American Idol Auditions Las Vegas - Jazz Hands!

Uh oh. We're in trouble kids. Ryan Secrets doesn't know where the hell he is! Rome, New York City, Paris, Egypt, he asks? For the love of God, Ryan is in so many places now-a-days that even he can't tell where he is! Turns out he is in Las Vegas! Or as I call it, Branson on steroids. One can only guess, how many Elvis impersonators will show up tonight. Who is "creative" enough to mock the original King of Pop on the King of all Pop shows?
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Before that question can be answered we get a visit from the king of Reggae. Fake Reggae. Okay, this guy is obviously from a local acting troupe vying for his 5 seconds of fame with an affected accent that my six year old niece could imitate better. "Hey mon! I'm on Idol mon! Jamaican any good music lately mon?" Bakersfield, California is apparently the new Kingston. That's where Alexia "Dylon" Lincheta is from anyway. This Buffalo Soldier has brought his creative arsenal to his audition complete with puffy paint t-shirt and fake dread lock wig/hat. Think of Jan Brady wearing her fright wig but less convincing. Dylon sings "American Idol The Reggae" which includes rhyming things like Randy and the ladies and Paula and her Mercedes. I am assuming that this guy was probably the last to go during the auditions but edited first so we would hope for the President's address to come early. Shockingly, it turns out Dylon is a no. Oh my God, he is crying! He actually feels like he blew it and that he should have been himself and not put on a stupid wig and accent. Ha! I rewind four or five times for effect. Someone kick this guy in the ass when he rolls back into Bakersfield! Irie!!
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Does anyone remember Bonnie May the psychic from Season 4? Purple. freakish. walks like she's pulling a plow. No? Yes? Well she is back and this time as the manager/vocal coach of her little sister Erica Davis. They are practicing outside of the studio doing the vocal warm up's in the style of "Me-me-me-me-me-meeeee." I imagine that no one really goes "me-me-me-meeee" anymore which makes it more funny. Erica asks how long she has to do this to which Bonnie answers "meh, whenever you feel like you're done." Hilarious! Erica turns out to be only slightly less freakish (and purple) than her big sister but a "no" is in the cards for her. Bonnie has predictions for the 2005 season but she will keep them to herself. I hope one of them is that Patrick Hall makes it into the top 24!!!
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Psychics, showgirls, belly dancers! Now here's what I was expecting in San Francisco! Mecca Madison, who looks a little like Left Eye Lopez, can sing as well as belly dance! She has a strand of hair curled in a perfect spiral on the side of her face. It is so well crafted, you could set the Golden Mean to it. Girl can really sing too! Simon feels that she has a better recording voice than a live voice so I am not sure what we are listening to on TV exactly because she sounds pretty good to me. I mean are we not hearing her live, or as close to it as possible? She is in and we will be seeing more of her and her hair dynamics in Hollywood. Ryan greets Mecca at the door in what had to have been recorded at least three or four times because it is spot-on staged.
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Meet Ryan Hart. Ryan is your typical Hot Topic kid and he is proud to announce that he is from right there in f@#!ing Las Vegas. I guess that is what growing up with slot machines, hookers, card sharks, craps, hooker sharks, and the like will do to a kid! Ryan is cool because he has that very in your face attitude that American Idol is looking for. Enough with that Mr. Nice Guy stuff that Clay Aiken embodied. We need to tear this mutha up and make it punk idol! Irie Oy!!! Paula doesn't like his cursing because "it's a family show." whaaaa? Ryan says that's okay because he isn't a family guy. He sings some guttural moose call but it is really fun and refreshing! Ha ha ha ha! Seriously, he has a great voice for alternative rock, I expect him to be front and center playing the churro stage at the Warped tour this year. I didn't think about it at first but looking at him a little more, he looks somewhat like Quentin Tarantino. The judges really don't think that this is the year to have a real rocker on the show so they reject him. Simon critiques Ryan a little and then Ryan tells Simon to shut up. It's funny 'cause it's true.
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Heather Ward works in a correctional ... um, ward and hates her job and wants to leave. It's not all the crazy convicts leering at her cute little booty, it's the food in the cafeteria. Heather is looking for her ticket out of Folsom and American Idol is just the reprieve she is waiting for. Poor Heather though, someone shredded this poor girl's doily dress. It is a very fine looking doily until you get to her waist and then it's a Tom Delay document. She is going to sing a song called "Redneck Woman" I poop you not. An African-American woman is about to sing a song called "Redneck Woman." Okay, I'm cool. You're young, black, beautiful, work amongst rapists and murderers, you're probably into country. Randy loves it, Paula thinks that it was too simple of a song but Simon loves his women a little country and....um, bootylicious. So she's in.
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You can call him Pepe or Jason Andino, take your pick. Jason, when he is Pepe, has the coolest job in the world. He tells corny jokes while piloting tourists in gondola on a fake river past fake props in a themed environment. How cool is that!! I would kill a Hot Topic kid to pilot a boat through an artificial world like that! sigh, someday... Jason is up for his shot at real stardom with American Idol tonight by signing "Stand By Me" for the judges. I am not sure why the judges don't take Jason seriously, he can sing pretty well and he didn't come in wearing his costume like most of the freaks during the audition rounds. I guess having Gondola Skipper on your resume isn't a good thing after all. hmmmmm, I just remembered I need to take care of something. I'll be right back. [mutters] "where did I put that resume?"
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Sin City is full of second chances. People trying their luck when they should really know better. The same goes for American Idol auditions. First we saw Bonnie May make a comeback and now it's the sequel you fear the most. The 40 Year Old Virgin Part 2 with J.C. Gray. J.C. was the guy last year that worked with knives and had the bulging eyeballs and teeth that looked like jagged bits of Corn Nuts. He now drives a bus and has a mullet (thanks for the scoop Ryan) but not much more talent. This is the one part of the show that starts getting old what with the constant recycling of "sure thing" bad auditions. Not sure if you know how the process works or not but before these people make it in front of Simon, Paula and Randy, they have to go through an initial screening process. Somehow these fools keep getting in. Now, I'm not saying that it's all ratings driven or gosh, that we like watching train wrecks (yesiam) but I'm thinking that Mrs. Hulk from last week wasn't so amazingly good in front of the first set of judges just to blow it in front of the Tribunal. So please let's not go through this next year. It's like waiting for that package of socks you just know you are going to get at Christmas. It kind of takes the novelty out of it. The contestants that is. Not the socks. the socks I just turn in to puppets when I am bored. Not the contestants. Hope I didn't ruin any of the Idol magic for you there.
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Anthony Andolino and his girlfriend have 75 animals in their small New Jersey apartment. During the lean months when money is tight, between 68 and 74. I am assuming that Anthony took a trip to Vegas to get up wind of his apartment for a while. He sings good enough to be in a chorale group or Color Me Badd or something but not American Idol. Sadly Anthony is sent back to Jersey without his yellow piece of paper. A tear falls, the rabbits hide.
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Up next is the Pierson twins. Maureen and Marnelli. They are, twins! They are also in an Asian girl band. Unfortunately they can only be heard if you go to their bedroom but I don't think papa Pierson allows a lot of people in there. they are cute and bubbly and coolest of all, they will be singing "Dreams" from the Cranberries. Personally, I thought they sung the hell outta that song, better than me anyway. But without much discussion the judges diss both of them. Which makes them cry in tandem. I hate it when Asian girl band members cry. It is so sad and just too emo, and they are not emo so it doesn't look right. The Tribunal is mean!
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Oh my goodness, what can I say about David Mandzak, except that his last name sounds like "man sack?" At first I thought that he was a Jim Carry impersonator, but he is not. He just has a life long curse of getting mistaken for Jim Carrey without really making an money off of it. You can just tell there is going to be trouble before he even sings a note because he has no personality whatsoever. When he does sing, he looks like he is pooping a brick. The handclap he throws in there is hot though. The big mystery here is, how do horizontal stripes look bad on a skinny guy? I don't know how it happened but it did! I don't get it!
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I could have done without the CSI parody but I do appreciate the encapsulation of all the bad singers with funny taglines such as: "Bouncing bad Czechs!" hilarious! and "Assault and Buttery" Offensive!!
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Las Vegas is very similar to Branson in a lot of ways. Just like in Branson, there is the patriotic number required for the end of every music show on the strip. Ours comes from non-U.S. citizen Haggai Yedidya. Yedidya see his shirt?! He has the worst piece of crap Americana shirt on that I have ever seen! It has either JFK or James Dean's face airbrushed on it against some sort of brown fog and an American flag that, if you looked closely, only has 47 stars on it. Haggai is crazy! In his pre-audition interview he comments on everyone's eyes. So many beautiful eyes. Ryan has beautiful eyes, the camera man has beautiful eyes, Paula has crazy eyes! He sings "I'm Proud To Be An American" which, please don't kill me, makes me want to near vomit every time I hear it. Not because I'm some sort of ex-Patriot but because that song is like a bad Hallmark card to the United States...it's played out!!! That and I worked in Branson for four years, it has had it's way with my cerebral cortex as much as I'm going to allow it. I was only recently able to stop making visits to my therapist. His version, makes me want to hunt Lee Greenwood down.
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Oh Good, a girl named Princess! I wonder where this is heading? Princess Brewer in her own words is "blunt and sassy." Anyone blunt and sassy would try to sing Whitney. The problem here is that she sings like she is yelling out the back door for her kids to come in! "Priiiiiiiince! Sharondaaaaaa! Get y'all selves back in here!" Girl may be blunt, but let me be too. Denied!!
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Next is the "I Will Survive" montage of everyone bad from Vegas being forced to sing Gloria Gaynor. Big surprise! It is 2006's new little feature I guess. Usually this is left to the end of the show so is it all over? Where's my Patrick Hall audition!!! Huh?! What's going on! They show lots of people that I wish could have gotten more air time during this montage. There is a half cowboy/half opera singer person-thing, a Michael Jackson impersonator that probably wasn't even trying to be, a guygirl who looks like the lead singer for Dead or Alive. You spin me right round baby right round! It's funny 'cause it's truuuuuue.
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Wow! Another montage! This one is a Hair montage! Yes, we know. There are lots and lots of bad do's in the world. Some worse than others. Some make it past this point and land in the Top 12! All of this leads us into the audition of Taylor Hicks. This is a guy going gray prematurely and might I add gracefully. He has the right attitude about it. He also suffers from blousey shirts and caterpillar eyebrows, but I'm not a hater. He sings pretty good with a rough Joe Cocker bluesy style. Probably my favorite voice of the season for the guys. Taylor is this year's Bo Bice. I'm thinking 70's night will be his for the taking, get ready for a little country roots rock! The funny part is that the judges don't want to like him because of his appearance but they kinda have to. Well, except for Simon. This is actually one guy who I kind of wanted them to make sing one more song. See you in Hollywood Hick! Oh, Hicks! Sorry.
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Wait!!! Just as they are showing all of the other Idol hopefuls that make it through to Hollywood, as they usually do at the end of the show, I see Patrick Hall coming out of the audition room with his little yellow piece of paper! Where's his audition?! What is this nonsense!!!!! Not the Idol debut that I thought he would have but listen to me people, Bonnie May and I have been a-talkin' and I know fo shizzle that my boy from Gravette makes it to Hollywood and quite possibly to the Top 24!!! If I am wrong, then I'll gladly resume my post as Gondola Skipper. Hey, even Kelly Clarkson didn't get audition time during the first season, right?

