocaine on some dead hookers rump. The analogy is of course that Florida is a den of sin...check into it!.
One of my fondest childhood memories involves peering out of my parents Oldsmobile on the way to Grandma's house on Christmas eve and seeing quaint little farmhouses in the distance. Blankets of snow glistened under illuminating allure coming from the soft yellow light of their living rooms. I would press my face to the car window as we pass by; my cheek would almost vibrate against the cold glass in contrast to the warmth that the people, cozy inside of their homes, must have felt.
There is a house across the street from me here in Orlando decorated to the hilt in honor of our dear Savior's birth (Jesus loves dancing lights!) but I once again press my face to the glass, dipping into that bit of nostalgia, I scorch my forehead as I am reminded that a Florida winter exists only in snow globes.


Gashapon said...

AMEN!! You're preaching my sermon! Bravo, Beta -- Bra to the mother f'n O!

Sometimes I turn my AC down real low and pretend it's chilly outside. :(

stephanie said...

"flamingo snatch"???

crit said...

steph, you needed a :S after that comment!

(my word verification was "gations"! love it!)

Beta Mike said...

Hey hey hey now! Editor reserves all rights to bump this blog up into NC-17 territory! :-)

Beta Mike said... are just brilliant. I should try that!

Darrin.. said...

I get it brother. I want.. with every fiber of my being.. to be in Florida within 2 and a half years. I was ripped from Sunny California in 1977, and relocated to Colorado in the dead of winter. I never took to the cold and DETESTED it in fact.

I've never been skiing, I hate sledding, shoveling snow, scraping frost from my windshield, and having to dress in layers for the 20 below zero weather which inevitably hits us for a few days in January.

That being said.. it DOES warm my heart when there's snow falling on xmas.

Your predicament is summed up in the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band song "Colorado Christmas". When I hear that song in December, it makes my heart melt, and for a little while, makes me grateful to be in Colorado for xmas.

However.. I still fantasize about stringing x-mas lights on a palm tree!!

Beta Mike said...

Oh Darrin, I know that you do. Grass is always greener on the other side I'm afraid. I've tasted the classic Norman Rockwell Christmas when I lived in the midwest, but Florida is a constant. It's constantly hot and green and technicolor (I realize that I'm not making a good case here).

My point is, that people who stare at the same four walls for their entire adult life will eventually go mad. I'd give anything to see leaves change, or for goodness sake at least the weather change!