American Idol Auditions San Francisco - Not Just A San Francisco Treat!

"There's no secret where we are!" says Ryan Secrets tonight as he rides a cable car into our view to kick off tonight's American Idol auditions from San Francisco. But there are secrets Ryan because there you are, you're Ryan Secrets! The double entendre and double irony is thicker than San Francisco fog.
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3 seasons in a row for San Francisco. Can you believe it and do we really care? We should. This is where we found Latoya London and where William Hung got his 14.5 minutes of fame. Tell me you didn't get his CD for Christmas two years ago. Come on!
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Hidee Fairbanks from Hawaii likes to be known as Happy Hidee from Hawaii. Gee, that's swell! I love a place so pure and wholesome that kids in their early twenties can go around with names like Happy Hidee from Hawaii without getting beaten up. Well, she's pretty so I guess that helps. She decides to sing Verdi in her audition. If you don't know anything about Verdi all I can say is that it's Opera. It's good Opera I'm sure but it is still, Opera. Great for the next American Idol me thinks. Given the fact that the judges could care less about her warbling they ask her to sing another song to which she sings a Jessica Simpson song. Verdi. Jessica Simpson. I could say her taste in music is off the chart but I'd be meaning off the chart and in the rubbish bin. She says she has been compared to Jessica Simpson but she can't see it and doesn't like the comparison. I couldn't fathom why then she chooses to sing one of her songs. Although, when she sings she gets that blank stare on her face like one of those female robots in The Stepford Wives kinda like Jessica Simpson! Simon likes the first song, maybe because he masterminds the whole El Divo thing. Gag! But passes on her. It comes down to Randy. He says no. Hidee seems still happy and soon she will be back in Hawaii where she is just plain ol' Happy Hidee from Here.
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Sean Vazquez is the funny little black guy they were showing on the commercials all week. The one I couldn't tell was a guy or girl based on the clip. Pretty much Sean is the one we are going to focus on tonight as being the "clunker" because he trys so hard at being so bad. I really don't get what is going on tonight. First we have a regular singer with Hidee who sings Opera and how we have an Opera singer who wants to sing regular - or something. Sean reminds me on a chunky Ertha Kitt for some reason and I actually kind of like the gravely tone to his voice. Sean is sent back to his Opera lessons and I hope someday he will embrace the Cat Woman inside of himself.
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Up next is Jose "Sway" Penala. Nice voice, very good. Very very very very very very much like every single smooth singing guy that I have heard on here before. I'm really bored trying to write something about him because he really is just status quo. I kind of miss the ventriloquist dummies and purple leopard print lingerie. Is this NOT San Francisco?! I think they show him just because he was the first one to make it through tonight because otherwise he is booooring. I guess I'm right because they then show three or four other people who make it through without the luxury of knowing their name or vocal capability.
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Now that one has made it through to Hollywood, the Producers know that we are getting antsy for more Rhonetta Johnson-worthy contestants. After all, this is why we tune in during the first few weeks. We really don't care about seeing the true talent that will wind up in the top 24, so let's focus on the bottom of the barrel. Meet Matthew "Wolfie" Paulson. He thinks he sounds like Clay Aiken. Sigh.... Why does everyone have to have a nickname? Think about it! The Graphic department at American Idol must be running out of "Quotes!" In this case though I will let it ride because the explanation is worth it. In his own words, he is called Wolfie because "..he loves wolves and because his friends call him Wolfie because they know he loves wolves." Ooookay. This guy sounds nothing like Clay Aiken. I would be more accurate in saying that he sounds like Harold Ramis channeling Clay Aiken via your local Apple Store clerk. No Hollywood for you "Wolfie."
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Uniform alert!!! John Williams is fresh from the desert, God Bless him, but he fortunately left his dress blues at home. John has an interesting look about him. You can almost see his skull through his skin. I swear! He is like a darker version of Reverend Kane from Poltergeist II. What makes him cool is he sings from "Human Nature" from Thriller! YES!!! This album was like the bible to me growing up. A musical bible. With songs about zombies and pretty young things but a guiding light none-the-less. He has us going until B-B-B breaks it down into some bizarre Michael Jackson remix which just explodes out of his skeletor chest. John has a epidermis hugging silver shirt underneath his nice clean Billie Jean shirt and kind of undoes what was so nicely done. Randy doesn't dig the circus act but it's left up to him so he passes him on to Hollywood. I am glad because I think I can get behind this freak show real quick. He might be like our Scott Savol this season minus the sausage fingers.
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Katharine McPhee has come with her voice teacher/mother to the auditions. Very soulful singing "God Bless the Child." I'm thinking it's a little forced for a white girl. Simon thinks that she is "current" but then has to explain what being "current" is. I think she thought he said she is a "currant" but she isn't. She looks nothing like a raisin. I'm not sure how "current" she really is.
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In the break I hear this commercial for Colgate Total where this girl is talking about "pink in the sink." THE PINK IN THE SINK! I'm sorry but I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about but I don't want any of it! Also, with all these stars getting paid to lend their voices to crap I have a hard time trying to take Cover Girl's Lash Exact Mascara seriously without wanting to order a Twisted Crust pizza from Pizza Hut as Queen Latifa has her stank on both of these spots. She must be as cheap as they come when it boils down to celebrity voices. Well, except for Jason Alexander. Then again, I'm sure Pizza Hut wanted someone semi-relevant.
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Oh Lordy, have you met Shalicia Carlisle? She quit her job to become the next American Idol. That is a great plan! If you quit you're job it just makes you want it all the more and then there is nothing stopping you! You might not want to wear clothes three times too small for you or use Easter Egg dye on your eyes either. For one thing, Shalicia can't sing. What she can do, we don't want any of and that is beat poetry. She launches into some cheery poem about crack babies in the ghetto. Ummmm, I'm not sure about this but I don't think they have a night to showcase this kind of talent on American Idol just yet. Second thing, girl cannot stop picking at her weave whilst she sings. Oddly, it is a nervous tick that makes me want to do the same thing. Shalicia doesn't make it to Hollywood but what about her job outlook? Because he is such a nice guy, Simon actually gets her job back! The power of the Razr phone y'all!
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Shawna White. Sharing a frustration with you. Why everyone has to have a crazy name tonight? I'm typing this fancy jargon as the show goes along and I gotta stop in the middle and go back and try to figure out which way Shawna or Rhonetta or Cachet is going to spell their name. I may sound hypocritical but I kinda wish that everyone did have some nickname. It would make it a whole lot easier to identify the Sways and Wolfie's in the world. Shawna is only 16 but kind of has that Fiona Apple funky sound to her voice. I like it. The little back story tells us that she is from the farm and it shows. Mom has tight jeans and a big gold belt on and dad looks like Bo Bice in about 5 years. Oh, and Shawna has those ghetto white elastic bands around her pig tails. She makes it to Hollywood. There is a mini blow up at this point between Simon and Randy but I don't care because all night the Producers have been hinting at the fact that we are supposed to witness some sort of breakdown. I'll pass thank you.
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Marcus Phillips annoys the hell out of me. I don't like his shirt, his voice, his mouth (that's picky I know). He is an all terrain entertainer meaning that he is a self described singer, rapper, dancer, mime, Tiny Tim impersonator. Marcus's hair is really fancy. It is corn rolled into a labyrinth design. Marcus doesn't make it because he annoys the hell out of me. I wished it so. He says that's okay because well see him later. Okay, when are they going to air this episode?! I have heard this from at least 15 people so far this season!
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Fun and fruity Jayne Santayana bounds into the room with her yellow piece of paper before she auditions. Not really. I think she was a Power Ranger at one time. She has that made for Bandai look and wears bright colors really well. If I was being overly critical, I would say that I think has a little professional polish on her. Has been in the biz a little while. I dunno. But what is really bizarre is that Simon doesn't like her but Randy and Paula do. This wouldn't be an unusual situation except that it is pretty clear that the girl was good. There is more back and forth between Simon, Paula and Randy. Ryan Secrets voice overs how there is some serious blow ups ahead and to prove this, the Producers insert a montage of various examples of push coming to shove during the San Francisco auditions.
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Aaaaaaand here's the blow up that we've been promised. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Oh God. Will they ever finish the season. The music is all creepy. Help me. I'm-a scar-ed. You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille. Who let the dogs out. On and on and on. Honestly, I could do without all the drama. I just think it is so sad that North Carolina was a more entertaining show than San Francisco.
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After all the trouble the Producers went through to get us worked up, we get sent to a commercial to calm down. The commercial playing however has an alarm clock sound in it. I HATE this!!! I think they should outlaw this kind of psychological torture. Stop adding the alarm clock sound! There is an advertisement for Nanny Mcfee which bugs me because it touts itself as the next Mary Poppins. It is NOT the next Mary Poppins. Please fight the temptation to think of it as such. I don't think an instant classic like Mary Poppins would use a Sting song and still try to convey itself as a period piece.
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Either the commercial for Nanny McPhee is still playing or we are back and someone got ready for their audition this morning in the dark...and with no electricity! It turns out it's Deborah Dawn Tilley. She's a 27 year old going on 50 really really fast. She's really not fooling anyone. It's actually Molly Shannon doing another one of her crazy skits! Not a bad job singing although the judges do their best to find excuses not to send her on because they don't want her breaking a hip on stage or anything. Paula actually says yes but I think it was actually a Coke burp that sounded very much like a yes. Another heated blow up between the judges over what I can't really tell you it's all so insignificant and Simon storms out of the room and actually leaves the building. This is the official blow up that we saw on the commercials. Hope you liked it! Oddly, Ryan wasn't anywhere near the room when this happened but he gives us a complete run down on exactly what happened. Damn, he's good! So Paula and Randy are left to finish the auditions.
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Our last audition is Manuel Viramontes. We spend about five minutes going over some really convoluted story about his favorite Saint and how that somehow ties in with his mother wanting kids. Maybe something about peace in the middle east, I don't know. Then before he sings he says some prayer in Latin and kisses his Saint necklace. It is all just too much for me. I officially don't care about any special interest stories from this point forward unless they deal with puppies or tracheotomies or people who use the phrase "my baby's daddy" in there somewhere. It just seems that everyone has something going for them other than their voice. To which I must add that, for all his elaborate wind up, Manuel's pitch was a foul. Like that baseball reference huh? Just trying out the sports lingo for a bit. What with Simon gone, our friend Mario just keeps going. Paula and Randy are at the point where they might need security before he actually stops singing and gets the hint. It is funny too because I think he thought he was going to do one of those "move towards the table and seduce Paula" things because he starts walking with arms all stretched out toward her. Denied!!! Err..."Yer out!" yeah, that's it. Gotta remember to keep in theme here.
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Well, that's it, 18 people make it to Hollywood from the City by the Bay. Next week we'll be taking a gamble on there being good talent in Las Vegas. I wanted to use that line before Ryan Secrets gets to use it next week! Ha!

American Idol Auditions North Carolina - Shirley, Goodness and Mercy!

I'm teetering with excitement y'all as American Idol hits the south in North Carolina! Wha?! You say? Greensboro, North Carolina you say?! Yeah, me too but this is the place that brought us Clay Aiken and Fantasia Barino so the thought process must be that there's a-sumthin in the water 'round these parts!
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The media junket/fly-over informs us that Greensboro is a small town. Ummm, if you all want to throw down, my home town actually just got rid of their stop light. Their one stop light. Now you tell me, what does a small town make? Funny thing is, if this all holds true to form my boy Patrick Hall may bring the Idol crazy train to NWA next year (that's Northwest Arkansas for the who's at home). You never know, they say that ambition is 2/3 of success. Actually nobody said that, I just had writer's block and made it up. Anyway, whatever. If you tuned in tonight and found the audition city to be a little less flashy than Hawaii or, dare I say...Orlando, you are probably not alone. But let's go ahead and enjoy the southern stylings of our vinegar-based BBQ loving friends in North Carolina. I can imagine that this will be the only year we audition here. I could be wrong.
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Up first is North Carolinian Sabrina "the teenage witch" Oakley. I can't remember if I added the "teenage witch" thing or if she wrote it down for the Producers. Hmmm. Anyway, she proudly touts that she is used to winning karaoke contests...hoooo yeah, I can't imagine that not becoming an issue in Hollywood. Sabrina is unable to conjur up some light hearted teenage angst magic to get her out of this bidness. If this girl is winning any karaoke contests, she's doing it while assisting deaf club! She is all mouth and hip action which probably looks really good to those without the ability to hear. Simon barbs that she is more Jerry Springer than American Idol. A girl with this much shoulder action going on is bound to have a comeback to a statement like that. I swear she says "I don't take my clothes off and show my spread!" I'm only as good as my DVR but I swear that is what I heard!
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Okay, this time around in North Carolina, they have set up the waiting room right outside the doors to the audition space. Goooood decision American Idol. The hilarity ensues when Sabrina the Teenage Karaoke Machine stomps out and explodes becoming a hot mess in front of thousands of shocked country folk. And from here the talent just oozes forth.
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Cachet Robinson (also from North Carolina) is a self proclaimed shower singer. Just hearing her makes me go into a lather. Ooooooh, gotta rinse that grease right outta my hair. Simon makes a very canned joke about Cachet buying a sound proof shower curtain. Randy loves her name. I looked it up and it means "An edible wafer capsule used for enclosing an unpleasant-tasting drug." Nice.
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Kellie Pickler...also from North Carolina is a waitress "where she has to do the roller skates." Sigh...It's called a Sonic honey!!! It's an honor and part of your heritage in the south! She is sweet and lives with her grandpa who is also sweet and loves sandwiches. He especially loves it when she goes into the kitchen to make him a sandwich, specifically. She tells us of the horrible horrible upbringing she has had with her drugged out dead beat dad and mother who didn't want her. It makes me sad. Of course we know she is going to do well because the camera crew has come to Albemarle, North Carolina to film her. I'm getting good at this! Also, during the audition I notice Kellie has used a Bedazzler! I love me some Bedazzled jeans! She auditions with Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and does an amazing job. It's like a Cherry Slush on a hot North Carolina day...with a chili dog maybe. She's going to Hollywood. Not because she has a Little Orphan Annie story (although the Producers LOVE it!), or has a last name like Pickler, or works at Sonic, or maybe just a little because of the latter but also because she sings real purtty.
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Hey! It's Kevin Federline!!! Snap! It's really just some icky slick guy in a rented tux with Kevin Federline facial scratch. And it's our first non-North Carolina audition tonight. Shawn De Salazar from (sigh) Florida shows up to audition with his little brother (who has a mullet), his mom and a giant sign made which looks like it belonged at the back of a science fair volcano. There is a little something disturbing about the entire group. Oh, he brings the giant gimmick board into the audition and we finally get a good look at it. Written really big in the middle amongst many Wal-Mart 3X5 glossy prints, which are I'm sure taken only days earlier, is the sentence "We told my school that I had a family emergency, I'm probably in BIG trouble." Umm, where's the "hyuk!" at the end of that sentence? I feel it deserves a big old guffah or hyuk! I'm certainly laughing. And this is all before he even sings. By the way, the other gimmick is that he's a crooner. We need LOTS of them! You are probably shocked to know that Shawn does not progress to the next round. Not because he has seen the past 4 seasons of American Idol to know that you don't go anywhere on this show by practicing the near-dead art of "crooning" but because of that damn sign! I can feel a little bit of sadness for Shawn because that sign and the tux and everything had his mom's name all over it. I've seen the type. I bet the whole idea was hers! Hey mom, school just called. About that family emergency.....yeah. You had to see the little brother though, I'm not really sure who "got" the whole Idol experience that day but my money is on the mullet kid.
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You know what everyone loves? A ventriloquist!!!!!! You asked for one and you got one! North Carolina has the gimmicks going on tonight. Richard Garland from right there in North Carolina travels with his pal Scottie the dummy and before you ask, yes he takes it into the audition with him. I don't know why actually as he only pulls out the puppet for like 20 seconds. See, some people use a gimmick and stick with it for the whole ride like say wearing a rented tux and making up some retarded essay complete with photos but not Richard. Richard knows just when to turn the gimmick off...as soon as he makes it past the screening committee. For all the gimmicking, Richard can't make it past the judges and so our hopes of seeing Scottie the dummy in those product placement fake commercials this season are utterly dashed.
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Okay people can I just tell you that I hesitate greatly before I write a lot about little Ronda Jones. Our friend Ronda is just a little different than most people. She is kind of bird like and yet just a hint of Cousin Oliver. They take amazing footage of her getting out of her mini van slamming the passenger door like "watch out other bird like ladies!" Oh, she is from (shock) North Carolina as if any auditioner is from anywhere else tonight. Let's not make fun of her but she is absolutely comical! She wears this great hot pink felt cowboy hat that has charms on it and has Coke bottle glasses and a voice squeaky enough to match her mousy demeanor. She is not really short on self confidence or the ability to milk the sympathy vote as she self proclaims that she is sweet, cute and adoooorable, and that she would throw in a bag of gummi bears! The writing was on the wall for me the moment she rocked the mini van but I think the judges missed a well positioned opportunity when they didn't even give her the "You'd make a good cartoon voice" speech. Denied!!! But I'd be taking her up on the Gummi Bears.
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You know what doesn't get you a trip to Hollywood automatically? Being in a uniform. It's already been proven. But Steven David Jr. hasn't seen the nasty cop from West Virginia yet as this was filmed way back in October or something. Steven reminds me a little of Vin Diesel but more annoying if that is at ALL possible. Actually, it's not really possible so I take that back. But the uniform does give him the slight edge. That and the fact that this dude can actually sing despite the hokey uniform gimmick. Like suspenders at a county fair, Paula is all over the place when this guy sings. Randy and Simon wheel her out from behind the desk leaving her to melt into a pool of foundation and autumn tones at his feet. Okay I have to say, I have been schooled. The uniform worked and the voice helped too I guess. Clearly this guy is going to Hollywood but first he has to detach Paula from his waist. His wife is greeted with an image I am sure she is all too familiar with, some strange woman clinging to her overly charismatic husband. God bless our troops and Steven David Jr. I suddenly imagine shades of Joshua Gracin but please Lord, don't make it so.
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Halicia Thompson is from (!) North Carolina!! Bounding into the room I would describe her as cheerful and peppy or, in her own words, "I'm a very very people person." Ugh. Halicia has chosen to sing the theme song to "A Different World" Props!!!! Shout out to Dwayne Wayne!!! Simon thinks she is a natural and agrees she is a very very people person. Simon is also very very into Halicia. I'm not talking like mildly interested but come here and kiss me interested. Which he does. Which she gladly does as well. There are some serious undertones going on here. Subplot! This is something to watch out for folksies! Oh, she's in.
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Donny Meacham from Georgia (thank God) has never let his mom hear him sing. Odd don't you think. He will be singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" for us which is appropriate as it was made famous again by North Carolinian Clay Aiken a few seasons ago. Donny I don't think has ever heard himself sing to be honest. The dear is clearly nervous, holding his hands close to his chest like he is clutching his school books. Paula gives him the "How do you think it went" riff, which is never a good thing. He is very precious and is just twisting in awkward pain while pulling both of his hands up to his mouth as if to bite his nails like some "B" horror movie scream queen. Ooooh, I feel bad for him. Poor Donny is doomed to keep his mom in the dark about a lot of things I think. Singing is the least of them.
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Kendra Winston is next and she is also from North carolina.. I know that this is shocking for you. Kendra is a real success story as she has been in eleven foster homes growing up before becoming emancipated and starting a new life for herself. She has three kids of her own and works very hard to make a better life for them. She says that you don't know what a rough life you've had until there is no drama in it. I like that. Then she tells Ryan Secrets that he is hot. She lost some cool points there. Not even singing the theme song to "Sister Sister" can win those back at this point. What does win her some cool points is making "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" not sound cheesy when she belts it out. Simon really really likes her too. Hmmm. It is really nice to see her make it to Hollywood. Her family is excited for her and her kids are so proud. Kendra lets it all soak in for a second before turning to her cute little children as she holds her yellow piece of paper and says "You know this means I'm leaving you!" Ha!!! I love a girl with a sense of humor!
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Next up is a guy named Chase who looks just like Rosie O'Donnell, but unlike Rosie, he isn't into drag. He actually has a brilliant voice and except for the Rosie thing, makes a great case for being moved on to Hollywood. Then all of a sudden the conversation breaks down into some girl chat between Simon, Randy, Paula and him about the do's and dont's of matching your blouse and shoes, which I might add Chase thinks Paula's shoes are fabulous!! What just happened?! Good news in the end, Chase makes it to La-La Land and makes a shoe buddy out of the whole ordeal.
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Hey kidlets, guess what's hot this year! Purple leopard print with fringe! Chonna Clepper from Texas lets it all hang out tonight in her flashy nightie complete with sheer cape! Chonna got her taste in wardrobe (and I'm guessing name) from her mom who is a stripper. Her words, not mine. She does a fair job singing but it isn't good enough to send her out west. All in all, I think she is robbed of a well deserved opportunity to let her stuff hang out in LA seeing as how they let that jumping guy with no shoes in. Anyway, she takes rejection well and glides out of the audition room leaving a trail of fringe behind her.
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Everyone say howdy to Jeffrey "Ryan" Baysden of North Carolina. Is Ryan is his middle name? If not then why is it in quotes and how does he get Ryan out of a nickname? Did someone one day say "Hey Ryan! Oh, my bad Jeff dawg, I thought you were Ryan..." and then everyone just thought it was funny and it stuck? Anyway, he sings country as well as he talks country and it's good enough to make it to L.A. but let's see him on disco night.
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Next we are gonna name drop if you don't mind. You see, Cedric Robinson is a cousin to that Fantasia Barino girl. It's good enough to command an audience with the judges but I am not sure that wins you any points in actuality. After he sings "Chain of Fools" it is clear that Diana DeGarmo has more reason to be pissed off.
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We are next introduced to Ann Nesby who Randy is just gushing over as she was part of the famous Sounds of Blackness group. Ann Nesby isn't coming in for an audition today but she is escorting her lovely granddaughter Paris Bennett. Oooh, a name drop and butt kiss all in one fail swoop. Normally I would be put off by stuff like this but (let me step out of my patois for a moment) "Daayum!" That girl can sing! Paula is so enamored that she asks Paris if she could "Bless us" with another song. Seriously, Paula asked if Paris would bless them with another song. So the second song is some amazing free form jazz dittie that just blows the Dixie Chicks song that she first sings away. There is enough love in the air to revive six dead hippies and at one point the noise level of the chitter chatter became distracting enough to give me hives. Grandma being famous once herself, hogs the camera after Paris leaves the room. What I didn't get was the fact that Paris was sobbing like this had been the only thing she ever wanted to do in life, which is probably true for most people, but being raised in a musical household I just can't imagine this is where she pictured the train stopping.
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Day 2 of American Idol North Carolina and it's Simon's birthday. I expected hard liquor and botox but instead...a cake.
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Marcus Behling is first and he is from Georgia. He loves Orange. He sings a Michael Jackson song in a way that makes you psychologically wish you had an external air tank hooked up to you. Holding long notes is one thing but peppering them after every word and holding them for two minutes is pointless. When asked if he has taken vocal lessons he admits he's watched the Paula and Randy DVD. I didn't know such a thing existed but after he mentions this, Simon uses it as an opportunity to clarify why Marcus is a failure. All the confusion leaves poor Marcus wondering what happened when the judges break down to inner joking about the horribleness of their Idol tie-in products like autobiographies and DVD's. They almost forget that Marcus is still in the room. Except that he is wearing shock orange and can hardly be missed.
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Lord, what can I say about Sammy Neighbors. He is our second Rosie O'Donnell impersonator of the evening and for his big debut he is going to sing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. Actually, he calls it "I Can Show You The World" which I am sure you know is not the correct title but the first line of the song and is usually about the only thing most people can seem to muster before giving up. Coincidence? I think not. North Carolina has produced some of the most entertaining people I have ever seen! This state is fabulous!!! I would say Sammy's performance was slightly cabaret with a touch Vauldeville. It was a sweet rendition of "A Whole New World" except that it got remixed halfway through with "Straight Up." This little Rosie won't be going to market.
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Another out of stater comes in the form of Tyra Juliette Schwartz. She is from New York City and she took the train to get here. Who takes a train these days?! To an American Idol audition!!!! She has a good voice and I notice she has Pocahontas hair, braided off to one side. Simon thinks that she might not be star material but could brush up pretty nicely. She takes this as an opportunity to let them know that the difference between her and a lot of the contestants if the work ethic involved in making through the competition. She says that she doesn't just deserve going to Hollywood just because it took a lot to get there. She is not patting herself on the back for waiting in line for the auditions. Good for her. Now I want to hear her complain about the 11 hour train ride! That's devotion!!!!
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Then there was some horrible Michael Jackson impersonator. Errr, not saying that he put on makeup and wig and such but he just really really focused his energies in a very wrong way in adoration of the King of Pop. He did not make it to Hollywood.
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Jordan Southerland comes up next from some place called Beulaville,North Carolina. Beula!!! Beula I tell you!! His dad is a firefighter so I am guessing that is why he comes into the audition dressed as one. I don't really get the whole thing. Anyway, he sings Josh Grobin because Simon loves Josh Grobin. Sigh. Give me mediocrity!!! Okay kids, my suggestion is this: Please lump all of the Josh Grobin "opera-light" and crooner people in the same pre-determined room in Hollywood that is going to get axed ahead of time and spare us the turmoil. Please!!!
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Finally, Rhonetta Johnson from North Carolina. Sister has got to be the BEST fake contestant ever!!! Get this: African American girl in a blonde wig, silver glitter go-go boots, micro mini skirt and tube top. Not expressing the novelty of it all clearly? Okay, I'm hearing you. Rhonetta is also bigger than the average micro mini skirt wearer and is rolling with a little extra real estate just below the tube top. Oh, and if I am not mistaken, she has an "outie" and it's pierced. Rhonetta is taking the hotel lobby by storm y'all!! She gets her freak on in front of the cameras by prancing up and down the aisles dropping "F" bombs and practically doing cartwheels. By the way, great use of the Ameican Idol logo to cover her hoo hoo when she kicked her leg up in the air. She actually flashed her hoo hoo!!! Of course she says she dresses this nice all the time. Mmmmm'kay?! You know, this whole commentary writes itself from this point on. When she walks into the audition, she uses the little linoleum square like its her favorite street corner and at one point, I swear she picks her seat before launching into her second song! There is so much wrong with them putting this on the air that I can't begin to encapsulate all of the nuances. During the audition, Paula asks Rhonetta if she would like some water and offers her a drink from her very own personal Coke cup. It's bubbly water! At the time Rhonetta does one of these "waves" off to Paula and continues the train wreck but afterwards once the inevitable rejection comes from the judges, Rhonetta hilariously talks about the skank quality of Paula's drinking cup, Paula can just bow down . The departing shot shows Rhonetta in her natural environment on the streets of Greensboro as some car passes by really slowly checking out her next big thang!
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So after two hours, only 9 people only make it to Hollywood from North Carolina, a great majority of them being from North carolina!!! Now hows that for

Passing It With Style

Life on Television is not without its attractive hazards but it's rarely worth thinking of as a parallel to our own lives or a life worth living. Thigh Masters don't do anything but make the user appear to be a one person off-Broadway sex act, The As Seen On TV Eggwave leaves you with nothing but egg waste and regret and the Personal Touch hair trimmer...well, there's a reason there isn't one in every household in America yet.

But I can't help but become fascinated with the deliberateness of all the glad handing that goes on in a typical afternoon while watching the tube. Bayer, Motrin, Aleve, Monistat 7, Eggo's! They are all passed from one significant "other" to the next by way of prissy two and three fingered...fingering. I guess that butter just wouldn't be as good if they just threw the crap on the table and let it sing for itself. Heavy, fattening and yellow just jiggling under its own weight. Instead it has to be given that right amount of respect and hand patting on TV with hands carefully rotating the name brand logo just so before giving it to the next party.

Just imagine what life would be like if we all were so careful in passing objects to each other. I mean, if we weren't even thinking of making an effort and that's just the way it was. Think about getting stabbed or mugged! The eloquence of it all as the knife is taken out of your assailants pants pocket and carefully thumbed until the proper positioning is made. Marvel at the shiny blade as it comes toward you with such grace!

I know some twit spent years training and developing hand models to help sell the wonders of modern science in a box, but if only the tradition would evolve to include more utilitarian things such as meat, jelly and pudding! I would like imagining that quite a lot!

American Idol Auditions Denver - Mile High Secrets

We open the show tonight greeted by some leathery 46 year old man. Oh. it's only Ryan Secrets. Hiya Ryan, didn't recognize you without the Kabuki makeup. The search continues for America's best vocalists in Denver Colorado, the "Mile High City" and the birthplace of the cheeseburger, golden nuggets, omelets with ham and pepper and surprisingly not the birthplace of John Denver. That would be just too convenient I guess! At the Denver Convention Center, we are treated to a chorus of "Aint No Mountain High Enough" by like 2 billion people. I was waiting for an appearance from Sister Mary Clarence, but no. ...No, wait! ..... no.

We are informed that Denver is called the "mile high city" because it is a mile above sea level. It is really important to know this because the life raft drill happened before we tuned in and trust me, a mile is a looong way down so it's good to know where your escape routes are. If the mile high club is a club that people can join while in airplane bathrooms, then I wonder if there is a way to cheat since you are already in the mile high city and just go when you are in one of the tall buildings downtown?

Tonight's lucky "first up" is the divine Mr. Marlows Davis, Jr. Miss thing is fierce and tells Usher and the like to "Step aside because Marlows is in town. Mmm hmmm." He adds the mmm hmmm by the way, not me. Poor Marlows is nothing but hand gestures and face caresses, no vocal talent whatsoever. When the judges poo-poo his debut, Marlows makes the most endearing Oh.. oh.. oh.. oh dear face complete with the nibbling on his fingers. I wish I could do it for you right now but I'm not here to make fun, just observe. Marlows is the type that thinks if you just say please a lot the judges will change their mind. Or you can say something ridiculous like how far you came and then blurt you are from right there in Denver. I just noticed that Paula is wearing what appears to be some sort of left over Christmas wrapping.

Next is nice girl Lisa Tucker from Anaheim Ca. singing Whitney Houston's "One Moment in Time." She is a small package and a very young 16 years old but confident and she has won some impressive awards to boot! I think she was one of Variety's young people to watch or something. I don't know, my subscription ran out. She approaches the song like a finely buttered cake pan, it slide out nice and smooth. The judges are impressed, she moves through to the next round.

Amanda Berg inspires to be (I quote) "A Whitney Houston." Thank God she wants to be A Whitney Houston and not THE Whitney Houston. Or maybe she does. My question is, which Whitney Houston? Bodyguard Whitney or Being Bobby Brown Whitney? Or maybe Whitney just before she went to her first New Edition concert? Either way, Whitney on her worst day sounds a lot better than Amanda did here. I believe that the children are our future, teach them well and show them how to abuse a fair amount of celebriteeism with crack and bad hair dids and they may turn out alright!

If you have spent the good part of a year trying to fill the void left by Constantine Maroulisssss with potted meats and Danielle Steele novels, then it's almost time to step away from your eHarmony profile because here comes Ace Young. - Oh, excuse me, it's Brett "Ace" Young with his cool knit cap, which if removed, reveals a shock of long deliciously unkempt greasy hair. He's from L.A. and I can already hear the ladies swooning. A little mouse tells me that he already has a web domain set up so chances are those fans will have no fear seeing this guy on stage soon. He's got a falsetto. Maybe a little breathy. Simon is hesitant but Paula was juicin' so he goes forward. In what must sound like an empty calorie prize, they congratulate him that he's going to Hollywood. Congratulations...you're...going...back...home? to Hollywood. It's like 15 minutes away. yeah! I'll make sure I leave myself enough time to get there. Thanks guys!

Up With People are on hand to cheer on Rocyelle Dye. It's really her family (maybe) each one wearing a shirt with a letter on it that spell out something like "You Go Rocyelle honey, make us proud. Do good in there, sing your heart out." I don't know, there's a lot of them. She goes for the special interest motif and tells us that she needs the money because she is about to be evicted. But everyone was able to make t-shirts and fly out to Denver to send her off. I'm thinking maybe help pick up the light bill instead? She looks a little like the Pepa half of Salt and Pepa. Which is to say my favorite half of the two. I wonder why we don't refer to pepper as pepa? It has more kick! Hand me the pepa dammit! Luckily she did a good job and got a better responses from the judges than ACE did. Of course Ryan is outside the room announcing to the Up With People...people in front of the camera "Did Rochelle make it?!" Ryan, you are an ass! This a whole tour bus of people with no money!!! What if she didn't make it to the next round? I wish they'd film Rocyelle's grandparents with their "R" and "Y" shirts from the name spelling thing kicking Ryan's butt if he was wrong! But Ryan gets to keep his highlights on his head because of course, she is in.

During the break there is a commercial for Prunelax. Hey! You can eat it right out of the jar like you do with Mayonnaise! If you don't know anything about marketing to target audiences or specialty marketing during prime time, let me educate you. Actually I don't have the time or space here but suffice it to say, the target audience for American Idol might be a little older .... or less regular than I thought! I wonder what the eat to poop ratio is on this stuff?

Denver shows out the rockers, they are here by the droves. We are seeing that are becoming more and more prevalent on the Idol auditions nowadays because. Because? Because? Umm, I guess because one almost became Idol last year? This is exactly the place that you want to establish yourself if you want to be taken seriously as a rocker. People, this is one step better than Star Search and minutely two steps better than being a kid on Kids Incorporated. At least that might get you somewhere! It certainly worked for Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. I just don't get it y'all but anyway here we go again: Meet Chris Daughtry from McLeansville, NC. He's the one you saw on all the commercials with the bald head and goatee yelping "Oh the lonely days are gone." He's 25 years old. He's got two kids, 5 and 7 (wow) and an emotionally unstable Lhasa Apso for a wife. She's all distraught because he's so good and wants to like, leave and follow his dream . Ummm, yeah there's a slight to huge chance he's going to leave you if he gets famous. Sorry to tell ya. He's a rocker ya big ball of whaaa! Shockingly as if we weren't expecting it, he sings Joe Cocker's "The Letter" and we recognize of course the part we've seen on the commercial a million gazillion times. He's really pretty good although he looks a bit like a chimpanzee when he sings. A chimpanzee that's been staring into a microwave too much. Simon thinks he has no charisma but Randy and Paula think he's pretty good and send him on through. MUCH to the dismay of his wife who is outside the door drowning in a pool of tears and Miss Clairol 106A.

There is a commercial for Friday's 3 course menu for $12.99. I wasn't sure if this is three entrees or just off the appetizer menu. It looked like they were just having the usual bar stuff like ribs and wings but if so, they ordered a lot of it, like enough for 9 courses. I guess it does the trick because there were Mazda loads of women up in their booth. Still, how many poppers can one guy order? Enough!

When we come back Erik Mena is ready to stare us down. Remember the bat baby from the Enquirer? That's Erik, or the bat baby is him. I don't know. Incredible similarity though. Now you know that there isn't anything truly amazing about either one. Erik is of some native descent and in a move that ponders me, AI plays some sort of Native American stand off music from a spaghetti western. It's the woo-eee-ooo-eee-ooo tune you've heard over and over again. Very fitting as Erik stares down the judges after they tell him he isn't moving on to Hollywood but I have to imagine they weren't thinking very clearly when they picked this piece of music. Well, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad except for...the next thing we hear is Ryan Secrets voice-over saying that in a situation like this, you need a cowboy. Whooooo! Zing! Are you serious?!

Cue the teeny tiny Garet Johnson from Veteran Wyoming dressed like little Jimmy Dickens complete with cowboy hat minus his magic lasso. He is raised on a farm and the only time he's ever really sings is when he sings for his turkey. I smell a Carrie Underwood underdog story coming on!!! Garet can hardly muster the courage to speak in front of such a glittery Paula Abdul (he's heard stories!) but with a little prodding, he starts to sing. It was either an impressive job of dubbing or this little 12 year old has some pipes on him! Paula thinks he is just not ready for the competition yet (read: too tender eatin' for her) but Randy and Simon put him through to the next round. This boy is reeeeeeeally going to be in for a shock in LA. Part of the magical journey for Garet is the plane ride. When asked if he's ever been on a plane he says no but it has been a dream of his. A Dreeeeam!... oh, that and American Idol I guess. Like a little jumping bean he bounds out of the room and pirouettes into his family's arms. I think he might be a wee bit cowgirl too.

Here's two people you won't have to remember after tonight but will probably have a hard time forgetting. Nick McCord who goes by the name "Flawless" and Ben Hausbach. Flawless is from Athens, Georgia and is dressed in an early prototype for McDonald's Mogadishu. He says (I quote) "I wear these suits so I chose a name which is appropriate thereforth it is flawless...because it came from my mind." Ugh, So horrible. He's an "entretapaneur." (his words) Basically, he cleans houses. Right in front of us he makes up a sloga for his business. What he says is, You'll come home to your home smelling and looking like paradise. He ends by adding a "yeah, that's it." I think you'd come home and find yourself about a few hundred bucks lighter and smelling like a bong exploded. This man wears pajamas people! Why isn't this guy in Florida already? Sigh, I guess it's only time. Ben Hausbach is from Florida and is also an "entrepretunuer." He designs drink coasters! Seeing the two of them meet is kind of like watching two cancer cells multiply, there is a fascination to it but you know it can't lead up to anything very good at all. "What kind of Entrepteneur are you?" says a genuinely interested Ben to Flawless. There are several kinds I'm sure. Flawless has to think for a minute but then gives us yet another made up Paradise Cleaning slogan. Both of these guys are making their lives up as they go along. I wish I was like them! In case you were wondering, both their auditions bomb. Ben actually has the casters to sing (I kid you not) "If I Only Had A Brain" the irony is thick. They both leave trying to figure out how to quit each other.

All night, the producers have been eluding to the fact that there was going to be this very riveting audition. It turns out that it is Zachary Travis from Denver, Colorado. Zachary is a tall, thin, blonde, ummm.....Zachary is let's face it, as transgendered as they come. And really, a pretty confident kid who can't imagine why people confuse him for a girl. I'm not sure really but it could be the shoulder length hair and pink eye shadow but then again, I too have bought scoop neck t-shirts just because the logo on the front was too cute to pass up. I just. never. wore them. is all. Zachary sings Whitney Houston's "Queen of the Night" [giggle]. Don't trip on the underlying message! His mom and grandma are there to support Zachary who they think will take it in stride if he doesn't make it. After all, they aren't sure if the judges will think he is too eccentric! Ha! His mom looks like shes been eating about 1000 powdered donuts. She has that 60's white lipstick on. Turns out that Zachary doesn't make it to Hollywood at least not with this competition but L.A. has lots of fun things for a kid like Zach to do. He is a little disappointed though, I think he might go knock over a 7-11 or play football or something.

So that's it for tonight from the Mile High City where they only apparently had 1 hour of talent to show us. Pooh! Next is North Carolina! I mean seriously, was Orlando so bad last year that we have to sit through North Carolina tomorrow night? See ya kiddos!

American Idol Auditions Chicago: Deep Dish Secrets

I realized early on tonight that writing a recap on these, the first several American Idol Audition shows, is like trying to wrestle a bag of soggy weasels. Make that krumping ninja weasels wearing hoop earrings! Things on this end of the season are hastily edited, out of sequence, names are numerous and forgettable and I can't comment on the judges clothes because they change so many times through the process due to all the launched Cokes and marathon slumping they do over their score cards. It's really the early shows that try to suck in every other living soul that still hasn't heard of American Idol. Like your granny. So I gave up (sort of) on trying to make this a recap. Instead, it is more like an observance of things as I saw them, as they happened. Kind of as if I was in the room with you going "No she did-unnnh!"

So let's pray that the auditions go quickly and we can move on to the lights, drama, action of Hollywood real soon! If you didn't watch the show last night, you might now want to follow along, or maybe you do. It reads like a David Lynch screenplay if you didn't.

Tonight started out like every season for me, full of energy and excitement! Ryan Secrets looks like a penguin from a Muppet Movie tonight. He has a black velvet jacket over (shock!) ironic tee and jeans. How does this man stay ahead of the fashion curve while living in Los Angeles? It has to be his, what, eighth job?! Also, what I mistake at first to be a big red bowtie turns out to be his overly spray-tanned neck. Oopsie!
He is standing on a dark stage of what I can only assume is this year's Idol's stage, or at least we are led to believe this because why else would he be there? Ryan mentions something about how while most Americans are doing things like "fixing cars, waiting tables, selling real estate..." Wha?! we the viewers can like, move beyond all that and help make a dream come true for one lucky mechanic, waitress or agent, I guess. Right at that moment, some tech nearby turns on the house lights and the big reveal of.....the auditorium. The seats are purple!!! What a let-down. I bet it's not even in L.A. It's probably in Duluth. On a critical note, I think they personally should have waited until he said "This is American Idol" to flip on the lights. Would have had a better effect.

Que the music! You know, after a year off, it was really exciting hearing the opening music again and mayhaps a new opening sequence? Hmmm, nothing really spectacular and since there are now five seasons, the elevator should have stopped on 5th floor but it doesn't. It stops on the 4th floor where I expected to see Carrie Underwoods face since we passed all the other Idol winners on previous floors but it isn't there. Oh wait, there it is! She was hiding behind another door. Carrie!!!

Before we start stuffing cotton into our ears, Ryan voice-overs about how integral American Idol is to our lives. Look everyone! Look how sad we are!! It's like they just realized that American Idol is some kind of media juggernaut or something. There are clips from when Simon was a voice on The Simpsons, there's an Entertainment Weekly cover from like, 8 years ago! They go as far as to say how abrasive Simon Cowell is, yadda yadda. Hmmm, but no mention of how Paula supposedly Straight Up now uh bupa bah-bah'd one of the contestants. I guess that didn't make the news much. Then in a nifty bit of video trickery, there is a montage that makes it sound like that similar polio vaccines in the 1950's, everyone has been "touched" by American Idol. Even I almost got dripped on by the sweet sweet sappy drippin's.

And if they are trying to sell American Idol as being as traditional as hot dogs, Starbucks and apple pie, then The most du rigeur of all traditions is the embarrassing audition process.

Chicago - it's windy! and rainy!
The first guy that the Producers throw in front of us is Dereck Dupree. Dereck is confident, very confident. "I'm so confident it hurts, it cuts off the circulation" Huh? He mentions the sexiness flowing through his arms like tingles. It reminded me of Madeline Kahn's character in Clue. "It, it, the, it, flames, flames, flames . . . on the side of my face..." Oh, did I mention that I gotta love the pit stains our friend Dereck has goin' on. I think this guy Sky Capped my luggage the last time I was in Chicago, which is never. But I swear it was him. Surprise! his audition was horrible. "So much confidence...it...on the side of my ears..." Of course like every disgruntled indignant person he begs for them to give him an hour so he could come back and do better. Yeah, that's how it works.

The next few contestants went something like this: Freak, freak, freak, tall freak, freak, dweeb, freak with fishnets...

One guy comes out in a gingham dress and blond wig with pig tails. I'm not even going to do the honors of telling you all who he was trying to look like as it might actually give him some attention that he was clearly trying to muster. The thing is, it isn't even shocking anymore for someone to do this...NEXT!!!

So still no one with a yellow sheet to go through until we get to the Brittenum Brothers (Terrel and Darrel). They are the first to get through this season and from my recollection the first twin set to get through without some sort of questioning. I'm kind of with Simon though, I usually dismiss the twin gimmick because it's just too hopeless to think that you'd want to see either one of them in the finals competing against one another, it'd be way too boring and really you're never "unique." Even twin Clay Aiken's would cancel each other out if there were such a thing. Gasp! What if one was like a rebel with piercings and tourette's!?!

Wow! There are so many upbeat, bubbly people coming through there. It makes me wish I had a Casting Scout card to throw! I just noticed one of the girls had my ATM pin number on the front of her name card.

The singing cop. How sad. How novel. Now I know why that Bob Marley song always grates on my nerves, it only has one chorus. Okay, I know it doesn't but how many times do we have to listen to this?! I can only pray that he wasn't supposed to do something to stupid in his uniform while not on duty, do you think his commanding officer let him wear that? Maybe he risked it all for a shot on American Idol like that lady did last season who sold her wedding ring to pay for her trip to the audition. People are dumb.

Dereck Dupree Update! Oh, that Dereck Dupress is helping the Producers sell the audition show gimmick by going out on the street to sing. That is soooo last year people! Funny thing is, people keep passing by Ryan and Dereck without even noticing...Ha! Ryan surmises that they aren't Idol fans but really, they just hate Ryan. Like me.

How about Eric Lawhon from Missouri? He's kinda, umm, different. He talks like Edna Garrett. Simon thinks he sings like an Auntie. Hilarious! But true. I think he could probably fill in for Jimmy Sommerville any time he gets the bends. Eric is travelling with (shocker) his mom and grandma. His mom says things like "His choir coach says he'll go a long ways." A long ways. [shiver]. Grandma wants to kick Simon's butt for not moving Eric on to Hollywood (because we all know that there ain't nothing that boy needs more in life than a trip to Hollywood all by his lonesome). In a brilliant bit of reverse psychology though, Simon argues that she's giving him false hope. She says "I'm his grandma, of course I am!" There you go America. Stop blaming the parents, blame the elderly!

Okay, Zachary Smits from Hudson, WI. Pretty nice kid. Good voice. Shell necklace, aviator sunglasses hanging on shirt pocket. Ewwww. No.more.shell.necklaces!!!!!! But, Ryan Secrets goes all drooly over him. He moves on as well but hopefully he will have moved past his Ambercrombie, Aeropostale&Gel phase before people start throwing Ugg boots just to see if bad taste just naturally sticks to him. Nice try though.

Up next is Jessica Nelson. If you didn't see the show tonight then I can't help you visualize this one, but suffice it to say, Jessica is maybe a little crazy. She's dipped in KY Jelly, rolled in corn nuts and deep fried in spicy chipotle sauce crazy!!! I think she sang about someone walking into a room with a big brown !beep! and a big brown !beep! From there it was all beeps and such. But I thought the song was charming. There's one in every crowd you know.

The best part of Chicago was the recently dejected girl standing outside the audition room griping to the camera about not making it and how they don't even know talent when BOOP! out comes one other girl doing the Icky Shuffle with her yellow piece of paper. Then ensues a forest of pointed figners and a sing off of sorts, which is hilarious because the girl that didn't make it sounds good actually and when it's the other girls turn, she's all like...The proof's in the yellow piece of paper y'all! See ya! I had to watch that at least three times to see if I could catch the blocking marks on the floor, it was staged so beautifully. Probably the highlight of the night if you ask me.

Ugh!!! Every year has a crooner. Just get rid of them all before we have to hear them please! PLEASE!!! Not to be close minded or anything but why go all "Ooooooh" right now but as soon as they have to sing...anything else, Pooooop! I just don't see the point. The revival is over.

The next most fascinating person besides Jessica Nelson would have to be Cristal Parizinki. Paris-inski? Play on words? I don't know but this Idol hopefull had the full on Cristal Light-headed thing going on. Her mom was even scarier. She is what every parent fears will happen when Paris Hilton actually clones her personality and spreads to impressionable children through pink Razr phones. Vaguely there for us at all, her conversation was limited to "I mean, Like, Sure! I mean, yeah, and everything." Ironically her singing fit her personality. Simon was nothing more than fascinated at the copious amounts of sun tan shelac that covered her body. Oddly, it was only after she was told she wasn't moving forward that she woke up and became coherent. Odd. And not hot. The picture to the right is a composite of what she looked like, the Idol web board was buzzing tonight over her performance. It appears that Paris Hilton's initial test run of a Paris-bot is successful.

The last guy to go through tonight is David Hoover. Let me describe him: 6 feet tall, talks to the animals, he's barefoot, has coffee pot eyes, I think maybe he stinks? Anyway, the 2/3 majority vote thing really pays off here as he (incredibly) gets to move on. It could be that the judges are punch drunk or have ass blisters from sitting so long, I don't know. Either way, if you have this guy in the office pool, make sure you pay in chocolate coins!

So from Chicago, on goes 34 hopeful contestants waiting to have us forget who they are in Hollywood.

The Skinny Idol - Begin The Begin

Hey! It's that time of year again. And since The Skinny Tie Report is not even 1 year old yet, I guess saying "It's that time of year again" is a little redundant ... or indulgent ... I'm not sure. But either way, long before I started blogging about crap, I was watching crap and writing about it! Funny huh? Ironic, no? Should you care? YES!!!
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Beginning this Tuesday, American Idol takes back the airwaves and for about 4 months my life is a living hell trying to fit in work, regular TV, bathroom visits, melon squeezing, Skinny Tie reporting and those darn A.I. recaps.
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Why do I do it you ask? Is American Idol still relevant? What are you getting out of this?! Simply my friends: Because I wrote one of these recaps once and people wouldn't let it go, if it's pop culture ... I'm there, and finally, nothing!!!!
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So beginning this week I will be devoting small (read: large and unwieldy) portions of the STR to my American Idol recaps. It works as a bit of a creative writing utility for me, so take it or leave it, I will post them for posterity should you want to find something actually amusing associated with this, well .... atrocious show rather than take it for actual face value. And I say that with the upmost respect and above all, love for Ryan Seacrest. Of course I jest. Heavily.
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Scoop! The Skinny Tie Report has it on good authority that Betamike personally knows one of the 24 American Idol Finalists this season! Good authority would of course be the internet and Betamike is typically not one to speak in third person.
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[source: Mtv] Paula Abdul thinks that the upcoming fifth season of American Idol may be the strongest season yet, "so it's kind of exciting for us," she told People magazine. "It's the first season we've had strong males and strong females together." She wants to warn female viewers, though, that they should watch at their own risk, since two of the contestants will make them swoon once they sing. "The one girls are gonna fall in love with is Ace," she said. "Man, oh, man, girls are going to fall in love with him. And a guy named Patrick, too. They both have great voices." American Idol premieres January 17 at 8 p.m. on FOX.
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The Patrick she mentions would be Patrick Hall who grew up with me and my sister in sleepy little Gravette, Arkansas, USA. Of course Gravette will most likely be re-billed as Bentonville since Wal-Mart has this affect on anything within 100 miles of it vortex; Gravette being a mere 20 miles away. But I'm not a hater.
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Patrick is a great guy. He's son of the town doctor, brother of my high school science teacher, pianist and vocalist at our small church, one time boyfriend of my sister and a heck of a swimmer (Patrick and I helped Gravette achieve victory in the breast stroke relays one summer). Of course Patrick is very tight lipped about any of these rumors and declined to comment for the Skinny Tie Report but then turned and invited my sister to his house this Tuesday to "watch him sing." I'm a hater.
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This could still all be a horrid ruse that will make me have the gout in about a week but interestingly, the domain name PatrickHallOfficial.com was recently registered and well, it's hard to keep a secret in a small town don-cha know.
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Just as exciting was the mention of another name that Betamike might also know, Laura Wright. Sadly the website also mentioned that she was cut from the competition and also sadly, no mention that her middle initial was "J." If you are down with Betamike then you knows whats I means. Oh, and if you clicked that last link, I might have wanted to warn you that it contains SPOILERS on who the top 24 turn out to be! You can also find that information regurgitated here.
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Important Idol Dates:

Feb 15 - Top 24 Revealed

Feb 23 - First Live Results Show

March 14 - Top 12 perform live

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See you soon kidlets!

Betamike Conquers Everest

Not to brag (okay, maybe just a little) but yours truly and a select few others got a chance to be the first to explore Mt. Everest and Serka Zong, the mythical village nestled at its base. Well, not the real Mt. Everest of course but an incredible simulation and the newest "mountain" to rise out of the flat-chested Florida landscape. This incredible icon is also home to one of Disney's newest E-Ticket attractions: Expedition Everest - Legend Of The Forbidden Mountain.

Aaah, the luxury of coming in to work at 6am!

The beauty of this morning

Taken but not stirred

The truly "Forbidden" thing is that I was not allowed to bring forth the Skinny Tie cam to snag a few shots of the awesomely detailed village, queue, or ride for your enjoyment as many of the finishing touches are still being put into place. So okay, but I can tell you that it was kick ass. The queue line is configured so that you get a fair understanding that the base of the mountain is where shirpas and guides live and prepare chartered tours (like yourself) for routine trips up the mountainside; display cases with artifacts, information on native animals, evidence of previous encounters with the mythical Yeti, etc. I just remember one room in the queue line, Professor Pumba Dorjay's museum, being hotter than hell as there was no A.C. running and by the looks of it, no clear ventilation unit for air to access the place (get a FastPass!).

The neatest thing about a preview like this is being able to sit in a ride vehicle before any sunscreen-lathered horse hips have had a chance to leave their impression. I was lucky enough to get front seat on the first train dispatched but after riding a few times, any seat is good and the back is equally enjoyable as the front (as the train goes both forward and backward). The ride vehicle itself is designed similarly to Big Thunder Mountain Railroad's except that the train engine is relegated to the back to support the storyline that it is a industrial railway called the Anandapur Rail Service which used to transport tea, thus acting as a tug.

There is much ado about something with Everest, the excitement and buildup over this attraction does not disappoint as it is a good 3 minutes in length with plenty of visual and mental stimuli to keep you going back for a closer look. I had to ride several times to catch all the nuances that the Imagineers had put in place throughout the ride and still I was hearing things from friends like "did you see the vulture fly by?!" Pretty cool.

I'm not going to spoil the ride for anyone by giving away exactly how it all works (this was a working preview after all) or the exact moment when the track curves left, etc. like most coaster junkies like to hear. I can tell you what most people already know: You go backwards, fast, get a really great view of Disney property, experience chilly mountainous temperatures and meet the elusive Yeti really really up close and personal.

Opening for the GP is some time around April 6 - April 8. If you are an Annual Pass Holder or a Disney Vacation Club member, you can preview as early as the end of this month. Namaste!Official Everest official website (Available beginning January 16) & Everest on Disney.com

Sashook @ Whale

Others jam, we jelly

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Everything seemed right today. The weather went from frigid to cool and breezy, the clouds disappeared giving way to a clear sunlit sky as the sunset dressed itself in her best amber tones. Today was fitting day to celebrate the creation of one of nature's other beauties, my pal Stephanie.

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At the risk of her killing me for saying something overly mushy (really, I think just had an International Coffees moment), Stephanie is one of the best things to have ever happened in my life and it's an honor to say that she is my longest friend. Not to say that she is really really tall, but that she is my best friend and I have known her longer than anyone else. Which is really, really cool. We have seniority!

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Stephanie and I met in 199[cough]4 on the Walt Disney World College Program, a fantastic program that Stephanie would love to tell you more about, where I think we were both wide eyed at our first experience out in the big bad world and frankly, a little nervous. Like knowing when you find your soul mate, Stephanie and I knew that we were meant for each other when one simple phrase was uttered that very first night we were introduced:

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"Neil, your bedroom's on fire!"

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After that, we were inseparable. We laughed at stupid DJ tricks (example, one DJ's tired intro to EMF's unbelievable: "everyone! abcdefghijklmn...OH!"), We fell in love with and subsequently mourned Jeff Buckley, versed ourselves well with the term "pasty," scared ourselves silly by the tiny miniature figures in Dreamflight, made meaningful mix tapes, poured ourselves into elaborate correspondences and in general, hated life away from Disney and each other. Our bond developed and lasted over many anguishes, successes, school terms and eventually, we were reunited in 1997 when I moved to the same sunny locale. Some say it was for the job but I know better. It is hard to survive missing the "cool" piece of your soul.

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So today I give thanks and celebrate my patron saint of caring, understanding, beauty, class, generosity, sincerity and adoration with this small list of songs that always make me think of her.

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Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

Lover, You Should've Come Over - Jeff Buckley

Complainte De La Butte - Rufus Wainwright

Lua - Bright Eyes

Hurt - Nine Inch Nails

Reckless - Tilly and the Wall

White/Discussion - Live

Gentlemen - Afghan Wigs

Mighty K.C. - For Squirrels

Cannon - Self

I'm In CoachellaMode

Are you ready for a kick ass Coachella 2006?! Well, it's all out in the open and I hate to tell 'ya but, I called it!
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A while back, long before whispers of the 2006 dates and band line-up for Coachella began, my pal Gashapon and I were humming Personal Jesuses in Tampa during the kick off of Depeche Mode's most recent world tour for Playing the Angel. At the time, I thought "Wouldn't it be awesome if they were the requisite 'comeback' band at Coachella this year!" Every year there is a "comeback" and/or "reunion" band headlining one night of the event. As it turns out, if you are to believe Dave Gahan himself, Depeche Mode is set to headline the first night of Coachella on April 29th, 2006.
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Reach out, Touch Faith!!! I am so excited! In my mind, nothing can really top the experience that I had last year with my first Coachella experience but by the sounds of early internet rumors, it could shape up to be a formidable opponent. Either way, I'm a goin!
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Unless someone out there has jacked into a Goldenvoice executive's Blackberry or something, I am not sure that the list below has any merit but here's what has surfaced thus far. Keep in mind that most of these, although logically strong possibilities, are nowhere near confirmed. In the past some of these very same names have been announced and then pulled while others are perennial pop-ups on this list, never to have officially surfaced during the festival's 6 year run. A lot of wishful thinking going on here on someone's part.

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April 29
Depeche Mode, The Strokes, Portishead, Franz Ferdinand, Fatboy Slim, Massive Attack, Infected Mushroom, Royksopp, Kings of Leon, Doves, Sufjan Stevens, Broken Social Scene, Atmosphere, Blackalicious, Super Furry Animals, The Buzzcocks, Primal Scream, Supergrass, Ladytron, DJ Peretz, The Shins, Dieselboy, Tortoise, Sleater Kinney, Richard Hawley, Grooverider, Death From Above 1979, Yesterday’s New Quintet, The Walkmen, Son Volt, Will Oldham, The Clientele, Lightning Bolt, Cage, The Crimea, OK Go, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, John Kelly
April 30
The White Stripes, Roxy Music (featuring Brian Eno), The Arcade Fire, Sigur Ros, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Boards of Canada, Underworld, Ween, Death Cab for Cutie, Armin Van Buuren, Built to Spill, De La Soul, Big Star, Iron & Wine, Uberzone, Happy Mondays, Dinosaur Jr, TV on the Radio, Elbow, Eagles of Death Metal, The Tears, Esthero, T. Rauschmiere, Cat Power, The New Pornographers, Carl Cox, Grandaddy, Calexico, Explosions in the Sky, The Wedding Present, Andy C, Fatlip, DJ Icey, The Notwist and Themselves preforming as 13 & God, Devendra Banhart, The Coral, Stateless, 65 Days of Static
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I'll give you that the possibility of The Strokes, Franz Ferdinand, Sigur Ros, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Sleater Kinney, Grandaddy and Sufjan Stevens are almost guaranteed as they have all either gained some momentum this year, released a new album or moreover just want to suck up the exposure. But bands like Son Volt (they're playing Fayetteville, Arkansas for Christ's sake!) have no business at Coachella. Not to be a music snob or anything, quite the contrary. The best thing about this event is to plug in and get in tune with new artists of all kinds of varieties. But Son Volt? Maybe this is 2006's random '90's band thrown in. I'm sorry to bash the boys from the Midwest, I really used to like 'em. Well, at least the good news is that there is at least one time slot freed up for me!
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This year's unofficial list has more elusive bands than ever! The Buzzcocks, Roxy Music!?!, The Happy Mondays for the love of God!!! Be forewarned, last year we were tempted with the announcement that The Cocteau Twins were going to headline and at the last minute Elizabeth Fraser gets cold feet (or a cold) and backs out. Sadness. Also notice that Doves is listed for the second year in a row, they also met a similar fate only they pulled out on the day of the event. Please tell me how the Happy Mondays are going to make it to Indio, California to play just for me! It would be great and all, but ....

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The biggest rumor floating around right now is that someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows a record exec posted that Johnny Marr and Morrisey have already agreed to reunite at Coachella and are flying mediators out to London to talk to Mike Joyce blah blah blah. If this were true, I would almost be too scared to attend the event this year as last year was just so nice. Not too many people, less than scorching weather, etc. If The Smiths take the stage in '06, I'll be watching the show from my air conditioned helicopter thank you. The ironic indie kids flocking to worship at the alter of The Smiths would be insane. Panic in the fields of Indio! Look at me, I'm gossiping like a school girl!

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Whilst you are here, take a look at The Official Coachella Site and this nifty little Wiki page on Coachella. On January 24th, Goldenvoice will be showing their documentary on the Coachella phenomenon with Coachella the Film. If you are lucky, you might catch a wee skinny thing doing the crack dance in the back of The Chemical Brothers set.

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If you're coming this year and want to see how much fun the [V]hat crew had while we were out there (and possibly want to high five as we pass one another), drop me a line or take a look at Skinny Tie's 2005 Coachella Photos on Flickr and be sure to check out all things Coachella Archive on The Skinny Tie Report right here ------->
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Finally, I leave you with my wishlist for this year's upcoming festival (in no particular order)
Le Tigre
Morningwood
LCD Soundsystem
The Faint (wha? you think I'd leave them off)
The Go! Team
The Postal Service (I can dream can't I)
Glass Candy
Daft Punk (because Christy, who else could come close to the Chem Bro show?)
Kenna
Broken Spindles
Talking Heads (yeah right, in my dreams)
Gorillaz
The Jesus and Mary Chain
The Toadies (yeah right #2)
Helmet (refreshing, no?)
Pavement (for the Steve Malkmus in all of us. Yeah right #3)
and just for fun, Dead or Alive